by Allie Kay
Zane: On second thought—Just don't tell me what I did or said.
Zane: Talking to you is like talking to my conscious. Sometimes you ignore me, sometimes you give me good advice, and sometimes you growl and spew profanities. Today an ignoring day?
Zane: My head hurts.
Zane: I love you, sweet girl.
I couldn't help but laugh reading his messages.
Claire: Not ignoring you. Just at work. I'll see you tonight and tell you every last detail of how last night went. From the girl you were flirting with... to the fight... to your run from the law.
Claire: Avoid the police today, okay?
After I'd sent the messages, I realized I'd just effectively promised Zane that I'd be at his place again tonight. Which was exactly what I'd been trying to avoid last night, leading him to get drunk.
I opened my email. Nothing from Z. Deciding against sending him a message, I turned the phone back off and returned to work. Tonight would be soon enough to try to contact him again.
44
Zane
With my head leaned against the framed wall, I swallowed back another wave of nausea. Somehow, I had to get this job finished—if I could just get the world to stop spinning long enough.
Whack. Whack. Whack.
Every hit of the hammer resonated against my skull. When the men tapped the nails into the lumber, they may as well have been tapping them into my eyeballs. It sure as fuck felt like it anyway. And if Johnny didn't quit with that damn drill...
"Hey, Zane."
Lifting my head took more effort than it should. "What you need, Terry?"
"Just wanted to see if we can move on to—"
"Zane!" Johnny yelled, slapping me on the shoulder. "You look like you have a sore head this morning."
"Do you have to shout?" I whispered, squeezing my eyes tight. "Can you please help Terry for me?"
"Sure thing. But you might want to go home and shower again before you see your daddy. You smell like whiskey and he will kill you if you are drinking on the job."
"Not drinking on the job. Drank too much last night. Never drinking again."
Johnny laughed. "That's what we all say, son. That's what we all say. Til the next time anyway."
I held up my arm and took a big sniff. Fuck. I was sweating whiskey it seemed.
"I told you."
"Hush, Johnny. Can you...?" I waved an arm out.
"Take over for you today? Not tell your daddy that you come to work hungover and stood around with your head in your hands? I got you. Now go home. Sleep it off. And for fuck's sake, hydrate." My dad’s business partner was the more understanding of the two. He still seemed to remember what it was like to be young on occasion.
I grabbed my tool belt and wobbled a bit heading to my truck. I really had no business being on a construction site today. The cab of my truck muffled the beats and bangs of the crew. Closing my eyes, I leaned back against the headrest and waited for some of the pounding to subside. Finally, it settled enough that I could drive.
When I got home, the first thing I did was strip off my barely dusty clothes and lay down. The blissful silence of the apartment eased my throbbing head.
I woke up a couple hours later with my tongue plastered to the roof of my mouth and the headache finally gone. After brushing my teeth and taking a long, hot shower, humanity finally felt within my grasp.
Chirp. Chirp.
Grabbing my phone, I pulled up the message.
Claire: You still alive?
Claire: Now who is ignoring who?
I replied.
Zane: Fell asleep. Feel a hell of a lot better.
Zane: What time will you be home? Getting hungry...
My sister and brother-in-law had both texted as well. I responded to each of them as I read their messages.
Talia: You survive? Drink a lot of water.
Zane: Still alive, T. Can't get rid of me yet.
Sean: You're an idiot. Hope your head explodes. You owe me $125 for a bar stool.
Zane: Um... Do I want to know how I broke a bar stool?
Sean: Because you're a dumb fuck who let some blonde tie you up in knots.
Zane: Says the man who punched walls after kissing a certain redhead I know.
Sean: Redheads are better.
Zane: Shouldn't you be working?
Sean: I just got here. No customers yet. Wanna come drink another 5th?
Zane: Fuck no. Regretting what I had last night. Why'd you let me drink so much?
Sean: Blame Jack. I cut you off after your 3rd. He felt sorry for you.
Sean: Besides... selling as much liquor as possible is what keeps the bills paid and your sister fed. It was a damn joke anyway. You drink too much.
Zane: Got it.
Jesus. Seemed like Sean was going to get on my ass again about how much I'd been drinking. As if today hadn't been enough of a reminder of that.
I got up and drank a big glass of water. Every gulp scratched like sandpaper on my dry throat. I'd just filled it back up when my phone rang.
"Yeah."
"Is that any way to talk to the woman you claim to love?"
"Claim? You know damn well it's more than a claim, woman." I lowered my voice. "Let me prove it to you."
"Want me to pick up some dinner?"
"You just gonna ignore me? Ignore us?"
I could almost hear her eyes roll. "Would I be asking you what you wanted for dinner if I was ignoring you?"
"Japanese?"
"Sounds good. I'll be home in about half an hour." She hung up.
Home. She'd referred to my place as home. My lips turned up into a smile. She didn't even realize I was winning her over. Maybe getting drunk last night was worth it.
45
Claire
I parked the car and was on the second-floor landing, sushi and fried rice in hand, before it hit me—I'd meant to not come to Zane's tonight. Zane came out as I was walking up the last flight of stairs.
"Oh, hey. I was just running this out." He waved a bag of trash in my direction.
"Okay. Um... I'm not even sure why—"
"Go in. We'll talk about it over dinner. Just gimme a second." He brushed past me.
I went on inside and sat my purse down. While waiting for Zane to come back up, I got out silverware and plated up our meals. I was adjusting the plate position for the third time when he walked back in.
"Is it perfect yet?"
"No clue what you're talking about." Heat rose in my face. "Can you grab drinks?"
"Yup. I got beer or soda?"
"Soda for me, please." Sitting down, I waited for Zane to return before eating. "I wasn't sure what you liked, so I got a variety."
"I'm not picky. You should know that by now. I eat about anything that's put in front of me." He sat a can of soda in front of me. "You want a glass?"
"This is fine."
He nodded and sat down. "So, how was work?"
"Boring as usual. I did sneak up to the NICU to cuddle some of the itty bitties today. But that was the highlight. Your day was probably more interesting."
His deep chuckle brought a smile to my face. "Interesting isn't the word I'd use. Clusterfuck is closer."
"I can't believe you actually tried to go to work. I'd have had to call out for certain."
"Dad would have lost his shit if I'd called out for a hangover. Hell, I'm sure I'm going to hear about it as it is. You know how he gets." Popping a piece of sushi in his mouth, he made a little moan of appreciation. "Mmm. This is good."
That little moan brought back a memory. Dark room, perfume filling the air, and Zane in my bed.
No... Zane had never been in my bed. What the hell was I thinking? God, was I confusing Z and Zane in my head now?
"You okay?" Concern lined his face.
"Just confused. Zane..." The thought was so crazy. How did I even ask this? "Have you ever been in my bedroom?"
"Yes."
One word. And instead of clearing th
e confusion, that solitary affirmation swirled the confusion around and thickened it. Zane hadn't gone in my bedroom when he'd rescued me from Mr. McPervertson. So, when had he been in my bedroom?
"When?" My heart raced as I waited for his response.
He put his fork down and pushed back from the table. Coming around, he crouched down next to me. "Halloween night. You were the most beautiful angel I have ever seen."
"Oh God." I stared at him, horror creeping up into my thoughts. I'd actually slept with Zane on Halloween night? He was my mystery man? Talia was going to kill me.
Taking my hand in his, he brushed his lips across my palm. "I tried so many times to tell you. I thought if you got to know me a bit, as Z, that maybe you'd fall in love with me. That you'd give me a chance as myself once you knew."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I tried! You were not willing to hear it. Think about it, love... The night you slapped me at Garden? I was emailing you all night. I was at Garden Falls with enough food for two people. You called me a selfish bastard and damn near broke my rib shoving me away. I emailed you canceling as soon as I was out of sight because you clearly weren't ready to be with me. Hell, the other night, I even told you outright I was your secret admirer. And what did you say? 'Nice try.' Again... you weren't ready to hear the truth. So, tell me, how I could have told you sooner?"
I jerked my hand away from him and rubbed my palm against my scrubs. My hand still tingled from that hint of a kiss. "You should have just said."
"When?"
"The night we slept together," I snapped. "Instead of dragging this out. Making me think you were someone else."
He stood up and started pacing. "Are you serious? If you'd woke up naked in my arms, what would you have done?"
"We'd have talked about it. Had breakfast."
"Bullshit. Be honest." He stopped in front of me. "You'd have freaked the fuck out. Thrown me out of your place faster than I could get dressed. Probably never spoken to me again. You'd have been weird. Avoided me at Garden. Kept Talia between us."
"You don't know that." Wrapping my arms around myself, I denied his accusations, even though I knew deep down he was right.
"The hell I don't. Even in your early emails to 'Z' you referred to me as the world's biggest jackoff. You couldn't stand me and made sure everyone you know knew it."
I stared up at him. His eyes were dark with emotion. Pain.
"I never meant to hurt you," I whispered. "How do I know you weren't just fucking around with me? That it all wasn't some kind of joke. Like see how long it takes Claire to stop being a dumbass. See if you could make me fall in love with a fictional man."
"You should go."
"What?" That was something I hadn't expected.
Lacing his fingers together behind his head, Zane nodded. "Yeah, you need to leave. I love you, but I can't look at you. You've been so—I don't even know what to call it. But I'm done. You either want me, or you don't. Me, Zane, Z, whatever the fuck you want to call me. So, you go home, or to Talia's, or wherever, and think about what you want. If you want me...”
"I can't believe that you are Z."
"What's not to believe? Think about it. Hell, I thought for sure you were going to call me on it any day. I gave you so many hints... so many chances to see who I really was."
"So Z was never real?"
"I'm real. I'm standing right here in front of you and once again, you don't want to see it. You know who I am. What I am. It's either enough or it's not. But I can't play games anymore. I'm done."
"Zane—"
"You know what? Get out!" The thuds of his boots emphasized his anger. The door flung open, slamming into the wall as he released it. "Now."
I focused on not crying. "Zane—"
"Nope. Now go."
"Just listen—"
"Claire, either you leave or I do." He stared down at the floor, arms crossed over his chest.
A lump rose in my throat that felt a lot like regret. Tears burned my eyes and I rushed past him before he could see them fall. When I got to the car, I couldn't hold them back. They rolled unimpeded down my cheeks and a harsh sob broke free.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Furiously brushing the tears away, I looked up. Zane stood there with my purse.
"Thought you might need this." He pushed it into my hands. His hand shook when he brushed the tears from my cheek. "Be safe, love."
I stared as he spun. Tears poured from my eyes when he walked away without a backward glance. I shook my head. How had it come to this? The question twisted and turned in my mind in ways I'd never imagined.
Drops of rain plinked against the windshield and dripped into the open window. I stared through the water speckled glass at the apartment building in front of me. Zane had been part of my life for years now and had always been there with a joke and a laugh. Somehow the bane of my existence had become essential to that existence. To imagine him gone... My heart hurt.
The wind picked up and whipped my hair into lashes that stung my cheeks. If only my pain could be carried away on the winds, whisked off to a forgotten land far, far away.
46
Zane
I grabbed a beer and sat on the couch. Despite how long I stared at the cold glass, answers didn't appear. Had I done the right thing? That I didn't know. But I'd reached the point of having to let go of what might have been. I had to be realistic. Claire might never love me.
Then why did she look like I'd broken her heart?
Left alone in the empty apartment, quiet contemplation threatened to overtake me. But even the silence left me alone. It left me to thoughts, uncontrollable, fragmenting my heart.
I swallowed hard. I'd definitely needed a drink after seeing the tears slip down her pale cheeks.
Thunder cracked and I looked out the window to dark clouds rolling in. With every crack of lightning, my reflection lit briefly in the window. The rain slid down the glass and across my translucent image. The sky mirrored my heart, pouring out rain like the tears I refused to shed.
I swallowed the beer down in one big gulp. Claire's car was no longer in the lot. Had she gone home? Was she safe?
The power flickered. I pulled my phone out of my pocket.
Zane: Did you make it home safely?
I paced in front of the windows, waiting for her to reply. When ten minutes had passed, without response, I was about to go look for her. To check on her.
Claire: Yes
Zane: You okay?
Claire: What do you think?
Zane: I don't know or I wouldn't be asking.
Claire: Do you even care?
Zane: You know damn well I do. But I won't get into this petty BS. If you need me, or decide you want me, you know where to find me.
The phone rattled against the table. I flopped back on the couch and listened to the wind howl outside. As the night grew darker, so did my thoughts. Pain stabbed through me at every flash. Each clap of thunder growled up within me as anger. Rain and sleet tapped against the glass and the storm outside matched the storm raging in my soul.
Claire had played me at my own game. She'd used my love for her for her own benefit while she felt out her precious Z and tried to see if Z was better. She waited for the secret admirer to prove himself... dangling just enough affection to string me along for the time being.
I should have expected her to stay unattainable. But the spark between us had encouraged me. Had tempted me for things I shouldn't want and clearly couldn't have. But I'd rolled the dice and took the risk. This time it had been a bust.
Staring out at the storm-ravaged sky, I tried to tamp down all the emotions rolling over me. Tried not to breathe.
Tried not to go to her and beg her to forgive me for my earlier words and actions. But I wouldn't. Despite a little regret over the delivery, the words I said were accurate.
And I wouldn't give in to the desire to apologize.
Not this time.
Screw the rain. I grabbed a
jacket and headed out in the storm to Garden. There wasn't nearly enough beer in this apartment to get me through the night.
The wind slammed the heavy door behind me when I entered the nearly deserted club. Jack leaned against the gleaming bar, his phone in hand.
"I'm going to tell Sean you were texting on the job."
"Fuck you. Look around, you think he'd care? He'd have a book in his hands if he were here." Jack argued, but slid his phone into the back pocket of his jeans. "What brings you out in this shit?"
"Needed a drink."
"Beer?" Jack reached for a mug.
"Something stronger." I slid my credit card across the hardwood. "Start me a tab."
"Whiskey it is."
The amber liquid burned going down, but I asked for another. "Just leave the bottle."
"Women aren't worth all that, man."
"Do your job and leave me alone tonight." I snatched the bottle from Jack's hand.
"Gimme your keys then. Sean will kill me if I let you kill your stupid self."
I tossed my keys on the bar and didn't look away from the shot glass. Maybe by the time I reached the bottom of the bottle I'd figure out why I was in love with an unattainable woman.
47
Claire
Blazing sun poured in through the open windows, lighting the ice blue walls. Shadows pierced the brilliant hue of the room. I sat up and winced at the scalpel sharp pain in my eyes. I'd cried myself to sleep after leaving Zane's yesterday.
Thank God I didn't have to work today.
Zane had been so angry. Yet I'd seen the hurt darken his eyes as he spoke. The words he spewed had echoed deep within my soul. He'd been one thousand percent right when he'd told me how I'd have acted if I'd woken up next to him after Halloween.