Horrified he threatened them both blaming them for Janice’s death. Shauna ignored all his remarks working diligently to keep the baby alive. Rubbing it’s back now that it had breathed to get the mucus out of its lung. It kept on strangling on it. It was just barely alive. It’s heart beat faintly in the tiny chest. A boy. Xzan wondered how long he would survive without his mother’s milk.
She helped clean the boy. He felt minute, helpless in her hands. Someone had boiled water and cooled it so she could bathe the child. She had never held one this teeny. Mammy had always assisted Mama with her newborns. Holding the baby made her ache for her own. How ironic. Xzan had been forced to let her milk dry up with no child to suckle and here was one with no mother to nourish it. She handed the clean bundled baby to his father. Frank looked at his son in bewilderment. He had finally calmed down enough to realize that what had happened to his wife was beyond anyone’s control. This life was his creation and now totally his responsibility. He looked at the women in confusion.
“What do I do with it? Janice was supposed to take care of it. I don’t know anything about babies.”
“Well it appears your going to learn.” Shauna piped up matter of factually. “You can do anything your wife could have done, except nurse. We’ll have to find a way for you to do that too.”
Sean found a bottle. They tied a butter cloth around the neck securing it with water inside. The infant tried to suck. Did for a moment. Then he let out an angry roar. They tried goat’s milk. Cream. Cow’s milk. Nothing they did satisfied the little boy’s hunger. In desperation Xzan tried to remember a formula her mother had concocted when the twins were nursing and she couldn’t produce enough milk to appease them both.
Milk, sugar, water, herbs, rice boiled and strained through a cheesecloth. The baby drank greedily. He burped loudly with little coercion and fell into a deep sleep that only babies can achieve. Everyone laughed in relief. The tension lifted. Making their way back to their own wagons they decided to set up camp for the night. Xzan lingered holding the baby while Frank Cavendar sat sobbing over his wife’s inanimate body. She didn’t interrupt his private moment. The men would come soon to help him bury Janice. He would have to deal with trying to make it to Sweetbriar and dealing with his newborn son’s needs.
Xzan couldn’t tear herself away from the baby. She had never gotten to hold her daughter and somehow this seemed like a form of closure. She had up until today been able to quell this need inside. Her eyes misted. Frank crying softly noticed her tears. He assumed she felt sorry for the baby who had lost its mother.
“She would have made a wonderful mother. You didn’t know her before we came west.” He choked.
“I’m sure she would have.” Xzan agreed. “What will you name him?”
“Janice wanted him named after myself and her father. We fought about that too.” Gaunt shoulders sagged defeatedly.
“Was it that bad?”
“Franklin Carver Cavendar.”
Xzan nodded approvingly. “It’s dignified. You could always call him Frankie.”
He grimaced. “I hated that name as a child. I swore I’d never saddle my son with it.”
“Well he’s your baby, Frank. I’m sure you would have liked to have made Janice happy but she won’t know the difference now. What do you want to name your son?”
“Cody,” he sniffed loudly. “Cody Cavendar.”
She looked down at the angelic baby. “Hi Cody. Happy birthday!”
She handed the infant to his father who turned deathly pale as he took the tiny creature in his giant hands.
“Don’t be afraid of him. He’s more resilient than he looks. He’s your son. He needs you. You’ll need help and we’ll all pitch in to do what we can. Right now you need to get to know each other.”
They buried Janice Cavendar as they had buried so many others along the trail the past few months saying a short prayer and their good-byes. Xzan didn’t particularly like the woman but she had felt for her. For the first time since her departure from England she thought about her own child, nearly dying in childbirth, and how far she was from those she loved. In the days that followed everyone took turns helping the new father with his offspring. Showing him how to diaper the baby and mix formula to feed him and burp him. Cody slept peacefully as long as the wagon was moving. Of course when they stopped for the night the baby woke up ready to be cared for. The exhausted father was near tears every time she saw him.
Everyone was at a breaking point. Tempers flared. People dropped like flies from illnesses. The unseasonable snow began to slow them down even further than expected. She trudged along, trying to take it one step at a time. Refusing to think about how long the days were, and cold the nights became. They would be home soon. Just the thought of that kept her going. Gave her the courage to keep moving forward. They were on the last lag of the journey.
******
“Mrs. Colby, Ma says it’s time for us to move out.”
Xzan stirred sleepily, smiling up at the boy sweetly.
“Alright”.
His admiration for her had grown by leaps and bounds the past few weeks. She was so extraordinary. She never complained even when she had a right to do so. Did more than her fair share singing as she worked in that clear soprano. Xzan took the time no matter how grueling the day had been to tell stories to the children around the campfire. Now including Cody Cavendar in that circle cradling the wee baby against her bosom as if he were her own child.
Everyone liked her. The men because she never hesitated to pitch in, even with the dirtiest work. The women because she didn’t flirt with their men. Taking on any job they needed done whether it was watering the horses, gathering kindling, or changing a nasty diaper. She treated the children with the same respect as she showed the adults. Listened with genuine interest to what they had to say. Praised them for their imagination and accomplishments no matter how insignificant they might actually be. She always had a song or a toy for them to play with made of something she picked up on the trail. A feather or twisted blade of grass.
She helped with his family’s washing, carrying heavy pails of water, chopping wood, milking the cows, brushing the horses, cooking meals, cleaning the dishes, mending the never ending pile of torn or worn out clothing. She drove the wagon with her back straight as a board when every muscle in her body must have screamed in exhaustion. Last night she had been up half the night relieving his parents bathing Lorena’s fever. Now she unresistingly opened her eyes ready to rise after only a few hours sleep. Sean handed her a cup of coffee. He always told her ‘Mama’ made it for her. They both knew it was something he did himself.
Xzan’s eyes were an unusually bright blue this morning. He’s never seen them that color before. In fact you could tell a lot about her moods from the ever-changing hues. When she was angry, hurt, scared, they turned almost purple. Especially when she gazed at the land around them. Other times they were tinged by gray or green or a vivid blue that pierced your heart. Something wasn’t right. Her face was flushed. She shivered as she sipped the hot liquid, wrapping her quilt more securely around her lithe form.
“You don’t look so good.” He observed worriedly.
She wrinkled an elegant nose wryly.
“I just woke up. I never claimed to be sleeping beauty.”
Sassy as ever he thought to himself grinning at her. Still she looked peaked. Not just tired. Originally when they had begun the trip out west she and the younger children had huddled together under the wagon too tired to care about the hard ground. It was bitterly cold now. Chilling winds had picked up. Days were as cold as the nights. Richard and Lorena slept in the wagon with their parents. Sean had been aware of her teeth chattering when she collapsed on her bedroll near dawn. He had slipped quietly beside her warming her with his body while covering her with his blankets and staying awake to make sure no one would see him. When he’d heard Mama dressing he slipped silently back into his own bedroll pretending to be asleep. Xzan had never
stirred at all.
He watched her sip the rapidly cooling coffee thirstily looking dazed and far away. She hadn’t slept long enough. Had dreamed of being in her mother’s arms warm, petted and so loved. She’d woke up yearning for her family. Xzan lectured herself sternly. She was a full-grown woman now. It was time to face her responsibilities not to feel sorry for herself. Rising dizzily she handed the metal cup back to Sean thanking him gratefully when the earth suddenly swayed under her feet. Blackness obscured her vision. She heard him calling her name in the distance as she slid to the ground.
The next time she awoke Xzan felt chilled to the bone. The pressure on her chest was so heavy she imagined being crushed. Quilt after quilt was piled on top of her. She vaguely realized she was in the wagon and it was moving. Sean was kneeling beside her worry creasing his brows. His big hand squeezed her reassuringly when he saw her eyes flutter open.
“How do you feel?”
She opened her lips to speak but her voice was raspy and her throat was swollen miserably.
“Like someone hit me with a frying pan.” she joked weakly, before succumbing once more to oblivion.
Sean replaced the wet rag on her forehead. God she was burning up. Lorena’s fever had finally broke. The little girl was lying beside Xzan sucking her thumb, staring dreamily at nothing in particular.
“I think she’s worse Mama. Hotter! Should I try to get her to drink some water?”
“Wait for awhile. Let her rest. Sometimes sleeping helps the body recover faster than any other medicine. You try to rest too. We’re going to be too exhausted by nightfall to nurse her. You’re going to have to take care of her.”
Sean stretched out obediently careful to keep as much room as possible between himself and Xzan as was decently possible in the cramped space. The intense cold and fear of losing her kept him from doing more than lightly dozing. She looked so fragile lying there. It broke his heart. In recent months he’s seen much stronger men and women surrender to the elements. She’d overworked herself. Ran on self-will for some time now. He swore that if she lived he would never allow her to work that hard again.
*****
He was there as he’d always been when she needed him. Face upwards to the sky, eyes closed. Sitting cross-legged a furry blanket wrapped around his body to stave off the winter chill. His hands were palms out relaxed on his knees. He seemed to be praying, but she couldn’t fathom the words. She came up beside him reaching out to trail her slim fingers across the wolf’s head. Tracing the coarse nose she tentatively touched it’s bared teeth sliding downward to feel the smoothness of the man’s forehead. She closed her eyes memorizing the planes of his facial flesh. His skin was hot, moist. Nose long and straight. A proud nose. His cheekbones were high and prominent. His voice was deep, melodic.
A tingling began in the tips of her fingers. The vibrations grew. She couldn’t pull away. A surge of energy as shattering as a lightening bolt threw her away from him. Stunned she lay panting at his feet incapable of movement. He opened his eyes. It was the first time she’d seen their color in all these years. Silver eyes. He never looked away, held her startled gaze penetrating inside to her very soul. Tenderly he gathered her in his arms. Laying her gently in his lap he wrapped the earthy smelling blanket around her petite frame. The heat of their bodies grew until they were on fire. She couldn’t move. Too weak to cry out her face contorted in pain. He threw his head back howling in anguish. Their bodies began to cool. He slumped forward still holding her his arms emasculated, resting his chin on top of her hair. They lay on the cold ground for an eternity. Both slept.
*****
“Mama!” Sean’s voice boomed excitedly. “Her fever broke! She’s awake!”
Shauna Fenierre smiled in relief. It had been touch and go for three days now. At times Xzan’s breathing had been so shallow they weren’t sure she would live another hour. She was happy for her son as well. He had just turned fourteen. Had grown up a lot during this journey. He was in love. Love at first sight if she was any judge of his behavior. Since he’d met the bewitching Xzan Colby aboard ship Sean had artlessly worshiped the ground she walked on. Out in the prairie where women were scarce and survival forced people to band together, a few years age difference didn’t seem that important.
Shauna just hoped that by the time Sean reached his full manhood Xzan wouldn’t still be so poisoned against the opposite sex that she would break his heart. They were already bonded by friendship. There were far worse things than to begin a relationship based on mutual respect. If she knew her son, the lady didn’t stand a fighting chance once he decided he was old enough to pursue her. Sean didn’t change when it came to someone he loved or something he wanted. If he could control himself long enough to let the poor girl do some healing inside and prove to her that he was a decent man as time passed they might have a beautiful life together. Shauna liked the idea of having Xzan as a daughter-in-law. She would make a good wife and mother. Most of all it was lonely out in the middle of nowhere. It would be nice to have the companionship of another woman nearby that she truly cared about.
Chapter Five
They had stopped early tonight. Snowfall made it impossible to travel any further. Freezing winds had become unbearable. The wagon train huddled around the campfires, quiet, bone weary, more than a bit depressed.
They weren’t making the progress they had hoped for. Winter was setting in sooner than they had anticipated. Xzan helped scrape the dinner plates clean with snow and then sang to the children, a nightly ritual that comforted the adults as well. Lorena was asleep in her arms. Sean took the small girl careful not to wake her placing her in the wagon with his parents who were settling in for the night.
Clearing snow from underneath the wagon they laid out their bedrolls. If you could stay in one spot long enough to build up heat it was bearable enough. Since her fever Sean had treated Xzan like a fragile china doll. Every time she started to lift something heavy or do anything that looked questionable, he’d been there helping her. She didn’t know whether to be grateful or offended by the innuendo that she was a weakling. She ached miserably tonight despite the help he’d given her all day long. It had been onerous for the wagons to move in the snow. Those who could walked until they were numb. Xzan’s skirts had been wet all day. Her legs were frozen. At time’s she’d had to push herself each step against the wind over snowdrifts which after awhile had began to feel like small mountains.
She lay warm in dry clothes adopting, as had the other women a pair of men’s long johns underneath her petticoats staring up at the wooden frame of the wagon above her. Sean was only a few feet away trying to make small talk. Xzan had been subdued since her illness. Not exactly unhappy or withdrawn. But rather thoughtful. Keeping more to herself than before. It bothered him. He missed her cheerful optimism. In an effort to bring her out of her shell he babbled on about anything that came to mind trying to evoke a response hoping to spark her back to life.
She wasn’t paying attention to him. Politely answered now and then. It was eerily still. The wind had stopped blowing. It was so silent you could hear the snoring of weary travelers. She wasn’t sure when she realized something was amiss. It wasn’t a distinct sound. Just a kind of sense that warned her. She shot up instantly afraid. Sean sat up alarmed banging his head on the wooden frame of the wagon.
“Ow!” he yelped. “What’s wrong?”
“Shhh!”
She put her fingers to her lips heart beating uncontrollably. Then she heard it. The sound of a bird whistling. There were no birds this time of the year. Only this morning she had commented on how much she missed the wildlife, particularly the birds’ endearing trill. Xzan was out from under the wagon in a flash. Going from wagon to wagon whispering softly. For the first time since their journey began she understood why the wagon formed a defensive circle each night.
Robert and his sons loaded their guns swiftly, as did the other men who crept out from their wagon’s silently. The women and children
hid behind anything they could find. Shauna always calm in a crises held Lorena and Richard tightly in her arms concerned only for their lives against a much bigger foe than they had encountered before. Before they saw the Indians or heard the war cries their arrows were already flying in the air. The camp was prepared. It was the most terrifying sight she’d ever seen. There were hundreds of them on horseback and foot running as fast as their legs would carry them. Her heart lurched incredulously when she saw the leader in front.
It was him! She’d thought he was only a dream. A guardian angel that came to her in times of need. There was no mistaking the wolf’s head or the face even though it had been painted with strange lines. She had to get to him without being killed in the crossfire. Somehow she knew that if he saw her they would be left alone unhurt. Acting on pure instinct before anyone could stop her she ran out from between the wagons directly towards him screaming.
“No! Stop!”
The Indians startled by the white woman’s irrational behavior momentarily ceased their attack. The wagon train just as baffled desisted in their attack. The man poised to draw another arrow reacted instantly when he saw her yelling to his brothers. At the same moment she cried out to her people. A young man with hair the color of the sun ran towards her. She shouted for him to stay back. He halted in mid-stride unsure of what course of action to take. Every step seemed like ten the snow was so perilously thick. She approached him hindered by her skirts. Panting with the exertion she blew out clouds of cold breath.
His eyes were light gray as in her dreams. She knew by the flicker of recognition that he’d seen her before too. Xzan didn’t know what to make of it or why they would meet this way. Nor did she have time to dwell on it. All she was sure of was that’s he’d saved her life too many times to take it now. With more resolve she struggled weakly to reach him. She fell unceremoniously into a snowdrift, rose with as much dignity as her shaking limbs could muster, dainty teeth chattering violently. He rode the rest of the way to meet her, swept her up effortlessly to sit in front of him on the Palomino They stared intently at each other for a full minute both at a loss for words each comprehending the significance of their dreams at long last. They were destined to meet.
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