Ray of Life

by E. L. Todd

  I suspected this description derived from her relationship with Zeke. I’d seen them together, and I knew that’s exactly how their relationship was. They played a tough game of basketball, got burgers and fries, and then headed home to play behind closed doors. Rae and I never had a relationship quite like that. It was more intense, heavily based on sex and little else. It could have been much different if I just let her in.

  But I didn’t.

  I let Austen in a lot more, and now I had to do even better. There was something about her that forced my walls to come down. I was pretty certain I had the exact same effect on her. We’d only known each other for a short period of time, but it somehow felt like forever. “I’ll take your advice.”

  “Good. It can’t do you wrong.”

  “Better not. I can’t let this guy win.”

  “He doesn’t deserve to win, Ryker. You’re by far the better man.”

  “You haven’t met the guy.” I was totally straight, but I couldn’t ignore his good looks. He had a solid build, a chiseled jawline, and handsome eyes. He was a serious competitor in the looks department.

  “I don’t need to meet the guy. What he did to her was just wrong. She never should have forgiven him in the first place.”

  I thought her statement was pretty ironic.

  She must have read my mind because she said. “What happened with Zeke was totally different. This guy cheated on her with her best friend and then kept doing it behind her back. He never came clean about it. You shouldn’t judge a man based on his mistakes, but on his honesty.”

  “You sound like a fortune cookie right now.”

  “Shut up, jackass,” she said with a laugh. “I’m trying to help you.”

  “I need all the help I can get for this one.” If I lost Austen, I would never find anyone else again. It was a miracle I met another incredible woman after I lost Rae. It was one in a million that would happen once, but twice? It definitely wouldn’t happen a third time.

  I had to win.

  “Maybe I can talk to her. You know, woman to woman.”

  That wouldn’t do any good. “She’s insanely jealous of you.”

  Rae took a moment before she could respond. “Of me?” she asked in surprise. “Are you serious? I live with my boyfriend and two dogs. I dress like a bum at work, and I can’t cook for shit.”

  “She doesn’t care about that.”

  “I’ve seen this girl. I’ve got nothing on her in the looks department.”

  Rae was beautiful, but Austen definitely had unique qualities. I loved her little nose, her beautiful eyes, and those soft cheeks. Not to mention, her body was unbelievable. “As long as I still have feelings for you, she’ll always be jealous. I don’t blame her. I feel the same way about Nathan.”

  Rae side-stepped the awkward topic and moved on. “You won’t have feelings for me much longer. They’ll fade quickly. It took me about four months to get over you, and you’re almost there.”

  I’d never forget the way I broke her heart. I knew the aftermath was deadly. She was depressed for months, but she still had enough love in her heart to come to my father’s funeral. I didn’t know anyone else who would have the strength to do that. “We’ll see.”

  “You can do it, Ryker. With a woman like that in your life, you’ll forget all about me soon enough.”

  7

  Austen

  Nathan walked me home with his hands shoved into his front pockets. We hadn’t said more than two words to each other after my conversation with Ryker outside. It was one of the tensest moments we ever shared.

  We entered my building then took the stairs to my floor.

  Still no conversation.

  When we arrived at my door, there was no other option but to face each other.

  To look at each other.

  Nathan made eye contact with me, and the annoyance was hidden deep inside his gaze. He did his best to hide it, but there was no way to mask his feelings. His shoulders were tenser than usual, and he lacked conversation. “That was a good game.”

  “Yeah…pretty close too.”

  He looked down the hallway even though there was nothing to look for.

  As much as we didn’t want to talk about this, we had to. “You wanna come inside?”

  He slightly raised his eyebrows and pulled his hands from his pockets. “Sure.”

  I got the door unlocked, and we took a seat on the couch. Nathan sat on one end, and I sat on the other.

  “I’m sorry about tonight. I didn’t know he would be there.”

  “You don’t need to apologize,” he said. “I know he’s still present in your life. I probably would have gotten just as jealous if I saw you with him.”

  I felt like an adulteress juggling two guys at once like this. I hardly ever had one great guy in my life, but now I had two. “If you don’t want to do this, I wouldn’t blame you.” I wasn’t sure if I’d have the confidence to fight for a guy when another woman was doing the exact same thing.

  “After what I did to you, I have no right to complain. It doesn’t surprise me that some other guy has fallen in love with you.”

  “He’s not in love with me.” The detail didn’t matter, but I felt the need to say it.

  “Are you sure about that?” he said sarcastically. “Because men don’t fight over women unless they’re worth fighting for. And they’re only worth fighting for if they can’t live without them. And if he can’t live without you… You see where my logic is going.”

  The possibility made me feel good, but then I felt guilty immediately afterward. I couldn’t choose between two guys, so I wasn’t worthy of those feelings if that’s how he really felt. “I don’t think so. I know we have something special, but I don’t think his feelings exist on that level.”

  He shrugged. “Whatever you say. I wouldn’t put myself in this situation unless that’s how I felt.”

  Nathan just told me he loved me, and I wasn’t sure how to swallow it. He already knew I was still in love with him, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise.

  “I’m just grateful you’re giving me a chance at all…after what I did. I think we could have everything we were supposed to have if we make this work. That wedding at the Plaza…the house in Connecticut…everything.”

  I used to dream about those things all the time…until they were snatched away.

  Nathan leaned back into the cushion then looked at me. “Again, I don’t have anything to complain about. I’m just grateful I’m in the running at all.” He scooted closer to me on the couch then draped his arm around my shoulders. Then he leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. His mouth was closed but the embrace was still full of the kind of heat that crept up the back of my neck. My fingers felt numb, and the electricity I used to feel was still there—just like it used to be.

  “So, let me get this straight.” Madeline sat across from me at The Muffin Girl with her scone and coffee in front of her. “Two gorgeous men are fighting to be with you, and they’re okay with that?”

  “It was Ryker’s suggestion.” I would never ask two men to compete like this. Lots of women dated two guys at once, but that was usually in private. They figured out which one they liked more and then dumped the other. But in this case, both men were aware of the situation.

  “But still, that’s crazy. I’ve never experienced anything like that.”

  I had to stop myself from snorting. Jared was madly in love with her, and she was totally blind to that fact. I knew Liam and Jared would fight to the death to be with her. “I’m not a fan of the idea, but when Ryker asked me to decide right then and there, I couldn’t.”

  “Really?”

  I shook my head.

  “Because it seems like Ryker is pretty perfect…”

  He was perfect in a lot of ways. He was gorgeous, obviously. He had his shit together. He was funny, smart, and knew the female anatomy pretty damn well. Other than the fact he’d been devastated with heartbreak, he didn’t have a single flaw�
��except the fact he was in love with another woman. “Rae is still on his mind.”

  “And Nathan is on yours. I think it’s perfect.”

  “But that’s not exactly romantic.”

  “What are you talking about?” She picked at her muffin and popped a piece into her mouth. “You guys are going to bang each other so hard until you both stop thinking about your exes. Sounds awesome to me.”

  “Maybe if I didn’t have this lingering hope for Nathan, it would be different.”

  Madeline tried to hide her annoyance at my response but she failed. “I’m trying not to be one of those judgmental friends who tells you what to do…but this doesn’t make any sense to me. Nathan cheated—period.”

  I absolutely agreed. “I know.”

  “If you know, why are you bothering with him?”

  It made me pathetic. It made me weak. I wasn’t denying any of that. “I’ve never stopped loving him. For the past few years, I was still devastated over what happened. When you fall in love like that…it’s hard to move on. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and—”

  “I think you’re trying to chase that happiness you used to have. You know, before he left you. I think that’s the last time you’ve ever been truly happy, so you’re trying to recreate it. But he did leave. He did cheat. You can’t go back in time, Austen.” She kept her voice steady so she wouldn’t sound so bossy. “I know I don’t understand because I’ve never been in this situation. And I know how much you loved the guy. I’m not trying to make you feel bad or put you down, but I really think this Nathan thing is a mistake. I’m trying to be supportive, but it’s difficult when I see a great guy like Ryker within reach. Maybe if you guys really gave it a chance, he could make you happier than you ever were with Nathan.”

  I doubted that. When we were engaged and everything was perfect, I was on top of the world. I couldn’t wait to come home to Nathan.

  “Besides, what will your parents say if you do take him back?”

  They wouldn’t be happy at all.

  “And you know your friends aren’t on board with it either.”

  “I appreciate your concern, Maddie. But I shouldn’t make my decisions based on your approval.” Her opinion meant a lot to me, but I couldn’t be logical when it came to love. I thought with my heart and not my brain.

  “I get that. But I really think you’ll regret not picking Ryker.”

  “Why?”

  “I see you and Nathan starting over, but once that initial rush wears off, you’ll realize nothing has changed. You’ll miss Ryker and all the things he used to give you, but by then, it’ll be too late. I just don’t want you to make a mistake, that’s all. You’ve already been hurt enough. I don’t want you to experience any more pain.”

  I knew Madeline always had my best interest at heart. “I know. I have some time to think about it, so who knows what will happen.”

  Ryker invited me over for dinner, so I arrived at his door in a new dress I got that afternoon. I knew there would be no sex for the next thirty days, and the idea of going through such a long dry spell didn’t sound appealing in the least.

  He opened the door in just his sweatpants. “Hey, Stone Cold.”

  Was he trying to torture me? His body was nothing but chiseled muscle. The grooves and lines were nothing but beautiful shadows. My fingers remembered exactly how his warm flesh used to feel. My tongue remembered how he used to taste. “Hey…” I couldn’t think of anything better to say, not when he opened the door looking like that.

  “Come on in. The pizza just arrived.”

  “Pizza?” I stepped inside and saw the box on the counter. I could smell the grease and the cheese.

  “Yep. Pepperoni, just the way you like it.”

  “I thought you said that was too plain?”

  He shrugged. “Plain has grown on me.” He put two slices on the plate and handed it over. “What do you want to drink? I just picked up a six-pack of Coke.”

  “You know I can’t turn down a soda.”

  He grinned in that handsome, charming way. It was the kind that reached his eyes, giving them a playful glow. “I know my lady very well.” He grabbed a can from the fridge, not breaking his stride like the possessive comment he just made was acceptable.

  Once we had our pizza and drinks, we sat on the couch. He usually had a beer, but this time, he opted for a Coke so we could match. “What are we watching?” Even when he sat down, his toned body still looked perfect. His gut didn’t hang over like mine did. He didn’t have any kind of gut at all.

  “You know I’m easy to please.”

  He grinned like he took my words in a different way. He grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels. “There’re no good games on. How about something goofy?”

  “Goofy, huh?”

  “How about Dumb and Dumber?”

  “I love that movie. Who doesn’t?”

  “Not a single person.” He put the movie on then ate his pizza beside me.

  His shirtless body was distracting. “Do you always eat shirtless?”

  “Only when I’m trying to impress you.”

  “You impress me with a shirt on too.”

  “But I’m in the middle of a war right now. I have to use all the big guns.”

  Nathan was just as sexy. Either one of them could be on a pin-up calendar. I’d dated a lot of average guys, but Nathan and Ryker were truly exceptional. “Well, your guns are very big.”

  “Too bad I can’t show you my biggest one.” He kept eating like he didn’t just mention his package.

  “I’ve already seen it… I know it’s big.” When I thought about Ryker naked, it curbed my appetite and made me think about things I shouldn’t. We weren’t supposed to have sex, so I couldn’t let my mind stray down that path. My legs needed to be locked together.

  Ryker finished his pizza and tossed the plate on the coffee table. His arm moved around my shoulders, and he moved close to me on the couch. He turned his head and looked down at me, the smell of his after shave coming into my nose. A slight smile was on his lips. “How was your day?”

  “Good. I tripped in the break room and splashed coffee all over myself.”

  He chuckled. “And you classify that as a good day?”

  “I had an extra sweatshirt in my office, so I just pulled that on.”

  “Why did you trip?”

  “I usually wear running shoes when I’m on my treadmill desk. But I changed into my heels and I wasn’t used to them, so I tripped on the carpet and dropped my coffee cup.”

  He pulled me closer into him and pressed a kiss to my temple. “It happens to the best of us.”

  “Actually, I don’t think it happens to anyone. I’m just clumsy sometimes.”

  “I’ve fallen a few times.”

  I eyed him incredulously.

  “Okay, maybe I haven’t. But I’m supposed to make you feel better about it. That’s what friends do.” His hand moved into my hair, and he gently played with the strands. His fingertips were warm, and they always touched me in the perfect way.

  “I thought friends tease each other?”

  “They do that too. But I’m hoping we can make out during this movie, so I’m on my best behavior.”

  I smiled when I wished I wouldn’t, feeling his fingers still dig into me. “You know I’ll make out with you even if you’re a total jerk.”

  “Because I’m hot?”

  “Because you’re arrogant, but hot.”

  “Awesome.” He leaned into me and gave me a spontaneous kiss. His coarse facial hair rubbed against my soft cheek, and I loved the rough way it brushed against me. When he shaved his face, he looked clean and handsome. But I liked the beard too, the rugged woodsmen look.

  His kiss was just as passionate as it’d always been, but it felt different somehow. The way his mouth expressed his urgency was unbelievably sexy. He kissed me like I was the only woman in the world he wanted to be with. His fingers dug into my hair and he gently wrapped the
strands around his fist so he had a good grip.

  My hands automatically moved to his bare chest, that impressive body I loved to feel against mine. Now I wished we were in his bed, his naked and sweaty body right on top of mine. My hand reached his shoulder, and I pressed my fingertips into his skin, feeling the powerful muscle that shifted directly underneath. My lips trembled when I needed to take a breath. I didn’t want to stop kissing him, even for a second, but I needed to breathe.

  Ryker slowly lowered me onto the couch until my back hit the cushions. He separated my knees with his then pressed his body right against mine. His hard-on was defined through his sweatpants, and it dug right against my throbbing clitoris.

  Why the hell did I agree to the no sex rule?

  Ryker held his weight on his arms and slowly grinded against me, pressing his cock in the perfect spot to make me writhe.

  My arms moved around his waist and under his back, and the sensual kiss he gave me turned my brain into mush. All my thoughts were physical and carnal. I missed having him between my legs, stretching me the way every man should stretch his woman. “Ryker…”

  “Sweetheart, I love it when you say my name.” He broke our kiss and rubbed his nose against mine, his intense expression burning right into me. He grinded into me harder, stimulating my clit like he knew exactly what he was doing.

  I was going to come.

  I was dry-humping like a teenager, and I was actually going to come.

  Ryker was either a sex god, or I was just insanely attracted to him.

  My nails dug into his powerful arms as I held on to him, rocking with him as I felt the intense heat circulating through my veins and heading for the area right between my legs. Our lips touched, and I breathed into his mouth, just as we did during sex. Except we weren’t having sex at all.

  The sensation hit me hard, making me cry out and dig my nails harder into his skin. My heart skipped a beat because it couldn’t keep up with the blood that I needed. I arched my back and grinded into him harder. “Oh god…”