The Closer You Get

by Mary Torjussen

  I closed my eyes. What an absolute bitch I was. In that moment I hoped that Harry was in bed with Ruby. I hoped he was having a good time and wasn’t giving me a second thought. I felt grubby and tawdry and just like the most antifeminist person I could imagine. I was in another woman’s house and in her bed with her husband. I hadn’t thought I could sink so low.

  I needed to get out, to go back home. I cringed as I realized I’d be leaving Ruby’s house where I’d betrayed her so absolutely, to go back to Harry’s where I’d done the same thing to him. I felt ashamed of myself.

  The last thing I wanted to do was to talk to Tom, so inch by inch I slid silently out of the bed. I was naked and couldn’t see any of my clothes in that room. I made sure I didn’t open the door any farther—I didn’t want the light to waken Tom—and found my underwear on the landing floor. Quickly I scrambled into it.

  Down in the living room the lamps were still lit and two wineglasses stood on the coffee table, one half-full, the other empty. I looked away, disgusted. My dress lay crumpled on the sofa, just where Tom had removed it, and I put it on, trying to ignore the scratches on my back and the soft, tender bruises that were starting to bloom on my wrists and thighs. My shoes were just where I’d left them; I’d kicked them off before I curled up on his sofa.

  I swallowed. Their sofa.

  When I was dressed, I grabbed my bag and put my jacket on. The night was still warm but my body felt chilled to the bone. My car keys were next to my handbag on the table in the hall; when I put them there the night before, I thought I’d be staying for only a few minutes. I picked them up without making a sound, then let myself out of the house, closing the door quietly behind me.

  I crept down the driveway, glad that there was no automatic lighting that would have exposed me. The night was still, the sky the darkest blue. Nobody was around. All the lights in the houses nearby were off, the cars safely parked in their driveways. It was as though I was the only person awake.

  My car was parked on the road next to their house. I left my lights off when I started the engine and only put them on when I drove around the corner and onto the main road.

  The car was cold and I rubbed my arms to warm up. As I did so I realized I’d left something behind. Harry had given me a heavy silver bracelet for my last birthday and I’d been wearing it the day before. For a second I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go back into the house to ask for it back, yet Harry would notice if it was missing. Then I shrugged and carried on driving. I knew Tom would see it, would hide it from Ruby. I’d tell Harry I’d lost it. I’d feign innocence. Shock, even.

  I drove in silence, not wanting to hear music that would make me think of this night again. When I drew up at my house half an hour later, I breathed a sigh of relief to see Harry’s car wasn’t there. Of course it wouldn’t be; it would be at the airport, left happily there while he went off to have fun with Ruby.

  My stomach was clenched so tightly I had to squeeze my arms around myself. What a mess.

  Even though I knew he wasn’t there, I still tiptoed into our house and furtively checked each room was empty before I could relax. Then I ran a deep, scented bath and while I waited for it to fill, I scrubbed my teeth again and again to get rid of the smell and taste of wine. The taste of Tom. I closed my eyes and vowed I wouldn’t drink again. I couldn’t be trusted.

  I lay for nearly an hour in that bath and felt just as bad when I got out as I had when I got in. Harry had broken his promises to me by sleeping with Ruby. I’d felt released from my own promises to him, then, but still my head thumped at the knowledge I’d broken my own moral code by sleeping with another woman’s husband. Each time I remembered Tom kissing me, touching me, I recalled the look on Harry’s face as he kissed Ruby.

  In bed I clutched my phone, wanting to talk to Harry, to ask him how we got to this place. I started to type a message: I wish we could go back to the way we were but I thought of him reading it with Ruby by his side and I just couldn’t do it. Tears blurred my vision and I deleted the message and switched the phone off.

  By the time I fell asleep it was nearly seven and sunlight flooded the room. I slept until noon, then woke, my mouth dry and my head aching. There was a message from Harry on my phone, apologizing for not picking up my call the evening before. He said he’d been just about to board and couldn’t talk. I switched off my phone. My eyes focused on our wedding photo on the bedside table. Harry stood behind me, his arms around my waist. I leaned back against him, my eyes glazed with happiness and desire.

  I could hardly recognize us now.

  CHAPTER 27

  Eighteen months earlier

  Ruby

  I could hardly wait to go back to work after New Year’s, after meeting Harry the week before. Tom was waiting for me when I came home on Friday night. He was still on his Christmas break. He had a glass of wine in his hand and I could tell from his flushed face that he’d started early that day. It was a bitterly cold day and I ran from my car up to the house, slipping on the icy patches on the driveway.

  “Hi,” he said, as though he hadn’t been ignoring me for several days. “How’s work?”

  “Fine.” I stamped my boots on the doormat, then sat on the stairs to take them off.

  “Where are you working now?” he asked, as friendly as you like.

  “Sheridan’s,” I said. “On the industrial estate. They sell healthy snacks and send them out by post.”

  Within five seconds Tom was on his phone, looking them up. “Who’re you working for?”

  “Harry Sheridan. The MD. I’m working with a woman called Sarah. We both work for him.” There was always safety in a female companion. I didn’t tell him that I hadn’t met Sarah yet because she was on holiday that week, or that Harry and I had spent most of the last two days chatting rather than working.

  “What’s he like?”

  I shrugged. “All right. Older than us.” I was so used to holding back what I thought, of having an impassive face, that the lie was easy. “I didn’t see that much of him. Sarah was showing me how to use their computer system.”

  He seemed mollified. “Have a drink,” he said, and poured me a glass of wine. The bottle was empty now and he went to fetch another. I glanced at the clock. It was barely six. “I thought we’d get a takeaway tonight. What do you fancy?”

  I knew his game. He was going to act as though nothing had happened and if I referred to it later, I’d be in the wrong. So I stood in the doorway and stared at him, silent. He realized what was going on then, of course. I could see his feelings flitter across his face, first fear, then anger, then regret.

  He walked over to me and touched my cheek with his hand. I flinched.

  “I’m sorry, Ruby.”

  He leaned forward to kiss me. I tried to move back but I was up against the wall by then and couldn’t. I started to panic and shoved him away.

  He followed me upstairs and in the bedroom he shut the door behind him, but kept his distance. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I lost my temper and said things I shouldn’t have said. You know I never want to hurt you.”

  Part of me wanted to run a mile from him and the rest wanted to believe what he said. I didn’t want to think I was married to a man who could be cruel. So I just said, “If you say that sort of thing to me again, it’s over,” and he agreed, his head bowed, then he went downstairs to order a takeaway from my favorite restaurant, though he didn’t like the food there much himself. And for the next few months he was back to his old self: friendly, interesting, happy to see me.

  Living with Tom was like walking on eggshells. I lived in constant dread that something would set him off and had to quickly learn how to conceal my opinions. To silence my voice. He could go for ages being completely normal. He’d be friendly, funny, talkative, and kind. And then he’d switch. I’d feel the change coming, like the drop in air pressure just before a storm
. Instantly I’d be wary, on guard, and kicking myself for relaxing.

  When the New Year was upon us and it was time to go back to work, I made sure I complained, said I wished the holiday was longer, that I didn’t want to go to work in a boring office. Tom accepted it to the point where he snapped at me to stop complaining. But in my car on that first day back at work, I had to breathe deeply to control my excitement at the thought of seeing Harry again.

  He felt the same. I saw it in his eyes that morning, in the way he greeted me. He changed as soon as Sarah appeared, becoming professional and businesslike. It was as though he’d shown me his true self, the one he kept hidden from others. She seemed okay, but was a bit withdrawn at first. From something Harry had said, I thought she’d wanted my job; it would have been a promotion for her. I kept quiet and focused on my work, but as soon as she’d gone home, midafternoon, Harry would find an excuse to come into my office to chat.

  * * *

  • • •

  It was more than two months before he kissed me and for every moment of that time I was aware of him. At times I felt myself relaxing too much, and I had to remind myself that he was my boss, that we were both married.

  Since we met, Harry and I had been careful to never touch each other. We’d shaken hands on first meeting and then of course there’d been that moment in the lift when we’d both reached out for the ground floor button and felt the spark. We hadn’t admitted to that for a long time. Since then we had been watchful and had made sure we were never physically close. At night I’d lie in bed while Tom slept and think about that, about whether Harry was deliberately avoiding touching me. It seemed pretty clear at times that he made sure he wasn’t too close to me. I was glad, because I wasn’t sure how I’d respond, but sometimes I’d wonder whether it meant he didn’t really like me. And then I’d think maybe he just didn’t want a lawsuit, and I’d smile at the thought of myself ever complaining about him, and I’d be able to sleep.

  One Tuesday afternoon in early March, Harry came into my office.

  “I’ve just had a call from Paul Heaton,” he said. Paul was the chief buyer for a major supermarket chain and Harry was hoping to break into retail rather than relying solely on online sales. “I was supposed to be seeing them on Thursday but they’ve asked if I can go tomorrow instead.”

  I winced. “You set aside tomorrow to work on that, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah. The guy just can’t make it on Thursday now. His wife’s got a last-minute hospital appointment and he needs to be with her. There isn’t another day that we’re both free for a few weeks. I said I’d do it, but it’ll mean a late night here.”

  “Want me to stay and help? Tom’s away in Berlin at a conference, so I can stay late.”

  He gave me a relieved smile. “That would be fantastic. Thanks so much.”

  I took my bag to the restroom and sent Tom a message.

  Going to see a film and go for pizza with some of the women from work tonight. I’ll call you when I get in. Hope your trip’s going well x

  I didn’t get a reply.

  We worked hard for the next few hours gathering together all of the information that Paul Heaton needed and putting it into a presentation. At eight thirty Harry leaned back in his chair. “I think we’re done now. That was quicker than I expected, thanks to you.”

  I smiled and stood up to fetch my coat and bag from the cupboard. “I’m glad you got it all sorted. It’ll be a big deal if they take you on.”

  “Wish me luck.” He smiled at me and my knees weakened. He must have known that that smile would just undo me.

  “Fancy getting something to eat?” he said. “You must be starving.”

  I shook my head. “Better not.” He knew exactly what I meant.

  We left the office together and went down in the lift. The building was empty and quiet. We said nothing, just stared ahead, but the tension between us was almost overwhelming.

  Harry walked me over to my car at the far side of the car park. We hadn’t said a word since leaving my office. I fumbled for my car keys and pressed the button on the fob. The lights flashed on. I turned to him to say good-bye.

  There was a moment’s pause when things could have gone either way. Gently he reached out and touched my face. Our eyes met. His thumb brushed across my mouth and I started to tremble. Tentatively I reached out to stroke his hair and then he kissed me.

  CHAPTER 28

  Ruby

  Those two nights in Paris were bliss. I felt like a teenager again: full of lust and love and hope for the future.

  Harry had offered to give me a lift to the airport, but I’d refused. I didn’t want him to drive me back to my house afterward, either, for Tom to come out and see me saying good-bye. I wanted to keep that weekend to myself as something to cherish. It had taken a lot of persuasion and outright lies to get him to agree to my going on the trip. I’d told him there were other women going and that I’d be with them all the time. But then Tom insisted on taking me, saying I’d never find my car again if I left it in a multistory car park at the airport. He was probably right about that. At the terminal he kissed me good-bye as though he loved me. I guess he thought someone from work might see us; he’d always put on a good act in public. He told me he’d call me over the weekend; Harry and I had had contingency plans to deal with that.

  As soon as I got out of the car, I didn’t give him a second thought. I know that’s wrong, but by that point I’d mentally separated from him. I knew I’d leave him one day; it was inevitable now. But still, even then, I wasn’t dreaming about leaving to be with Harry. I just needed to get out of my marriage.

  Harry was so excited to see me. You would have thought we’d been apart for days rather than two or three hours. He was late, of course, so we hurried toward the check-in as soon as he arrived. A few people were ahead of us in the queue. I pulled out my passport and Harry took it from me to look at my photo.

  “You don’t look very happy there.” He grinned at me to take the sting out of his words. “I know they say you mustn’t smile, but you didn’t have to take it so literally.”

  Embarrassed, I took my passport from him and kept it closed. I’d renewed it three years before, when Tom and I were going through a bad time. He’d booked a holiday without telling me; two weeks alone with him in a foreign country was the very last thing I’d wanted. I thought I was in luck that my passport had run out, but he made me an emergency appointment with the Passport Office in Liverpool so that I could renew it the same day. My photo showed me looking exactly how I’d felt that day: depressed and fed up.

  “Things were bad for me then.”

  He put his arm around me and pulled me to him and whispered, “I’m sorry. It looks like you were going through a tough time. I shouldn’t have laughed at you.” I leaned into him and kissed his cheek. The clerk called me forward to weigh my bag and check my documents and by the time Harry had done the same, I felt okay again.

  It had been years since I’d traveled with anyone but Tom. It was an adventure, like the start of a holiday, where you think anything can happen.

  “He didn’t suspect anything, did he?” asked Harry when we were having a quick drink at the bar before boarding the plane.

  I shook my head. “I’m so used to hiding things from him now. He didn’t suspect a thing.”

  “Nor did Emma,” he said. “Mind you, she’s always thinking about work. I doubt she’s even noticed I’ve gone.”

  I knew Tom would’ve noticed I’d gone. I knew I’d pay the price when I returned.

  Our flight was only ninety minutes long and it seemed by the time we got on and had a drink it was time to get off again. I was disappointed; I enjoyed sitting with Harry in the cramped cabin. It was good to be able to be with him without worrying about someone seeing us. I’d had a quick look around the cabin as we entered, and I know Harry did, too. When everyone was seat
ed, he walked the length of the plane and I know he was checking to see whether there was anyone he knew. When he came back, he sat down and said, “All safe,” and kissed me.

  The flight was great, not too crowded and with a smooth takeoff. It seemed to go by in a flash. Landing has always terrified me, though, and as we approached Charles de Gaulle airport, I squeezed my hands tightly to take my mind off what was happening.

  Harry looked down at my lap. “Are you okay? Your knuckles are white.”

  I nodded. “I hate this. I don’t mind flying, but this . . .” We bumped onto the runway and I caught my breath.

  “We’re here now.” He held my hands and gently rubbed them. “You’re okay.”

  I tried to smile. “We’re alive!”

  He laughed. “That bad, eh? You should have said, honey.”

  “It’s stupid, I know,” I said. “I know all about there being more chance of an accident if you’re crossing the road, but it still terrifies me every time.”

  He stroked my face with the back of his hand. I leaned against his hand and kissed it. “Do you remember I told you Tom and I went to New York a couple of years ago?”

  He nodded.

  “Tom was sulking on the flight and when it was time to land, he deliberately turned to talk to the man sitting next to him, knowing I’d need someone to cling to. It was bad weather, too, windy and pouring with rain, which made it even more scary for me. I was in bits when we got off the plane.”

  Harry’s mouth tightened. “He’s a really nice guy, your husband.”