Singing Heart

by Purcell, Darlene

  Exhausted she climbed under the covers with him and lent him her body heat needing his nearness so they could both recover. He remained unconscious for two more days. She forced water and broth down his resisting lips continuing to fight the fever and changing the poultices and bandages. She sang to him. Talked about anything and nothing as if he were awake. Tried to get inside his head disappointed when all seemed to remain blank. She wondered if he had suffered brain damage somehow. Only the steady beating of his heart reassured her that there was still life inside. Those were two of the longest days she ever spent. When she was beginning to believe he would never wake up he opened his eyes. Watched her as she squatted by the fire making rabbit stew.

  “Hmmm…smells good…”he offered weakly.

  “Gray Wolf!” she cried out happily in his language. She momentarily lost her balance and almost capsized into the burning embers in her rush to his side. She chattered non-stop visibly relieved that he was awake. He smiled patiently knowing she must have been lonely and so worried about him. He didn’t know how he had made it back to camp but he was glad she had been there to care for him.

  “How long was I asleep?”

  “I found you two days ago. I don’t know how long you lay there before then. You were gone for two days before I went searching. I kept thinking you would be back at any moment.”

  He frowned. “I told you not to go out. You disobeyed me little woman. You could have died.”

  She arched an eyebrow. “If I hadn’t we wouldn’t be having this conversation now. Don’t you dare get on to me. I would rather be dead than to have left you out there to die alone.”

  The memory of what had actually happened flooded his memories overriding his agitation that she had risked her life for his. He grimaced, “I thought I was dead.”

  He recounted the grizzly scene sparing her the more lurid details. He had been stalking a deer when out of nowhere a black Giant attacked him. He didn’t even have time to defend himself. The bear had already been injured was undoubtedly startled by his sudden appearance and felt compelled to defend itself. They both puzzled over why the Grizzly hadn’t devoured him. Decided it had either already feasted, maybe that was where it’s wound came from, or it was in too much pain.

  Jaskarra solemnly stated, “The Great Spirit has another use for me… he has protected me.”

  Despite his nonchalant attitude he was very shaken by his brush with death. Not only for himself but Singing Heart. He could move to the safety of his village but while they would be safer there from nature she would be in great danger from the people that he knew disapproved of her. It was then he began plotting to take her back to her original destination. At least there she could be around her own people. When he thought about what might have happened to her he had died it made him sick. His own people might have butchered her after torturing her first. Or a pack of wolves might have torn her shreds. He couldn’t risk that again. He would regain his strength and by the time the weather turned warm enough to put his plan into action he would tell her of his decision. For now he couldn’t even hold up his own head to eat the broth she was spooning in his mouth.

  Against his will, he suspected he had taught her a little too much about herbs, he slept again deeply filled with dreams he couldn’t control. He relived the attack over and over again only this time she was with him and he had been trying to protect her too. He awoke sweating profusely horrified when he had to watch her being mauled before his eyes as he fought helplessly against an invincible foe. It didn’t occur to him until his mind was cleared and he was strong enough to sit propped up to ask how she had gotten him home. He was humbled and proud of her sacrifice. She made light of using her cloak but undoubtedly she had suffered the intense temperatures and hurt herself pulling his weight. She was such a slight thing he was in awe that she had found the might to transport him.

  It was then that he noticed she wasn’t able to use the fingers on her left hand. She waved away his concerns. “Their all right. I’ll learn to use them again.” They both knew she wouldn’t. He took the dainty hand kissing her fingertips honoring each one sincerely.

  “You saved my life. I owe you mine.” He vowed quietly.

  She shook her head in protest. “Nonsense. I’m fine! You don’t owe me anything. I have no regrets. You have always been there for me when I needed you. That’s what we do best for each other.”

  It wasn’t as bad as he made it out to be. You’d think she had cut off her hand for him the way he carried on. It was only the tips of the last three fingertips. She could still use her hand. She was learning how to compensate for the areas that were numb. The only thing she couldn’t do again would be to play her cherished piano. But out here in the middle of nowhere he didn’t have much hope of ever doing that again anyway. No matter how much she missed her family this was her home now. She wouldn’t return to England. She had spent a lifetime being pulled by this man to this time and place and she would abide here with him till they both perished. She looked into Jaskarra’s dark eyes her heart shining in her pale features. Gently touching his hairless chin with a trembling hand tears stung her eyes.

  “I was so afraid for you. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you.”

  He sighed. She didn’t have any idea how very appealing she looked in that moment. Sitting on her knees in a dress the color of the sky her magnificent eyes glowing with love. He ached to take her in his arms. To be inside of her. To feel the supple curves of her body molded against his and hear her moan in pleasure as he brought them both to release. It wasn’t possible. Even if he had the strength to touch her that way he must put those thoughts aside. He had to take her back to her own world. He couldn’t risk planting his seed inside of her. He knew that once he had her he would never stop wanting her. Would never be able to let her go.

  He lay back exhausted and pretended to sleep. Nothing he could say would be right. If he shared his heart she would refuse to ever leave and suffer the consequences of that choice. If he rejected her without an explanation after all the time it had taken her to finally open up it would wound her even deeper than ever. He couldn’t hurt her that way either. So he took the coward’s way out. Feigning more illness than he really felt while she regained control over her emotions and withdrew to the safe distance that had always stood between them. He did feel her tiny arms around him in the night when she thought he was asleep placed carefully not to aggravate his injuries. It would be excruciating to get used to her absence. He would have trouble sleeping without her. For now he pretended to snore lightly enjoying the simple pleasure of feeling her softness warming his back.

  ******

  Oblivious to his decisions for her future spring brought more miracles that made Xzan’s heart swell with joy. A tiny little brown bird had built a nest beside the teepee in of all places her empty copper tub. She didn’t have the heart to move it and possibly unbalance the little creature’s ability to lay its eggs so she forfeited her property temporarily deigning to wash in a basin of water using a sponge. The precious little creature laid first one egg a white oval with brown spots and then one more daily until there were five altogether. It would fly away startled every time Xzan opened the flap of the teepee but as soon as she closed it again she could hear the rustling of wings as the tiny mother returned her to roost.

  There were so many babies being born all around her. Xzan longed to hold a babe of her own in her arms. A dark headed baby with gray eyes and tawny colored skin. She had no desire to ever lay with anyone but Jaskarra. She wanted to be his wife. For them to be one in every sense of the word. She couldn’t imagine life without him. She loved the world he had brought her into. Had adapted herself so totally she no longer even spoke in her own native tongue. The only thing she missed about the white world was her coffee. But that was a small price to pay for the immense happiness she had discovered in his world. It was warm enough to venture out one morning and they decided to catch fish now that the stream was unfrozen. She pr
omised to make his favorite corn cakes with them for their breakfast.

  The water was bone chillingly cold still but the fish swam in new abundance and their mouths watered hungrily as the smell of the cooking food permeated the early morning air. She caught Jaskarra’s eye as he sat nearby on a rock staring out into the hills. They were below the canyons and the wind whistled mysteriously through the crevices surrounding them. It had become a musical sound to her ears. The sound of home. Of life being reborn.

  Xzan was in love with the man, nature and God for bringing her here. That love radiated to him. Jaskarra felt her eyes watching him and turned smiling peacefully sharing the feeling for a brief moment before shuttering his soul against her gaze again. She had seen his heart. Xzan didn’t understand why he was hiding from her. Ever since the attack he had been moody and withdrawn. He didn’t push her away exactly. He just didn’t reach out anymore. She missed his affectionate touch. His laughter. He was too subdued. The more he closed up the deeper she dug to get to his heart. Now she rose after taking the pan off the fire. Gracefully stretching before joining him on the rock. Plopping down girlishly she grinned invitingly.

  “Want to do something different today? Something we’ve never done together?”

  He cocked an interested eyebrow. “Like what?”

  “This.”

  She slid off her perch and stood in front of him slowly undoing the tiny pearl buttons that held her bodice together exposing milky white orbs that longed to be caressed. He watched mesmerized by her sweet offering licking his lips, which were suddenly dry. Xzan exposed her slender shoulders and let her dress slide downward till she stood in front of him totally exposed. She was exquisite. With tiny bones and creamy pale skin, a miniscule waist and curvaceous hips, large perfectly rounded breast with dainty pink nipples. He had never seen a woman as perfectly formed or as beautiful. He was instantly erect. Throbbed in need. He expelled a sharp breath and despite himself pulled her into the crook of his arm crushing her passionately as his lips bruised hers hungrily. His ardor excited instead of frightening her. She matched his need. Met his lips and responded to his caresses with an exploration of her own.

  Common sense flew out the door as he lifted her in his arms and carried her the short distance to a flat grassy knoll that would cushion their bodies as they joined. He couldn’t deny his lust or his love for this woman any longer. She had pushed him too far. He pulled aside the leggings he still wore to fight the early morning chill and plunged inside of her. She was wet. Ready for him. Gasped at the unexpected thrust. He had forgotten this was new to her. But he couldn’t stop now. He rode her hard grunting and moaning simultaneously. Frenzied with need his hard shaft ultra sensitive to her every movement.

  She was so small. Fit around him so tightly it almost hurt. Slick with desire. She was so smooth inside. He could feel her emotions soar as high as the clouds in the sky. Her love was boundless. Then he felt another emotion. Longing. So intensely it startled him. For something he couldn’t fathom. He groaned in ecstasy as he neared his climax. She was moaning too moving her hips in circular motions beneath him driving him over the edge. They both cried out at the same moment as they reached the highest summit together.

  He was furious with himself. Rolling away from her in self-loathing he cursed his own stupidity. What had he done? He held his head in his heads. His dark hair fell across his chiseled features. Xzan lifted a puzzled hand to pull the dark curtain back.

  “What’s wrong? Please tell me Jaskarra. You’ve been standoffish ever since you got injured. Am I that repulsive to you?”

  He looked at her incredulously. “Repulsive? Are you crazy Singing Heart? You’re the most desirable woman in the world. I could have you again right now!”

  She looked distinctly pleased by that declaration. Sat closer winding her slim arms around his huge back. “If it isn’t me… then what is it?”

  He sighed defeatedly. The season for truth had begun. He pulled her into his lap meeting her worried gaze honestly.

  “I didn’t want to tell you until it was time. I knew it would be painful for us both.”

  “What?”

  She was suddenly afraid, had that trapped look in her eyes he had seen in his dreams many times before. He tightened his hold on her knowing she would be upset.

  “You aren’t safe here. You have to go. Back to your own people. I realized how dangerous it really is for you when I almost died. I always knew it could be risky but in my heart I believed I would be here to protect you. I know now that isn’t true. So…while I still…can save you… I’m taking you to that town you were going to go to before I brought you here.”

  She pounded his chest one hard punch uncaring if she hurt his wounds, tears rolling unheeded down her cheeks as she fought his words. “No! I won’t go! I don’t care if I die! I don’t want to live without you!”

  He knew she meant it. He loved her too. Enough to want her to live without him. He knew that what he had just done might have planted an unwanted seed in her belly and he couldn’t risk repeating it. Already his desire throbbed against her bottom. She felt his arousal and shifted hopefully. He grimaced in imaginary pain.

  “Don’t! We can’t do that. I’m sorry I touched you that way. We can’t take a chance that you have an Indian baby. You would be shunned by your society. The child would never be accepted by either world. My people hate the whites as much as the whites hate them.”

  “Why do we have to be with either of them? Why can’t we just stay here together Jaskarra? We don’t need anyone else except each other.”

  He shook his head sadly. Wishing he could do exactly that. But he knew it was futile to wish for the moon. There were times in your life you had to do what was right even if it hurt. He knew that it would be even harder than ever to let her go now. She didn’t want to leave. He had felt her soul mingle with his own in the throes of love. He would be empty without her.

  ******

  She had fought with him for a week but he stubbornly held out. He grasped her every moment like a precious doll. Kissing, caressing, doing everything except taking her again the way he had that day. She begged him to make her his wife. Longed to be pregnant with his child. Cried a river of tears. In the end he escorted her like a stranger to the edge of Angel City and left her bereft as he galloped off. He rode away as if the devil were on his heels refusing to look back. She had no choice now except to find a bank, acquire suitable lodgings and a livery stable for her horse and wagon.

  Despite her long vigil with Jaskarra in the middle of nowhere it wasn’t as hard as she thought it might be to adapt to her old way of life. Within a few hours she was situated in a lady’s boarding house and two strapping youths were unloading her wagon, bringing her possessions to her room. She had sold the horse and wagon having no need for them as long as she remained in the city. It felt peculiar to sleep in a real bed that night. She missed him so much. It was odd how she had adapted to his world so completely that her own felt foreign.

  Living in the boarding house was unlike anything she had ever known. Xzan was fascinated and at the same time leery of the gossiping ladies who shared space in the small two-story house. Bitsy Beasley was the proprietress. The first person Xzan had ever met who made her feel large in comparison. Half a foot under five-foot tall and slender to the point of emaciation she was a character one would never forget. Her white hair was neatly coiffed in an austere bun at the nape of her neck. She always dressed demurely in a gray or black dress with a severe neckline and sleeves. To soften her sharp appearance she wore dainty pearl ear studs and a matching necklace that her late husband whom she obviously still adored had given her on their tenth anniversary.

  Lively eyes so dark they appeared black peered knowingly through round silver spectacles, which perched precariously on an aquiline nose. She wasn’t anybody’s fool. Seemed to know exactly what everyone was doing before they even thought to do it. She had a nervous habit of sniffing when she got upset or excited. She wasn’t a
mean person but rather strict about the rules she expected her tenants to follow. She also had a heart of gold when they needed her help. She was honest to a fault. A quality Xzan found most endearing because it was so easy to trust a person like that. You always knew exactly where you stood with her on any subject. And if you were honest in return she respected you for it no matter how damaging that might be to your reputation.

  She had given Xzan the third degree before she was allowed to move in. Bitsy didn’t want any loose women in her establishment. Or criminal types. She wanted to know where she was from, how she expected to pay for her room and board and her plans for the future. Having learned through the years to stick as close to the truth as possible and never to embellish Xzan played the part of the bereaved widow to the hilt. Being so young the elderly woman was immediately sympathetic having only lost “George” her late husband after forty-two years of marital bliss only five years before.

  That the lady still grieved was obvious. She imagined her young tenant felt the same heartache as herself. Xzan reassured her there was no reason to worry about the money for rent. She handed her two months in advance and a note from the bank verifying her funds in an amount that shocked the older woman. With those kind of funds she didn’t understand why the young widow didn’t head east and live in a more industrial area where she could acquire the finer things in life. Xzan had no intention of leaving until the summer had set in. She didn’t have any real plans as yet. She just needed some time to heal. Satisfied that all was well Mrs. Beasley introduced her new boarder to the rest of the ladies who resided there.