The first Thursday that came after Corinne decided to rip my heart out, I’d survived. I kept myself busy, striking up meetings. Filled my bed that night with a warm, soft body, drunk out of my mind, trying to erase her from my brain. The next morning, when I opened my eyes to a face that wasn’t Corinne’s, I knew I was kidding myself.
I couldn’t scrub her away. I’d chiseled every one of her words, her magnificent smiles, into my bones.
The next day, I called Bianca and told her I was going out of town. I couldn’t give her a reason. I was too ashamed. It was unwise to leave my company without reason, but I had a good team. They could handle the pressure without me while I tried to put myself back together.
But it was a mistake returning to my parents’ house. To the memories we’d created together during those three magical days. I could still see her, still hear her in every room. Could still smell her.
That was when I pulled out the liquor. It started with a drink, that turned into too many to count. Until my vision was blurry, and I was having a tough time distinguishing if I saw her, or myself, in the mirror. If she had ever been real to begin with.
Laying on my back with one arm over my eyes, I placed my other hand over my chest, the subtle heartbeats thudding behind my rib cage. It was a wonder it was still going with the ripping ache that came between every staggering beat.
Grief.
That was what it felt like. Loss.
I didn’t believe her. Not when she said she wanted it to work with him. Emotions I’d never felt before marched forward, resisting, forming a barricade to keep out the truths she tried to give me. I couldn’t get that last look in her eyes out of my head. The agonizing surrender to a future she didn’t want. I wanted to stop her, so badly, but I wasn’t Jack. I wouldn’t force her.
I’d do what I did best. I’d get my shit together, then get back in the game. I’d continue on, because for someone like me, there was no other choice.
Corinne made hers whether I believed her or not. Whether I liked it or not.
I had to respect her decision.
I had to… I had to let her go.
Three Weeks Later
Diving head-first into work and keeping busy was the only medicine to cure my ails. It was the only thing that kept her off my mind, and kept me from reaching for the phone to contact her.
Except for when I saw Jack.
I did everything I could to avoid him. He must have done the same, because we rarely bumped into one another. Corinne had become a ghost in the building. It had been four weeks and I hadn’t caught a glimpse of her.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t search for her. I found myself going to the same places she frequented in hopes of bumping into her. The pool. The coffee shop. But I never did, and I wasn’t sure if that was a blessing or a curse.
The city had never felt so lonely. So bare and broken.
But every day gave way into the next, and I kept putting one foot in front of the other, determined not to fall. I could get through it. I had to.
There was a knock on my office door.
“Come in,” I said, finishing up an email. It was Friday. As soon as I finished, I was on my way out the door, ready to meet up with a woman one of my colleagues suggested I take out. I had tickets to The Met and a limo I’d requested to be stocked full of liquor, both waiting to help me forget.
Jack walked in a second later. Anger was a match lit beneath me. My hands stilled against the keyboard, shoulders stiffening.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but do you have a moment?” he said, his face in neutral, unreadable lines.
Despite the swelling desire to tell him to leave, I nodded. I wasn’t prepared to see him. To face the truth. I’d done well keeping my distance, not wanting to see that look in his eyes that said he’d won.
He sat in the chair across from my desk. Crossed his legs, the air crackling with rage.
“Well?” I said, wanting him to spit out what he’d come to say as quickly as possible.
He inhaled. “With everything that’s happened, I’ve decided to resign. I applied to work with Sloane & Co, and start in two weeks. I just wanted you to hear it from me.”
My brain felt like fire, and it pushed the flames against the back of my lids as if I were staring into the sun. So you can gloat? I shook my head, trying to keep my cool as I focused on my computer. “Congratulations. I wish nothing but the best for you and your wife. I’ll have Bianca contact someone in HR to go over the exit process with you.”
Those words felt like knives against my tongue, slicing me on their way out. Punishing me for lying.
His gaze flattened. “I warned you, Cole. You didn’t listen.”
My discontent gave way to bitterness. Churning. Boiling. I didn’t want to be goaded. To fall into his trap, but I was a fucking wreck, my emotions all over the place. “You know, she isn’t a toy you can pick up and set down whenever you’re ready to play.”
He stood. Straightened his jacket, the brazenness on his face taunting the asshole in me. “Look, I didn’t come here to discuss my marriage,” he said, almost dismissively. “I came out of respect to let you know I’m leaving the company.”
I was biting through my tongue. Fighting every primal urge in me not to punch him until he was unrecognizable.
I stood. Prowled around the desk. A small flicker of fear flashed across his features as I stepped closer to him, lowering my voice, flinging the same malice he felt right back at him. “If you fucking hurt her, I will hurt you. Do you understand? I suggest you make the most of this second chance you’ve been given.”
His gaze was as black as the tar in my veins. A nerve twitched in his cheek.
And then he left, slamming the door behind him.
My hands shook with the need to wrap them around his neck. To choke the life out of him when he’d said he came out of respect. The word was laughable coming from him. I doubted he even understood the meaning. No… he hadn’t come out of respect… he’d come to gloat. He came as a parting shot before he cut the last of the ties between Corinne and me. Once his exit paperwork was signed, he would have to turn over the keys to the apartment within a week. And then… then he’d move Corinne away and I’d never see her again.
Chapter 30
Four Months Later
Corinne
I was the master of wearing masks.
I had one for every emotion. Every situation.
When Jack came home, I wore my happy mask. When we sat in front of the therapist every Thursday, I wore my vulnerable mask. When we made love, I wore my satisfied mask.
But beneath all the masks was a dark void. A faceless woman without a heart. My emotions had been anesthetized by the pain I’d caused Cole. Deadened. Catatonic.
It was going to take time. Getting over him. Over everything that happened. Those were my therapist’s words. Words that did nothing to warm the chill I’d embraced in my bones. Erasing a person’s existence wasn’t the same as taking an eraser to paper. My memories had become tiny daggers, stabbing me every second of the day.
I saw him in the streets. In the windows. In the flowers. I felt him in every song. Every gust of wind. Every sparkling ray of sun.
And every time, I died a little more.
At first, I was grateful when Jack left the company. When we left the apartment that touched the stars. It was too painful… the elevator that held all my secrets. The thousands of stolen kisses stored within the walls.
Macy thought I was crazy. I couldn’t disagree with her. She was team Cole, but she also wasn’t married, so she didn’t know what it felt like to be in my situation. To need to try before throwing in the towel. I couldn’t just give up… not without knowing for sure.
We settled into an apartment, on the other side of town. It was warmer, smaller, feeling more like the first place Jack and I rented, and I convinced myself it was exactly what we needed. To go back to those days. To find those feelings that had been buried by time. We used our k
isses like bandages, covering each other’s wounds when they’d tear open. Our words had become the salve.
For a moment, I believed we could make it.
As the months passed by, the days grew easier. I let myself breathe through the pain. Ripped apart the person I was, so I could be a stronger, better version of myself. I was promoted to manager at the home goods store. Jack was working endless hours to build himself up within a new company. We’d share bottles of wine over dinner, talking about our day, trying to mend the friendship between us that we let fall to the wayside.
But with friendship came a new reality.
A new truth we were scared to admit.
We loved each other. Yes. Very much.
But we weren’t in love.
Not anymore.
I realized we couldn’t go back. Time didn’t rewind.
We grew. Changed. Evolved.
What we once had was left in the past, when our hearts were still wild and our hope had never tasted bitterness.
One night, when the snow fell softly outside our window, we were cuddled up in front of the fire, watching the orange waves licking the logs. It had been a couple of months since we last made love, and it didn’t seem to bother either one of us. We were content in each other’s company, but there was no fire there. No need to possess each other. Not like before.
“I love you,” he said, facing me.
I smiled at him. “I love you, too.”
He leaned forward… almost hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure if it was what he wanted.
I wasn’t sure either.
When his lips found mine, they stayed, unmoving, as we breathed against each other. Slowly, he laid me down, resting his weight between my legs. He was familiar in all the ways he’d always been, but my body didn’t zing the way it used to. His weight didn’t send shivers down my spine. It was just… comfortable.
He kissed me a little deeper, his tongue smoothing over mine, and I waited for the heat to return. For my hands to move on their own, like a muscle memory, returning to the shape we used to be.
But they didn’t.
Neither did his.
Tears pooled behind my eyes. Swam within his.
He rolled over, pulling me into his arms as we shed those silent tears.
Those sad tears.
Those good-bye tears.
The call to my parents wasn’t an easy one. I spent a good half hour pacing around my cell phone, trying to formulate what to say. Jack just watched, patient, not saying anything, because what could he say? We were divorcing. The one word I never thought would ever be in my vocabulary.
After feeling like I wore a hole in the floor, I huffed and picked up my phone. I’d come this far sticking up for myself. What was one more time?
“Hello, dear,” Mom said on the other end.
“Hi, Mom.”
“What’s wrong?” she said immediately. She heard it in my voice.
“I need you to… I need you to just listen, okay? You’re not going to like what I have to say, but I’m asking you to respect me and my wishes.”
“Okay,” she dragged out, sounding unsure.
“Jack and I are getting a divorce.” A sharp gasp of breath. “Now, I know this isn’t something you or Dad approves of, but it’s what’s best for us. Our marriage is over. It has been for a while now, and we owe it to ourselves to get back out there and find happiness.
“I don’t expect you to understand, but just know we gave it our all. We tried. And now, it’s time for us to move on.”
There was a long pause of silence.
“Mom?”
“I’m here.”
Jack was watching me with concern. I shrugged my shoulders, waiting for the lecture that was sure to come.
“I’m proud of you,” she finally said, her voice quiet.
I felt my eyebrows press together. Had I heard her right?
“You’ve always been strong, Corinne. You’ve always known what you wanted out of life, and you went for it. If your marriage is over, and you both have tried, then I give you my blessing. No use spending your days unhappy.”
“Mom?”
“I never left your father because I had you, Corinne. I wanted the best life possible for you, both parents under the same roof. But I’ve never wanted that life for you. If you have a chance to find happiness, then you need to take it. Your father and I… we’ve found our chunk of it in our older years.”
“Mom, I didn’t—”
“I know, dear.” A pause. “I love you, Corinne.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“Where will you stay?”
I chewed on my lip. “Well, I’m… I haven’t thought that part out yet. I’ll probably rent a place in the city. I don’t kn—”
“Nonsense,” she said, cutting me off. “Come stay with us. Let us help you get back on your feet.”
“Mom, I—”
“I won’t take no for an answer. Besides, it will be good to spend some time with your parents. We aren’t getting any younger, and I’m sure that friend of yours would love to have you back in town.”
Macy definitely would.
“Now, I have to let you go. I have a roast in the oven your father’s been griping at me about all day. Give my best to Jack. I’ll pass the news onto your father. We’ll get everything set up for your stay. Just keep me posted.”
“Okay,” I said, letting life move for me.
“Okay then. Bye-bye.”
My mouth hung open as I ended the call. I plopped down next to Jack. He put his arm around me.
“That good?”
“She’s… she’s okay with it.”
He chuckled, his hand across his chest. “Ouch.”
I managed a small smile. “Not like that,” I said, laughing.
He squeezed me. “I know, Rinny. I know.”
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Jack asked as he stood in the doorway, watching me pack the last of my bags. The rest of my stuff had been shipped to storage until I found a place of my own.
“Yes,” I said, laughing a little. “You’ve asked me that three times already.”
“I just want to be sure, Corinne. This is… it’s a big move.”
“I know,” I said, my heart cracking. “But my parents are going to help me get my ideas off the ground. It might be a few steps back, but that’s what family is for.”
We had been split up for a couple weeks, living more as roommates than as husband and wife. A weight had been lifted from us after that night. The elephant gone from the room. Our therapist said it was normal to feel that way. Growth sometimes pulled people in opposite directions, and the sooner a couple could realize that, the happier they’d be in the long run. We were one of the rare few who could separate without resentment on either side. Maybe it was because of the circumstance that led us there. The love we found outside of each other that pushed us toward the realization that we were never really right for each other.
“It’s weird,” he said, handing me a few of my shirts.
“I know,” I admitted.
“Are you going to go to him?”
I gave him a look. A part of the reason why things were working was because we decided not to discuss what came next for us outside of each other. We had to respect each other’s space. Let the possessive side of marriage go.
He smirked. “You know me… always breaking the rules.”
I zipped my bag, and then moved to set it by the front door. The cab was supposed to be there any moment, ready to carry me into the next chapter of my life. He walked me to the door. Stood behind me as I sat on the windowsill, waiting.
“I don’t regret it,” he said.
“What?”
“Us.”
His one-word admittance felt like a warm hug.
“I don’t either,” I said. I stood and hugged him, knowing this would be the last intimate moment between us. The last time I’d peer into his eyes, still tied to him by a piece of paper.
>
“Thank you,” he said, blinking, trying to hide his misted emotions.
“For?”
“Putting up with me. Humoring me. For never giving up on me.”
I kissed his cheek. A horn honked outside.
I stepped back.
“Well…”
He smiled. Ran his hand over my cheek. “So long.”
My heart beat one final beat for him, and then I headed out the front door.
Out of his life, and into one that was my own.
Chapter 31
Corinne
I spent my first few weeks learning how to be on my own. Not answering to anyone. Not thinking about anyone other than myself. It was strange, not having someone to care for. Someone to check in with or worry about. I’d grown so used to living for Jack that I didn’t even know how to live for myself.
I felt like a young adult, stumbling through my days fresh out of high school.
Slowly, I came and went as I pleased. Took pleasure in the trivial things most took for granted. I bought foods that I liked. Watched the channels I felt like watching. I even got a cat because I wanted one.
He was all black, the sweetest creature I’d ever met. His purr was soft and warm. He loved cuddling, and it made the nights alone feel less lonely. I named him Chance…to remind me to continue doing just that… take chances.
I hadn’t realized how much of a prisoner I felt like inside my marriage. How comfortable I’d become sitting in the backseat.
I was set up in the garage out back that had been converted into a mother-in-law suite long ago. It was weird at first… being so close to them again. Sharing meals without Jack beside me. Dad loved having me home. It was odd seeing how different things were between them. In his old age, Dad had finally settled, and the love he’d come to realize with Mom was evident. He looked at her as if she were his pearl, and it made my heart expand with hope.
Made me think that maybe happy endings were still possible.
I saved every dollar I could, and put all my nights into shaping what kind of interior decorating business I wanted to run. Trying to form my brand. I thought about getting in touch with Cole, but every time I did, I remembered that last look in his eyes. Told myself I’d be a fool for thinking he’d waited for me. I’d never expect that of him.
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