Singing Heart
Page 29
She had refused to allow her heart to acknowledge him since the day she left. Jr. grew more like his father every day forcing her to remember Sean. He even walked with the same gait. His eyes had that incredible yellowish hue when he stared thoughtfully lost in his own world the way Sean had as a little boy.
He was also large in stature. Becky was going to be big too albeit a more feminine version of her brother. Her hair had darkened to a reddish brown and her eyes were a clear blue-green that turned like her mother’s shades of purple at the oddest moments. They looked like siblings. However Junior appeared at least a year older because of his size.
Xzan wondered what Sean would have thought about his son and daughter. She had never felt guilty for not telling him about them. Until her son began asking about his other parent. Wanting to understand why he didn’t have a father like his cousins did.
Xzan didn’t want to lie to her son. Taking the two-year-old on her lap she simply explained that she and his father hadn’t been able to live together. She had left before she knew she was going to have a baby. Then she began talking to him about his father. The good things that she had loved about the man. She omitted the things that had later forced her to leave.
“Am I like…him…Mama?” he asked curiously.
“You have his eyes…the color of his hair…the shape of his nose,” she tweaked the protrusion teasingly. “You walk like he does. You’re quiet when you start thinking…kind of in your own world. He had that habit when he was a little boy too.”
He gazed introspectively leaning back as she rocked him gently digesting it all. He seemed satisfied with her answers. Didn’t ask again. He was still a baby. Undoubtedly there would be more in depth questions as he grew older seeking his own identity.
Jaskarra’s death and the sense of loss that left her feeling so empty combined with the memories of another love that was unrequited had an amazing affect. Xzan finally felt the heartache. It cut through her soul like a knife. But Sean had died the day she left him. There was no going back. It was too late for recriminations. Whatever had changed him wasn’t going to make itself better. Like his Uncle Jeb he had only grown progressively more abusive. She had already lost one child because of insanity she would never risk the two she loved so dearly now.
What Brett had done was unforgivable. She had loved and trusted Sean because he proved in the beginning he wasn’t like Brett. There was no excuse for the way he had treated her. Especially the rape that would haunt her rest of her life. She would have been stupid to have stayed letting him hurt her even worse. He was mammoth enough just one blow could have killed her if he’d ever lost control completely. As it was she would never understand how he could have hurt her the way he had. That pain was as real now as it had been then. As was the love that she’d felt and the shattering heartache that permeated her soul as she allowed those feelings to wash over her.
Later Xzan had carried her sleeping son to his bed. Becky was already deep in her dreams. Angelic in repose. Xzan sometimes wondered if she were dreaming about a little Indian brave somewhere across the world. She’d kissed both children tucking in the covers they would indubitably kick off during the night hoping to keep them as warm as possible. The cold had just begun making itself known as fall danced into winter. The trees were almost barren. It had begun lightly snowing that evening. Tonight the world was a white wonderland as she thought about that conversation with her young son.
How silent the house always grew without the sounds of childish laughter. She wondered if Sean were sitting alone in the utter stillness too. Feeling as lonely as she was. She was restless for new faces and places. But the responsibility of caring for her small clan forced her to remain here. This routine was their security. Stoking the fire she pulled her faded black shawl more securely around her. Warding off the chill. The clock Mama had given her ticked hypnotically on the mantle lulling her into slumber. Thinking she would just close her eyes for a short nap and wake to eat a snack or perhaps read a book she allowed herself to drift.
A sharp rapping startled her awake. Heart hammering in alarm she glanced at the clock to realize it was very late groggily wondering who in the world could be at the door. She ran on trembling legs to the front door apprehensive that something terrible had happened to one of her babies. Xzan’s mouth dropped open. She turned as white as a sheet leaning heavily against the wall. The winter wind benumbed her and she shivered violently. Her guest shook the snow off of his hat and coat entering without an invitation. She stood riveted to the spot in disbelief. He arched an eyebrow enquiringly.
“Well are you going to stand there and catch pneumonia or offer a weary traveler whose half frozen a drink to warm his bones?”
“Robert!” she flung herself into his arms. He laughed hugging her close. “I knew you loved surprises.”
She hurried him in to the parlor urging him to warm by himself by the fire as she rushed to see about some coffee. Even though England was famous for it’s tea she had never cultivated a taste for it since the first time she’d tasted her cherished coffee. She knew Robert loved the dark brew as dearly as she did. She beamed as she presented him with a steaming mug laced heavily with cream and sugar a few moments later. He was seated on the edge of the armchair closest to the hearth still rubbing his hands together trying to warm up.
He hadn’t changed a bit. Except for his clothing. He was dressed as impressively as any of the finest gentlemen in London. She had a hundred questions. “How long have you been here? Where are you staying? How did you find me? Why have you come?”
He grinned good-naturedly raking a sun-weathered hand through unruly locks. Whoever had cut his thick main recently had done an excellent job. He wasn’t butchered for once. However nothing could tame his frizzy curls.
“In a minute. How are you? You’re so thin! Are you ill?”
“I’m fine. Just tired. It’s England. There’s more rain than sun. Everyone is pale here as you’ve probably noticed.”
“Well,” he started satisfied that she was well “its kind of complicated. Kerrie and I got married. We have an eighteen-month-old son George who is named after both of our maternal grandfathers.”
Xzan cooed happily. “I’m so proud for you. How is Kerrie? Did she get better?” referring her friend’s speechlessness.
He nodded grinning. “Shoot…once she opened up she’s never shushed again. Didn’t know anyone had so much to chatter about. She’s wonderful. She put on a few pounds when she had the baby. She complains of being fat. I think she looks great.”
“Is she with you?”
He nodded affirmatively. “We sold the farm. Had to in order to get money for passage here. We have a modest place on the other side of London.”
Sold the farm? Why had they come to London? None of them were from this area. Sean’s family had been Irish immigrants who settled in New York before they traveled west. She waited impatiently for Robert to explain. He looked agitated.
“Well aren’t you going to ask about your husband?” he finally blurted out miserably.
She masked her feelings. Her face grew somber. Coolly she replied. “So how is Sean?”
Robert shook his head dismally. “He isn’t doing well. He’s the reason we came to England.”
Xzan’s first thought was that he had come to England to protest the divorce. An inner voice warned her to choose her words wisely. Softly she queried.
“What’s wrong with him?”
Robert was taking off his boots. His feet were frozen. He had lost the feeling in his toes and decided to thaw them by the fire.
“Hope you don’t mind,” he apologized. She shook her head anxious for answers.
He hesitated. Unable to look her in the eye.
“Do you still love him?”
Xzan paled considerably. She didn’t respond. It was too private. Confusing. She didn’t know herself how she felt after all these years. There was a mixture of emotions. Robert laid a hand on her arms comfortingly.
She didn’t enlighten him to the truth.
He continued. “He got worse. Every day. I thought he’d lost his mind… like Pa. He drank heavily…had blackouts and fierce headaches that got more painful in time. Dr. Merrylynde died a few years ago and this younger doctor from Boston took over his practice. Sean went to see him for some medicine to ease the pain. Dr. Micklin was the one that told us he was ill...needed an operation…to relieve the pressure on his brain. That’s what caused him to be violent. Act out of character. To forget things. But the only place he could have that surgery is here. There’s a doctor that has had great success with his patients.”
Xzan felt dizzy. Sick to her stomach. Her voice came from far away. She swayed clutching the mantle for support.
She licked dry lips. “Has he had the operation yet?”
He shook his head. “Not yet. The medicine makes him sleep most of the time. Since you left we sold the farm and made the trip out here he’s been like a dead man. He doesn’t care if he lives or dies. The only reason he agreed to come at all was because the letter came from your legal advisers and he found out you were alive, living in this area.”
Robert sipped on his coffee wiggling his bare toes near the blazing fire. He was beginning to get warmer and had stopped shaking with the cold. “He was devastated that you wanted a divorce. Decided then and there he’d come to England and have the operation so he could find you and try to win you back.”
She knew there was more. She felt faint with the shock of it all.
Robert frowned. “The only problem is that when we got here he lost his nerve. Saw how fancy everything was. Realized he would never have anything to offer you except himself. He refused to have the operation…went to bed…has stayed there sleeping the past month… literally willing himself to die. He barely eats…has lost so much weight.” Robert’s voice trailed off desolately.
She burst into tears. He let her cry keeping his distance. Waiting. Hoping he hadn’t misjudged her.
“Where is he? Is it too late to see him tonight?”
Robert beamed. “It’s cold outside…an hour away.”
She didn’t even hesitate. Ran all over the house gathering up the things she would need. Xzan wrote a note to her brother asking him to take the children back to her parent’s house promising that she would explain later. She told him not to worry if she were gone a few days. Bundled up in numerous petticoats wearing her warmest green velvet dress, a fur lined cape with a matching muffler and gloves she was tying on her bonnet when Robert cleared his throat to get her attention.
“What is it?”
He had seen the toys lying around and one of Becky’s tiny mittens.
“It ain’t none of my business…I’m dying to know.”
He pointed to the telltale signs of children living in the house. She hesitated then decided she could trust him.
“Twins. A boy and a girl. They’re two and a half years old. They’re at my parent’s house tonight visiting my brother’s family. I would prefer we didn’t mention them to Sean yet.”
Robert grinned knowingly. “I agree. I don’t think he’ll get over the shock of seeing you for awhile. It might be too much if he knew he had babies too.”
He eyed her teeny figure. “Twins huh?” teasingly.
She told him all about the children as they rode. She had insisted on taking the carriage which was warmer and much more comfortable than riding the horses and being completely exposed to the elements. The time passed quickly they both had so much to catch up on. Before she knew it they were pulling up in front of a small house about the same size as hers. It was dark inside. As if the dwellers had gone to bed. But she heard Kerrie crooning a lullaby as Robert opened the ponderous front door.
She had put on more than a few pounds but it really did look good on her. Xzan rushed to embrace her and the little boy who was the splitting image of Robert with a tiny shock of red hair. Kerrie smiled serenely once the greetings were over settled back into her rocker sighing contentedly.
“I knew you’d come.”
They shed their extra clothing, warming themselves by the grate before Xzan asked to be directed to her husband. Robert led her to a small chamber in the back of the house. A fire glowed warmly in the hearth. She barely recognized the gaunt form snoring loudly in the bed. His feet hung over the mattress sticking out of the covers. He looked so old laying there. Wasted away. His hair was dull and lifeless and he had a grayish pallor. It was obvious his was an unnatural sleep either alcohol or drug induced.
“Sean…” Robert called softly.
Sean didn’t stir. His cousin came closer nudging his arm gently saying his name louder. Still he didn’t respond. Xzan thought maybe she’d have more luck. She sent her cousin-in-law out of the room. Striding determinedly to the bed imitating Shauna’s firm voice she demanded.
“Sean Aaron Fenierre…wake up this instant!”
His eyes shot open in confusion. “Mama?”
He knew he must be dreaming. The vision that greeted him was too heavenly to be real. He blinked hard rubbing his eyelids and swallowing convulsively.
“Xzan?”
“Scoot over. It’s cold out here.” she ordered bossily.
He did as he was told making room for her to sit on the bed beside him pulling the comforter around her feet.
“Am I dead?” he mused to no one in particular.
She pinched him. “Does that feel dead?”
“Ouch!”
She giggled laying a cold foot on his side. He jumped yelping in misery.
“Does that answer your question?”
He reached out weakly to take her tiny feet into his bony hands.
“You’re frozen.”
“I braved the freezing wind and blinding snow just to come see you.” she teased.
“Robert brought you here?”
She nodded. “He figured someone needed to talk some sense into you.”
His mouth was grim.
“He wasted his time.”
Xzan’s heart turned over sympathetically. He was apathetic. She could understand his cousin’s concern. Sean had always been a fighter. This just wasn’t like him. She decided the best way to get him to fight for his life was to bring out the sparks in him.
“Maybe he did. You’re half dead already. If you don’t care about yourself why should anyone else care? Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered.”
She started to rise as if to leave praying he would call her bluff. Relieved when he reached out with feeble hands appealingly.
“Please don’t go. There’s so much I want to tell you.”
She settled back down. Staring at him expectantly. It was a start. They talked until dawn. She noticed his speech slurred at times. Wondered if it was from the medication he took or was part of his illness. Robert had explained the risks involved in the operation that needed to be performed. It wasn’t guaranteed and it could be fatal or even worse cause permanent brain damage if something went wrong.
She was exhausted. At length they were both too tired to say another word. They had talked about the past in detail and at long last she had heard his apology. How sorry he was for hurting her. He hadn’t asked for the future. He did agree to have the surgery if she would be there with him. She crept out of his room under protest as the sun rose breathtakingly over the horizon heralding a new beginning. Finding an afghan on Kerrie’s rocker she reclined on their sofa and fell into a deep sleep instantly despite the turmoil raging inside.
*****
Kerrie was peering at her anxiously when she awoke a few hours later.
“Do I take this to mean you were unsuccessful?”
Xzan smiled sleepily.
“Quite the contrary. He’s agreed
to do whatever it takes to get well. Do you by some miracle have coffee?”
She was handed a steaming cup momentarily. Kerrie and Robert beamed in relief as she explained the plans she and Sean had discussed.
“He’s doing this as soon as it can be arranged. What he doesn’t know is that I am going to take him to my house to recover. I’ll have to make some preparations but that won’t take long.”
She had to talk to her parents and explain the situation. See if they would take care of the babies while Sean recovered. She had no intention of springing twins on him until he was well and they had time to figure out the future. She couldn’t think that far ahead yet. She had no idea how he would pull through the surgery or how long it would take for him to recover. She couldn’t even think about whether or not they should try to pick up the pieces and start over again. They had both been through a lot of changes in the past few years. At this point they were familiar strangers. She didn’t know how he would react when he found out he had two toddlers. He had missed out on so much of their lives. He might not be able to handle the responsibility of being a father. She didn’t want her children’s hearts broken either if he didn’t want them.
All she was sure of at the moment was that he was knocking on deaths door and he needed a lot of care. She wanted to give it to him. She had to safeguard all the rest who were involved. She wanted her parents to come visit him and get to know the man for themselves. Maybe they could help her make the right choices. She knew how much they loved her. She valued their opinions. Trusted them. They would have input that no one else could give her.
She stayed another night. Spent the day catching up with her old friends and the gossip as she nursed her husband. She drifted in and out of Sean’s room encouraging him to eat, tempting him with delectable morsels she prepared solely for him. Dealt with the depression he couldn’t shake despite the apparent joy he felt in seeing her. He was so ill. She was alarmed by his skeletal appearance. His cheekbones were sunk in. Hazel eyes were a dull gray. It was hard to believe this sickly man had once been robust, as strong as an ox. It was all he could do to lift the spoon and feed himself. The medicine made him too drowsy to function, but he refused to stop using it declaring it was the only pain relief he had and it kept him subdued so he wasn’t given to uncontrolled outburst.