by Allie Kay
Subject: No
I'm not jealous. I canceled on you. Don't have the right to be jealous.
I lay on the bed and waited for a reply. Claire was still moving around out in the living room. I wondered if she'd climb in bed with me sometime tonight.
To: Z
Subject: Re: No
Are you not interested anymore?
To: Claire
Subject: Re: Re: No
I'm very interested. But I don't think you are ready for the reality of me.
To: Z
Subject: ?
What's that mean? You've said that before—that I'm not ready for the reality of you. I don't understand...
To: Claire
Subject: Re: ?
Never mind. Love you, sweet girl. I'm about to crash. I'll email you in the morning.
After hitting send, I realized what I'd just said. Had I given myself away? I looked up at the slowly spinning ceiling fan. Picking the phone back up, I tapped out my sister's number.
"Hello?"
"Hey, T, can you tell me how bad I've screwed up here?"
"What did you do?" The tinkling sound of her laughter carried through the phone.
"Z told Claire he couldn't make it today. So... she went out with me instead."
"Failing to see the bad. Maybe Z needs to just up and move away."
"Things didn't end with a date."
"God, Zane, total overshare." Talia faked a gag noise. "TMI!"
"We didn't... Not that. Damn. I didn't mean..."
"Oh wow, you really didn't? Then how'd you screw up?"
I squinted up at the ceiling. "I pushed her away while we were making out."
"That was a bonehead move."
"Yeah? Even if I told her that it was because I wanted more than a single night?"
"Oh! That was good, at least. But where is she?"
"Bumping around in the living room."
"Then go out and talk to her, genius. I'll smack you upside your head if you don't fix this."
"Okay, okay. I'll go talk to her." I sat up. "But what do I say?"
"Maybe start with 'I'm a fucking moron'?"
"Got it."
I sat on the side of the bed and gathered up a bit of courage before going back into the living room. Claire stood at the dining table scrubbing the wood surface vigorously with a sponge.
"Hey, Claire."
She spun so fast the sponge flew out of her hand and smacked into my chest. "Damn. I'm so sorry."
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked away earlier. I shouldn't have pushed you away."
"No, you were right. This... us... we are moving too fast."
I picked the sponge up and tossed it into the kitchen. "Then we take it slow."
"I'm going to sleep in the spare room. I'll see about finding another place to stay in the morning." She wrapped her arms around herself and for a brief moment I saw a crack in her facade.
"Shh..." I pulled her into my arms. "I am not rejecting you. In any way... I don't want to screw this up, that's all, sweet girl. Stay, please. In the spare room, in my room, where ever you are comfortable."
"Zane—"
I cut off her objection with a kiss. Slow and gentle, I rocked my lips over hers. When she softened against me, I eased back. "Wanna watch a movie?"
41
Claire
"Do you know how lucky you are? I mean, my God, you have a hard-working husband who worships the ground he carries you over, a baby on the way who will be doted on by pretty much everyone who breathes in Garden Falls, and I'm still alone and paying for an apartment I can't go to."
Talia inhaled deeply and looked at me over her steaming cup of coffee. "So why are you fighting Zane every step of the way?"
"Zane... What does he—I mean, what if it doesn't work out? Then not only do I lose him, I lose you too."
"Is that all that's holding you back? Claire, I'm not going anywhere. I mean, yeah, if it doesn't work out, it might change things some. Holidays would be awkward at first. But you are my best friend. That's not going to change. And what if it does work?"
"I love you, T." Too much to risk ruining everything...
"Love you too, girl."
"Wanna hear something odd? Both Z and Zane have called me by the same endearment. Isn't that weird?"
"It's something..."
"What's that mean?"
"I don't know. Don't you find the similarities odd?" Talia waved the waitress over. "I need to go. I have class in a few. Trying to finish the semester off strong since I'm taking next semester off."
"Okay, bye."
To: Claire
Subject: you okay?
Are you just done with me then? Haven't heard a word from you. My fault, I know. -Z-
To: Z
Subject: Re: you okay?
I'm fine. Trying to work out in my head what I want to do. I need someone who is dependable. Who I can count on to show up, day in, and day out. Someone who always be there.
I had breakfast with Talia today and I realized that I want what she has. I want to have a husband who dotes on me and would stop at nothing to make me happy. And eventually... I want children. Not a gob load, but a couple.
I always thought Talia and I would have kids at about the same time and that our kids would grow up together—hers being the closest thing mine would have to cousins.
So, I ask you—where do you fit in that future?
Claire
To: Claire
Subject: Re: Re: you okay?
I want a wife and kids. A wife that looks at me like Talia looks at Sean.
Babies to cuddle and a wife to hold. -Z-
To: Z
Subject: ?
Why didn't you show up then?
Claire
After running a few errands, I made my way back to Zane's. I gathered my things but before I could make an escape Zane came home from work.
"Hey, where are you going?"
"After yesterday, I kinda think maybe I should stay with Talia."
"Why don't you stay?" Zane asked, wrapping his arms around me.
"Because it isn't fair. Not to you. Not to Z... I should not be staying with you while talking to him. Or talking to him while kissing you."
"Claire—"
"My mind is made up." I pulled away, trying not to cry. "Until I can decide what I want, I shouldn't be leading either of you on."
"Hey, I knew about him from the start. It's hardly leading me on."
"I don't want to hurt you. Either of you."
"Claire, please just listen to me."
"Zane, I really need to go. The more time I spend with you, the harder this will be."
He stepped close, tilting my head up, forcing me to meet his gaze. "And what if I told you that I was Z. That I was your secret admirer all along."
Running a hand along his bearded jaw, I answered, "Nice try."
"No, not joking."
"Please don't make this harder than it has to be. I need to figure out for myself what I want. What I need. When you touch me, I can't think. I need a little space. A little time to myself. I'll just be at Talia's. I'm not leaving Garden Falls." I rubbed my fingers against his cheek. "I promise I'm not walking away entirely. At least not yet."
"But I really am—"
"Zane. I'm saying goodbye right now. Arguing's not going to help. You're not going to change my mind." I stepped back and grabbed my bag.
"Damn it, Claire. Will you let me finish a fucking thought? I am head over heels in love with you. I've been leaving you notes, writing you emails, trying to make you fall in love with me. Please don't go."
"Enough, Zane. This is so unnecessary. I'm walking away now. Bye." I turned and walked out the door before I could second-guess her decision. Before I could let the hurt in his eyes change my mind.
"Goodbye, sweet girl," I heard him murmur just before the door closed.
42
Zane
The phone rang and rang. I had almost given up
when a breathless Talia finally answered.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. Just got stuck on the couch and couldn't reach my phone."
"You got stuck...? You know what–I'm not going to touch that one. So, told Claire that I was Z."
"Finally!" Talia squealed. "And?"
"And she didn't believe me. She told me nice try. And walked away. So, what do I do?" I sat down and propped my booted feet on the coffee table. "I thought she and I were actually going to be able to have something. She just walked out on me."
"Zane, I don't think Claire knows what she wants. She's supposed to be coming over here. I'll talk to her. See if I can figure out what her hang-up is."
"Good luck. She's still not willing to open her eyes to what we could have. I'm not giving up just yet though. Take care of her for me." I hung up.
To: Claire
Subject: ?
Why didn't I show?
Now that is a question.
Claire, in just about a month's time, talking to you has become the best thing about my day. I wake up in the morning thinking of you. Wondering how long I need to wait before I send you a message. Wondering if 5 AM is too early. Hell, I lay awake at night thinking of you.
But you—
You don't feel as strongly for me as I do for you. And that would be cool, except that I'm not even sure you like me.
I've tried more than once to tell you who I am. To show you who I am. You aren't ready to see it.
So, for now, this will be my last message.
I am in love with you. The real you. The slightly insecure girl who's afraid of getting hurt. I see the shyness hidden behind false bravado. The loneliness covered by faked gregariousness. I see past pains behind your smile.
But maybe my love is not enough. I don't know.
I know I can't keep on like this. And so for now, I'll say goodbye.
You can message me. I'll read them. But until you are sure of what you want, don't expect a reply.
I love you, my sweet angel girl. And I always will. -Z-
I turned the phone off for the night and turned on the TV. What I was doing to Claire might not be fair, but I didn't know how else to handle it. Maybe if Z disappeared, she'd come crawling back into my arms?
But that wasn't even what I wanted.
I wanted her to come to me because I was her choice.
Her only choice.
The man she couldn't live without.
Since she was the woman I couldn't live without...
I needed a drink. Grabbing my keys, I was out the door and on the way to Garden before I could think about why drinking might be a bad idea.
I was three drinks in before I realized Claire had found her way to Garden as well.
Five drinks in and I cornered her dancing with some blond punk. Well, that dance didn't last long. I shoved the little fuck into the wall. No man was going to mess with my woman and get by with it. Even when the damn club spun like a stripped screw and my head wobbled.
Of course it wobbled more when Sean practically carried me back to the office.
"Dude, just because my sister likes to be packed around doesn't mean I'm going to wrap my legs around you." I grabbed for the desk to steady myself, but the damn thing moved. I plopped down on the floor before I fell on my face.
"Go fuck yourself," Sean grumbled.
"I'm not that kinda guy."
"What the fuck is wrong with you? You know I don't allow that shit in my club."
"Bastard was all over my woman."
"Your woman? She's not a possession." Sean kicked me. "Where are your keys?"
"My pocket."
"Give them here. You're in no shape to drive." My brother-in-law snatched the keys from where I dangled them up. "Why don't you lay down back here and sober up? I'll give you a lift home when I close up."
"She doesn't love me, Sean."
"You think getting drunk and showing your ass is the way to win her over?"
"No..." I shook my head and winced when that made the room spin faster.
"Stay back here and out of trouble." Sean waved toward the couch. "Take a nap. Sober up." The door shut behind him, and I sat in the floor and wondered if I could make it to the couch without the floor tilting again.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
I jerked my head toward the door and tipped over at the sudden movement. Laying on the hardwood, I looked up at Claire.
Her heels clicked as she walked over to me. "What is wrong with you? I was just dancing with him."
"He wanted more than a dance."
"And?" She nudged me with the toe of her shoe. A brief thought flashed through my mind that at least it wasn't that pointy heel. "I'm single. I can dance with any man I choose."
"Why am I not good enough?"
"God, you are so drunk." She wrinkled her nose at me. And she'd never looked more beautiful.
"Not drunk enough to watch the woman I love walk away with another man."
"It was one dance. I was hardly planning a wedding to the guy. Hell, I barely got his name. Let me take you home." She knelt beside me. "Come on."
"I love you, my sweet angel girl."
"I know."
"You are killing me slowly. Why can't you just love me?"
"You are drunk."
"Doesn't make it less true."
43
Claire
The horrid sound of retching was the first thing I heard when I woke. I stumbled out of bed and to the attached bath. Zane knelt before the toilet, beads of sweat lining his pale face.
"Go away," he mumbled, waving an arm weakly in my direction.
"Not what you said last night." I wet a soft washcloth at the sink and wiped his face. "Bet you wish you hadn't had so much to drink last night now, huh?"
"Mmmhmm..." He lay down on the gray ceramic tile and covered his eyes with a shaky hand. "Shoot me."
"Pass. You going to leave this bathroom any time today?"
"Uh uh. Gonna live here forever."
"Well, I have to go to work in a little while. Guess I will be showering in the hall bath this morning then."
"K." Zane rolled into the fetal position and moaned.
I sent Talia a message, knowing she wouldn't look at it for a while, asking her to check on Zane in a few hours. I headed off to work after checking on him one last time. He'd fallen asleep in the bathroom floor, so I covered him with a blanket. The scene just made me shake my head. Men...
I clocked in with only a couple minutes to spare. With my back to the door of the lounge, I poured the first of what was sure to be many cups of coffee.
"Hey, stranger. I thought you'd put Garden Falls in your rear view," a deep male voice rumbled behind me.
I spun around, cursing when some of the dark brew sloshed out onto my hand. Grabbing a stack of napkins, I mopped up my mess. "Oh, hey, Adam. I've just been stuck on nights. You know, stupid rotation..."
The hot anesthesiologist I'd initially thought could be Z leaned against the door frame and winked at me. "Been there, done that. I get to avoid nights most of the time, other than the occasional on-call."
"Lucky you." I winced at the bitchy tone that poured out of my mouth. Damn, I hated rotating shifts. I couldn't regulate my emotions for the first few days. "I'm sorry... my first shift back on days."
"Ah... well, what do you say to dinner tonight? You can apologize properly over a glass of wine and some Italian food." He beamed that thousand-watt smile at me. "I know a great little place."
My heart beat a little faster. Just over a month ago I'd have fallen all over myself to say yes to such an invitation. But now?
"I'm seeing someone. It's complicated, but I can't. Thank you for the offer though. I'm really very flattered."
"Flattered, huh? Ouch. Well, he's a lucky guy. Complicated or not." He straightened up. "The offer stands... if you ever change your mind, let me know."
I sat down and closed my eyes. I'd just turned down the guy every single woman at Garden Falls General wo
uld have given their left boob for. And why?
For Z? A man who couldn't even tell me his name.
Or for Zane? My best friend's older brother who had the power to ruin my closest friendship.
Both of which claimed to love me. Both of which I had undeniable—at least to myself—feelings for. Both of which it seemed like a future with would be completely impossible.
I sure as fuck hadn't been kidding when I said it was complicated.
"Claire, you're needed in room 201."
Jerking back to reality, I tossed out the now cold coffee. "Uh... Thanks, Sue. I'll be right there."
With an extra push for focus, I put the men out of my mind. I got down to business and let work dominate my thoughts. The way it should... the way I needed it to.
I didn't even look at my phone until I took a lunch break. When I finally did turn it on, I had several messages.
Talia: I got the idiot. Don't worry.
Talia: He is attempting to go to work. This should be funny.
Talia: Today is one of the few days I wish I actually worked in the family business.
I hit reply.
Claire: He was curled in the fetal position in front of the toilet when I left. I doubt he makes it through the day. But thank you for going to check on him.
Talia: No prob. Sean said Zane was drinking over you??
Claire: Long story. Call you on my way home. Gotta get back to work now.
I looked at my other messages.
Zane: Why did you make me drink?
Zane: Okay, I made myself, but I still blame you.
Zane: If Dad doesn't kill me for being late, my head may explode. Framing today. Nail guns make my head feel like they are shooting me straight in the head.
Zane: Thank you for bringing me home and not letting me do anything stupid. Well, I hope I didn't do anything stupid.