by Allie Kay
I should have known a woman in that type of bar was looking to get laid. Shouldn't have let her get me in that position. It was stupid. Plain and simple.
I'll end now how you did.
With hope...Hope that I will be forgiven. Hope that I didn't screw up too badly. -Z-
Hitting reply, I typed out a response.
To: Z
Subject: Re: Re: What I want. Need.
Z, I'm not sure how I feel. I want to smack you for kissing someone else. Tell you to kiss my ass.
And yet, you are right. We have never said this was exclusive. Never said we couldn't see other people.
So, I don't have the right to condemn you for it. I need some time to think about this. Claire
I forced myself to eat the dry as burnt toast hamburger and made my way back to the surgical floor. Seconds before I powered the phone down, a reply came through.
To: Claire
Subject: Okay
If you need space, I get it. If you need to walk away, I get that too.
I'll be at Garden Tuesday night. Maybe you can stop by? If you are there, I promise I'll ask you to dance. And you can get a hint of who I am. -Z-
To: Z
Subject: Re: Okay
I'll be there. And I'll only dance with dark-haired men with beards. Will you tell me if we dance together? I don't want to walk away. But I would like a bit of space. See you Tuesday I guess. I have to get back to work and won’t be able to answer.
I turned the phone off and put it back in my cubby. In the half hour I'd been gone, I had three patients asking for things. 201 wanted water. 203 wanted another blanket because the three she had weren't warm enough. I made a note on her chart that her temperature was normal, but perhaps the doctor in the morning would want to run some extra labs in case of infection. 205 just couldn't sleep and craved some conversation. Crap. Did these people ever sleep?
After I got 201 and 203 settled, I sat down with the older lady in 205 to talk to her for a few minutes, hoping that would appease the patient.
"You look like something's troubling you, dearie." The elderly woman looked me up and down. "If you need someone to talk to, well, I'm not opposed to listening. Give me something to take my mind off this knee of mine."
I shook my head, but then thought, why not? "Well, there's this guy..."
The old lady laughed. "It's always about a man, isn't it? They trouble us something fierce."
"Yes, ma'am. He... well, he's kinda a secret admirer. He's been sending me notes and emails and I just found out that he kissed another woman a few days ago."
"Secret admirer, huh? Well, how did you find out about the kiss?"
"He told me."
"Hmm... when he didn't have to? That says a lot about him right there, doesn't it?"
"I guess so."
"You think on that." She covered her mouth as a yawn escaped. "Thank you for sitting with me. I believe I can nod off now."
I straightened the blankets and dimmed the lights before slipping from the room. I'd take the next day and a half and think about what I wanted to do about Z. Maybe I'd figure out his identity when we danced. Maybe then I'd know where to go with this relationship.
22
Zane
I hurried home from work Tuesday so that I could shower before my date of sorts with Claire. If I could get her to dance with me...
When I got to Garden, she was already there. Dominating the attention of all the single males in the club. Like I'd known she would be. I'd figured out that her center of attention act was just that—an act. What I didn't know was why she put on that front to start with. That little fact was just one of the things I wanted to find out about her.
She sat at one of the tables close to the bar with Talia and a couple of their friends. A group of guys stood just to the side of them, watching her. I could see them elbowing each other and pointing her out. As if it wasn't enough that I had to compete with my own fictional identity, now I had an entire herd of pretty boys to contend with too.
I got Sean's attention and ordered a beer. I took the drink over, grateful that my sister gave me an easy excuse to be near Claire.
"Hey." I slid into the empty chair next to Claire. "How are you beautiful ladies tonight?"
"Better before you got here," Claire snapped, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Her icy glare chilled my blood.
Okay... so clearly not outting Z's true identity tonight then. "I'm guessing you don't want to dance then?"
She rolled her eyes. "Not with you."
"Got it. You still think I am the spawn of Satan." I sighed. "Lovely to see you too, angel."
Some asshat came up and asked her to dance. She had no trouble slinking off to dance with him.
"She works with him," Talia leaned over and said. "He was her first guess for who her secret admirer was."
"That pretty boy?" Surely she'd figured out by now that guy wasn't the right one.
I pulled my phone out and sent her an email.
To: Claire
Subject: I'm not a pansy ass pretty boy.
Try again, angel.
Are you trying to make me jealous?
Shoving the phone back in my jacket, I watched Claire move out on the dance floor. My hands gripped my beer tightly as I waited for Claire to come back to the table.
She immediately checked her phone and started looking around the club. I watched as her gaze stopped on every dark-haired guy but me. She flushed when she realized I was watching her.
"What?" she asked, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear with a shaking hand.
"Just wondering if I could just get one dance."
"No." She got up and walked over to one of the guys.
I downed the beer in one go as the man pulled her close and they slow danced. I sent her another email.
To: Claire
Subject: I'm not that skinny
Really? That guy is a beanpole. Try again.
Talia shook her head at me. "She's going to figure it out if you don't quit."
"Well, at least then I don't have to sit here and watch her grind on every man here except me." I sat back and watched her though. Watched as the guy's hand slid down over the curve of her hip and pulled her closer. A low growl escaped me as Claire wrapped her arms around the guy's neck.
Claire came back when the song ended. She finished her drink and looked at me, her eyes filled with question. "You not going to ask me to dance again?"
"Would I get a different answer?"
"Nope." She smirked.
I shrugged. "Wanna dance?"
"Nope."
"Want another martini? I'm going to get a beer. I can grab you one if you like."
She gave me this odd look and didn't answer.
"I'm hardly going to roofie you in my brother-in-law's club." I snatched her glass and stomped over to the bar.
"Still think she's worth the trouble?" Sean took the dirty glasses. "Same thing?"
"Yes, and fuck you."
Sean laughed. "Not tonight, darling. My wife is the jealous sort."
"It runs in the family."
"Then you probably do not want to look at the dance floor right now then." Sean slid the two drinks across the gleaming hardwood.
I turned back to see some guy with his hands all over Claire. She didn't look too happy about it either. Pushing at the guy's shoulders, she was trying to extract herself from the guy's clutches. I slammed the drinks down on our table in front of my sister and strode over.
"Hands off, buddy." I grabbed the guy's shoulder and pulled him back a bit.
Claire looked up at me and I saw a hint of gratitude in her eyes before she tamped it down. "I can handle myself, Zane."
"I know you can, but I can handle him easier." I glared at the guy until he released Claire and walked away.
"Zane..."
The warning in her tone should have made me back off. But I was going to get my dance tonight. My alter ego had promised her a dance, and I'd be damned if
I let her make a liar of me.
"One dance. And you know you don't have to be strong all the time. You could let someone help you on occasion." I pulled her into my arms and she allowed it. We swayed to the music. When the song ended, she tried to pull away. "A full dance," I argued, keeping her in my arms.
The tempo in the next song slowed, as if fate were finally on my side. Claire fitted herself closer to my chest. I groaned and tightened my arms around her. When she looked up at me, her eyes soft and tender for once, and I couldn't stop myself. Even though my gut said it was a bad idea, I lowered my head and brushed my lips over hers.
For a split second, Claire allowed it. Her lips even parted slightly under the pressure of mine. With a teasing touch, I slid my tongue over her lower lip. And apparently that was just too much.
Claire jerked away and the stinging sound of her slap carried to the next county. My face burned, first from the sting of her hand and then from embarrassment at the laughter of the crowd. And boy did the crowd enjoy that.
I shook my head and couldn't bring myself to even mumble an apology. For the second time in a week, I left a woman standing in the middle of a dance floor.
Stomping out to my truck, I stood there for a second while I tried to dig keys out of my pocket. Tonight hadn’t gone as I'd hoped. I shouldn't have pushed Claire like I had. But I'd never expected her to slap the fuck out of me right there on the dance floor. Jeez, she had an arm on her.
I looked back toward Garden and saw Claire standing just outside the doors staring at me. I just couldn't figure her out. And I wasn't quite sure why I kept putting myself through this when she'd made it perfectly clear I'd never be good enough to suit her. Before I could do some other ignorant act, like go over to her or maybe breathe in her presence, I climbed into my truck and drove away.
23
Claire
I walked into my apartment and kicked my heels across the room. I let out a satisfied grunt when one bounced off the far wall. The things I put myself through for beauty.
I sat down and rubbed a tender foot. Z had been there tonight. I was sure of it. But why hadn't he at least danced with me?
And what was up with Zane? I'd followed him out of Garden, intending to ask him what the hell he'd been thinking, kissing me like that. But when I got outside, and saw him standing next to his truck looking so defeated, my hand print still dark on his cheek, I'd chickened out. Like, really chickened out. He'd looked up and we made eye contact. The hurt in his eyes cut me deep in the depths of my soul.
So I ran. Straight to my car, ignoring Talia calling after me. Ignoring the phone calls from my surely upset best friend. Not that I'd blame Talia for being pissed. I totally screwed up tonight. In my entire life, I'd never slapped a man in the face like that. And while he shouldn't have kissed me, I'd very clearly over-reacted. Talia's reaction wouldn't be pretty. And that right there was just one of the reasons why I could never date Zane. I couldn't risk losing Talia.
I flopped back on the couch and winced when a spring poked my hip. This stupid couch was like a metaphor for my life. It looked good on the outside, but the closer you got, the more you saw that it was a thin veneer of prettiness over a prickly interior that was nearly broken.
Tonight went so far off the rails. In my imagination of the evening, I'd danced with a couple guys and then Z had swooped in and swept me off my feet. We'd have spent the evening wrapped in each other's arms and it had ideally ended with us wrapped in my sheets. But yet my mysterious lover hadn't cooperated with my daydreams. No, Zane had interrupted before that could happen and I'd been left solo on the hardwood with a stinging palm and the embarrassment of the crowd's laughter.
At least I could ask Z where the hell he'd disappeared to tonight. I fired off a quick email to him.
To: Z
Subject: Garden
Why didn't you dance with me?
I know you were there! You gave yourself away with the emails. I know you saw everything I did tonight.
Umm... about that kiss with Zane. It was all over before it began and all on him. I only agreed to a dance because he saved me from a clinger.
Oh God... that wasn't you, right?
Claire
Despite my words of reassurance to Z that Zane's kiss meant nothing, his lips on mine had made me feel more than I'd ever want to admit. Being in his arms had reawakened a bit of the crush I'd had on him back in high school, when he was a senior and I a lowly sophomore.
Freaking Zane. I sighed.
When I'd had a thing for him, he'd barely been aware of my existence. He'd been on the football team and dating a cheerleader with more boobs than brain. He'd hardly looked twice at the slightly geeky blonde in the second-hand clothes who practically lived with his sister. It had taken me until junior year to figure out how to dress and do my makeup on a budget, but still look nice. Zane had been working and not around much by then.
But go figure, now that I had too much to lose if things went wrong with him, he'd discovered an interest in me. Under no circumstance would I let him come between me and Talia. That girl was the only real family I had. Back in high school, I might have risked it, but not anymore. I'd nearly lost Talia once because of a stupid slip of the tongue and I wouldn't put myself into a situation where Talia might have to choose. Talia had chosen Sean over me after all...
So, I just couldn't kiss Zane anymore. Kissing led to heart racing and daydreams. Fantasies of a potential future where I imagined us raising a dark-haired little boy with Talia's red-haired little girl. Hooking up with Zane just wouldn't be good.
Okay, it probably would be good. We had chemistry. I couldn't deny that. Zane's touch made me almost as crazy as Z's did. But Zane was off limits and I could never do more than think of the possibilities.
Pure fantasy, of course. Because being with Zane was a risk I wasn't willing to take.
Besides, I had a new man. One far more suited to me than Zane Richmond. I had to focus on Z. Push Zane out of my thoughts. I sighed and lay on the least lumpy end of the couch waiting for a reply from my secretive boyfriend. It didn't take long.
To: Claire
Subject: Re: Garden
Yes, I was there.
I am aware of your... moment with Zane. You ran out after him. Yet only watched him leave and didn't speak to him. What was that about? No, I wasn't the clinger. Really??? The clinger? You thought I was that guy?
Z didn't seem pissed about Zane at least. I sat up and decided to try something. An experiment of sorts... to see if I could push Z into revealing himself.
To: Z
Subject: ???s
Why didn't you save me from your boy Zane? He was kinda pushy tonight. Why didn't you reveal yourself? You'd seemed jealous all night, but let him kiss me without comment? What's your name? But most importantly, when can I see you again?
Again, the response came almost instantly. My heart raced when the phone chirped a notification. I nearly dropped it trying to bring up my email.
To: Claire
Subject: Re: ???s
1. Zane is harmless when it comes to you.
2. You ran away so fast...
3. Nice try. Trust me when I say you can't handle the truth.
4. Um... I'll think of something. Will you be in town for Thanksgiving?
I'm wore out, angel. 5 am comes too soon.
I sighed. I shouldn't have followed Zane out. Thanks to that, I'd missed my chance of connecting with Z for the evening. Something felt off with Z's replies too. While it was hard to gauge tone through the screen, his words were more clipped than usual. I replied, but didn't expect a response tonight.
Was it the kiss with Zane that he brushed off? Or that he was just tired? Something had him a bit off, I just couldn't put my finger on what with our limited contact.
I got up and put myself to bed. I'd only had a short nap earlier. Not enough to deal with all this. Zane and Z took too much energy for my sleep-deprived brain to sort out. I pulled Zane's t-shirt on and s
nuggled into the blankets. I tried to think of only Z, but Zane's face was the last I remembered before my eyes closed.
24
Zane
I rolled over with a groan and turned off the blaring alarm on my phone. Why did morning have to come so early? I shoved myself out of an entirely too comfortable bed and stumbled into the kitchen. After a bit of fumbling, and spilling half a bag of coffee grounds across the counter, coffee began to brew.
I showered and dressed while the coffeepot was doing its thing. I glanced in the mirror and rubbed my cheek. Surprisingly, there wasn't a hand print shaped bruise right in the middle of my face.
Claire had smacked the shit out of me. I should have expected it. Should have kept my lips to myself and been grateful for a damn dance. But no, I had to go and push her too far.
I shook my head at my reflection. "You knew better."
Back in the kitchen, I poured a mug of coffee and sat down to a breakfast of leftover pizza. I pulled up my email to see if Claire had answered last night.
To: Z
Subject: Your last emails
Z,
Are you upset with me? You didn't seem like yourself and I worry that it is something that I have said or done. Is it the kiss with Zane?
Yeah, it was the kiss. But how the fuck could I explain to her why it bothered "Z" without giving myself away?
Okay, so being a thousand percent honest here. In the past, I did have a crush on Zane.
Hot coffee sloshed over my hand and I rubbed it quickly on my jeans. She'd had a crush on me. When? And how the hell had I missed that?
But that was when I was barely interested in boys and as my best friend's older brother, he was the slightly older guy that I could love from afar and never have it amount to anything.