Discount Armageddon

by Seanan McGuire

  I spared a glance toward Candy as I ran for the wall. She was still burning brightly, her two harrying servitors hanging back and hissing at her. There was another update for the rapidly evolving file on the dragon princesses. They might not be able to create or control flame, but they could encourage it to last longer than it should have. She’d been burning long enough that the vodka should definitely have been gone. The flames didn’t seem to mind the absence of an accelerant. They were perfectly content to leap and dance around her, consuming her clothing, and showing no signs of either dying out or spreading to the rest of the club.

  I vaulted over Istas as I made my way across the room, not pausing to see whether she was breathing. With no backup in the building and no clear escape route that would work for all three of us, I just had to keep fighting until she either woke up or the fight was over, one way or the other.

  When I reached the wall, I grabbed the nearest limply dangling flag and began pulling myself off the ground, scrambling upward with a speed that would have impressed my free running instructors. Most of the servitors were still in hot pursuit and, to make matters worse, the ones toward the rear of the pack were starting to get fuzzy around the edges. They didn’t seem capable of staying camouflaged when they were actually attacking, but they could sneak up while I couldn’t see them. This needed to end soon, or they were going to end it for me.

  I stopped halfway up the flag, wrapping one leg tight around the cloth and dangling like I was planning to audition for the next Cirque de Soleil show. I didn’t even wait to be certain that I was secure before pulling the revolvers from under my shirt and started firing into the swarm of servitors. The thunderous echoes of the gunshots blended with the relentless cheer of the blaring pop music, making it sound like some sort of really badly thought-out remix.

  Two servitors went down hard. I would have been pleased by the shift in the odds, if not for the two who’d been circling Candy suddenly deciding that I was a much more dangerous target. They turned from her to join the pack that was closing in on me, leaving me with fewer bullets and just as many targets in need of gunning down. I swore, firing twice more and felling a third servitor for my troubles. The one I’d kicked in the throat picked himself up off the ground and ran to join the fight.

  “Fuck,” I muttered, and took aim. This was looking bad. “Candy! Track two!” Aqua cut out, replaced by Pink. If I was going to get ripped apart, at least I wouldn’t need to be embarrassed by the song I used for my last dance. “Now get out of here! Run!”

  It was hard to make out any expression on her face, veiled as it was by the crackling flames. Still, I thought I saw her nod before she turned and fled for the hallway door, leaving me with the charging servitors and the screaming wail of electric guitars.

  “All right, you motherfucking lizards,” I snarled. “Let’s dance.”

  I opened fire. They charged.

  The thing about waheela is that they’re like the Timex watch of subarctic cryptids: they can take a licking and keep on ticking. Right about the time the remaining servitors reached the wall, driving me farther up the flag as they grabbed for my ankles with their whipcord tails, Istas sat up.

  First she rubbed her jaw. Then she looked around the room, clearly bewildered. And then she saw her parasol, which had not only fallen to the floor when she did, but had landed in the path of several servitors. The lace was ripped. A large footprint marred its previously pristine surface. Istas, seeing her property treated with such an obvious lack of respect, began to growl. And then she unbuttoned her shoes.

  It was almost possible to feel sorry for the servitors after that. Sure, they were creepy lizard-men trying to kill me, but they weren’t doing it voluntarily. They were men when all this craziness started—and as men, they probably never even heard of waheela, much less learned what a bad idea it was to piss one off. I shot one of them in the shoulder, and another in the tail. Then Istas stood up, balancing on the toes of her feet, and roared.

  It wasn’t a sound that should ever come from a human throat, which made sense, since Istas didn’t technically have a human throat anymore. What she had was a neck that was rapidly swelling like an inner tube as her musculature tripled in mass and density. Sort of like the Incredible Hulk if Bruce Banner were a cocktail waitress instead of a rocket scientist. Several of the servitors whipped around to hiss at her. Istas roared again and then, while the echoes of her challenge were still ringing through the club, she charged.

  For the servitors, it must have seemed odd in the extreme when the cute little chick in the frilly maid uniform started running toward them, howling challenge all the way. It just got odder from there. By the second step she took, she had doubled in size, shredding her stockings and splitting the seams all up and down the sides of her cute little uniform. By the third step, her clothing was falling away like so much debris, but it didn’t really matter, since her pelt was coming in, covering her body with a thick, protective layer of red-black hair. By the fourth step, she was only technically bipedal. The changes accelerated after that, as did Istas, and she slammed into the servitors in full animal form: a wolf the size of a grizzly bear, with a grizzly’s flexible paws and the furious mind of a pissed-off Gothic Lolita.

  The servitors didn’t stand a chance. She slapped two of them aside like they were bowling pins, and I dropped back to the floor, putting three bullets in the head of the last one standing. Istas pursued her two across the floor, hitting them every chance she got, until they went down and didn’t get up again.

  “I think they’re dead,” I said, breathing shallowly to keep from hyperventilating. One of the servitors closer to me twitched. I shot him twice in the spine. He stopped twitching. I amended, “I think they’re dead now.”

  Istas growled deep in her throat, smacking a fallen servitor one last time before she turned to do a slow survey of the room. The hair along her shoulders and spine was standing on end, making her look even larger. As if she needed the help. She finished her circuit, snarled, and trotted over to me, claws audibly scratching the club floor.

  “You okay?” I asked her. She shot me what could only be called an amused look. “Sorry. Reflex. Come on; let’s go find Candy. She’s not safe here on her own.”

  “She’s not on her own,” said a voice from behind us.

  I turned toward the hallway door, blinking in confusion. “Dave? I thought you left with the rest of the—oh, God, Dave, I am so sorry about the damages. In our defense, they were trying to kill us—wait, what?” I stopped talking as his words sank in. “Where’s Candy?”

  Dave looked awkwardly at the pair of us, his long-fingered hands tucked deep into the pockets of his cheap polyester slacks. “She’s not alone,” he said. “I really am sorry about this, Verity, but business is business, and you never would have danced for me anyway.”

  I took a step back, my hip brushing Istas’ shoulder. “Dave?” I said uncertainly.

  “Good night, Miss Price.” He pulled his hands from his pockets and blew their contents—a sparkly white powder that I recognized from the Tooth Fairy arsenal—in our direction.

  We were both unconscious before we hit the floor.

  Twenty-four

  “Well, crap.”

  –Frances Brown

  Some distance beneath the streets of Manhattan, being held captive by a snake cult

  TOOTH FAIRY DUST IS MEANT TO BE administered to sleeping children to make sure they stay asleep while the Tooth Fairy feeds. (The specific dietary needs of Tooth Fairies are irrelevant and a little bit disgusting, so I’m not going to talk about them. Even I have limits.) The standard dose, according to Grandpa Thomas’ Field Guide to Pixies, Sprites, and Other Household Pests, is a small pinch. A small pinch, as measured against the hand of something a little bit bigger than a Barbie doll. Dave had blown two full handfuls on me and Istas. At that kind of dosage, it was no wonder that when I finally stumbled back toward consciousness, I felt like I’d been shot full of curare, chloroform, and
cockatrice venom.

  I groaned, trying to lift a hand and wipe the residual grittiness from my eyes. My arm wouldn’t move. I couldn’t actually feel my arm. That realization snapped me the rest of the way out of my fugue damn quick, and I opened my eyes to find myself staring up at a distant ceiling that looked like poured concrete shot through with massive brass pipes. The sewers. I was somewhere in the sewers, only this time, I was either paralyzed or tied down. This definitely wasn’t an improvement over my earlier descents.

  I tried moving various parts of my body. Nothing responded, but at least I was able to feel my hands and feet when I really focused on it. All my bits were still attached; they just weren’t speaking to me at the moment. I started hurriedly reviewing everything I knew about Tooth Fairy dust, trying to remember whether it had a known overdose point.

  “I see one of our guests is awake,” said a jovial voice. I turned my head toward it—or tried to, anyway. All I was able to manage was the faintest twitch of the muscles in my neck. That was better than I’d been able to accomplish a few seconds before. I’d take it. “I’m sorry about the way you had to be brought here, dear. It was unnecessarily violent, and I apologize.”

  I made a strangled squeaking noise in the back of my throat. Not the most effective comeback I’d ever managed. This paralysis thing was getting old fast.

  “Oh, I’m sorry again—I didn’t think. Here.” Meaty hands grasped the sides of my head, turning it to face the speaker: a big, ruddy-faced man with thinning hair and a Brooks Brothers suit that definitely didn’t come off the rack. Whoever my apologetic kidnapper was, he came from money. “Is that better?”

  I made the strangled squeaking noise again.

  He nodded like I’d just said something brilliant. “I thought it might be. I do apologize that we had to meet under these circumstances, Miss Price. I’ve been a big fan of your work. Oh, don’t look so surprised—we’ve been keeping an eye on you since your arrival on the East Coast. It’s admirable, the way your family has pursued an accord with the unnatural races that battle humanity for rulership of our fair planet. Idiotic, but still admirable.”

  If I could look surprised, I could also glare. I did, wishing looks could actually kill as I stared at the asshole who was apparently responsible for my current situation. The asshole who was, unless my instincts had gone totally haywire, part of the snake cult that killed Piyusha.

  Chuckling, he leaned over and ruffled my hair. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re adorable when you’re angry? The sedative our operative administered should be wearing off soon, and then we can begin. I’m afraid you can’t be anesthetized during the ritual. It might disrupt things, and we’re dealing with too many variables as it is. As a scientist of sorts, I’m sure you understand why we can’t risk such contamination.”

  I kept glaring at him. There are only two good reasons for a villain to monologue: either they’re stalling for time, or they’re sure there’s no possible way for you to escape. This asshole was apparently combining the two. He needed to stall until I was no longer a danger to his dragon’s delicate constitution, and he clearly wasn’t worried about me getting away any time soon.

  The tingling in my hands and feet was getting stronger. If he’d just continue his monologue for a little while longer, there was a good chance I could surprise him. His easy dismissal of the city’s cryptid community meant that, while he might work with them, he probably wasn’t inclined to listen to them. That was too bad for him, because if there was one thing they could all have agreed on, it was that you never mess with a Price girl. Not unless we’re already gut-shot and bleeding out … and frankly, not always then.

  “There’s nothing to be worried about. You’re doing a great favor for the human race. Your service will be remembered long after the actions of your traitorous family have been stricken from the record of history.”

  I squeaked again, glaring. If I hadn’t already known that he couldn’t be working alone, his speech would have confirmed it; no one who couldn’t say “sacrifice” would be capable of performing one.

  “I am sorry that it will hurt. I wish there were another way. Sadly, the situation is delicate…” My captor continued rambling for another few minutes, using vague and bloodless euphemisms for what he and the rest of his freaky snake cult friends were planning to do with me. I kept squeaking. Eventually, my responses stopped amusing him, and he returned my head to its original position with a jovial, “Well, I’ll just give you a little time to get your head in order,” before walking briskly away.

  I listened closely to the way his footsteps echoed. I hadn’t heard any other voices while he was talking to me, and nothing interrupted the clack-clack-clack of his expensive dress shoes against the concrete. Another sign that he had to be working with a full cult: no one who had a clue what they were doing would be stupid enough to go into the sewer wearing shoes like that. They’d give him no traction at all if the place flooded.

  I counted to ten, waiting for the sound of footsteps coming back in my direction. When that didn’t happen, I started trying to flex my fingers and toes, feeling very much like I’d just been cast in an unnecessary remake of Kill Bill. The tingling was getting stronger. It didn’t take long before my toes twitched in answer to my command, followed by my fingers, and then my hands. Sensation began rushing back into my skin so rapidly that it bordered on painful. I gritted my teeth, just glad that I could grit my teeth, and kept trying to get my body to respond.

  The return of physical connection brought a host of information in its wake. I was definitely strapped down, not tied, since whatever was holding me in place was leathery-smooth (and given the suit my captor had been wearing, possibly real leather). I was also naked, or close enough as to make no difference, because the leather straps were pressing down directly against my skin. Three straps for my legs, one for my waist, one for my torso, and another for my shoulders. I had to give the snake cult this much, if nothing else; whoever was in charge of securing the sacrifices definitely did a bang-up job.

  Someone groaned to my right. I turned toward the sound—abstractly pleased to realize that I could turn toward the sound—and saw Istas. She was strapped to a metal gurney, naked, with arcane symbols drawn in Sharpie all up and down the length of her body. The same symbols I’d found on Piyusha. Her hair was back in its sleek little girl pigtails, making the sight of her even more surreal.

  She groaned again before licking her lips and whispering, eyes still closed, “Did we lose because of improper tactical behavior?”

  “No.” I was trying to speak softly, but my voice came out as a whisper even fainter than Istas’. Lingering paralysis of the vocal cords, most likely. “We lost because that asshole we work for decided to sell us out.”

  “Oh, good.” Istas’ shoulders tensed as she tried to move. The tension passed quickly, with no real visible effect. “I will enjoy removing his insides and displaying them to him as a part of his outsides.” She paused, considering, before she added, “I believe I will wear his liver as a hat.”

  “Okay, well, good, that’s a goal,” I agreed slowly. “First we need to get loose. Then we can think about internal organ haberdashery. Can you change shapes?”

  “I do not know.” Istas tensed again, the muscles in her neck visibly bulging as they twisted into a new formation. Then the skin smoothed out again as she sagged, chest moving in rapid, if shallow, heaves. “… no. I cannot.”

  “Okay. Well, thanks for trying.” I could feel my shoulders again. I pulled them upward, feeling the drag as the leather straps caught my wrists. I was still feeling weak and disconnected from my body, but I could move it, and that was enough.

  Growing up in my family meant ambushes on your birthday, crossbows for Christmas, and games of dodge ball where the balls were occasionally rigged to explode. It also meant learning how to work your way out of a wide variety of death traps. Failure to get loose on your own could lead to missing dinner, or worse, being forced to admit that you
missed dinner because your baby sister had tied you to the couch. Again.

  The leather straps were probably intended to keep us from bruising ourselves. Maybe sacrifices are like apples—they go bad when they’re bruised. Whatever the reason, leather was better than rope, since it wasn’t as likely to rip my skin off when I started squirming. I went as limp as I could, letting the remains of the Tooth Fairy dust do the majority of the work for me. By breathing out until my lungs ached, I was able to get almost a half an inch of give between myself and the leather. With this accomplished, I pointed my toes and began to pull.

  I had to stop twice to breathe. The second time, I caught Istas with her head canted to the side, watching me intently. I offered her a wan smile and kept working.

  Ballroom dancing teaches strength, stamina, and above all, flexibility. I gave my left leg one last firm tug and pulled my calf free of the two lower leather straps. After a pause to take a deeper breath I repeated the trick, this time pulling my right calf free. Most of me was still pinned, but now that I’d managed to get things started—

  “Well, aren’t you the industrious one?” A hand slapped down on my shoulder. I tilted my head back, unsurprised to see that the well-dressed snake cultist was back. He beamed at me like a demented Santa Claus, giving a small shake of his head as he said, “My dear, you really are astonishing. It’s a pity someone with your training and potential has to … well, you can stop fighting now. It was a lovely try, but it simply wasn’t lovely enough. Boys!”

  The hissing that greeted his call told me what was coming even before the first servitor came into view. It was limping, and the look it was directing toward me seemed to have more than the usual dose of reptilian menace. “I think we’ve met,” I said.

  “Oh, you’ve met several of the boys,” said evil Santa, pulling his hand away from my shoulder. “It’s good to have the family together like this, isn’t it? Boys, take them to the Chamber of the Dragon.”