by Allie Kay
But that's the end of that.
I have you. And eventually, when we come out in real life, he will leave me alone then. He's not one to poach on a taken woman. I will say that about him.
Claire
18
Zane
I stared down at the screen. How the hell I was supposed to respond to that? The woman I'd wanted for ages, and was currently trying my best to win over, thought I was a goofy pervert who didn't know what no meant.
Fuck.
I lay the phone on the nightstand and stared up at the textured ceiling in the hotel room. The polyester bedspread was rough beneath me. Staying in this cheap hotel had made sense from a business perspective, but it was damn uncomfortable. I sat up and flicked on the TV. The ten basic cable channels that weren't playing infomercials had nothing worth watching and gave me way too much time to think.
Was I wasting my time with this? With Claire? Or worse, was I wasting hers. I knew beneath that polished veneer, Claire was really a big softie. That was the Claire I wanted to get to know. The one who couldn't pass a baby without holding it, who loved animals and cried over sappy movies. But would she ever let me in? Maybe I was taking this secret admirer crap too far.
I grabbed my phone.
To: Claire
Subject: Tonight
Angel,
I don't want to talk about how you feel about Zane. I am here alone and miss you something fierce.
But I wonder...
How open are you to the idea of change? Do you think a man can be more than what appears on the surface or are looks and status what matters to you?
I'm not a doctor. I work my ass off, but I make a decent living. I am not the smartest man, but not the dumbest either.
I don't know exactly what you are looking for, but I can tell you what I want.
A partner. Someone to stand beside me when times get tough. Someone as family-oriented as I am. Someone to cuddle up with on a cold winter night. Someone who can be strong for me if the day comes when I break.
Because I am only human.
A friend. Someone who won't judge if I break out in a silly dance on the hardwood at Garden, and who would maybe join me out there.
A lover. Yes, that's important too. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. But, angel, believe me when I say this is not the top of my list. I've put them in the order of importance to me.
Forgive me for this, but you need to loosen up a bit. Laugh more.
I won't check this email again until Sunday night. Take some time before you reply. Mean what you say... I don't want your knee-jerk reaction, but your honest to God answer.
What do you want from this? What do you need? And do my needs fit with yours? I think you can be what I need, but can I be what you need? This needs to be addressed before we waste anymore of each other's time.
Have a good weekend. -Z-
I hit send before I could second-guess myself. As much as the truth scared me, I had to know.
And now I needed a beer.
Or six.
I slung my jacket over my shoulder to head down to the convenience store and grab a six-pack when the thumping started from next door.
When the "Yes, Yes, Yes," carried through the wall, I amended that plan. Maybe I'd get those beers at one of the bars a couple blocks over.
The first bar I came to was no Garden, that's for damn sure. But I wasn't there to socialize. Just to get a few beers and try to drink my troubles away. So, I sat down at the somewhat grimy bar and ordered a beer, that thankfully came in a clean-looking mug.
I was on my fourth, or was it fifth, when one of the songs Claire and I had danced to on Halloween came on. I downed the beer and slammed the mug against the scuffed hardwood.
"I love this song. Dance with me." A blonde in a skin-tight dress snuggled up to my right side, rubbing her manicured hand over my biceps. A plump set of tits curved up over the top of the dress and drew my gaze. "Come on, honey. We are both alone. Let's be not alone for the length of a slow dance."
"Why the fuck not?" Claire had made her opinion clear. I was a pervert. Might as well enjoy myself. One blonde was as good as the other, right?
I slid off the barstool and tugged her into my arms. She wriggled in close and pressed against me. When I didn't back away, she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down for a kiss.
Her lips felt dry, despite the tube of lipstick she wore and she tasted of stale cigarettes and beer. And completely wrong.
I jerked away. "I'm sorry. I just can't." Turning away, I left her standing in the middle of the dingy dance floor and walked out.
I could have gone home with that nameless blonde. Maybe with a few more beers in me, I could have even pretended she was Claire. But, despite what Claire thought, I wasn't that guy. And I wouldn't let her harsh words make me be.
I scrubbed my skin raw in the shower trying to erase the feel of the wrong woman's touch. Brushed my teeth twice trying to rid myself of her taste.
But nothing could rid me of the guilt of letting it get that far.
19
Claire
I opened the new email and had to blink back tears as I read his words. He wasn't going to talk to me for three days? The very thought hurt. In only a week, hearing from Z had become the highlight of my day. Seeing his name pop up on my phone made my heart happy. And now it could all be gone because I couldn't shut my mouth about freaking Zane.
"You okay?" Talia asked, sitting next to me on the couch.
"I don't even know. I... Well, Z set up an email address for me to email him so that we don't have to leave paper notes everywhere. And I've managed to piss him off so much that he's not going to even check his email until Sunday." I had to choke back a cry.
"What did you do?" Talia's eyes were harder than I had seen in some time.
Wrapping my arms around myself tightly, I answered, "I compared him to Zane. I said he was better than Zane, but now I am positive that he's friends with Zane because he defended him. His email wants to know what I want from all this. What I am looking for." I sighed. What did I want from all this?
"And?"
"That's it. God, Talia, it sounds like you are on his side. I thought you were my best friend." Tears threatened again. "You know, I am just going to go."
"Claire, wait. I didn't mean it to come across like that. You know I love you." Talia wrapped her arms around me and wouldn't let me up. "Don't go yet."
I relaxed slightly into Talia’s embrace. "How do I fix this?"
"What do you want? Maybe you should start with figuring that out, before you guys get any deeper in this and waste each other's time."
"I don't know. A love like you found? Someone to grow old with. You know I have flirted a good bit, but this is the first time I've really been with someone I could see a future with. And it's completely crazy. How do you plan a future with someone who won't even tell me his first name?"
Talia hugged me close. "I'm sure he has a good reason."
"Yeah, like a wife, knowing my luck."
"He is so not married!" Talia argued.
"Unless you know for a fact who he is, then you can't be sure of that," I countered. Did Talia know who Z was? Surely, she would have told me...
"I know my husband. He'd never be a party to something that got you tangled up with a married man. Or even a guy who was seeing someone else. You know him better than that." Talia tilted my chin up and met my gaze. "Trust my husband's judgment, if you trust nothing else."
Trust Sean... While I knew Sean was trustworthy, at times I still struggled to actually trust the big ex-con. I didn't think he'd lead me astray with a married guy though.
"You know I'm right." Talia squeezed me.
"Yeah."
Talia raised an eyebrow. "And you know you are wrong about my brother."
"No."
"Uh, yes. My brother is awesome. You are just oblivious to it," she teased.
"I see him differently than you do."
"Go
sh, I hope so. If he flirted with me, it'd be creepy. And I'm pretty sure my husband would kill him."
I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "Eww. I hate Zane and I know he'd never go there. God, why did you have to put that image in my mind? I need some brain bleach now."
"Don't have any of that, but how about some hot cocoa?"
I laughed. "No alcohol? Your husband's a bartender. Where's all the liquor?"
"Pregnant, remember?"
"Sean is pregnant? Oh. My. God! Why didn't you tell me?"
"Oh, hush you! I meant I am pregnant, so no alcohol. Besides, Sean keeps most of the liquor at the bar." Talia poked me in the ribs. "You are such a goober sometimes."
"That's Zane's title, not mine," I retorted in mock seriousness.
"Mrs. Goober then."
"Mrs.? I am a Miss, thank you very much." I lifted my chin and looked down at my friend haughtily.
"Okay, Miss for now, but future Mrs. Goober. I think you will be a Mrs. by this time next year."
"I told you I don't want to get married. Not after my mom..." I stopped smiling. I was not following in my mother's footsteps. No way, no how.
"Well, never say never. Your mystery man may sweep you off your feet and have a ring on your finger before you even realize it." Talia hugged me close. "And just because marriage didn't work out for your mother doesn't mean it wouldn't work for you."
"He may never speak to me again." I sighed.
Talia shook her head. "He will. I'd bet money on it. He's worked too hard on keeping this ruse up. He's serious about you."
"I hope you are right."
"So... go home. Think about what you want, and write him back."
20
Zane
As much as it pained me, I kept my word. I didn't open the email to see if Claire had responded. I wouldn't allow myself until I got home.
Dragging myself up the steps Sunday night, I unlocked the door and stepped inside. Dropping the keys on the table by the door, I flipped the lock and turned the light on.
I jumped, hands balling into tight fists, when I realized I wasn't alone.
"Hi, Zane."
"Fucking hell, Talia. What are you doing just sitting in my apartment in the dark? You're lucky you weren't standing closer. I might have hit you before I thought." I shook my head at my sister. "Why aren't you at home with your husband?"
"Because I wanted to talk to you as soon as you got back into town. Before you say or do anything else that hurts both you and my best friend."
"I feel like I am just spinning my wheels with her, T. You think she will ever relax enough to accept me as me? Not Z. Not her secret admirer. But me, Zane." I rubbed a hand over my face.
"Has she wrote back?"
"Haven't looked."
"Well, look. See what she said." Talia put her hands on her hips and raised an eyebrow. "Get on with it."
"Bossy ass." I pulled my phone and checked my email. Claire had replied. Twice. "Got two messages."
"And?"
To: Z
Subject: Sorry
Z,
I didn't mean to upset you. Please don't stop writing to me.
Claire
"First just says sorry. Nothing important."
Talia stared at me for a second. "Claire saying she is sorry is important. She's not really good at the whole apologies thing." She shrugged. "And the second?"
I huffed and brought up the second email.
To: Z
Subject: What I want. Need.
Z,
You really know how to make a girl think, you know that? You are right that we need to get this out of the way. Make sure we are on the same page, so to speak.
This was a hard question for me to answer. I've told you about my mom. How she bounces from man to man? Well, I have avoided serious entanglements as a result. I don't do long-term. But for some reason, I want to try it with you.
Do I believe a person can change? Hell yes, I do. I certainly know I have. I could have given in and accepted my mother's way of life. Flitted from man to man, and part-time job to temp agency when I was between men just to make ends meet. I could have stayed a stripper until I found some guy with money to 'take care of me'. But that's not who I wanted to be.
I am independent to the point of fault. I don't like asking for help. If I ask, you know that I am seriously at my breaking point. I want, no, I need, a man who will love me despite that and know when to push. And yet also know when to take a step back and let me make my own way.
I want someone who will tell me when I am being ridiculous. Who will hold me when I am afraid. Who understands my need for stability given my upbringing.
Can I be a partner? I believe so. But I have never tried. I've never wanted to. Until now. Until you.
So, there is my honest thoughts on your previous email and I hope that you will forgive my harsh words against your friend (because Zane is your friend, right?). I hope that I will hear from you again.
And if I don't... if you can't see a future with me... then I want to thank you. Thank you for making me feel more alive than I have ever felt. For giving me hope that romance really exists in modern times. And for opening my eyes to how dismissive I can be.
With hope,
Claire
I sat down and stared at the phone in my hand. Puffing out a breath I'd been holding as I read, I tried to slow my racing heart.
With hope...
She had no freaking clue how much I had the same damn hopes.
"Well?" Talia prompted, pulling me from my introspection.
"She wants to continue."
"At the risk of sounding like a ten-year-old boy, uh... duh. Of course she does."
"With Z. Still think she hates me though."
"So? Work on that. Woo her. She'll be at Garden on Tuesday evening. Show up. Get her to dance with you. When she dances with someone else, send her an email or something."
"You are way sneakier than I gave you credit for." I nudged her.
"I know." She laughed. "So, how was Lexington?"
"Boring. I kissed another woman."
"You what?" Talia punched me, hard.
"I know. I'm a bonehead. It was just one kiss. Didn't progress." I leaned back on the couch next to her. "I didn't initiate it."
"Still not cool." She jabbed me in the ribs with her razor sharp little elbow.
"I fucking know that."
"Yet you still fucking did it, asshole."
"Sean is rubbing off on you."
Instead of taking it as an insult, Talia beamed at me. "Maybe. Stopping changing the subject."
"Should I tell Claire?"
Talia looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "Maybe... But she won't be happy about it."
"I'm not happy about it either." I hit reply on the email. "Go home. Text me when you get there. And don't tell me if she hates me, okay?"
"Love you, Z." Talia hugged me before wobbling to a standing position.
"Love you too. You'd think with as often as she's heard you call me Z, she'd buy a fucking clue."
"Right? Email her. Stop stressing about what may come."
21
Claire
I anxiously turned my phone on when my lunch break rolled around. The charge nurse on duty was a stickler about the no phones policy. Clearly, she'd never wanted to get an email as badly as I did in that moment. I walked down to the cafeteria while the phone cycled through its boot up process. I grabbed a burger and sat down before opening my email.
Three new emails!
Two were junk. But the third I'd been waiting for.
To: Claire
Subject: Re: What I want. Need.
Hey angel,
I'm glad to hear (read?) you want this to continue. That you can see a future, despite this unconventional... relationship? Courtship? I don't even know what to call it.
Before we go any further though, I have something to tell you. A confession.
Thursday night after I sent that email
, I went out drinking. I figured I had nothing to lose. I mean, I'd just bared my heart to you in a really dick way. Ended up in this dive bar in downtown Lexington. And I kissed another woman.
He kissed someone else? I threw the phone down on the table next to my uneaten hamburger. How could he claim to want to be with me and go and kiss someone else?
I picked the phone up to read the rest of the email.
Before you flip out, let me explain myself, please.
I didn't go looking for that. I wanted to drown my sorrows in a few beers. Take the edge off. Ya know?
There I sat, on a lumpy barstool, staring down into the bottom of my third or maybe my fifth beer, when this blonde asked me to dance. She had too much makeup on, and way too many body parts hanging out. But I was feeling sorry for myself and thought, "Why the fuck not?"
Next thing I know, she's grinding on me and pulling me down for a kiss. I could have let it continue. Could have taken her back to my hotel room.
I'd never speak to him again if he had. A lot of things could be forgiven, but not that. Not cheating. Then I shook myself. We weren't officially dating. We weren't technically a couple. It could hardly be deemed cheating.
Dragging my thumb over the slider, I scrolled down to read the rest.
But no, love, I didn't.
I left her standing, alone, in the middle of the dance floor.
You wanna know why?
Because I felt guilty. Because she wasn't you.
Did I have to tell you this? No. It's not like you'd have ever known if I'd stayed quiet. It's not like we ever said we were exclusive.
But I want to start off the way I intend to go. With honesty. And I'm not a cheater. I'm not that guy.
You have to be the one to decide if you can forgive a moment of stupidity.