Always With Love

by Giovanna Fletcher

  ‘Thanks,’ Billy laughs back bitterly.

  ‘It’s no laughing matter. The work might not be there when you decide you want it again,’ she shrieks.

  ‘Again, thanks Mum.’

  ‘You’ve got to be realistic, Billy,’ she breathes, her tone starting to soften now that she’s exploded, or maybe she’s trying a different tactic to see if it’ll work better. ‘You know how this business and those people work. It’s fickle! I’m not saying it to be unkind, but you can’t be out of the game for too long. They’ll move on to fresh meat.’

  ‘I thought we agreed my sanity was worth more than some movie role,’ Billy frowns.

  ‘It is,’ Julie says, dramatically throwing a hand to her heart, as though devastated that he could assume anything else.

  ‘Well then, who cares what I’m doing as long as I’m happy? If I don’t land an acting role when I decide I’m ready to take it up again, then I’ll do something else that makes me happy. I’ll do some charity work, or some gardening.’ Billy shrugs in such a flippant way that he might as well be waving a red rag at an angry old bull.

  ‘Oh really?’ Julie (the bull) spits, getting riled again. ‘And what will happen to this house and your family when you’re out rustling around in other people’s shrubbery and getting grass stains on your jeans? What will happen to us?’

  ‘God forbid we have to go out and get actual jobs,’ gasps Lauren, placing her hands theatrically over her own heart, echoing the action her mother made seconds before.

  ‘Will you shut it?’ Julie orders her. ‘You’re not helping.’

  ‘Helping what? Billy wanted some time off,’ she argues, leaning back in her chair and not complying with Julie’s demands at all. ‘Seeing as he’s the only one of us that’s done a day’s work since getting here, I think he’s entitled to it. Although let’s not discredit Jay, poor thing gets so compared to Billy all the time that he’s had to move all the way to New York just to get away from you.’

  ‘Go to your room!’ Julie screams, leaping to her feet and thrusting a pointed finger to the door.

  ‘I’m not five!’ Lauren frostily replies.

  ‘Clive, tell her,’ Julie says to her husband, gesturing towards Lauren.

  ‘It’s OK, Loz,’ says Billy, shooting her a small smile and clearly grateful to have someone vocally on his side. Obviously he knows he has me, but there’s no way I could get involved in this dispute and I’m sure he knows that. ‘Mum, I don’t think this is the best way to deal with things. You throwing a wobbly isn’t going to make me want to do what you so desperately want me to. In fact, it’ll push me even further the other way. Just … just calm down. This is ridiculous.’

  ‘So that’s what I am to you now, is it? Ridiculous?’ she asks, her eyes visibly welling up with tears.

  ‘Mum, I didn’t say that,’ Billy says patiently. ‘Come on, you’ve twisted my words.’

  ‘I’m done,’ she sobs, dramatically shoving her chair back from the table and storming out of the room. Seconds later we hear her bedroom door slam shut.

  ‘I’ll go,’ sighs Clive, giving the table a tight smile before following her.

  ‘What the fuck just happened?’ asks Jenny, her face looking utterly confused.

  ‘Mum’s lost it,’ says Lauren matter-of-factly, raising an eyebrow and throwing down her knife and fork as she leans back in her seat.

  ‘I’d say,’ replies Jenny.

  ‘You OK?’ Billy asks, putting his hand on my knee.

  ‘That was … eventful,’ I exhale.

  ‘Never seen anything like it?’ asks Hayley with a grin.

  ‘Nope,’ I admit.

  ‘The lady has five children to deal with. It’s no wonder she blows. We’ve seen this dozens of times before. She simmers for a few hours, explodes, cries and eventually goes back to being vaguely reasonable,’ shrugs Hayley, not seeming at all bothered about what just occurred.

  ‘Right …’ I say, surprised they all seem to have such an understanding of their mum. But then, I know and understand my own mum far better than she thinks I do. Perhaps all mums think of their children as switched off to their emotions, not really giving us the benefit of the doubt.

  ‘She’ll be more embarrassed that you’ve seen her like that,’ says Jenny, looking at me.

  ‘Oh, she doesn’t need to worry about that …’ I mumble, putting down my knife and fork and leaning back in my chair.

  ‘We’ll clean this all up,’ says Lauren, standing and collecting up the plates around her. ‘You two go off for a bit,’ she says to Billy and me, gesturing towards the door.

  ‘You don’t have to do that,’ I start, leaping to my feet and grabbing a couple of plates.

  ‘We’ll be in my room,’ says Billy, taking my hand away from the delicate china and leading us out of the room and downstairs.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he says as soon as his bedroom door is shut. ‘I can’t believe you had to see that.’

  ‘You don’t have to be sorry,’ I say, giving him a hug and holding him close.

  ‘It’s bonkers …’

  It is exactly that, I think to myself. Utterly bonkers that his mother would act in such a way and clearly try to emotionally manipulate the situation so that Billy ended up doing what she so badly wanted. And the fact that she tried to get the rest of the family involved too … what did she hope would happen? That they’d all gang up on him and he’d bend to their will? Would they be happy knowing he was only doing the film for that reason? That his heart longed to be elsewhere but felt forced to comply with their wishes? It seems a horrible way of getting what you want.

  ‘I can’t believe she spoke to you like that,’ I say.

  ‘She’s my mum. She loves me more than anything. I know she only wants the best for me,’ he replies, shrugging in my arms.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘She’s not that lady. She’s just passionate about us kids.’

  I don’t respond, knowing it’s not my place to speak badly or question his mother’s motives. Back when his ex-manager Paul was, in my opinion, being manipulative over Billy, us, and his career choices, I did question it a few times – which didn’t go down too well. Billy is a loyal soul, and would definitely be protective over his family, especially his mum. Criticizing the family of your partner should never be done in a relationship. I might not be the most experienced when it comes to relationships, but even I know that.

  ‘What are you going to do now?’ I mumble into his chest.

  ‘Wait until tomorrow and talk to her calmly.’

  ‘You’re not going to talk it over tonight?’ I ask, my head moving away from him so that I can see his face. I can’t believe Billy will be able to sleep later knowing his mum is so upset, even if she’s that way because she wound herself up so badly. I also don’t believe Billy will be able to simply brush off the incident and snooze soundly. It’s horrible trying to sleep with that agitated undercurrent bubbling away. He knows it’s something I try my best to never do.

  ‘Fine, I’ll wait a couple of hours for it all to dissipate and then I’ll go talk to her.’

  ‘That’s better,’ I say, cuddling into him again.

  ‘God knows what I’m going to say …’

  Yes, I sigh to myself, but I’d rather not think about it.

  ‘Do you think it’s true what Lauren said about Jay?’ I ask.

  ‘Feeling compared to me?’ Billy asks with a sigh. ‘Must be flipping hard being my brother. The girls can avoid that to a certain extent, but not him.’

  ‘Do you think that’s why he’s not here?’

  ‘Don’t know … I definitely think that’s part of the reason he’s working so hard to achieve something away from us all.’

  ‘So you could argue that being compared to you has given him drive and passion?’ I suggest, knowing he’s still upset that his little brother isn’t here, but trying to put a positive spin on it.

  ‘Maybe. Want to go for a swim?’ he asks, nodding towards
the window, indicating he’s done with the discussion for now. ‘Might help your hangover.’

  ‘You know what, I’d completely forgotten about that.’

  ‘It’s amazing what a family drama can do,’ Billy laughs, heading off to get changed.

  12

  It feels odd to be outside enjoying the warmth of the day with Billy when we know Julie is inside feeling awful. However, the swim does help to shake off the grogginess I woke up with and the anxious feeling that’s been building inside me all day. The stretching of my weightless limbs as they glide through the water, combined with the sun beaming on my back, helps bring a sense of stillness.

  ‘You’ve been in there for ages,’ Billy calls from the side of the pool, his legs dangling in the water. In contrast, he’s been sunbathing on a lounger, or possibly stewing over what he’s going to say to his mum when he next sees her.

  ‘I’m on one hundred and twenty-eight laps now,’ I grin, as I swim past him.

  ‘Good going! How many you doing?’

  ‘Two hundred? Or one-fifty?’ I breathe, as I realize I’m already fairly shattered. I didn’t mean to swim so much, but I’ve just kept going, enjoying the feeling it’s stirred in me.

  ‘Nice,’ Billy nods, smiling at me. ‘I’m starving.’

  ‘Me too,’ I admit. Julie might have cooked an impressive roast dinner (minus the vegan dish), but none of us really felt up to eating much while all the arguing was going on, or once the battle had been fought.

  ‘I’m going to go see if I can rustle up something in the kitchen,’ Billy says, getting to his feet. ‘You keep going and come in when you’re done.’

  ‘Will do,’ I say, putting my head back under the water and ploughing through my tiredness, wanting to get to a round number.

  When I get to a hundred and fifty, I’m spent. There’s physically no way I can reach two hundred today. Maybe it’ll be an aim of mine while I’m here, I decide, as I wrap a towel around me and dry off.

  I sit on the corner of a sun lounger and wait for my heart to steady itself. I might be on my feet all day in the shop, but I’m still a bit slack when it comes to doing regular exercise, and my body is currently making sure I know it. In stark contrast to how I felt in the water, I now feel heavy and lifeless. Although, bizarrely, it actually feels quite pleasant and grounding.

  Once the late rays of the afternoon sun have dried me off and my body has semi-recovered, I stand, slip my feet into my brown Havaianas, and decide to venture towards the kitchen to get some grub.

  I’m about to walk through the door when the sound of talking stops me.

  Julie is in there with Billy. Despite what happened earlier, I’m glad they’re trying to discuss the matter.

  ‘Mum, honestly, I know where you’re coming from and I know you might think I’m being ungrateful, but –’ I hear Billy say, as though reasoning with a child.

  ‘I don’t think you’re being ungrateful,’ Julie says with a big sigh. ‘Well, part of me thinks you’re being utterly absurd and childish, but,’ she breathes, clearly stopping herself from getting irate again and trying her best to talk in a calmer fashion. ‘It’s my place to worry. I’m your mum, Billy. And all I ever want is what’s best for you.’

  ‘I know that,’ Billy replies softly.

  ‘I don’t want word getting round that you’ve turned down Ralph. It could be detrimental to everything you’ve spent so long creating. You’re the charming soul who’s hardworking and dedicated, who’s worked relentlessly to win the respect you’ve gained,’ she says. I might not be in the room, but it sounds as though she even has a smile on her face. Clearly, the atmosphere is totally different now they’re on their own and a couple of hours have passed. ‘Don’t forget how hard you had to work to shake off that teen image you had. You did it. You won a BAFTA, Billy. Who’d have thought that would’ve happened five years ago.’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ he laughs in response.

  ‘I understand that you needed to take time away, and if I ever see that Heidi flipping Black I’ll show her what for, but you’ve got the accolade you strived so hard to achieve. You’d be foolish not to follow that up with a great piece of work, to show your fans that you’re still here and to really hit home that you’re the actor to be watched. The actor of your generation.’

  If anything, it’s touching to hear her give Billy credit in such a heartfelt exchange. Talking about the decision in terms of what it’ll mean for him and his career, rather than how he’d be a disappointment to the family if he didn’t take part.

  ‘Mum, films are being made all the time,’ he says, still trying to make her see his point. ‘Not taking this one doesn’t mean I won’t secure something electrifying when I’m ready.’

  ‘You don’t think you’re looking a gift horse in the mouth?’

  ‘No …’

  ‘Because I’d hate for you to look back and regret your decision.’

  From where I’m standing at the other side of the door (ridiculously rooted to the spot), I can’t hear an audible reply from Billy, but there seems to be a pregnant pause hanging over them while Julie’s words linger in the air.

  ‘And another thing – now, don’t be cross at me for talking about this – but you’re so young. Too young to be throwing your life away for a girl.’

  I feel as though I’ve been smacked across the face, stunned that I’ve even been brought into the conversation. My chest tightens, my body stiffens and my breathing stops – eager, yet petrified, to hear exactly what’s going to be said next.

  ‘Mum,’ he says in a low and pained tone, as though he’s warning her to stop.

  ‘What? Where do you see it going, Billy? Do you think you’ll end up marrying her?’ she asks, as though the idea is absurd. ‘I mean, Sophie’s a lovely girl but perhaps it was a bit of normality you craved so much.’

  ‘Don’t underestimate normality, Mum. Or Sophie,’ he says dryly, his voice low and steady.

  ‘Oh, I know she seems very sweet and I’m not surprised you were so drawn to her,’ she says, seeming to back off of her argument before deciding otherwise and continuing. ‘But does she understand the business? In the long run, how will she cope with you travelling around filming in different locations while she’s stuck at her shop.’

  I bristle at that – there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather spend my time than at Molly’s-on-the-Hill, and I was beginning to think Billy felt the same.

  ‘We’ll cope together,’ Billy brushes her off.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘I love her.’

  ‘Enough to throw away your dreams?’

  ‘Enough to chase love and happiness,’ he says flatly, causing tears to prick at my eyes as I bite down on my bottom lip.

  ‘They’re big words, Billy,’ Julie says, theatrically taking a huge intake of breath. ‘I just hope they don’t come back to bite you in the arse.’

  ‘They won’t.’

  ‘How can you be so sure?’

  ‘Because you brought me up properly and I know what’s important in life,’ Billy says softly, appealing to her romantic side.

  ‘And what if she’s not the one? What if this is all for nothing?’

  ‘Then at least I’ll know I did the best I could. That I acted decently – always with love.’

  ‘I see,’ Julie sighs.

  Part of me wants to crumble on the spot and sob, the other wants me to make my presence known to them both. Yet I’m unable to do either. Instead I remain standing and listen to the silence that’s fallen between them.

  ‘And what about us?’ Julie eventually asks meekly, almost inaudibly.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Billy asks, his voice soft and caring.

  ‘Oh, nothing,’ she murmurs, before breaking into quiet sobs.

  ‘Mum …’

  ‘Just don’t forget about us,’ she weeps.

  ‘Mum, I couldn’t.’

  ‘And don’t think we don’t want anything but the best for you …’
/>   ‘Mum, why are you being like this?’

  Having heard more than I should have, I tear myself away. Tiptoeing back along the hallway, I go down to Billy’s room. When the door is finally closed behind me, I gasp for air, my chest heaving in panic.

  I shouldn’t have stood there so long. I shouldn’t have listened to their conversation. Because now I’ve heard things I can’t un-hear and sadly I know just how little Julie thinks of me. I know she doubts my ability to cope and that she’s failed to see me as a permanent fixture in Billy’s life.

  It’s crushing to hear the mother of the person you love question what you share and value, as though me and my normality have been just a phase for Billy. A phase that he’ll probably soon tire of and regret …

  But she’s been so nice and welcoming to me since we arrived. Surely that can’t have been all an act to get me on side?

  I can only imagine the stream of girls Billy has brought home in the past, some, undoubtedly, with dubious intentions to further their own careers. With that in mind I can understand her being a little cautious, but surely she knows I’m not like that. Right? I’m not looking to gain anything from our relationship and I’m not looking to pin Billy down and stop him from doing what he loves. I love him. I want him to flourish in life!

  I hate that she thinks I’m a huge part in his decision not to do this film with Ralph and Richard. I mean, I know I’m a part of it, but I’m not the whole reason, surely? He wanted time away from everything. Time to be himself …

  But what if that decision drove a wedge between him and his family? What if it grew into something irretrievable? How would I cope knowing I had a part in causing that?

  Although I hate to admit it, some of what Julie said made sense. Billy has worked hard – first of all to get into one of the biggest teen movie trilogies of all time, and then to break the mould and be recognized for his indisputable talent away from that genre. Is a break now the best thing? Has he really thought it through beyond worrying that it would hurt me? I saw the way he was practically drooling over Ralph Joplin last night and I’m not sure he could guarantee he wouldn’t hate seeing someone else playing the role they so desperately want him for. I’m not sure I could cope knowing he missed out on such a huge opportunity, just so he could head back to Rosefont Hill and bake cakes by my side for the next few months.