by Allie Kay
I'd been that shallow. And I had said those horrible things about him.
God. I'd not only said them about him, I'd said them to him.
I was the world's biggest bitch.
And I'd probably just screwed up the most stable, normal relationship I could have ever had. But since I'd been too self-absorbed, he'd walked away.
My phone dinged. Talia. Crap.
"Uh, hello?"
"What happened between you and Zane?"
Straight to the point. "We were having dinner... and it just went all wrong. One minute he was laughing, then before I knew it, he was yelling and throwing me out."
"So... you are to blame then." Talia cleared her throat. "You mind if I ask why you were arguing?"
"Because I am an idiot." I sighed. "A blind idiot, apparently."
"So, you finally figured it out?" Talia laughed. "I was getting worried about how dense you were being."
"You knew he was Z?" I whispered. "For how long?"
"Since you showed me the first note. I recognized his handwriting."
"It doesn't piss you off that I was seeing your brother?" I held my breath and waited for Talia to respond.
"Nope. Well... to be honest, it pisses me off to see you all like this. Zane's been crazy for you for a while. But you'd have never gave him a shot. And you have to admit, the whole secret admirer thing was pretty romantic. And creative."
"And made me feel stupid."
"Sometimes you are."
"Gee, thanks. Some best friend you are."
"What? Did you want me to give you some advice instead?"
"It would be appreciated." I sat up and picked at the polish on my nails. "I don't know what to do. How to fix this."
"Talk to him."
"I wouldn't know what to say to him."
"Start with 'I'm sorry.' But you will have to give him time to get bailed out of the drunk tank first." Talia hung up without another word.
Drunk tank? I had so many questions about the why on that. But my mind stayed on the first part of Talia’s suggestion. To apologize…
I'm sorry. Simple enough, yet oh so hard. He'd said he'd tried to tell me. I tapped up the email app on my phone. Each and every message from him—both as Z and as Zane—were consistent. The word usage, even the little endearments on each message, were the same.
I kicked myself for not seeing it. For not accepting it earlier. Looking back on everything, it was perfectly clear. His every email had hinted at his identity. He had been trying all along to let me know who he was.
I prided myself on my ability to learn from my errors, to correct my faults. But this time I had no idea how to correct this. I'd fought against my dreams of having a husband and a family for so long. Built such defenses that now that Zane had breached them, I was afraid. Scared of what he could come to mean to me. What he'd already come to mean to me.
Words left unsaid crashed through my mind. They lingered in the shadows amongst the regrets and sorrows of the past few weeks. Then the memory of his laughter broke through the darkness of my thoughts and brightened my mood.
My hand flew up to my mouth.
I loved him.
Before Halloween, I'd have rather kicked him than kiss him. After Thanksgiving, my feelings for him started to shift. I'd always imagined my soul would recognize its mate when their worlds collided. I'd never thought it would be like this.
Zane freaking Richmond had teased his way into my heart.
48
Zane
I groaned when awareness slipped into my consciousness. Fucking hell, my head was a mess.
I opened one eye. Cinder block, filthy wall, where the hell was I? I sat up and held my head until the room quit spinning.
Or rather, until the cell quit spinning. Damn it.
Stumbling over to the bars, I tried to call out. Clearing my throat, I managed to actually make a sound on my second attempt.
"Hey, can I get a phone call?"
"Richmond?"
"Yeah."
"You've already made bail. Your ride is sitting out front waiting on you."
Who the fuck bailed me out? I signed the papers the guard stuck through the bars. When I got to the front of the jail, I winced.
"Maybe I'll just stay," I told the guard.
"Not happening." The guard laughed. He unlocked a gate and shoved me out of it.
"Can I have my wallet and phone?" I asked.
"You've got everything you had on you."
"I got your shit, asshole. You can have it back once you listen to what we have to say." Sean slapped a big, meaty hand down on my shoulder.
The movement sent a wave of nausea rolling around in my stomach. "Can I pass?"
"Nope." Jack grabbed my other arm. "We are going to have a long chat about the direction you are taking your life."
"But first let's get out of this damn jail. This place is giving me the creeps."
The older men were silent as we drove away from the jail. We headed for the outskirts of town. "Where are we going?"
"My place." Jack pointed. "It's where we are less likely to be disturbed."
"Yeah, no sister to save you." Sean chuckled.
"Do I need saving?"
"You need a swift kick in the ass." Sean pulled to a stop in front of an older house that looked like it had been converted into a couple units. He opened the door and slid his seat forward. "Get out, asshole." Sean shoved me toward the porch.
Jack unlocked the door and a little boy came running around the corner from the back unit.
"Mr. Jack, you is home!" The preschooler ran up and wrapped his arms around Jack's legs. "Where have you been, mister?"
"Mateo! Come back here." A breathless woman ran around the corner of the house and slid to a stop at the end of the porch. "Jack, I'm sorry. You know how he gets when he thinks he might see you."
"It's okay, Joy. He doesn't bother me." Jack patted the little one on the head gently. "But hey, little man, didn't we have us a talk about listening to your mama?"
"Yes, sir." Mateo nodded.
"And?"
"Not running away when she said stop and come back here." He shuffled his bare feet on the worn porch. "I sorry, Mr. Jack. And I sorry, Mama."
"Go on back home with your mama. I gotta have a chat with my friends here. But maybe if it's okay with your mama I can come over when we are done with our talk and we can hang out for a few."
I nudged Sean as we watched the interaction. "You know about her?" I whispered.
"Yeah. She has him as tied up as Claire has you." He shouldered past Jack. "We'll be waiting inside when you get done flirting, Jack."
"I'm not... Fu—Forget you."
Sean and I sat down and waited while Jack said goodbye to Joy and Mateo.
When he came inside, Jack kicked Sean. "What the hell, man?"
"What? You know you were flirting. Some odd, awkward, never gonna get you laid, kinda flirting..."
"Hush. That's not why we are here."
"No, it's not."
They turned and stared at me.
"Do you even know how you ended up in jail last night?" Sean asked.
"Guessing because I was drunk."
"Well, that's part of it." Jack laughed. "Dude... you went outside and stripped down butt fucking naked and were wagging your junk at cars on the street."
"Oh God."
"Yeah, you can thank that God of yours that it was pouring down rain and no one could tell that you were completely naked. I got pants on you before the cops got there."
"Uh... thanks for that."
"So, we took all your stuff and they got you on drunk and disorderly. Better that than indecent exposure."
"Yeah, really, thanks." I rubbed the back of my neck. "Did I do anything else I need to know about?"
"Yeah. You drank a fifth of whiskey and started on a second." Sean leaned forward. "You are drinking entirely too much here lately, bro. We are worried about you."
"I'm fine."
&n
bsp; "Yeah, we know you think so. The thing is, man, we've both been there." Jack pulled a coin out of his pocket. "I've been sober for over eight years now. I didn't think I had a problem until I wound up in jail. And I don't mean overnight 'til I sobered up. I mean doing time."
"Same here. I thought I was fine and could quit at any time." Sean shook his head. "Just lies I told myself trying to justify my next fix."
"I'm really fine." I stood up. "Can you take me back to my truck now?"
"Zane, just promise me you will think about this conversation before you pick up another drink." Sean stood and clamped a hand down on my shoulder. "I don't want you to fall down that path. It's too hard to get back up."
"Damn straight it is. Once you ruin your reputation, your name, you pay hell even getting work."
"I appreciate the concern. Really, guys. But it's unnecessary."
"Okay then. Next time you'll rot in the jail until you can convince your daddy to come get you." Sean stomped toward the car. He fired up the engine, but didn't pull out of the drive.
"That's his way of saying he cares," Jack said. He handed me a card. "There's an AA meeting I go to on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's at the Methodist church on High Street. 9 am. I think you should drop by."
"I'm not an alcoholic." Gritting my teeth, I bit back the curses I wanted to call my friend.
"Yeah. I know. But I want you to see what can happen if you don't cut back. Think about it?"
"Okay."
"Seriously. I know that you aren't an alcoholic. But you are heading down that road. Sean and I both wish we'd had friends willing to pull us back before we'd gone past the point of no return. Answer me this, how many times has drinking got you into trouble recently?"
"A few," I admitted softly.
"Right. Just think about what I said. Okay?"
I nodded.
"Now go on before Sean drives off without you." He shoved me out the door.
"You just want me to leave so you can flirt more with that pretty single mom who lives behind you."
"She deserves better than me. I just help her out with her kid some."
"You don't give yourself enough credit."
Sean laid on the horn.
"I'm coming, jackass."
49
Claire
I made it into my apartment before Mr. McPervertson could grab me. I couldn't wait to move.
So, I hadn't found a place yet, but I was not signing on for another year here. I'd do that travel nurse thing that Sue kept pushing me to try first.
If I could bring myself to leave Garden Falls...
I dialed Sue's number. "Hey, could you email me the contact info about the travel nurse thing? If I don't get into school soon, I may do it."
Sue squealed. "O-M-G, girl! You and me on a beach somewhere would be fan-fucking-tastic!"
I wasn't so sure. Sue had a tendency to get over excited. But I wanted to keep my options open. And the only way I was doing this was if I had to leave Garden Falls. But I really hoped it didn't come to that. "I'm just thinking about it, for now. Don't get your hopes up too high."
I wrapped up the call and flopped down onto the couch, wincing when a spring jabbed me in the hip.
Talia never had confirmed where they got those couches. The phone rang four times before Talia picked up.
"Hello." The level of exhausted in Talia's voice matched the ache in my bones.
"Hey. You okay?"
"Yeah. Finals today. But I know I passed every class now. Just ready for a little break before the baby gets here."
"Okay, good. Did you ever ask Zane about the couch?"
"Crap. No. I forgot. You have his number, you ask him."
"We haven't talked since the other night." Well, a full week now, to be exact.
"Chicken."
"Completely. T, I love him. But I don't know how to fix this."
"Already told you to just talk to him." Talia groaned. "Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"Not you. I'm talking to Sean's daughter. She's stretched out and it freaking hurts."
"Sean's daughter?"
"I don't claim her when she's being a brat."
I laughed. "Not sure it works that way..."
"It does if I say so."
"Does your mom know the baby is a girl yet?"
"Nope. They will find out on Christmas. Don't tell her."
"Do you want to get some dinner later?" I forced myself to sit up. "My treat."
"Nah. I'm pretty tired and Sean was going to come home once Jack got there at nine, so I'll pass tonight."
"Okay. Well, hit me up if you change your mind."
Now what was I going to do for the evening? Maybe Zane would have calmed down enough to talk to me.
Claire: Wanna hang out tonight?
I did a little housework while I waited for a reply. Okay, a lot of housework. In fact, I got my entire apartment clean and straight before he answered.
Zane: Working late. We have a job that has to get finished ASAP. I'll probably be working late most of the week. You okay?
Claire: Yeah. Just lonely...
Claire: I miss you.
Claire: God, did you ever think you'd hear (read) me say that?
Once again it took time for him to reply.
Zane: No, I didn't. I'm really busy, talk later?
I didn't answer. If he was as busy as he was implying, I didn't want to bug him. I put on his tshirt and a chick flick and settled down with some popcorn and my thoughts.
The movie didn't distract me as much as she'd hoped. Instead, it made me long for Zane even more. I needed to see him, before Christmas Eve. And for that, I needed a plan.
Talia answered on the second ring this time. "You again?"
"Yeah. Miss me?"
"Every moment of every day." Talia laughed. "What's up?"
"Can you help me with something?"
"Sure."
By the time I hung up, we'd worked out a plan. It had to work.
50
Zane
"She misses you, you know."
"What?" I turned to my sister.
"Claire. She misses you. Whether she will say so or not. She is stubborn and occasionally needs a push in the right direction."
"Talia, I told her what I needed. I laid it all out and she chose to kick rocks over what we could have had." I pushed away from the table. "I'm heading home."
"Detour by Claire's and drop this off to her for me." Talia held up a little bag.
"You just want to throw us together." I snatched the bag from her. "I know what you are trying to do."
"Maybe I'd rather you just do it since I'm extremely pregnant, extremely tired, and more than a little hormonal right now," she snapped.
"Okay, okay, I'll take it." Backing away slowly, I crossed myself and hissed at my temperamental sibling.
"I will cut you."
"Have to catch me first." I blew her a kiss and slammed the door. I heard something crack against the wood behind me. Chuckling, I walked to my truck.
Sliding behind the wheel, I huffed out a breath. I hadn't seen Claire since I'd turned my back on her in the rain. This should be interesting.
Tangled sheets, stockings and lace, moans and murmurs flitted through my mind as I drove to her apartment. I shoved the fantasy away. "No time for that," I grumbled to myself.
I shook my head to clear those broken dreams before I knocked. Rolling wind cut through the breezeway, coaxing a shiver from my spine. I'd just drop the little gift off and head out. No need to even cross the threshold.
The door jerked open seconds after my knock. Claire stood in the doorway in sweatpants and sock feet. And I wanted to kiss her more than I ever had.
"Uh... Talia wanted me to drop this off on my way home." I held out the little bag.
"Because my house is on your way home." She raised an eyebrow in question. "Sure..."
"She didn't want to come out. I mean, she is like a year pregnant or something."
&n
bsp; "Seven months." A hint of amusement crossed her face before she tightened down her emotions.
"Close enough." I smiled at her. "Uh, you doing okay? That asshat across the hall hasn’t been bothering you again, has he?"
"Yeah. Just working. Same old crap. You?" She wrapped her arms around herself and I watched a shiver course up her thin frame.
"I'm okay. I miss you." I reached out and brushed her cheek. "Get back inside and get warm."
"You wanna come in?"
"Nah. I need to get home." Yet my damned feet refused to move.
"Home isn't going anywhere." She stepped back into her apartment and waved me in with a little smile. "Just for a little while. I can make some hot cocoa."
Before I could second guess the decision, I stepped inside and closed the door. I unzipped my coat. Claire stepped against me and wrapped her arms around my neck.
"Claire—"
"Shhh... Don't think. Just feel." Her lips were on mine before I could continue the protest.
The hell with saying no. I fumbled with the lock before lifting her into my arms. When she wrapped her legs around my waist, I carried her to the bedroom and laid her down on the bed. Breathing in ragged bursts, I waited for her to say no. When the anticipated rejection never came, I whipped my shirt over my head and pressed her back into the bed. With hardly an inch between us, I stroked the soft skin of her throat before covering her lips with my own.
She returned the kiss passionately. Her legs held me tight to her, while her nails scratched along my back almost frantically. Arching her hips against me, she moaned into my mouth. Heat built between us with the spark of every kiss.
"Please," she begged, when I slid my hand under her shirt.
"Say my name," I ordered, my thumb just grazing her nipple.
"Please." She closed her eyes and threw her head back.
"My name is not please." I pulled my hand from her shirt.
She opened her eyes and stared up at me.
I moved away from her and sat on the edge of the bed. Hanging my head in my hands, I willed my body to cool. The world's biggest ass award had my name engraved all over it in that moment. But I couldn't move forward until I knew she was in bed with me, not some fantasy guy she'd constructed in her head. "I can't do this."