Heart of Winter

by Diana Palmer

  She tossed and turned all night, thinking about the ironies of her life. Even if nothing else had come out of this trip, at least she’d made peace with her father. But she wished that Winthrop could have returned just a little of the feeling she had for him. Her heart was going to break in two when she walked out that door Monday morning. And Winthrop wouldn’t even miss her. On that thought, she cried herself to sleep.

  Chapter Ten

  It was as if Nicky’s impulsive action had brought a wall down between herself and Winthrop. He wasn’t around the next morning when Gerald and Sadie and Nicky got into the Lincoln to go to church in Butte. He wasn’t around when they got back, either, and Gerald remarked on it, because Winthrop almost always went to church.

  The day wore on, and Nicky got her things packed since they were leaving early the next morning. The corporation jet was scheduled to pick them up about eight.

  Gerald spent all his free time with Sadie, finalizing their wedding plans. A special plane was taking Mrs. Todd to Florida that afternoon, so that she could make the flight in luxurious comfort. Gerald had arranged everything, and Mrs. Todd was enthusing about her future son-in-law to anyone who had time to listen.

  Since there was a chance that Winthrop might show up, Nicky stayed behind when Gerald and Sadie drove Mrs. Todd to the airport. But Winthrop was still missing.

  “Gone hunting, he said,” Mary told her with a curious glance. “Funny thing, to see him hunt on Sunday when he curses if others do same.”

  “He’s avoiding me,” Nicky murmured.

  “Thought as much. What did you do?”

  “He was telling me all the reasons I ought not to get involved with him and I agreed, that’s all,” Nicky sighed.

  Mary grinned from ear to ear. “Just like man, to state truth and then get mad when others agree.”

  “I suppose he’ll never speak to me again.” Nicky was remembering their talk. Perhaps he’d been trying to say something and she hadn’t given him the chance. Either way, she’d never know now. She was going home and he wouldn’t follow. Most likely, he’d be glad to be rid of her.

  “Winthrop is deep,” Mary said unexpectedly. “Hard man to predict.” She glanced at Nicky. “But be sure that he thinks before he acts. Weighs the odds. He is surefooted.”

  “I used to think I was, too,” Nicky said. “But I’m not anymore.”

  “Give it time.”

  “Now that,” she replied, “I have plenty of. What’s for supper?”

  “Something different,” Mary told her secretively. “Old family recipe. You’ll like it.”

  “But what is it?”

  Mary leaned forward. “Moussaka.”

  “You’re putting me on,” Nicky laughed.

  “Had Greek uncle. Taught me to make it, eggplant and all. Nice change of pace.”

  “I’ll bet!”

  “Here.” She handed over the utensils. “Set the table. No doubt Gerald and Sadie will be late. They have much to discuss.”

  “They’ll make a happy couple.”

  “Yes.”

  Since there was no more reply than that, Nicky went about her business and began to set the table in the dining room. And all the while she wondered where Winthrop had gone and why he hadn’t come home. She had so little time left here. It was going to be agonizing to go off and leave him, and here he was wasting precious minutes they might have spent together. But why should he care, she reminded herself. He didn’t trust her. He might want her, but he didn’t love her. He’d said himself that love was an illusion. Besides that, he didn’t ever want to marry. So why bother about him?

  She finished the place settings and put napkins all around. At least her nice boss was going to come out ahead, she thought. Gerald would marry Sadie and have a perfectly wonderful life while Nicky grew old taking dictation. It didn’t bear thinking about.

  Maybe she could do what she’d threatened Winthrop with—get married and have children. Sure. Nothing easier. First, she had to find a man. And who could measure up to old stone face?

  Even as she was asking herself the question, the kitchen door opened suddenly and Winthrop came in with something furry by the tail.

  Mary stared, but Nicky went forward. “Oh,” she exclaimed. “A wounded squirrel! Wait, I’ll rush and get a bandage!”

  “Oh, for God’s sake,” Winthrop ground out. He slid the squirrel onto the sink for Mary to deal with and glared at Nicky as he eased out of his sheepskin jacket and hat, dumping them untidily on the floor.

  “There ought to be a law against shooting unarmed squirrels,” Nicky muttered for something to say.

  Winthrop went to the sink to wash his hands, ignoring her.

  “Nice squirrel,” Mary defended him. “Plump. Make good stew.”

  “I’ll bet he was somebody’s daddy,” Nicky murmured.

  “You’re breaking my heart,” Winthrop said nonchalantly. He dried his hands on a towel and looked straight at her. “Where’s Gerald?”

  Her heart was beating double time, but she wasn’t about to let him know it. “He and Sadie drove Mrs. Todd to the airport. She left for Florida today.”

  “I know. I said goodbye before I went out. What’s for dinner?” he asked Mary.

  “Moussaka.”

  “That stuff with eggplant?” He made a face. “Whatever happened to beef and potatoes?”

  “Need change of pace.”

  “No, I don’t,” he argued. “I like having the same thing every day. It gives me a sense of security.”

  “Then why go out and kill an innocent squirrel when you really wanted a steak?” Nicky asked.

  “He wasn’t innocent,” he replied. “I have it on good authority that he was a rounder with unspeakable taste in women squirrels.”

  “Well, in that case, let’s all eat him,” Nicky agreed.

  Winthrop actually grinned at her. She had to spoil it all by blushing.

  “Sit down. I will bring the dishes,” Mary told them.

  Winthrop motioned for Nicky to go ahead, and even pulled out her chair for her.

  “I’m impressing you with my manners,” he informed her.

  “Are you really?” She smiled vacantly. “When do you begin?”

  “Watch it, Kentucky girl.” He sat back in his chair and studied her intently while Mary brought in the main course, followed by rolls, vegetables and fruit.

  “We leave tomorrow,” she said when they all three were seated and enjoying Mary’s exotic dish.

  “Yes.” He didn’t seem disturbed. But when he finished his meal, he lit a cigarette. That was the first time Nicky remembered seeing him with one since her early days at the ranch.

  “Bad smell,” Mary scowled at him. “Why you do that? Thought you quit.”

  “I quit several times a month,” he reminded her. “I’ll start quitting again tomorrow.”

  Mary shrugged as she got up to fetch the coffee pot for refills. “Your lungs, not mine.”

  “Thank you so much,” he said with a mocking smile.

  Mary hit him on her way to the kitchen.

  “You sure are cheerful tonight,” Nicky remarked. “It wouldn’t be because I’m getting out of your hair tomorrow?”

  “The thought did cross my mind.”

  “I’ll bet it did.”

  She sipped her coffee and he stared at her for so long that her heart began to run wild and her breathing became quick and labored. She gripped the cup tighter so that he wouldn’t see how badly her hands were trembling.

  “You aren’t limping,” she said suddenly, shocking herself with the flat statement. But he hadn’t been. He’d been walking straight and steady.

  “I’ve been practicing,” he replied easily. He tapped the ashes into an ashtray. “Nice of you to notice.”

  “Are you going to cut Mary off by auditioning for the Rockettes yourself?” she asked demurely.

  “I’d never pass muster,” he replied. “My legs are too hairy.”

  “Ah, well, another
career shot to hell by lack of a straight razor.”

  “Cute.” He chuckled softly.

  “Thank you, my mother always said I was.”

  “How did she die?” he asked unexpectedly, and stared at her until she was forced to answer.

  “She fell into the swimming pool and drowned during a party,” Nicky told him, and the dark memory was reflected in her eyes. “Nobody even noticed, can you imagine? She fell in front of two dozen people and drowned right there. And nobody noticed.”

  Something in her expression caught his eye. “And where were you when it happened?”

  Her face drew in. “Haven’t you guessed?” she asked in a faint whisper and forced a smile. “I was one of the two dozen people who didn’t notice….”

  He got up without haste, crushing out the cigarette in the ashtray and pulled her up into his arms. “Stupid,” he accused, drawing her close to him. “Holding it in like that, never telling anyone.”

  “I didn’t see her,” she wept. “Winthrop, I didn’t see her. I was dancing with Chase and I never even looked. Not until someone screamed….”

  “Your father?”

  “He wasn’t around. I guess we both had our share of guilt over it, wondering if we could have saved her if we hadn’t been so caught up in the glitter.” Her hand came up to wipe away a tear. “She was so unhappy. And so alone.”

  “We’re all alone,” he replied quietly. “Some more than others.”

  She looked up at him, searching his dark eyes. “Do you remember your mother?”

  He smiled. “Very well. She and my father were deeply in love. It never faded, all the long years.” He touched her face lightly. “I was looking for something similar. I found Deanne instead.”

  “All women are not like Deanne,” she said doggedly.

  His thumb rubbed lazily across her lips. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  “Cynic,” she burst out, exasperated. “You’re scared to death to find out.”

  His eyebrows arched. “I like not having my heart used for target practice. Which reminds me—your father said you were something of a markswoman.”

  “I used to be,” she corrected. His thumb caressing her mouth was disturbing. “I used to ride, too. But I’m out of practice.”

  “You might come back with Gerald for the wedding,” he said abruptly. “I could give you a refresher course.”

  Her heartbeat increased. But even as she heard him say the words, she knew that the minute she left the ranch, he’d forget her. She’d be out of his thoughts. His offer was just a sugar pill—something to keep her happy until she left. He didn’t mean it.

  “That would be nice,” she said, without any real conviction.

  “Nicky…”

  Whatever he was about to say was lost, because Mary came back in with the coffee pot and didn’t lift an eyebrow at the two of them practically standing in each other’s arms.

  “More coffee?” she offered, and the spell was broken.

  Winthrop watched Nicole for the rest of the meal, and then Gerald and Sadie came back, and the conversation centered on the wedding. Bedtime came and there wasn’t a single opportunity for any more discussion. Nicky went to bed halfheartedly, more disappointed than she could ever remember being. She loved Winthrop, but he was making it patently obvious that he didn’t return that feeling. But, then, what had she expected?

  The next morning, before she had time to plan what she was going to say, she and Gerald were in the Jeep with Mike and being driven to the airport. Winthrop was long gone, apparently out hunting again. Nicky didn’t even get to say goodbye to him before she flew back toward Chicago.

  Chapter Eleven

  Back at work, Nicky found herself haunted by a particularly vivid ghost. Winthrop drifted around in her thoughts constantly so that she couldn’t eat or sleep or rest. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t have managed the time to say goodbye to her. Of course, there was always the possibility that he was simply indifferent.

  She was a nervous wreck by the time Thursday rolled around. Gerald was equally anxious, all thumbs as he waited for the driver to take him to the airport. And tomorrow was the wedding at the ranch.

  “Why aren’t you packed and ready?” Gerald asked suddenly, as if it had only occurred to him that Nicky wasn’t coming.

  “I’m not going,” she said quietly.

  “But why not?” he asked, and smiled. “Winthrop invited you, didn’t he?”

  “I suppose he felt obliged to,” Nicky confessed. She sighed heavily. “You see, I…well, I kind of…I told him I loved him,” she concluded, and went scarlet. She buried her face in her hands while Gerald gaped at her. “Of all the stupid things I ever did, that was by far the stupidest. He told me right up front that he didn’t want commitment. I should have listened.”

  “Oh, Nicky,” he murmured. He patted her shoulder awkwardly. “Nicky, I’m so sorry. With all due respect, you could have found a more approachable man. Winthrop has too many scars and he’s lived completely alone for so long…. I’m just really sorry. If I’d thought anything like this would happen, I’d never have forced you into going to Montana with me.”

  “It’s not your fault,” she reminded him. “I didn’t have to go.” She forced a smile. “But I can’t quite manage the wedding. I hope you understand. Having to be around him, and having him know how I feel…I just couldn’t bear the embarrassment.”

  “I’ll make some kind of excuse for you. Don’t worry.” He studied her worriedly. “You’ll be all right?”

  “Sure I will. I thought I might go and spend the weekend with my father. Christmas is coming up in three weeks.”

  “So it is.” He patted her shoulder again. “Can you cope while I’m on honeymoon?”

  “You bet, boss,” she said brightly.

  “Okay. Well…” The driver appeared in the door and announced that he was ready when Gerald was.

  “Kiss Sadie for me,” Nicky said.

  “I’ll do that with pleasure. You’ll have to come over for supper one night when we get back in town.”

  “That would be nice.”

  “I’ll see you soon, Nicky.”

  “Yes, sir.” She smiled, and waved goodbye to him.

  She wanted to go to the wedding. It would have been heaven to stand and look at Winthrop just once more. But she’d do better to get him out of her mind, and going back to the ranch would only open old wounds. She’d had enough torment. And he’d never led her on. He’d told her exactly how he felt, so if her heart was broken she could only blame herself.

  She settled back into the office routine the next day, fielding questions and phone calls and correspondence with a flair that would have pleased her absent boss.

  She wasn’t prepared for the phone to ring and an angry, irritated Winthrop to be on the other end of the line.

  “Where in hell are you?” he demanded coldly.

  She stared at the phone as if it had grown teeth. “I’m…here. Working,” she faltered.

  “You were invited to the wedding,” he reminded her.

  “Yes, I know.”

  “Then why aren’t you here?”

  She stared at her feet. “I didn’t want to come,” she said in a ghostly tone.

  “I don’t bite,” he grumbled. “And I hadn’t intended to drag you off into the underbrush.”

  “I know that,” she moaned. She bit her lower lip. “I made a fool of myself,” she said after a minute, almost choking on the words. “I…couldn’t face you.”

  There was a pregnant pause. “Made a fool of yourself? How?”

  She twisted the cord around her fingers. “I threw myself at you like a lovesick teenager.”

  “Was I complaining?” he asked unexpectedly.

  “I know how you feel about women.”

  “Do you?” he asked in bemusement. “I’d planned to take you hunting with me.”

  Her heart leaped. “Had you?”

  “Your father tells me you can handle a .30-.30 wi
th the best of them,” he added. “I thought we’d hunt deer.”

  “I would have liked that.”

  “It’s not too late,” he reminded her. “Gerald could send the plane for you.”

  She closed her eyes and prayed for strength. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Winthrop.”

  “Why not, for God’s sake?”

  “Because I can’t live on dreams,” she burst out. “And the sooner I face it, the better off I’ll be. I know you mean well, but it…it tears the heart out of me, that’s all. I won’t come.”

  She hung up quickly, before he could talk her into going to Montana. He was offering her comfort, but he didn’t realize the torment it would cause her. Loving him, being near him, and knowing he didn’t care for her would have been the last straw.

  All the rest of the day she expected him to call back. But he didn’t. And she went to Kentucky and spent the weekend with a surprised and very different father. They talked, she and Carol went shopping, and when the time came to go back to Chicago, she was frankly reluctant to go.

  “This has been fun,” her father remarked, grinning. “We’ll have to have a big Christmas this year. I’ll get a tree and everything.”

  “And we’ll have a party,” Carol added, clinging to his arm with real affection. “Nicky needs to meet some men her own age. I know at least one with a good character I could invite.” She glanced at Nicky ruefully. “Notice I didn’t say with money—just with character.

  “Yes, and I appreciate that,” Nicky grinned back. She liked Carol. The more she saw of the redhead, the more depth she found in the other woman.

  “Come home for Christmas,” her father coaxed. “We’ll have a big time.”

  It would at least keep her mind off Winthrop. “All right,” she agreed, smiling. “I’ll plan on it. See you in a couple of weeks, then.”

  “I’ll send a plane up to get you,” he grinned.

  She went back to her apartment feeling vaguely happy. But the bubble burst at work the next morning. Becky was waiting in her office with a cold message from Winthrop.