The Closer You Get

by Mary Torjussen

  “I don’t think that’s how it works, babe,” he said. “All I did was buy you a soft toy for our baby. But okay, if you’re superstitious, I won’t buy anything else.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  “I’ll save the money instead.”

  “Okay. You do that.”

  * * *

  • • •

  That night Harry and I were in bed, about to go to sleep, when his phone beeped.

  “Sorry, honey,” he said. “I’ll just check this in case it’s work.”

  He was always open with his phone and was always happy to let me use it. I knew his password. He thought he knew my password, but I’d changed it since I’d started getting messages from Tom. I’d turned off the notifications, too, so that Harry wouldn’t see a message from him pop up on the screen. Honestly, I was living as though I was the one having an affair.

  “That’s odd,” he said. “I’ve got a message from PayPal.”

  At that point I was thinking I needed to have my blood pressure checked. I was two days from my test results and every time I moved that stupid bear into another room Harry brought it back again. It didn’t seem to bother him that he hadn’t a clue who’d sent it to us. Right then it was sitting on the armchair staring at us both. I was trying to relax, ready for sleep, but my eyes kept meeting the bear’s eyes. I panicked, wondering whether Tom had fitted it with a recording device, and went over to put it in the spare room.

  “How strange,” said Harry. “It says someone’s sent me a hundred pounds through PayPal.”

  “It’ll be a scam.” I was half-asleep and just wanted him to switch the lamp off and shut up. “The newspapers are full of this sort of thing. Someone puts money into your account and says it was a mistake. You send it back but they’ve already withdrawn their money. Just ignore it.”

  “No.” He sounded confused. “There’s a message. It says, ‘You might need this after the baby’s born!’”

  My eyes snapped open. “What?” I sat up and took his phone.

  The sender’s name was simply T.

  “Who do we know whose name begins with T?” asked Harry. Thankfully he’d turned the lamp off by then and couldn’t see my face. I didn’t answer and pretty soon he went to sleep.

  I lay there for hours, thinking about Tom, just as he’d intended. I knew that he was going to keep going on and on until I snapped.

  I didn’t think he’d have long to wait.

  CHAPTER 57

  Ruby

  The first thing I did that morning was to e-mail Gill, the letting agent, to ask whether she could have someone put a bolt on the front door. I told her I was concerned about security and was happy to pay for it. It was something I could have done myself but of course I didn’t have any tools with me. I knew I could have asked Tom if I could use some of ours, but he’d insist on coming round to do it for me and I didn’t want him to see where I was living. Gill replied quickly, saying she’d send someone around as soon as she could, but that I wasn’t to do it myself, as per the rental agreement.

  I got to work by nine o’clock as usual and found another woman sitting at my desk. She was very tanned and heavily made up, and her eyes were swollen and pink. I guessed she’d been crying. She looked me up and down and I knew she must be part of the gang that worked in the admin office.

  “Hi.” I smiled. “I’m Ruby Dean, the temp.”

  She scowled. “I’m here now,” she said.

  I stared at her, wanting a further explanation, but she said nothing, just took out her makeup bag and focused on her eyebrows.

  Mike, our manager, came out and saw me standing there. He ushered me into his office. As I left the reception area I heard the woman yell, “What’s this computer doing here?”

  “I’m so sorry,” Mike said. “I didn’t realize she’d be back today.”

  “I thought she was on holiday for three weeks?”

  “She was.” He closed the office door and whispered, “She was meant to be getting married abroad. They got drunk and had a huge argument and got kicked out of their hotel, so they had to come back.”

  I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing. “So now that she’s back, you don’t need me?”

  “You can stay if you like,” he said. “You’d have to work in the admin office with the others, though.”

  We looked out of his office window into the admin office beyond. The woman from the reception desk was there now, telling her story to an avid crowd.

  “I’ll give that a miss, I think.”

  “I don’t blame you.” He shook my hand. “Thanks for all the work you’ve done. I really appreciate it. I’ll call Lesley and make sure you’re paid to the end of the week.”

  I raced out to my car, feeling giddy with relief that I was getting out of there.

  * * *

  • • •

  I didn’t know where I was going to when I set off, but found myself heading toward Nantwich, a little market town about forty miles from home. I hadn’t been there for months and for a while I walked along the narrow streets, looking at the shops and wishing I had the money to buy something. I was happy to leave that job but I had to find something else now.

  As I walked down the street toward the market square, I saw a café that I hadn’t noticed before. At the front of the shop was a counter where customers could buy cakes and homemade bread, then there was a seating area beyond. The café area was pretty empty but looked warm and welcoming. There was a bookshop next door and I went in to buy the latest Kate Atkinson novel that I’d just seen reviewed in the papers, then returned to the café and sat at the back at a table on my own.

  I sent Tom a message:

  Any interest in the house?

  He replied pretty quickly: There have been a few viewers over the last couple of days. I’ll let you know how it goes, if you’re sure you want to sell x

  I wondered whether he wanted to sell. Whether he wanted me back. I could see the man I used to love now. If he stayed like that, I knew I could be happy with him.

  Another text came through.

  Are you OK for money? Let me know if you need anything x

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want him to know how little I had and how worried I was. I’d always been proud that I’d supported myself; now wasn’t the time to lose my independence.

  The waitress came over and I made my order, preoccupied with how to respond to Tom’s message. Just as she turned away, the door opened and Harry walked in.

  CHAPTER 58

  Ruby

  I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

  He stood making conversation with the woman behind the counter. He said something to her and she burst out laughing. He was like that. Everyone was charmed by him. I stayed still, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I was so aware of him it seemed as though my whole body was buzzing. Alert. For a moment I forgot how he’d treated me; all I could feel was relief that I’d seen him again, that he was alive and well. Then a surge of anger rose in me and I wanted to punch his lights out for what he’d done to me.

  He seemed to be choosing boxes of cakes. I heard him say, “I need a couple of dozen. Mix them up but make sure there are a few éclairs or there’ll be a fight,” and his voice was so familiar that my throat ached.

  I looked at my watch. It was just before two o’clock. And then I remembered that one of his suppliers was nearby. Had he had a lunch meeting with them this morning? Was he going back to the office and treating the staff to cakes, or was he taking twenty-four cakes home to his pregnant wife?

  When he took out his wallet to pay, I looked away quickly and stared down at my book on the table. I opened it at a random place and tried to read what it said. I could hardly make out one word. I didn’t want to talk to him. I couldn’t think of one civil thing I might say.

  And then the air seemed to
shift and I knew he was there, standing over me. I hadn’t heard him, hadn’t seen him, but I knew. I kept my eyes fixed firmly on my book.

  “Hello, Ruby.” He sounded nervous, as he should. “What are you doing here?”

  I had to look up then. I didn’t know whether to slap him or kiss him. I pressed myself back in my seat to stop myself from doing either.

  My mouth was suddenly dry and I had to swallow before I could speak. “Hello, Harry. I didn’t see you there.” It wasn’t convincing, I knew. “I was just reading my book.”

  “Do you mind if I sit down?”

  I shrugged.

  He pulled a chair out opposite me and sat down, putting his boxes of cakes on the table next to us. “Oh, Kate Atkinson. I like her.” He took the book out of my hands. It was open at the center pages. He read a line or two, then looked at the cover. “What’s it about?”

  “No idea,” I said abruptly.

  He gave a nervous laugh; he’d never known me to be rude. “How have you been?”

  “Fine. Everything’s hunky-dory, thank you.”

  Just then the waitress arrived with my hot chocolate and coffee cake. “That looks good,” he said. “Mind if I join you?”

  I glared at him, but he turned to the waitress. “I’ll have black coffee and the same cake, thanks.”

  We sat in silence until she returned with his order. I kept my head down. I didn’t want to talk to him or even look at him. When the waitress was safely back in the kitchen, he reached out to touch my hand. I snatched it away.

  “Ruby, I’m so sorry.”

  Suddenly my throat was swollen with tears and I couldn’t say a word.

  “I know we can’t be friends,” he said. “That would be too odd after all we went through, but surely we can chat if we bump into each other?”

  “All we went through?” I couldn’t believe it. “We? I’m the person without a job or a home, thanks to your bright idea that we should leave our partners. I don’t think you’ve been through much at all, have you?” My heart was pounding. “Oh, wait. Are you suffering early labor pains?”

  He winced. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you about the baby face-to-face. I know it must have hurt you.”

  “And you think dumping me wouldn’t hurt me?”

  “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I was stupid. And thoughtless. And cruel. But what do you mean, you’re without a home?” I was silent and then it dawned on him. “You’ve left home? But when?”

  “On the day we agreed,” I snapped. “At the time we agreed. When do you think?”

  “But I told you not to,” he said. “Or not until you were ready to.”

  “What? Your last words to me were, ‘I’ll see you at around eight o’clock. Don’t let me down!’” Actually he’d told me he loved me then, too. I didn’t repeat that, I just couldn’t, though from the flush that stained his face, I saw he remembered it, too.

  “But I e-mailed you,” he said. “I told you not to leave that night.”

  CHAPTER 59

  Ruby

  I looked at him in confusion. “No, you didn’t.”

  “I did! I sent you an e-mail before I left work that night. A really long e-mail. I told you about the baby, remember?” He reached out for my hand, but I moved away. “I asked you to forgive me.”

  “I knew about the baby from Sarah, on the Monday afterward. I didn’t get an e-mail.”

  “What? I sent it to your Gmail account; the one linked to your phone. Remember you told me the address one time?”

  I certainly did remember. I was in bed with him at the time.

  “I didn’t get it and I’ve used it dozens of times since then. But why would you do that? We never sent e-mails to each other.”

  “I needed you to get it straightaway. I couldn’t call you in case Tom was there, and if I’d sent it to your work address you wouldn’t have gotten it until Monday.” He was quiet for a while and drank his coffee. “When you didn’t reply, I thought you were angry with me.”

  “I was. I was furious.” I didn’t need to add that I still was; he must have been able to tell. “I wrote to tell you that.”

  “You did?”

  “Yes, I gave a letter to Sarah. She put it in your drawer.”

  “No, she didn’t,” he said firmly. “You think I wouldn’t have seen it? Responded?”

  “I didn’t ask her whether you’d read it. I thought that would sound pathetic.” I saw pity in his eyes and looked away. “Let me check.”

  I sent her a message:

  Hi Sarah, just checking you remembered to put my letter into Harry’s drawer at work. X

  Within minutes she replied, Yes, of course I did. I told you I would.

  She was definitely getting more annoyed with me.

  Do you know if he read it? I asked.

  Ruby, I’m supposed to be working! Yes, he opened it when he came back into work. I saw him through the window, reading it.

  I showed this to Harry. “Did you read it?”

  “No. I didn’t see a letter from you.” He reached over and touched my hand. I moved mine away, but could feel the warm pressure for ages afterward. “I would have called you if I had.”

  “But that means she’s been lying to me,” I said. I sent another message: Did you see what he did with my letter?

  She replied immediately. I’m really sorry, Ruby. He read it and then he threw it into the bin. I didn’t want to tell you that.

  His face was grim as he read the message. “I’ll have a word with her. She’s lying to you.”

  “But why would she do that? We’re friends.”

  He looked awkward. “I know I should have told you this, but a couple of Christmases ago she made a pass at me. It was at the office party, just before you started working there.”

  “What? Sarah did?”

  “Yes. She said we could be friends with benefits.” He saw my expression and laughed. “I told her I wasn’t interested and she cried. She asked me not to tell anyone.”

  “But she’s married!”

  There was silence then as we both realized we, too, were married.

  I thought of Sarah’s shock as she discovered I’d had an affair with Harry. I thought back to the things that had happened to me: Had Sarah had anything to do with them? And she’d listened to me as I wailed about Harry; I’d told her everything, and she’d said nothing at all, just watched, prompted me to confide in her, then lied through her teeth when I asked if she’d given him my letter.

  It was obvious that she was impatient with me now. Had she always felt like that about me?

  CHAPTER 60

  Ruby

  So you went to the hotel that night?” asked Harry.

  I nodded, my face hot with shame. “I stayed there for a few nights. Nearly a week. I went home on Friday, told Tom, and left, just as we planned.” My mouth trembled as I spoke. “I waited for you! I thought you meant it when you said you loved me.”

  “I did mean it,” he said. “I did. Listen to me.” He reached out and tentatively touched my hand again. This time I didn’t move, but every bit of me yearned to hold him. “After you’d gone that night, Jane came to my office. You remember she’s Emma’s sister?”

  I nodded.

  “I’d had a meeting with Rick Brown and I was there longer than I’d planned. Jane was waiting for me. We were to have an exit meeting. And for whatever reason she decided to use my laptop while she was waiting. I’m not sure why. She didn’t stop long enough to tell me. And she saw our messages from that afternoon.” He grimaced. “They went further back, actually. I hadn’t deleted them for months.”

  I felt my face go crimson. Throughout the day we’d use the company’s instant messaging service, thinking we were safe. Once the conversation thread was closed, they were lost and there was no way anyone could retrieve them. I used
to close mine down all the time, in case someone saw them, but I suppose Harry hadn’t thought anyone would look at his laptop.

  “How much did she see?”

  “Enough to see that we planned to leave home that night.”

  “Oh God.”

  “Eleanor came in then and we did the handover with Jane. Then when Eleanor went back to her room, Jane really let me have it. She told me that Emma had just found out she was pregnant. I hadn’t realized, of course. I hadn’t even thought she might be. We assumed we couldn’t have children.” He looked down. “We were tested years ago and were told it was unexplained infertility. Anyway, you don’t want to know about that. She told me that Emma was pregnant and that if I carried on seeing you, she would tell her everything. I knew Emma would leave me if she found out I was seeing you.”

  “But you wanted to leave her!”

  “I did. I wanted to be with you. I just hadn’t factored in a baby.” His face was pink with emotion and he gripped my hand tightly. “Ruby, I have never fathered a child. It’s something I’d always wanted. Longed for. I wanted a baby even more than Emma did. And I loved you. Of course I loved you. You’re wonderful. But I had to make that decision.”

  “And you didn’t think you’d bother telling me?” I couldn’t help it. I knew I sounded bitter, but I was bitter. I was still furious with him, not so much for not leaving his wife, but for not telling me. For letting me down. “Why would you treat someone you loved like that?”

  “I told you. I wrote to you. I couldn’t call you: We had that rule, remember? I wouldn’t do anything to make things difficult for you at home. And when I got to work after that week away, you weren’t there.”

  “Sarah didn’t tell you why I’d gone?”

  He shook his head. “I assumed you’d left so that you wouldn’t have to see me.” He looked down and I knew he felt ashamed. “You have to understand, though, why I couldn’t leave home. I couldn’t leave Emma, not if she was pregnant. What sort of man would do that? And when I got home she bundled me into the car and took me away for a week. She said we should leave our phones behind.” He swallowed and I steeled myself for what he’d say. “She said we needed to bond. That we’d been living separate lives. We had. I’d told you that; we talked about it a lot. She said we had to be a family now, that our child came first. I couldn’t call you. She was with me the whole time. And when I got back to work, you’d gone and I knew I deserved that.”