Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  “Oh my god. He’s blaming you for looking toward the future and a life with a new baby.”

  “Yeah, and I don’t agree with what he said, at all. Right before you got here I threatened to take him to court for back child support and to settle this legally because I’m tired of dealing with all of this. I decided to hear him out because of my need to give Lily a normal family, with her mom and dad in her life. That’s all it was.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “Please don’t be mad. I’m just trying to put aside my own personal feelings and do the right thing for Lily.”

  “And where does that leave us exactly?”

  “I don’t understand the question.”

  “Well, while you, Jason and Lily are busy being a quote, unquote, normal family, where does that leave me and us?”

  “It leaves us as we are. I love us. I love you. I want us to be together.”

  “But you also want Jason?”

  Her brow furrows, “Not in the way I think you’re suggesting.”

  I’m so angry I can’t even stop to think about her feelings and where she’s coming from right now. “And what if I told you that I don’t want that asshole to have anything to do with Lily, or us?”

  “I don’t know that I have a choice in the matter. Like it or not he is Lily’s father.”

  “I want to be her damn father!” I bellow surprised at my own outburst, but with the words I realize the truth behind them. “I love her. And I love you. And I don’t want him or anyone else intruding on that.”

  “I understand, I do.” She walks to me and reaches out a hand but I back up from her and hate the flash of pain I cause to cross her face. “I’m just trying to be smart here. I’m trying to do what I think is best all the way around.”

  “And if I don’t agree with your choice?”

  “I don’t know. I’d like for us to talk about this and come to a decision together. Like I said though, I don’t know how much of a choice I really have if Jason forces me to take him to court because he doesn’t give up. I will say that he didn’t take too kindly to that when I brought it up.”

  Staring at her and Lily, I want nothing more than to gather them into my arms and run away. Far away where no one else can threaten what we have. Where I can adopt Lily and make her mine. Where I can marry Rowan and make her mine too. I don’t like feeling threatened, not one bit. As if Lily can sense my feelings she reaches her arms out for me and it breaks something inside of me to not take her from Rowan and hold her close, but I can’t deal with this right now. “I need to go.”

  “Again? You just got back. We need to talk about this.”

  “I can’t deal with this right now.”

  “Jax, please.”

  Spinning around I look her in the eye, “One thing I think you need to think about is your definition of a normal family. Your thoughts on the matter are screwed up. You may take Jason to court and he may end up getting visitation and all that shit, but what about the future? What happens when Jason freaks out and bails again? How will that affect Lily then? I know that isn’t something you can control or anticipate but if Lily having her biological mother and father in her life is how you view a normal family, then I think that’s a problem. You need to reevaluate your definition of an ‘ordinary’ family.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I sigh and rub my temples, “That’s the thing. If I have to explain it to you, then that’s a problem.”

  With that I stalk to my truck and leave. I can’t stay. I need to think and work out what I’m feeling. Deciding to head back to the gym, I try to shift my mind to the equipment I’m going to beat the shit out of to work out this aggression. It works for a second, until I look in my rearview mirror and see Rowan and Lily still standing where I left them.

  Hours have passed since Jax left, and I’m lying in bed trying to get some sleep. Tyson came home for a little while and tried to cheer me up, but as soon as it became apparent his efforts were futile, he asked if I would be okay and then left. I have no idea where he went at this time of night, but he’s a big boy and I’m too exhausted to worry about it.

  My eyes are swollen, my head aches, and my nose is running from all the tears I’ve shed. I’ve started to call Jax several times, but have miraculously managed to refrain from doing so. He said he wasn’t ready to talk and I’m trying like hell to respect that, even though it’s so damn hard.

  When Jason called this morning, he pushed me again to let him see Lily and to talk things out. When he showed up on the doorstep I knew that if I kept slamming the door in his face, this was just going to keep replaying over and over. I guess I thought trying to settle things was the best strategy for everyone. I’m the queen of asking why. All my life people have only done things because they want something in return, and I know that Jason is no exception. I’ve only ever had two people in my life that have been an exception to that, two people that truly love me, and their acts are based on love, not want. Tyson and Jax. I realize that it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the need to ask Jax or Tyson why. It’s progress because usually I automatically assume the worst, but I’ve come a long way and I know Jax is whom I have to thank for that.

  Punching the pillow at my head, I reposition trying to find a more comfortable spot, but it’s not working. I’m startled when my phone rings. Looking at the screen I’m disappointed when Jason’s name is on the screen. With a sigh, I answer. “Hello?”

  “Hi, it’s Jason.”

  “Now isn’t really a good time.”

  “Why? Because your boyfriend is there?”

  “What do you want, Jason?”

  “I want to know if you thought about me being able to see Lily. I really want this to work out.”

  “I really haven’t given it any thought since I saw you to be honest. It’s kind of been a crazy day.”

  “When are you going to figure it out?”

  “I don’t know. I told you that I need some time. You’re asking me to just put aside everything and make a fair decision for you, for me, for Lily, for other people in my life and I don’t know if I can do that. I really don’t know if I can set aside my emotions and figure this out on my own. Maybe we should take this to court, Jason. Let a court decide what your child support should be, what you owe me for these last few months and what your visitation should be. I don’t know what’s fair, I don’t know what’s right here and frankly, I wouldn’t mind someone else making the decision for me at this point.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Look, I’ve been patient, but the fact is, I can’t afford to go to court. If you try then I will disappear. I can’t afford to pay you back child support or support going forward. I have another kid and a wife to support.”

  “A wife? You’re married?”

  “Yep. Surprise! The reason I left you and the brat is because I’m married and didn’t want my wife to find out.”

  “But your apartment, the time we spent together…”

  “Yeah, not my only place. Not that it’s any of your fucking business. Between my apartment, and supporting Jill and Katie, I can’t add your kid to the mix too. Just let me help take care of the kid outside of court and we’ll call it good, okay? I’ll give you money any time I have some extra. I’m sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. No need to go to court.”

  I’m not able to answer him for a solid minute. I am so stupid. I should have known. Not surprisingly, I could care less about his wife and kid. I’m not surprised, but my love for Jax and Lily overshadow anything this asshole could do to me. I’m so over him and this whole situation. “So, that’s what this has been about the whole time? You just didn’t want me to take you to court, did you?”

  “Look when you saw me at the mall I knew I was caught and you’d probably get pissed off enough to take action. I figured we could just work this out between the two of us. Jill doesn’t need to find out anything.”

  “Unbelievable. You are a real piece of work.” I
don’t even know what else to say.

  “Yeah, sucks finding out that you were the other woman all along doesn’t it?”

  I hang up the phone. Nothing good can come from continuing this conversation and I don’t want shit from him anyway. Jax’s words from earlier were already resonating with me, but now they are beating against my mind like a drum. All this time I’ve told myself I’m doing this for Lily. I told myself working things out with Jason was the right thing to do for her, but that’s not true. I’ve been doing this for me. Because I think I have something to prove. Suddenly, a flash of my sixteenth birthday comes to mind. My mom and I are sitting in a booth at a diner when she becomes angry because she sees me looking at the family across from us. I know now that she saw longing on my face, which angered her. I remember her telling me I would never have what that family across from us had, and ever since I’ve been determined to prove her wrong. But the thing is, I already have.

  Family comes in many shapes and forms. It’s a single mom that happily gives up the things she wants or needs in order to provide that extra special something for her child. It’s the single father that’s trying to be a mother and father to his kids. It’s the parents that were never able to have children of their own and adopt a child. Family doesn’t show prejudice based on race, age or sex. Family isn’t only defined by blood; it’s defined by love. Something that Lily and I have in leaps and bounds.

  Family’s what we make it, what we want it to be. I’m done living with my mother’s jealousy of what she didn’t have, because the truth is, she didn’t want it. If she did, she would have realized that we were already a family. She wouldn’t have let anyone else’s definition stand in her way.

  Needing to call Jax to tell him that I understand, that I’m sorry, that I love him, I grab my phone and type in my password. Just as I get ready to dial, I hear Lily start crying through the baby monitor. Waiting it out for a minute, I see if she just fusses her way back to sleep, but her cry changes. It isn’t her sleepy, hungry or her I need changed cry. It’s her something is wrong cry. Hurrying to her room, I look into her crib. “What’s wrong, sweet girl?”

  She looks hot. Her cheeks are flushed and wet from her tears. Picking her up, she feels warm to the touch. Switching on a lamp, I lay her down so I can check her diaper. She’s still crying and putting her pacifier in her mouth doesn’t help. She sucks it for a minute and then starts crying again. As I work her pajamas off, I notice she’s holding one of her legs stiffly and fusses more when I bend her knee to slip her pant leg off. Curious, I look at her leg and gasp in shock and surprise when I see a huge red knot there. Touching it gently, it feels warm to the touch. Something is wrong. She’s definitely feverish and in pain and nothing I’ve read has ever talked about anything like this.

  “It’s okay, Lily, mommy’s going to make it better.” Picking her up, I wrap her in a blanket and start shoving random things into her diaper bag. Then, I grab a couple bottles out of the fridge, set her on the bed so I can throw on some clothes and shoes, then I pick her up again, grab my phone, and head out the door. After I buckle her into her seat, I get behind the wheel so I can get her to the emergency room. Tears slide down my face as her cries pick up and I start to feel panic inside my chest and my heart hurts as if her pain is also my own.

  Taking out my phone, I call Jax. I know he’s angry with me, but I pray he answers his phone. It rings once… twice… three times and I almost cry out in relief when he answers. “Hey,” he says softly and I can hear longing I also feel clear in his voice.

  “Jax?” My voice breaks on his name and I’m sure he can hear Lily crying in the background.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Something is wrong with Lily. I’m scared. We’re on our way to the hospital.”

  “I’m on my way. What’s going on?”

  “I’m not sure. She woke up crying and she has a fever and a large swollen spot on her leg. I don’t know what it is. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

  “Okay, babe, it’s going to be okay. Be calm so you can get yourself there safely.”

  “I know you’re mad at me but thank you for being here for me.”

  “I’m not mad at you, and you don’t have to thank me. People in love and in relationships are there for one another.”

  “Thank you anyway.”

  “We’ll talk later, but first, we need to find out what’s wrong with our baby.”

  With those words from him, tears pour down my face and I swipe at them quickly at a stoplight. “Yes. Let’s take care of our baby,” I whisper.

  When Rowan calls I’m at the gym beating the shit out of a punching bag pretending that it’s Jason’s face. All the guys are there too and we’re training and just hanging out. Someone even ordered pizza, which seems to defeat the purpose, but oh well. It’s nice to hang out – it’s just what I need. I’m not mad at Rowan, not really, I’m just scared. All of this is new to me. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about her and Lily. There’s a certain vulnerability to opening yourself up to feelings like this, and it’s uncomfortable and nerve-wracking. I’m not the only one responsible for the well-being of my heart anymore. Rowan and Lily both hold it completely in the palm of their hands. I’ve given it to them and hell, that’s more than a little scary.

  During moments when my father was too busy for me, insulted me, ridiculed me and treated me like an annoyance, I told myself I would never give anyone power to hurt me ever again. That resolve only hardened after my grandfather died because he always did his best to protect me. Without that buffer anymore, things became worse. So, imagine my surprise when one look from a pregnant woman changed everything.

  I’m just feeling threatened by Jason and his role in Rowan and Lily’s life. I’m selfish enough to want them for myself and his presence threatens that, and I hate it. But, what I realize is that not having them would be much worse.

  When my phone rings and I see Rowan’s face on the screen, my heart races. I’m so glad she’s called and I regret that it wasn’t me that called her first. “Hey,” I say softly, wishing I was with her right then, holding her close and kissing her lips.

  “Jax?” The sound of her voice immediately has me on alert. As she tells me what’s going on, I do my best to remain calm and to keep her calm as well. When I jump up and run to my office to get my keys, the guys all run after me knowing immediately something is wrong.

  Covering the phone with my hand, I say softly so she doesn’t hear, “It’s Lily.” That’s all I have to say and they immediately spring into action. Levi starts shutting all the lights off, Cole makes sure the equipment is shut down, Zane takes his keys out of his pocket and starts running around making sure all the doors are locked. I see Ryder take off towards the locker room and I know he’s making sure everything is shut off in there. We are all out of the gym and locking the doors in record time. I don’t even blink twice when Zane and Ryder climb in my truck with me and Cole, Dylan and Levi pile in Cole’s truck.

  Keeping Rowan on the phone the whole way to the hospital, I hear when she speaks to a nurse explaining why she’s there and when she’s called back to a room. “I’m not far, babe. You go so you can talk to them and as soon as I get there, I’ll come find you.”

  “Okay,” she says weakly before she hangs up.

  When I pull into the parking lot, I see her car and park next to it. Cole parks next to me and then we all run into the emergency room. “Go,” Zane says. “We’ll be here.”

  I nod and go through the sliding doors that lead back to the rooms. Walking up to a nurse behind a desk, I’m glad when she gives me her attention. “Hi, can you please tell me where Rowan and Lily Martin are?”

  “Yes, they’re in triage number 4. Just walk down that hallway. The numbers are next to the doors.”

  “Thanks.” I walk past the rooms until I find number four and go inside. Lily is lying on a table getting her temperature checked and vitals taken by a nurse. Rowan is next to her, t
ears on her cheeks and worry in her eyes. She turns to me and gives me a weak smile. I walk up to her and kiss her forehead, and she squeezes me around my waist. When Lily sees me she gives me a weak smile that has my chest constricting with a combination of worry and love. Even in the midst of her pain, she tries to smile. Her eyes are bloodshot from crying and heavy with exhaustion. I lean down and kiss her on the head too. Her little hand touches my face. “Hi, baby girl. You don’t feel good, huh? The doctors are going to make you all better.”

  When I get a look at her leg I clench my teeth. It’s red, swollen and has an angry looking welt on it that’s obviously the source of her pain. “She does have a slight fever. Have you given her any Tylenol already?” Rowan shakes her head no. “Okay, we’ll go ahead and give her some right away to help with her fever. I’ll be right back with that, and the doctor will be in soon, okay?”

  “Okay,” Rowan and I both say.

  Amazingly, Lily’s eyes are heavy and she starts to fall asleep while we wait. Occasionally, a little frown will come to her face and her bottom lip will stick out, but exhaustion is clearly winning out over whatever pain she’s feeling.

  I hate to ask her this but I know I need to be the bigger person here and do the right thing. “Babe, did you call Jason?”

  “What?” She looks at me blankly.

  “Did you call Jason to let him know about this? I mean, he’s wanting to be involved and I guess you should let him know.”

  “No. I’m not calling Jason.”

  “Okay…can I ask why? I’m confused. I thought you were considering involving him?”

  She sighs and rubs her eyes, “He called me earlier wanting to know if I made a decision yet regarding his involvement. I told him I hadn’t and that frankly I wasn’t sure I can set my emotions aside and make a fair one. I mean, with my emotions, yours and what’s right for Lily versus whatever he has in his head, I just don’t want the responsibility. Does that make sense?”