The Perfect Pet

by M. C. Badger

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Copyright Page

  MARCUS TINKLER was used to his sisters doing strange things. After all, one of his sisters thought she was a turtle. (That was his younger sister, Turtle.) The other one thought if you planted a salami in the ground it would grow into a salami tree. (That was his older sister, Mila.) Sometimes, Marcus felt like he was the only normal one in his family.

  But let me tell you something:

  MARCUS wasn’t that NORMAL either.

  None of the Tinklers were.

  Their parents worked in a travelling circus, so the Tinkler children lived all by themselves in a flat at thirty-three Rushby Road. That’s not very normal, now, is it?

  On this particular morning, Marcus’s sister Mila was doing something very strange. She was leaning out the window of the Tinklers’ flat, waving a grabby hand around.

  Do you know what a grabby hand is? It’s a stick with a grabber on the end. Marcus invented it.

  The Tinklers often used the grabby hand to feed seed bread to the pigeons.

  But today, there wasn’t seed bread in the grabby hand. Today there was a banana.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Marcus asked Mila. ‘Pigeons don’t eat bananas.’

  ‘I know that,’ said Mila. ‘Today I am trying to catch an African grey parrot.’

  ‘But Mila,’ said Marcus, ‘there aren’t any African grey parrots around here. African grey parrots live in Africa.’

  ‘I know that, too,’ said Mila. ‘But one might be here on holiday. Our city is a very nice place for birds to visit. There are lots of statues for them to sit on. There are also a lot of washing lines with clean laundry for them to poo on.’

  ‘Why do you want to catch an African grey parrot anyway?’ Marcus asked.

  ‘Because it’s time we got a pet,’ Mila said firmly.

  ‘Really?’ said Marcus. His eyes lit up. ‘It’s finally time?’

  Turtle had crawled into the room and was looking excited too. The Tinklers had wanted a pet for ages. But they also knew that children didn’t get pets easily – there were things they had to do first to show they were ready for one. Luckily Mila knew exactly what these things were.

  Mila said that for a whole month before getting a pet there were three rules you had to follow:

  The last one was the most important rule of all.

  If they fell over, they’d have to wait even longer before they could get a pet.

  Being good for a month was easy.

  Marcus did a GOOD job of breaking a vase by playing football inside.

  Mila did a GOOD job of using up the milk by spilling it on the kitchen bench.

  Turtle did a GREAT job boring grey TV look much prettier by painting it all over with nailpolish.

  Eating an extra bowl of ice-cream every day was a bit harder. The Tinklers already ate a lot of ice-cream. Sometimes they really didn’t feel they could fit in one more bowl. But if it meant they could get a pet, they knew it was worth it.

  Standing on one leg while they brushed their teeth was also pretty hard. But then Mila worked out that if you HOP while standing on one leg it’s much easier than standing still.

  ‘It’s easier to clean your teeth while hopping too,’ she pointed out. ‘You just hold the brush still and rub your teeth up against it as you jump.’

  Marcus had lost track of how long they had been doing these things. It felt like a very long time.

  Marcus had started to wonder if they would ever get a pet, so he was very pleased Mila said they were ready. But there was one thing he wasn’t sure about.

  ‘Do we have to get a parrot as a pet?’ he asked. ‘I want to get a dog. Dogs are friendly and loyal and fun to play with.’

  ‘Grey parrots make very good pets,’ said Mila. ‘They are super smart. You can teach them to do all kinds of things. If we had one, it could answer the phone for us.’

  ‘Well, I want a CAMEL as a pet,’ said Turtle. ‘Camels have three eyelids, one on top of the other. Animals with three eyelids make the best pets of all. And the best bit is that if we had a camel we could ride on it.’

  ‘I thought you were a turtle,’ said Marcus. ‘Turtles don’t have pets.’

  Turtle took a bite out of the lettuce leaf she was holding. ‘You are wrong, Marcus,’ she said. ‘Of course turtles have pets. You just never see them because we keep them inside our shells.’

  ‘How will you keep a camel in your shell?’ Marcus asked.

  Maybe now you can see why Marcus thought he was the only normal one in his family.

  ‘I have an idea,’ said Marcus. ‘Let’s go to the pet shop. There’s one just down the road. That will be a lot easier than trying to catch a pet out the window.’

  ‘But it costs money to buy a pet,’ said Mila.

  The Tinklers had a lot of their pocket money saved up. But Mila HATED spending it.

  ‘We don’t have to buy a pet this time,’ said Marcus. ‘We can just look and get some ideas.’

  Mila thought about this. ‘OK,’ she said after a minute. ‘That sounds like a good idea. And I will bring this with me too.’ She pulled the grabby hand back in through the window. It was still holding onto the banana. ‘Maybe we will find an African grey parrot on the way there.’

  BECAUSE THE TINKLERS lived on the thirty-third floor, they usually caught the lift when they were going out. Some days they liked to slide down the banister. But sometimes they went down a new way. Today was one of those days.

  ‘Let’s try out my new spring slide!’ said Marcus.

  This was Marcus’s latest invention. When it was on the ground it looked like a huge, flat doughnut. But when you held onto one end and put the other end out the window, it turned into a slide. A very LONG, very twisty slide.

  Now, most parents would tell their children that it was dangerous to go down a very long, very twisty slide. Especially if the slide was thirty-three storeys high. But, of course, the Tinklers’ parents were not around.

  ‘I’ll go first,’ said Marcus, ‘because I invented the slide.’

  ‘No, you can’t,’ said Mila. ‘It’s a rule.’

  Mila liked rules. She especially liked making them up.

  Marcus didn’t argue. He had only just finished putting the slide together that morning. Maybe the glue wasn’t dry. If Mila wanted to test it out, he didn’t mind!

  Mila climbed out the window and onto the slide.

  Around and around she went, holding the grabby hand out to one side. It took a very long time for her to pop out at the bottom.

  Marcus leant out the window and looked down at Mila.

  ‘How was it?’ he called down to her.

  ‘Great!’ Mila called back. ‘But I’m very dizzy now.’

  Marcus already knew that. He could tell from the way Mila was walking. She kept BUMPING into things.

  Turtle went next. She took off her cardboard-box shell and climbed into it.

  ‘Turtles always slide this way,’ she told Marcus. ‘It’s faster.’

  Turtle went even faster than Mila. Have you ever seen a dizzy turtle? It is very funny.

  Marcus went last, and soon he was down on Rushby Road with his sisters.

  The pet shop was only two blocks away, but Marcus knew it might take a long time to get there.

  Sometimes it took the Tinklers a long time to go places because Turtle wanted to crawl.

  Sometimes it took a long time because Mila said that it was ‘stop and chat with everyone we know’ day. That took forever because the Tinklers knew a lot of people.
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br />   Sometimes the problem was that the Tinklers were spotted by a Worried Adult.

  Now, the Tinklers were very good at looking after themselves. But when some people saw the Tinklers walking along without an adult, they got worried. They started asking questions like: Are you LOST?

  Or: WHERE are your PARENTS?

  But even when the Tinklers told them that they weren’t lost and that their parents worked in a circus, the adults never believed them. They always wanted to call the police. It was very annoying!

  Luckily, the Tinklers had worked out a good way of dealing with this. Marcus reminded his sisters about it now, because there was an older woman looking at them and Marcus was pretty sure she was a Worried Adult.

  ‘Look for someone who might be a mum,’ said Marcus.

  All three Tinklers looked around.

  ‘How about her?’ Mila spotted a lady walking along. She looked like she could be a nice mother. Perfect!

  The Tinklers Three sneaked up behind her. They didn’t get so close that the lady noticed them, but they made sure they were close enough to her that the Worried Adult might think she was their mum.

  It worked! The Worried Adult walked away.

  Once the Tinklers were around the corner, they relaxed and started talking about what kind of pet they wanted.

  ‘It has to be something friendly,’ said Marcus. ‘It should come when it’s called and it should sleep on the end of our beds.’

  ‘It needs to be big enough to ride on,’ said Turtle. ‘And it should be able to close its nostrils between breaths.’

  ‘No animal can do that!’ said Marcus.

  ‘A camel can,’ said Turtle.

  ‘Those are all good things,’ said Mila. ‘But you’ve forgotten the most important thing.’

  ‘What’s that?’ asked Marcus.

  ‘It must be a pet that can teach us tricks.’

  ‘You mean a pet that we can teach tricks to,’ corrected Marcus.

  Mila shook her head. ‘No, I don’t mean that at all. I want it to teach us stuff. If it’s a bird I want it to teach us how to fly. If it’s a fish I want it to show us how to stay underwater all day.’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Marcus. ‘I think it will be very hard to find a pet like that.’

  Suddenly Turtle stopped walking.

  ‘Why have you stopped?’ asked Marcus.

  ‘Because we are here,’ said Turtle.

  Marcus looked around and saw that Turtle was right. They were standing outside a shop. Written on the window was a sign:

  WHATEVER PET YOU WANT, WE HAVE IT.

  Mila smiled. ‘Do you see that, Marcus?’ she said, pointing at the sign. ‘It was a good idea to come here. We’ll definitely find the perfect pet in here.’

  THE SHOPKEEPER came over to the Tinklers as they walked in.

  ‘Hello!’ he said. ‘Can I help you?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Mila. ‘We are looking for the perfect pet.’

  ‘Well, this is the perfect place to find the perfect pet!’ said the shopkeeper. ‘Let me show you around.’

  The shopkeeper showed the Tinklers a lot of different animals. He showed them some puppies that were rolling around and trying to bite their tails. He showed them some soft little kittens, curled up together in a basket. He showed them some black and white mice, running around in a wheel so fast that their legs were a blur.

  Marcus thought all these pets were great. But Mila didn’t.

  ‘These pets are OK for other people,’ she said to the shopkeeper. ‘But we are the Tinklers and we need something different. We don’t just want an ordinary pet. Do you have any crocodiles? Or penguins? Even a silverback gorilla would be fine.’

  ‘Something with three eyelids would be best,’ added Turtle.

  The shopkeeper shook his head. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I don’t have any animals like that. But I do have one more pet here that I’m sure you will love.’

  He turned and called out to a teenage girl who was standing behind the shop counter. ‘Lucy, where is Miss Waffles?’

  ‘She’s here, Dad,’ the girl said. She bent down and picked up something from the ground. It was the biggest, FLUFFIEST rabbit Marcus had ever seen.

  Marcus looked at Mila as the girl walked over with Miss Waffles in her arms. Mila looked thrilled.

  ‘Oh!’ Mila said. ‘She’s just what I want! Look at her great big eyes and her adorable twitching nose!’

  The shopkeeper smiled. ‘I knew you’d love Miss Waffles.’

  But Mila shook her head. ‘I don’t mean that boring old rabbit,’ she said. ‘I mean HER!’ Mila flung her arms around the girl holding the rabbit.

  ‘She’s not a pet!’ said the shopkeeper. ‘She’s my daughter, Lucy.’

  ‘But she’s perfect for us!’ said Mila. ‘She can talk really well. And she came when you called her. She is just what we’re looking for.’

  ‘Can she close her nostrils between breaths?’ asked Turtle.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ said Mila, looking at the girl’s nose.

  ‘Well then, she’s not that perfect,’ said Turtle, grumpily.

  Marcus agreed with Turtle. ‘I’m sure she doesn’t want to be our pet, anyway.’

  Mila looked at Lucy. ‘You would LOVE to be our pet, wouldn’t you?’

  Lucy shrugged. ‘That depends. If I were your pet, what would I have to do? I don’t want to be your babysitter.’

  Mila looked horrified. ‘Of course you wouldn’t be our babysitter!’ she said. ‘We don’t need looking after.’

  ‘So what would I have to do?’

  ‘You should already know what pets do,’ said Mila. ‘You work in a pet shop, after all. All you have to do is be friendly and adorable.’

  ‘Well, I’m good at looking adorable,’ said Lucy. She tilted her head to one side and blinked her eyes a few times.

  Mila clapped her hands. ‘See? That’s perfect!’ she said. She grabbed Lucy by the hand. ‘Come on. Let’s go!’

  ‘Hang on,’ said Lucy, as though an idea had just struck her. ‘How much will you pay me?’

  ‘Pets don’t get paid!’ said Mila, sounding shocked. ‘But … I’ll buy you everything you need.’

  Lucy’s eyes gleamed. ‘Everything?’ she said slowly.

  Mila nodded. ‘Everything.’

  The shopkeeper still didn’t look pleased. ‘Lucy is not a pet!’ he said again. ‘Plus I need her to help me in the shop.’

  ‘Oh please, Dad,’ said Lucy. ‘It sounds like fun.’

  Then Marcus had an idea. ‘Maybe we could just borrow Lucy for the afternoon?’ he suggested. ‘It could be a trial run, just to see how it goes.’

  Lucy nodded. ‘That sounds like a great idea,’ she said.

  Mila thought about it. Then she nodded too. ‘Sure,’ she said.

  Finally the shopkeeper agreed. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘But this is the craziest idea I’ve ever heard.’

  ‘Really?’ said Mila, surprised. ‘I think it makes perfect sense.’

  MILA PULED Lucy along. ‘Come on, Pickles,’ she said. ‘It’s time to go.’

  Lucy gave her a funny look. ‘Why did you just call me Pickles?’ she asked. ‘My name’s Lucy.’

  ‘Not anymore,’ said Mila. ‘If you are our pet then you must be called Pickles. It’s one of our Tinkler rules.’

  Marcus had never heard this rule before.

  ‘Well, don’t say it too loudly,’ said Lucy. She didn’t look very happy about her new name.

  ‘Can we go outside now?’ asked Turtle.

  ‘Hey, I’ve got a great idea!’ said Mila. ‘Let’s take Pickles to the pet park.’

  The pet park was a special place just for people with pets. The Tinklers had always wanted to go there.

  Mila knelt down. ‘Hop up on my shoulder, Pickles,’ she said. ‘I’ll carry you there.’

  ‘No way!’ said Lucy.

  ‘But you have to!’ said Mila. ‘You’re my pet and you have to do what I say.’

  Mila looked mad.


  Lucy looked mad too.

  ‘You know what, Mila?’ said Marcus hastily. ‘Well-trained pets walk along beside their owners.’

  ‘Is that right?’ said Mila. ‘Well, of course Pickles is very well trained. She can walk along with us.’

  Marcus soon found out that there was one good thing about having a teenager as a pet: They had no problems at all with Worried Adults. In fact, no-one even looked twice at them now that they had Lucy with them!

  Maybe they think she is our babysitter, thought Marcus. He didn’t say this to Mila, though. He knew she wouldn’t like that one bit!

  Turtle had decided she wanted to crawl to the park. But after a couple of blocks she suddenly stopped.

  ‘I am too tired to a crawl any further,’ she said.

  ‘Why don’t you walk then?’ Marcus asked.

  ‘Because I am a turtle,’ said Turtle. ‘Turtles crawl.’

  ‘But you walked to the pet shop,’ Marcus pointed out.

  ‘That was different.’

  Marcus didn’t think it was different at all. But Turtle looked cranky. Have you ever tried arguing with a cross turtle? Here is some advice: DON’T BOTHER.

  ‘At the pet shop, if we ever need our turtles to go anywhere, we pick them up and carry them,’ said Lucy kindly. ‘Would you like me to carry you for a while?’

  Turtle nodded and reached up her arms. ‘You are a great pet, Pickles,’ she said.

  Marcus was starting to think the same thing.

  Lucy carried Turtle until they were almost at the park. Then she stopped and stared into a shop window.

  ‘Why have you stopped, Pickles?’ said Mila crossly. ‘We’re almost at the park.’

  ‘I need a new pair of shoes,’ said Lucy. She pointed to a pair in the shop window. ‘I like those ones.’

  Mila looked at the shoes and gasped. ‘They’re so expensive!’ she said.