The Closer You Get

by Mary Torjussen

  “Why don’t I come to your house now and we can go through everything that needs to be done?” said Annie. “You could work from home today. There are plenty of things you can do there if you’re up to it.”

  I dragged myself out of bed for a shower and dressed, relieved now that I knew I’d be staying home.

  When she arrived we sat in the kitchen and worked through our diaries and planned which jobs I could do that day. I wanted to confide in her, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t betray Harry like that. Infidelity was one thing—we were both guilty of that now—but if he knew I’d told other people he might not be the father before I told him, it would be all over.

  “And we’ll have to plan for your maternity leave. There’s so much to think about.” She didn’t know how right she was. If the baby was Tom’s, what would Harry do? Would he leave me? And what kind of involvement would Tom want?

  “I’m so happy for you,” she said. “And for Harry, too.” She got up to go. “I’ve brought you the spare screen. It’ll be easier for you than using the one on the laptop. It’s in my car; I’ll just bring it in now that the rain’s gone off.” She went out of the front door and I heard her speaking to someone. I thought it would be the old lady who lived next door and I kept out of the way. I didn’t want her to come in and start to fuss around me.

  Then I heard a male voice talking to Annie. I went to the door to see who it was, and my heart thumped hard in my chest as I saw it was Tom.

  “Are you sure you don’t want any help?” he asked Annie, who was grappling with a large computer monitor.

  “I’m fine, thanks. I’ve got it.” She saw me in the doorway. “Someone to see you, Emma.”

  I ignored Tom and closed the front door behind Annie. “What’s he doing here?”

  She turned to face me, surprised. “He said he was a friend of yours. Shall I tell him to go away?”

  I nodded. “Tell him I’m not feeling well.”

  “You do look pale. Don’t worry, I’ll tell him.”

  She opened the door and I heard her talking to Tom.

  “It’s okay, tell her I’ll call back one night,” he said.

  Like a shot I was at the door. There was no way I could risk him calling round when Harry was here. “It’s okay, I’ll see you now.”

  “I’ll take this up to your study,” said Annie, and she disappeared upstairs.

  I hissed at Tom, “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “I just wanted a chat.”

  “You’re not meant to be here!”

  I stopped talking as Annie came downstairs and picked up her bag and keys from the hallway console. She gave me a suspicious look and I knew I’d have to fight off some questions later.

  “So I’ll start work on the Fordham website and be in touch this afternoon.” She gave me a hug. “Get some rest.”

  I kissed her and said good-bye, and then she was off.

  Tom watched her drive away, then turned to me and smiled. “I’ll be in touch.”

  “I’m not going to answer any texts, so you needn’t bother sending them,” I said. “Or answer your calls. I’ve got nothing to say to you.”

  “Oh, I think you have. We’ve got a lot to talk about.”

  “We don’t. I’m going inside now. I’m not well. If you don’t go away I’ll call the police.”

  He laughed. “Really? What exactly would you tell them?”

  Tears filled my eyes and I brushed them away. “Please.” My throat was swollen and my voice sounded weak. I took a step back into the house. “Just go away.”

  He looked uncertain, but then seemed to gather himself. “We need to talk,” he said calmly. “I can see you’re upset so now’s not a good time, but we do need to talk.” He touched my arm and I flinched. “Let’s meet up away from your home. You won’t be as nervous then.”

  “I don’t want to meet up at all.”

  “I know you don’t. But we have to. We have to talk about this, Emma. Look, Harry’s in London tonight, isn’t he? He’s not due back until tomorrow morning.”

  “How did you know that?”

  “His staff need training,” he said. “They’ll just tell you anything.”

  I didn’t reply. I knew from my own experience that that was the case. I pictured Sarah chatting away to him, telling him everything.

  “I’ll be at The Crown down the road tonight at eight o’clock. Come along then and we can talk.”

  CHAPTER 49

  Emma

  The first thing I noticed about Tom was that he was dressed as though he was going on a date. He was wearing a dark blue suit that brought out the color of his eyes and a crisp cotton shirt. He looked pretty good and at first I thought he was meeting me for a quick drink before going on somewhere else. It wasn’t long before I realized I was the main event.

  I arrived at the pub a few minutes late. I didn’t want to get there early and give him the satisfaction of thinking he’d kept me waiting, and I didn’t want to bump into him in the car park, either.

  The pub was busy that night. There was a sign outside advertising a pub quiz and large groups of people were sitting around tables, talking animatedly. I had been there only a few moments when Tom came racing up toward me.

  “Emma!” He reached in for a kiss on the cheek and I stood very still, not wanting to give him the impression that I was happy with that. “I’m so glad you came. Come and sit down.” He showed me to the corner of the room where there were a couple of chairs and a small round table. “Let me get you a drink. What would you like?”

  “Sparkling water. Thanks.”

  “Of course.” He smiled. “Won’t be a minute.”

  He was back shortly with a couple of glasses and a large bottle of water. He said, “I’d better stay sober for this, I think.”

  In a flash I remembered the night we spent together and blushed. Without meeting his eyes I took the glass he offered me.

  “How are you? How are you feeling?”

  “All right,” I said warily. “Thanks.”

  “Great. So I thought it would be a good idea to meet up and talk through all our options.”

  Instantly I was irritated, but I stayed quiet. I didn’t know where to start.

  “So.” He seemed a bit unnerved and I saw a faint sheen of perspiration on his forehead. “Do you know the due date?”

  “I’m not talking to you about it until I can show you proof that Harry is the father. And then there won’t be any point in talking about it at all.”

  He ignored this. “He’s not the father. I know it would be more convenient for you if he was, but he isn’t. Come on, Emma. Think of the likelihood of that. You need to get used to the idea.”

  Now it was my turn to ignore what he said. Two could play at that game. “So I’m just here to say that I’ll be getting a DNA test done to reassure you . . .”

  He interrupted me. “When? When will you be having the test?”

  I tried to keep my face impassive. I really didn’t want him to know this. If the test showed he was the father, I needed time to decide what to do. “I don’t know yet. I’ll speak to my doctor.”

  “Because you can get tested now. I’ve been online . . .”

  I interrupted him. “I’ll get the test done after the baby’s born. There’s no argument about that. In the meantime I don’t want to see you. I don’t want you to hang around my house. I don’t want to go for a coffee with you or to the pub. I don’t want to be here now. I want you to leave me alone.”

  “You must be joking! Everything you do—every single thing you do—is my business now.”

  “What?”

  “You’re carrying my child and I need to make sure that you’re keeping it healthy. I want to come to your hospital appointments with you. The scans. And when it’s born, we are going to share the care of it.”


  I stared at him, unable to believe what I was hearing.

  “I’m going for fifty-fifty custody, by the way,” he said. “I should have done that when Belinda and I split up but it wasn’t so common then. I’m not going to make that mistake again. I’m not having another man seeing more of my child than I do myself.”

  “No way. Don’t even think about it.”

  “There’s no point arguing.” He leaned forward; he seemed excited, fired up with adrenaline. I swear he was getting off on the challenge. “Ruby and I own that house outright. When it’s sold I’ll have enough for a smaller house and I’ll be able to work part-time, so I’ll be able to do my share of childcare.” I opened my mouth to object but he continued, “And I’ve got enough savings to stop work altogether for a few years if I need to. So if you want to work full-time, that’s fine.”

  “Are you insane? You’re not going to have my baby half of the time!”

  “Once the first three months have passed, yes. It’s our baby, Emma. You’ve got to stop being so selfish. It’s our baby: yours and mine. You might be the person carrying it, but once it’s born, it’s no more yours than it is mine.”

  I knew that I’d never see Harry again if he heard what Tom was saying now. There was the slightest chance he’d stay with me if it was another man’s child, but not if that man was going to demand fifty-fifty childcare. And not if that man was Tom. Why would he? My heart raced at the thought of losing Harry and seeing my baby only half of the week.

  I picked up my bag. “There’s no point to this conversation.”

  “But there is! I’ve told you; I’ve been through all this before, with Josh. I’m not losing another child. And when you give birth . . .”

  “Don’t even think you’ll be there for that.”

  “I’m the child’s father,” he said calmly. “And if you think Harry will be there, you’ve got another think coming.” He gave me a cheeky grin. “The one who’s there at the conception should be the one who’s there at the birth. Everyone knows that.”

  I jumped up so quickly I stumbled. A young couple at the next table turned to stare at me. I saw them glance quickly at our glasses to see what I’d been drinking. I picked up my bag and pushed past him. “Leave me alone,” I hissed in his ear. “I don’t want to see you again.”

  He stood up, too, and followed me out of the pub. “When you’ve calmed down, you’ll know I’m right. In any case, I haven’t said what I wanted to say.”

  I opened my car door and quickly climbed in.

  Tom held the door so that I couldn’t shut it. I started up the engine and shouted, “Let go of the door!”

  A couple of men who were about to go into the pub stopped and stared at us.

  Tom lowered his voice. “I was going to say that if you want to see the child all the time, there’s an easy way around that.”

  My first thought was that he wanted money. Mostly I felt disgust, but quite honestly the rest of me just thought: How much will it cost me to get rid of you and when do you want it? “What? What are you talking about?”

  “We could live together. You, me, and the baby.”

  CHAPTER 50

  Ruby

  I found it impossible to sleep. My heart was racing as I thought of the silver car. Had it really been following me? Had I just panicked and imagined it? My mind kept going back to the feeling I’d had that someone was watching me. I couldn’t help feeling it was something to do with the calls I’d had. Was the driver one of those men? He couldn’t have recognized me. That photo wasn’t even of me. But I hadn’t found the site until days after I started to get the calls. Had there been other photos of me that were put up and taken down without my knowledge? Or were there some on another site, too?

  Before I went to bed, I left the lights on in every room and wedged a chair against my bedroom door. If anyone tried to get in I’d hear him. I put my phone under my pillow and left the lamp on. It took ages for my breathing to slow down and for me to feel safe. I lay in bed thinking about the mess I’d made of my life. I’d lost Harry and though I hated him now, I missed him, too. I’d lost my home and I knew that was my own fault but it was still a loss. No matter how good my and Josh’s intentions were, I knew I wouldn’t have the same relationship with him now. He’d move away to university next September and if I moved away, too, I’d hardly see him. I had no husband—or not really. We weren’t divorced yet, but the marriage was over. That was my fault, I knew, but there’s something about having a husband—it’s a kind of anchor, and without it, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I’d been stupid to think that I would ever belong to Harry.

  * * *

  • • •

  As soon as it was daylight I sent Sarah a text.

  I’m so sorry, I know it’s early, but I need to talk to you when you’ve got a minute.

  My phone rang within seconds. It was Sarah, sounding bleary and tired. “What’s up? Are you okay?”

  “I think someone was following me last night.”

  I could hear her moving around now and when she spoke all sounds of tiredness had gone. “What, after we left McCullough’s?”

  “Yes. I was waiting ages for a taxi but nothing came. I ended up walking home.”

  “Oh no. You should have come back with me.”

  “It’s not that far, not even a couple of miles, but my shoes were killing me. I shouldn’t have worn heels. But then I hit Weston Road, you know, where the road gets narrower? I hadn’t realized how dark it was down there. And then I started to feel weird. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m sure someone was circling the block and driving past me really slowly.”

  “Who was it? Did you see him?”

  “No. I couldn’t see who it was. And then they stopped the car and I just turned and ran.”

  “I doubt it was anything,” she said. “It was probably a different car each time. You’d had a few drinks and you were probably confused.” I knew then it had been a complete waste of time talking to her about it. “I get nervous when I walk home late at night on my own, too.” She spoke with great authority but I couldn’t help wondering when exactly it was that she’d last done that. “It’s when the streets are empty that it gets creepy. And the lightbulbs used in the streetlamps are lower wattage now; I was reading about it the other day. It’ll just be that.”

  “I suppose so,” I said doubtfully. “I’m not usually nervous, though.”

  “Are you kidding?” She laughed. “What about that time the lift broke down at work? You were only stuck in it for five minutes and you freaked out.”

  I winced at the memory. “That was a bit different. I thought it was going to fall down the shaft.”

  She laughed again. “I remember Harry explaining it to you very, very slowly.”

  I couldn’t help smiling. “Even then I didn’t really get it. I said I did but only because I didn’t want to sound like a complete idiot.”

  She ended the call with a promise to be in touch soon. “I’d better get going,” she said. “I’m taking notes at a meeting this morning.”

  “On a Saturday?” I hadn’t intended to say that and it came out sharper than usual. When I’d worked there I’d sometimes had to work on a Saturday, but Sarah’s job had never involved that.

  She hesitated. “Yes. It’s the board meeting.” Harry always held the board meetings on a Saturday, so that they wouldn’t be disturbed by other staff. There was an awkward pause, then she went on, “I’m Harry’s PA now. There’s been a bit of a reshuffle. Sorry, I thought I’d told you.” I heard her call out to her daughter, telling her not to spill her orange juice, then she said quickly, “I have to go. Speak soon.” And then she was gone, leaving me dumbfounded. Why hadn’t she told me that the night before? Had she spoken to Harry about me? She hadn’t wanted to talk about work and I could understand that, but to not mention she was working directly with
Harry now?

  As I showered and dressed I thought of the days I’d worked with him, of seeing him through the glass partition as we worked in our separate rooms. Now Sarah would be at my desk with the same view of Harry that I’d had.

  I swallowed. I’d been such an idiot. He and I should have just stayed friends. I would have been there now, taking notes for him, chatting to him when no one was around, exchanging little messages that would disappear into thin air at the end of the day, as long as we remembered to close our screens. I’d ruined it all now. We’d ruined it all.

  Then my phone beeped with a message. I checked it warily; those men from the escort site had made me frightened of my own phone. It was an e-mail from Tom, forwarding some tickets. It was for a showing of Star Wars with a live orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall in London, the afternoon before Christmas Eve. It was just the sort of thing I loved to do. There were three tickets.

  Hi, Ruby,

  Hope you’re having a good weekend. I saw these tickets advertised and knew they’d sell out fast so I thought I’d get some for you. You’ll love it. Perhaps take Josh and a friend? I’m in Scotland this weekend visiting my brother. He sends his love.

  So do I.

  x

  CHAPTER 51

  Ruby

  I didn’t respond to Tom’s message, but he gave me plenty to think about that day. Buying those tickets was the sort of thing he’d done when we first met. He loved to give me surprises. Whenever it was my birthday or Christmas or our anniversary he’d be grinning for weeks beforehand, excited to see what my reaction would be to his gifts. And his gifts were perfect, thoughtful. Usually something I didn’t know I wanted until I saw it wrapped up for me. Last night I’d felt vulnerable and scared; Tom’s gift this morning made me feel as though he still loved me. Still cared for me. I knew that if I called him to tell him what had happened he’d come rushing back from Scotland to help me. I knew, too, that if he did that I’d move back into my house. What I didn’t know was whether that would make me happy. Whether he’d ever forgive me. Whether I could ever truly love him again.