Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  “Thanks honey, but I’ll probably stay in the comfort of my own home unless for some reason Lily is restless and I think she’d be happier at home. Otherwise, you can just pick her up here. “

  “That’s fine of course, thank you so much.”

  “You just have fun, honey. Take your time. We’ll be here.”

  “Okay. Call me if you need to okay? Don’t hesitate.”

  “I won’t. Go. Have fun. Lily will be fine.”

  Rowan kisses Lily softly on the cheek and then runs a hand over the top of her head, “Bye sweet baby of mine.”

  Rowan turns to me and I offer my arm. We walk to the passenger side of my truck, I open the door and help her up. “Is it hard to leave her?” I ask before closing her door.

  She looks down at me and smiles as if she’s relieved that I understand. “I keep expecting it to get easier. I mean I know it will eventually but it hasn’t yet.”

  “She’ll be good. Audrey’s great. I mean… you know… she seems really nice.”

  “Yeah, she is and Lily loves her.”

  “Thanks for coming with me tonight.”

  “It isn’t like you gave me much of a choice,” she teases. I smile and close the passenger door, then walk to my side and let myself in. After I buckle up, I respond to her comment.

  “Nope. I didn’t give you a choice because I knew you would overthink things too much. Why? You don’t like being bossed around?”

  She smiles at me with a grin that can only be called mischievous, “I wouldn’t say that exactly.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Let’s just say there’s a place where being bossed around is pretty hot.”

  “A place?”

  “Yes. The bedroom,” she says with a wink.

  Holy. Fuck. She did not just say that. My eyes hold hers until she bites her lip and looks down. She makes me want to drag her out of this truck and bring her back to her house, slam the door behind us and then fuck her against it. A vision of her completely naked with her legs wrapped around my waist as I pound into her, flashes into my mind. I run my hands down my legs and adjust myself before starting the truck and clearing my throat. I can’t get a handle on this girl. She makes me crazy.

  “Well…I look forward to putting that to the test.”

  She smirks and I chuckle at the sight. This is going to be a fun night.

  It’s ridiculous how giddy I feel about being on a date with this man. I spent a couple hours getting ready. Straightening my long dark hair, carefully applying makeup around my eyes for a perfect smoky look and going through my closet seeking the perfect clothes to wear. All like a crazy woman being set free. It was important to me to look good for him.

  While I got ready, Lily was sitting in her bouncer seat, eyes wide no doubt wondering how the hell she ended up with me as her mother. Each outfit, I would pose for her and ask her what she thought. She was a captive audience and spoke to me in her little baby chatter the whole time. I loved it. When I tried on the outfit I felt was the one, her jabbers made me decide she must have agreed. The bonus was when I held her and she didn’t spit up on the choice. I don’t want to even think about how many shirts I can go through in a day right now and how I’ve come to loathe doing laundry.

  Turning my thoughts from Lily back to my handsome date, I ask, “How was your day?” I feel nervous and unsure about what I should talk about. I feel like my life revolves around my child and I have nothing to offer. It would be awful if we had an awkward silence situation.

  He looks at me briefly and raises a brow, before turning his attention back to the road, “It was great honey, how was yours?”

  “Ha. Ha. I’ll have you know I’m no stranger to sarcasm. I’m being serious. I heard you tell Lily that you practiced today. Is that typical? Do you train every day? You know what I do. I work at the diner and take care of Lily. Bam. The end. What does your day usually entail?”

  He chuckles at my description, “I doubt your day is as simple as all that, but my day was fine. I spent most of it practicing with my coach and being lectured by him. Yes, I generally practice every day – it’s just become part of my daily routine. I feel strange if I don’t. After that, I did some boring paperwork that needed done for the gym. Nothing too exciting about my day - that is until I finally left to pick you up. This is easily the best part of my day.”

  My lips curve upwards in response to his comment. “What do you mean you were lectured?”

  “Oh my coach, his name is Gil, he always gets into lecture mode when a fight gets closer.”

  “How soon is it?”

  “It’s in a couple weeks.”

  “Wow, that’s soon. Are you nervous?”

  “Nah. It’s just a job. I mean, I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also what I do for a living aside from owning the gym. I’ve been competing for a long time and while I still get nervous before a fight, it also feels right. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just that I know it’s what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s in my blood.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, professional fighting runs in my family. My grandfather was involved in the MMA as a coach. When I was in high school, I was on the wrestling team – and I loved it. I did some boxing and mixed martial arts on the side because my grandfather and father taught me, but wrestling was my focus for a while. Especially when I received a small scholarship to wrestle in college. When I graduated, I began doing MMA full time and started fighting professionally through connections my grandfather had. I’ve been doing it ever since.”

  “Did your dad fight too?”

  “He did. He was injured, took a bad hit to one of his eyes that messed up his sight and he had to retire.”

  “Oh my god, that’s scary.”

  “That’s not a typical injury. It was kind of a crazy fluke, but it made him angry and bitter.”

  “Do your father and grandfather come to your fights?”

  “My father does because he helps organize our sponsors. He has a lot of connections from his days as a fighter. Plus, he’s taken a personal interest in one of our fighters, Cole.”

  “What do you mean by personal interest?”

  “He’s backed him personally, meaning he’s one of Cole’s sponsors along with other invested companies.”

  “Is he one of your sponsors too?”

  “No.”

  I look at him with a clear question in my eyes, but he doesn’t expand on his statement. “And your grandfather? He watches your fights?”

  “No. My grandfather passed away.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. Was it recently?”

  “It was a little more than a year ago. When he passed away, he left me the gym in his will.”

  I’m surprised by how forthcoming he’s being about something so private. “He left you the gym? Wow. What an amazing gift.”

  “Yeah. It was a big surprise. He would make comments here and there about when I ran things I needed to remember this or that, but I never took him seriously. My dad, needless to say, has never been happy about it. But that’s a whole other story. We don’t have a great relationship in case my telling you about his support of another fighter, and lack of support for me, didn’t make it clear enough.”

  “Ah. Well, I know more about difficult parental relationships than you think.”

  He reaches over and takes my hand and brings it to his thigh, “Maybe some day we can compare notes.” I just laugh at his comment and in a bold move, place my hand on his thigh giving it a squeeze. Feeling the hard muscle underneath makes me want to touch more of him. “Will you come to watch me fight? I bet you’d be my good luck charm.”

  “I would love to come.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Definitely. Just give me the details as soon as you know them so I can be sure to request the time off of work. I’ll also arrange for Audrey to watch Lily.”

  “You’ve got it. I have it all written down in my office, I’ll get it to
you. In fact, why don’t you come to the gym? You can watch me train, or work out yourself if you want, or just hang out with me. You can bring Lily. There’s always plenty of us around and we will all help and keep an eye on her.”

  “Plenty of you?”

  “Yeah. There’s a lot of fighters that work out at the gym, all ages. We even have kids classes during the week, but I was specifically referring to a group of my friends that I’m with all the time. We’ve all been friends a long time, and all fight and train together. I’ll introduce you to them. You already met Zane.”

  “Oh yes, Zane.” He gives me a look and I laugh. I’m honored he wants to introduce me to his friends. I mean, meeting the friends - isn’t that serious? “I’d like that. Tell me about them.”

  “Nothing much to tell really. They’re all good guys. I’ve known Zane the longest because we grew up in the same neighborhood and met when we were eight years old. The other guys – Levi, Cole, Ryder and Dylan – Zane and I have been friends with since high school.”

  “That’s really cool.”

  “Yeah, we all even went to college together. Just locally to Arizona State University, but that’s the main crew. There are some other fighters that train at the gym too of course, but the six of us are all professional. The others either do it for keeping in shape, or to compete in our gym fight night events.”

  “Wow, well, I look forward to meeting them. I think it’s great you’ve all been friends so long.”

  “Do you have friends from your childhood that you keep in touch with?”

  “No. I had a couple good friends when I was in high school, but Tyson and I moved away as soon as we could and that meant leaving them behind. We tried to keep in contact initially, but then life got in the way.”

  “That’s too bad, but sometimes we all have to sacrifice things for our ultimate happiness. We don’t see it at the time, but later things like that always become clear.”

  “That’s an interesting way of looking at it. Unfortunately, my friends were sacrificed for my happiness I guess, because getting out of California wasn’t an option for Tyson and me, it was a necessity.”

  “Why is that?”

  Before I think twice about it I find myself wanting to be honest, needing to tell the truth instead of the watered down version I usually share when asked. “Our mom has problems and she always blamed Tyson and me for all of them. We were always her crutch, her targets - the people to blame for her self-defined horrible life. It didn’t matter what we did, or how much we tried to provide her everything and anything she ever wanted, she always found fault. We were the reason she was single and a poor provider, a poor mother, and everything else that she lacked. We were young when we first started dreaming of the day we would escape her. When we were sixteen, we told each other repeatedly that as soon as we were eighteen we would leave. And we made it happen. The day after our eighteenth birthday, we got the hell out.”

  His brow furrows and he gives my hand a squeeze letting me know he’s paying attention although his focus remains on the road. “Wow. You are both so brave.”

  “No we aren’t. We are just two people who knew that in order to survive we had to escape our history or face a life of low esteem and defeat since we were constantly told by someone who hated us that we were worthless. We refused to believe her, continually tried to support each other, and wanted the chance to determine our own destinies.”

  “She sounds like she was very cruel and hateful.”

  With a deep sigh, I look at him quickly, then look back at the road before us. “She was – and likely still is. She blamed our birth on the fact that our dad left her.”

  “What?”

  Laughing without humor I explain, “She’s told us since I can remember that the Martin women are cursed. Her grandmother and mother all had men that left them. My amazing father left when she told him she was pregnant. She’s blamed us ever since and I grew up hearing about our family curse and how I would always be alone and unworthy of love.”

  “Fuck. You don’t believe that shit right?”

  Smiling weakly, I shake my head, “No, of course not,” I lie trying to both sound convincing and persuade myself, but catch a quick glimpse of Jax’s expression that says he’s not quite sure he believes me.

  “Does she know where you are?”

  “No. The night we left, she was on her way to getting significantly drunk. Not atypical. She caught us packing and initially screamed at us. Eventually, her drinking became much more important and she left us alone to lose herself in it, and we walked out and never looked back.”

  “Wow.”

  It’s my turn to chuckle at his reaction. “Yeah. I guess in a way I should thank her.”

  “Thank her? Why?”

  “Well, despite her hatred and carnage, she’s made me even more determined to be the mother to Lily that she never was to me.” I shrug my shoulders not knowing what else to say.

  “Well hell, some date I am. All I’ve done is bring you down with this conversation. We’re supposed to be having fun.”

  Laughing I give his thigh a squeeze again, “I haven’t been out for fun in ages, or had adult interaction like this for a long time, other than with Tyson on the phone and Audrey. We could go to the golden arches for dinner and I’d be happy. As long as I had adult conversation on the side with my cheeseburger.”

  He smiles wide, making his dimples wink at me and I find myself smiling wide in return. As we pull into the parking lot to the concert venue, he unbuckles his seatbelt and places a soft kiss on my cheek. It makes me shiver and break out in goose bumps all over my body. My nipples harden and my back arches a little in response. “Let’s go have a good time. Yeah?”

  “Sounds good,” I whisper having trouble finding my voice. He grins at me knowingly. “Wait here.”

  He walks around to my side of the car and helps me down, then holds my hand all the way inside. He maneuvers us through the crowd after we each get a beer and I’m astonished when I realize where our seats are. “The front row?”

  He smirks, “I told you I have connections.”

  “Yeah, but holy hell. I’ve never been in the front row before!”

  He laughs at my enthusiasm and takes a sip of his eight dollar beer. “Only the best for you, babe.”

  I like the way the word babe sounds coming from his lips. Especially when he’s saying it to me. Jason called me baby sometimes and I had always hated it. Forcing that asshole from my thoughts, I wrap my arm through Jax’s and place my head on his shoulder. “Thank you. I’m glad you invited, er told, me to come.”

  He laughs, “Me too.”

  When The Sinners come out to perform, Jax brings my body in front of his own and wraps his arms around my waist after we discard our beers. He sways us to the music when it’s slow and grinds his hips into mine when we dance to the fast songs. His lips are at my ear and each breath he takes ruffles the hair at my neck. The band is amazing, but my attention has become completely focused on the feeling of his body against mine. Every brush, every bump, every caress is magnified so much that I want to turn in his arms and kiss the hell out of him. I want to push my ass back into his hips in invitation. I want to take one of his hands and place it on my breast, while I push the other down between my legs begging him to help me find release. My breaths come in pants; my need and want for him so strong I can feel it pounding in my chest and ringing in my ears.

  A small voice in the back of my mind tells me that it’s too soon. It says he will walk away like Jason did, that this is stupid and I’ll end up broken in the end, but I don’t care. What is life without taking risks? I don’t want my mother’s hateful words or Jason’s hateful actions to influence the rest of my life. I realize that these emotions are like a fucking teeter-totter. Some days I can see the foolishness in believing my mother’s words, but others I think maybe she was right. It’s a headache at times, but I hope that someday I’ll be able to let that teeter-totter stay dipped down on only one si
de – the right side.

  Pushing aside my feelings of unworthiness, I let myself simply feel. I feel the way he runs his fingers up and down my arm. I feel the way his chest vibrates against my back as he hums along to the songs. I feel the need in my heart to be a woman lusting after a man, refusing to ask myself what the ulterior motive is. For once, I don’t want to let my past dictate my future. So when I feel his lips graze my neck, I close my eyes and lose myself in the feeling and I wrap my arms tighter around his.

  When the concert is over, Jax turns me around in his arms and smiles down at me. Looking at him, my lips itch with the need to kiss him. Yelling to be heard over the screaming he asks, “Did you love it?”

  Smiling so big my jaw aches I nod my head, “So much!”

  “I have a surprise for you.”

  Before I can say a word, Jax takes my hand and pulls me behind him. We make our way to the side of the stage and he pulls something from his pocket and shows it to a security guard standing there. To my utter astonishment we are let by and Jax leads me to the back of the stage, down some stairs, and inside a large room. Looking around I see some other people loitering around. There are couches, chairs, a bar and a bunch of food set up on a table. I look at him questioningly. “What’s all this?”

  “Oh nothing, it’s just that you’re going to meet the band.”

  “Shut up!”

  He laughs and pulls me into his arms. “How am I doing for our first date?”

  “How are you ever going to top this?” I tease.

  He laughs and pulls me over to the table of food. “Hungry?” I nod and we fill our plates and find seats talking all the while about the concert, our favorite songs and what other concerts we’d like to attend.

  When the band finally comes through the doors, I feel nerves flutter in my stomach. Jax stands and starts to pull me along, but I find that I can’t move. He turns around and looks at me in confusion, “What’s wrong?”

  “I’ve never met a celebrity before.”

  He laughs and cups the side of my face, “You are so adorable, do you know that?”