Case of the Great Danish

by Erik Schubach

  Ok, think Fin. He blocked the direct route, maybe I could flag a cab? Even though I haven't seen one in quite a while as most of the surface traffic has ground to a halt. Subway? Not if I had to wait for a train, he'd catch us. So I guess it is through the park and to the station that way.

  I needed to let Jane know I changed my course. If Linus and the Cardinal made the calls, I'm sure she was on her way already. I envisioned her in shining armor and cocked an eyebrow at the mental image. She'd look goood as a lady knight.

  I got an idea. The major entertainment locations would have tight security, even if they are closed on a holiday. So I'm sure a cruiser would be dispatched if someone were to, make a commotion? I smirked. The MOMA was just three blocks down and a block over.

  My ankle was feeling a little better since I kept walking on it, though I knew tonight it would swell up like a balloon as soon as I let it rest. So I was able to keep the man from gaining, I even put more separation between us, making sure he could still see our shadow through the snowy night.

  We reached the museum a few minutes later, and I went up to the main doors and shook them violently until I saw a couple of green lights on the alarm panel inside the doors turn red. I looked around until I saw a security camera above the doors, pointed down. I struck a Marylyn Monroe pose and gave a super toothy grin, whispering, “Come get me, Jane.”

  Then we were off again, turning on 6th for a straight run to the park five blocks away. As soon as we slipped into the park, we hesitated and slowed down when I lost track of Mort. Had we pulled that far ahead of the man? When I didn't see him in the night dimly lit by the path lamps, part of me was a little disappointed. I told the fuzzy kids, “Huh. He gave up. Quitter.”

  I was a little sad I couldn't deliver the man into the lap of the NYPD, but at least I had rescued Tinkerbell and identified the perp. None of that was going to matter one bit to Jane. I could hear the lecture now. She was kind of sexy when she was yelling at me.

  We slowed to a walk now that the urgency was gone. That, unfortunately, made me painfully aware of the positively arctic air around us as the wind stung at my cheeks. My body heat was dropping again since we weren't exerting ourselves as much.

  Brr.

  I wrapped my scarf over my face and told the pups, “Day twenty-three, the Yeti yet eludes us, we've been dogged by a small creature with a half human, half bulldog features. My intrepid companions and I have finally lost the thing. We will send another expedition to retrieve that beast once we return to the arctic outpost's research station.”

  I prompted them as they gave me unimpressed doggy grins. “Hey, come on you two. This is comedic gold here.” They still were not impressed. Snooty doggies.

  Ok, I may have been a little bored now that there was no rush. What does that say about me that I'm bored that some crazy man isn't chasing me anymore? I need therapy... or a warm bath and a warm bed with a warm detective. Or hot chocolate, that sounded almost as good as my fiance just about then.

  I smiled as I saw the string of streetlights through the storm that marked the edge of the park to 5th Avenue. We were almost there. I fantasized about being in a heated building soon.

  We passed by a tree that was right off the path, a little less snow was below it, and I may have screamed in surprise a little when a familiar voice said, “I'll take that.” And Mortimer Gilbert pried Tinker's leash from my fingers from behind. I had dropped my guard and got cocky again, thinking we had lost the man who had been bulldogging us for well over a mile. Heh, bulldogging.

  He must have realized my ultimate destination and went around the perimeter of the park to lay in wait. He had been hiding in the snow behind the tree. And now the weaselly little man was running off the other way with Tink. The big goofy dog just loping along with him. She was such a sweetie, but dense as me sometimes.

  I looked at Calvin and exclaimed in urgency, “Zoinks!”

  Then we were in hot pursuit, me yelling, “Get back here with her, you, you... you jerkface! I will catch you, then you're going to be sorry Mr. Mortimer Gilbert! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

  He was panting puffing and wheezing while he screamed in high pitched distress like, well like me, as he ran north. My mind pulled up a detailed map of the Central Park in my head. I could have pulled out the map in my bag which I had laminated and labeled neatly, but I didn't need it. This was my park, and I knew every path in it, including which ones they kept clear when it snowed so that people could still enjoy walks in the winter wonderland.

  The path would be clear up to Bethesda Terrace, and there were only three places he could head from there. Toward either 5th, Central Park West, or Cherry Hill. My guess is that he thinks he can lose us in the Ramble. Dream on Morty, this is my backyard.

  Chapter 12 – Bow Bridge

  Before long, we reached the Terrace, and sure enough, the man kept moving north, and Calvin and I were almost on top of him. He looked as if he'd drop dead at any moment the way he was huffing and puffing. I swear I saw some dog walkers heading up from the tunnel to the fountain toward us as we moved past. I think they were pulling out their cells as they tried to make us out in the storm.

  Were they... looking for me? Had they called a Broken Leash on me again? How mortifying! Heh, Mort-ifying. Oh come on, that was funny.

  But seriously, they'd all think I was a trouble magnet like everyone in my family insists on. I'd never live it down if they thought I was helpless again, especially after the Great Weiner Stampede.

  As we approached the Bow Bridge from Cherry Hill, where I saw another dog walker approaching, I was getting frustrated with myself. I could easily have caught up with the man even in the five inches of new snow on the path if I hadn't twisted my ankle. I was pushing my pain threshold to its limit just to pace him as it was.

  I scooped snow off the railing as we started over the bridge and packed it into a ball and chucked it at the man. With a wet splat, it hit the back of his head. I don't know what that would accomplish, but it sure was satisfying when he squeaked.

  He turned back, frustration painting his face before turning back, never slowing. I yelled, “That's right, run Morty, I'm breathing down your neck.” I did my best Rocky impression, “I'm comin' for youze!”

  He growled back at me then he froze in mid-stride at the crest of the bridge. He glanced back at me then the way he had been heading in indecision. That was all that I needed to finally catch up with the dognapping son of a brine shrimp. He doesn't deserve being called a son of a bitch, that's an insult to dogs.

  I saw the line of dog walkers with their fuzzy minions blocking the other end of the bridge as I grappled with the man, trying to pull Tinkerbell's leash off his wrist.

  He was screaming incoherently at me about bitches and stupid girls and the like. Dude, I'm a dog walker, bitch isn't the insult you believe it to be. He was pushing hard at me. He was a man but didn't have much more muscle than me.

  I was slowly working the leash off his wrist, wondering what in the fuzzy heck I was thinking I was doing grappling with a criminal. At least I had his right arm, the one he used to punch me in the stomach, I wasn't letting that happen again.

  Calvin was whining in distress, hesitating in indecision. I knew he was moments from diving on the man again as his whining was starting to turn into a growl.

  That's when the little shit I was struggling with, leaned in and bit me. He actually bit my ear, and it hurt! I felt freezing tears stinging my eyes as I squawked out, “What is wrong with you, man?” I knew I couldn't let him get away with Tink. Who knew what the man would do to her, so I stomped his toe. Hard. He stopped biting me as he squeaked like a... well... like a bitch, and I shoved him away from me. I seem to be using the B word a lot here.

  To my horror, the man hit the railing, and his feet slipped on an icy patch, and it was like watching in slow motion as he screamed in a high pitch that could easily shatter glass and he went over the edge. A moment later t
here was the twang and groaning of leather stretched tight, and Tinkerbell stumbled forward, yelping as she slid across the snowy deck of the bridge.

  I dove at the leash and grabbed it with both hands, feeling the strain on the huge, lovable pooch, lessen. Then went about twisting my hand around in a circle, looping the leash around my hand. I was not letting Tinkerbell fall down to the thin ice on the Lake. A fall from fifteen feet up like this would break the ice, and she and Morty would be pulled under to a chilly grave.

  The walkers from the far side saw and started running toward us as looked down to the man who just kept screaming, breath after breath, as he dangled from the leash loop around his wrist, his free arm and legs windmilling.

  I called out as I strained against the leash, pulling him up one inch at a time, and I swear I heard Jane screaming out my name in my imagination. “For god's sake man. Please stop your wailing! Show some dignity!”

  Then I realized it hadn't been my imagination when I caught the scent of leather, lilacs, and gun oil as two strong hands grasped the leash below my hands and heaved. Pulling Mortimer Gilbert, lame ass dognapper extraordinaire, up to the railing like he weighed nothing to her. Then she grabbed him by the scruff of his coat and hauled him over and onto the bridge deck where he curled up into a fetal position, sobbing.

  I muttered as I shook my head at the display, “They don't make bad guys like they used to.”

  Jane actually snorted as she pried his hands behind his back sliding the leash off his wrist and handing it to me before cuffing him and yanking him up to his feet with one arm and hissing out, “Mortimer Gilbert, you're under arrest for manslaughter, theft, assault and battery, and for pissing me the fuck off!”

  Was it wrong I found how strong she was a little arousing?

  She looked over at me as the balding man squeaked out in confusion, “M-manslaughter?”

  Then my girl asked, concern painting her features as her hot breath fogged the air, “Are you alright Finnegan?” Then she looked at my feet as I moved up to her. “You're limping.” She yanked on Mort's arm.

  I assured her, “I'm fine. I'll be bruised a bit, I umm... slipped. I see you got my messages?”

  She moved Mort away from me and then gave me a peck on the lips and whispered, “You are in so much trouble when we get home, lady.”

  I swallowed hard and nodded. I was a dead woman walking.

  Then she said to me as more dog walkers arrived to watch, the bridge was surrounded, “Come on Finny, you look frozen. Let's get this sorry excuse for a human being locked up and get you home.”

  I nodded and squeaked out, “Yes please.” Home sounded like the most wonderful thing in the world just then.

  Then I walked beside her as the dog walkers parted to let us through while she growled out to the still whimpering man who I am pretty sure had wet himself when he was dangling by the leash, “You have the right to remain silent... anything you say can and will be used...”

  I tuned her out while she read the rest of his rights as I just basked in her closeness, in her strength and conviction. Once again she had ridden her white horse in to save the day. I'd have to discuss these knight fantasies with her.

  Hey, don't look at me like that. You'd be thinking the same thing, I mean, have you seen her? Yum!

  As we walked, she glanced at me then smirked, likely guessing what was on my mind. Then she fished out something from a pocket with her free hand as she yanked Morty along. She almost growled to me, “Call your mom and let her know this wasn't my fault.”

  I blinked at the cell. It was... well it was mine. How had Jane found it? I nodded at her, dreading the call. Who was the mental genius who called my mom anyway? She would have been worried sick, and she was going to kill me for putting myself in danger again. But I knew the likely culprit when she added, “And Jessie.” Red was going down for this. I giggled and dialed mom, sighing in surrender when she answered on the first ring, “Fin?”

  I was so dead. “Hi, mom, Merry Christmas?” I gave a strained, toothy grin to thin air.

  Jane was chuckling as I held the phone away from my ear as mom started her tirade. It was going to be a long night. But look, Jane's SUV and the promise of heat! I gleeped when Jane crossed a leg behind her to kick my butt. I smiled bashfully up at her, my frozen cheeks heating quickly.

  While I just, “Yes, ma'am-ed,” I went through all the broken leash texts and thanked the group, letting them know I was fine and with my personal detective now.

  Once we drove to the station in a toasty warm car, and Mort was booked. Jane said to me as she filed the paperwork, “Let's get you home, Finny.” And she added when she ruffled Calvin's ears lovingly, “And you, buddy. You did good. I can't believe you let her do this. You're the only one with any sense.”

  “Hey!”

  She cocked an eyebrow, and I crossed my arms across my chest petulantly and capitulated the point, “Fine.”

  She didn't blink as she mirrored me with a pouty tone. “Fine.”

  Hey, I didn't sound like that!

  I snapped, “Fine!”

  Then I whispered, “Can we go home now? I really want to go home.”

  She nodded and pulled me to her. Then hesitated as she looked at Tinkerbell, pointing out, “She isn't coming with us. I'll get Animal Control to...”

  “You're not sending her to doggy prison.”

  She said with all the patience a parent had for a misbehaving child, “I was going to say that I can get Animal Control to bring her to Mrs. Havermail's daughter. She lives in the City and works at the bakery.”

  I shook my head. “No, those people at Animal Control will treat her like a dog. She can come home with us for Christmas tonight and I can get her to the daughter tomorrow.”

  She exhaled loudly and asked with humor in her voice, “It won't do me any good to argue will it?”

  I shook my head and crinkled my nose at her, she wrapped an arm around my head and pulled me into her chest and kissed the top of my head, “Didn't think so.” I grinned into her chest and savored it as her scent enveloped me, letting a lot of tension I wasn't aware of wash out of me as she made me feel safe and loved.

  I told her chest, “I love you.” I loved the rest of her too.

  She whispered back like she didn't want the few people left manning the station to hear, “Love you too brat. But I'm still mad at you.”

  I could live with that. I nodded and she released me.

  I thought it was adorable that Calvin curled into the back seat with Tinkerbell and the two snored all the way home. He was the little spoon.

  I limped into the apartment with the dogs in tow a few minutes later. I unclipped them, and they trotted off, Calvin likely showing his big girlfriend the layout of the place while I got out of my battle gear. I whimpered when I took the boot off. Seeing the swollen lump through my sock.

  Work was going to be hell tomorrow.

  She looked at me and prompted, “You didn't say how Mortimer wound up going over the railing like that Finny.” She had told me I could make my full statement tomorrow.

  I shrugged as I hung our coats on the properly labeled pegs by the door and arranged our boots on the plastic trays below them. Then supplied, “I stomped on his toe.”

  She actually started chuckling and said, “Of course you did. Finnegan Temperance May, serial stomper.” Hey, I was only convicted for toe stomping a bad guy just the once, and it has been expunged from my record now.

  I would have growled at her if she hadn't cut any brilliantly worded, snappy retort short with her lips on mine, and I returned the heat of the kiss tenfold like a woman starved for love. I let out a full body sigh as I sagged into her, our bodied finding their familiar configuration.

  Then my stomach growled, breaking the magic moment. Stupid tummy!

  She told me, “I'll draw you a bath to soak your foot. Then let's get some food into you.”

  I pouted. “You're just making su
re I'm comfortable so you can tell me how monumentally stupid I was.”

  She gave me a Cheshire cat smile, letting me know the truth of it. See? She's evil.

  Just as she moved toward the stairs, we heard a key in the lock. Saved by the red-headed avenger!

  Then the two of us stood there blinking as two of the most badass women we knew, came in almost plastered to each other and giggling as they looked into each other's eyes. Jessie said breathlessly as she dropped her coat to the floor to puddle around her heels. “I love... um that you got along so well with the folks.”

  They started to kiss with the heat of the sun and then froze. Their lips still connected, MJ said as she opened one eye and swung it our way, “I don't think we're alone.”

  It was quite humorous really, they managed to turn their heads to look at us, still connected at the lips as a now blushing Kerry said into Jessie's lips. “You just might be right, Red.”

  They pulled apart, looking like two smug bugs together. And I heard Jane gasp. I looked back, and her eyes were bulging as she looked the two up and down. That's right, she hadn't seen the Jessie Hepburn treatment nor the hot as hell dress uniform on my old bestie. And damn if they didn't look goooood. Drool-worthy actually.

  Jessie looked supremely pleased as she reached over and closed Jane's gaping jaw. “What Five-O? You've seen me in less.”

  Then she said to Ker, “I believe she's in the throes of an eye-gasm.” Then she said smugly, “Fin helped me get ready for my... I mean for Ker.”

  Then she looked at her soldier girl, lust on her face, “And the Fly-Girl cleans up nicely too.”

  I turned Silent Jane toward the stairs and shooed her off with a hand to the small of her back like a child, “Didn't you say you had a bath to draw? Stop perving on my best friends.”

  She plodded off, and I looked at the overly amused and pleased women, they were loving the reaction. Good thing I had already got it out of my system or I'd be in a similar state seeing the two standing there like two greek goddesses. I chastised them, “Bad enough you two look like seduction squared, you don't need to get my fiance drooling.”