by Kahlen Aymes
I tried to smile at him. This was a huge moment for him as well; one that we’d dreamed of sharing since we were boys. A dream that we’d worked our asses off to attain.
“You know I don’t do that shit.”
The door opened and several voices followed. Aaron’s girlfriend, Jenna, Julia and her best girlfriend, Ellie, strode into the living room. They were all laughing and bantering with each other. My eyes flew to Julia. Her face was pink from the cold, her eyes were sparkling and laughter was falling from her lips. She was so gorgeous, she took my breath away.
Aaron scooped Jen up in a big bear hug. “I made it into Harvard Med!”
She screamed with excitement as Aaron twirled her around.
Julia put down her backpack as she searched my face intently. “Ryan?” she questioned and took my big hand in her little one.
She’d poured over the application with me, helped me organize my recommendation letters and bought me the books to study for the MCATs. She spent hours and hours quizzing me over the course of the past year, and kept me fed while I studied. Knowing what this meant to me, she’d done her best to help me get it.
“Do something about your boy, Jules.” Aaron shouted from across the room as he fell on the sofa with Jenna on his lap. “He’s catatonic.”
“I’m very happy for you, baby,” Jen planted a sound kiss on Aaron’s mouth. Jenna was a nursing student and although Aaron hadn’t proposed, they were tight and I had no doubt she would follow him to Boston.
Ellie glanced between us while Julia continued to look up at me, her face finally splitting into a big smile. “Ryan, you, too. Right?”
I nodded miserably before her arms slid around my waist. Against my will, I leaned my face against the top of her head.
“I’m so proud of you,” Julia whispered against my shirt and her hot breath washed over me through the material.
I felt ill, suddenly sick to my stomach at the thought of not seeing her every day.
She lifted her tear-filled eyes to mine, the luminous green pools drowning me in their depths. “I knew you could do it."
Her fingers splayed out on the back of my white button down and I wanted to beg her to come with me.
“Thanks to you. You pushed me hard enough.” The coconut aroma from her shampoo surrounded me and her soft hair was like silk against my face.
“What are best friends for?” she murmured as she rubbed my back. I looked down into her face, her features soft and searching. My brow furrowed and my mouth tightened involuntarily.
Yeah, so what the fuck am I going to do without you, then?
“Hey. What’s your deal? You should be over the moon,” she said hesitantly, leaning casually against the counter, concern haunting her features.
I made a half-assed attempt to smile. “I’m a little overwhelmed, that’s all. I’ll be fine once the shock wears off.”
Julia’s right brow rose skeptically. “After the hundred or so all-nighters I pulled with you studying for this crap, I expect you to go in there and kick ass.”
Aaron bounded into the kitchen. “Ellie wants to go to Antonio’s for dinner and then to hear some band. She’s got the hots for that guitar player.”
“His name is Harris.” Julia smiled and turned to Aaron with open arms. “Congratulations!”
Aaron scooped Julia up off of the floor and spun around in circles until she was squealing in delight.
“Uh, Aaron! That’s enough, man. You’re gonna make her sick.” I watched from a few feet away.
“Nah, Jules is tough. She’s put up with you for three years, hasn’t she?” he said as he set her down.
“Yeah,” she nudged me with her shoulder, as she’d done a million times before. It was one of the easy gestures that had become a habit over the years. “Are you gonna get happy or am I going to have to pull out the big guns?”
“And what would that be?” I finally smiled at the goofy look on her face.
“Oh, I don’t know…Black Forest cake or cheesecake?” They were my favorites.
The first time she’d made them for me was when her father had been prosecuting a big murder case and I didn’t want Julia sitting around that big house alone, so I took her to Chicago for Christmas our sophomore year.
“If I mope around enough, will you make both?” I teased her gently.
My heart stopped as her fingers fluttered along my jaw. “That’s better. Yes, if it will make you happy.”
“Yeah, I’m going to starve in Boston.” My throat tightened again. I tried to push the emotion down, hoping she wouldn’t understand my double meaning.
Ellie came in and began hauling Julia away from me. “Come on. We’ve got to go get ready. The boys are taking us out. Right, Ryan?”
Julia rolled her eyes at me and shrugged. I couldn’t help but smile back, she was so damn cute.
“Bye, you guys,” Julia said as she disappeared into the other room. “Okay Ellie, enough. I’ll come willingly, you don’t have to drag me, girl.” The exasperation in her voice was clearly forced. “Jen, if I have to suffer this humiliation, so do you. Come on!”
Jen giggled. “Pick us up at Julia and Ellie’s in two hours. Don’t be late, Aaron Matthews, or I’ll make you pay later!” she called from the other room and then the door shut loudly.
I downed the beer in my hand, Aaron’s face sobered suddenly and I bristled.
“Ryan, aren’t you happy? This is the beginning of the rest of our lives, brother.”
“Yeah, I know.” I shrugged and left the room. He followed, shaking his head.
“Are you gonna tell Julia you’re in love with her? That’s what this is about, so don’t bullshit me,” he said quietly.
I stopped and ran my hand through my hair. “Uh... look, I have to take a shower, so…”
“Ryan! Figure this shit out. You’ll blow Harvard if you don’t have your head in the game and we’ve worked too hard to get there.”
“Yes, I’m going to miss her. It just hit me that I wouldn’t see her every day, but I’ll deal.” I hoped he was more convinced by my words than I was.
“You’ll deal.” His eyes never left mine as he spoke and I could see the incredulity behind them, “And how in the fuck do you propose to do that?”
I took a deep breath and rubbed the stubble along my jaw in an effort to take my mind off of my aching heart. “Well, I’m just going to have to convince her to come with me,” I tried to make it sound like I was joking.
“To be what? Your study partner?” Aaron’s words were harsh and right on target; asking her to follow me was selfish, but I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.
“That isn’t how it is. She’s my best friend. I’d…”
He interrupted me. “You’d what? Tell her that suddenly you’ve had an epiphany? Do you even know how you really feel about her? She’s more than your best friend and you know it. Don’t fuck with her head, Ryan. She deserves better than that!”
I was speechless as I stood there motionless, struggling to find the answers he sought. Leave it to Aaron to be brutally honest.
“I…Uh, I’m…”
“Look, don’t rush into a conversation until you really know what you want,” Aaron went to get a beer and then returned to hear my reply.
“If I wait, she may have a job lined up and there will be no chance she’ll come to Boston.”
“Let’s be honest. The type of companies she’s applying to aren’t in Boston, Ryan.”
I didn’t want to hear his words, but I couldn’t deny their truth either. Julia deserved to follow her dreams as much as I did. I’d have to let her go even if it trashed me; and it would trash me.
I slowly sank into the couch, elbows on my knees, my hands clasped in front of me.
Aaron put his hand on my shoulder. “Julia will always be a part of your life, no matter the distance. But…you should tell her how you feel, for both your sakes.”
I shook my head. “I can’t tell her that I’m in love with her, just
to leave her. That’s not fair, Aaron. Besides, I can’t take hearing her tell me she only sees me as a friend. That could ruin the relationship we do have and I won’t risk losing her from my life.”
“You’d rather be her friend and see her marry some other guy…yeah, right,” he said sardonically.
My chest tightened as Aaron continued. “I’ve seen the way you look at her, how you can barely contain yourself from beating the shit out of the guys she dates. Stop lying to yourself!” Aaron’s words, while trying to comfort me, were like acid eating away at my insides and I put both hands through my hair. I couldn’t listen to more of this right now.
“Aaron, enough.”
“She won’t say you’re just her friend, Ryan. Wake up, dude. It’s like you’re married to the girl, only without the sex. Which is a fucking waste, by the way! She’s hot.”
He laughed and then went to his room to get ready, leaving me to struggle with my thoughts. A rush of heat still burned my skin.
Yes, Julia was sexy and beautiful, which drove me mad with desire, but sex would complicate everything and make it more likely I’d lose her if something did go wrong.
As much as I’d wanted to touch her, kiss her, taste her, I’d never let it happen. During the many times when we’d been alone in one another’s rooms, I struggled with not letting her see how deeply she affected me physically. I wanted her; but I wanted to make love to her, not just screw in some weak moment. I needed her love more than I needed her body. As my friend, she was the most important person in my world, and I wasn’t about to screw that up.
Julia~
Ellie danced around in front of the mirror admiring her short black skirt and bright yellow and black top, clearly too bare for the cool weather. The cute little ankle booties over her black hose were the only sensible choice she made for the evening; though I had to admit, she looked great.
I didn’t get all wrapped up in how I looked or spend hours getting ready. I had better things to do with my time than primp and re-apply my makeup every ten minutes.
Jenna was gorgeous. Her long hair flowed over her shoulders and her red sweater and tight black pants accentuated every perfect curve. She was every man’s dream girl; blonde, perfect hourglass figure, tight ass and big boobs. I smirked as I watched her painstakingly check her appearance.
“Taking Aaron down tonight, hmmm?” I teased as she spritzed perfume onto her wrists and applied bright red lipstick on her full lips.
"Uh, yeah, like you should do to Ryan.” My eyes widened at her sarcasm. “You want him so take him. He won’t say no.”
“Ryan and I are friends. God, Jen!” I shook my head and tried to brush her off, but Ellie shot her a look through the reflection in the mirror.
“Yeah, and I’m Mother Theresa. You two are hotter than hell for each other, so do something about it already. I don’t know how you made it this long! He’s gorgeous.”
My heart sped up. It wasn’t as if I’d never thought about what it would feel like to make love with him, but I knew if I let myself be with him that way, I’d just end up with a broken heart. I loved him, but to give myself like that, surrender my heart, soul and body, would be my undoing. If it didn’t work out, I would never recover.
Ellie squeezed my shoulders lightly. “Look, Julia, you didn’t dress up like this for the bartenders, right? Don’t waste the time you have left with him, and don’t lie to us. We know you’re in love with him.”
I tried to laugh it off. “Oh, really?”
“You hardly date and when you do, Ryan hates them and you drop the poor guys like hot potatoes. He hardly dates either. If you ask me that is a serious waste of a man. He should be getting it every night, he’s so delicious!” Jenna insisted.
“I’ll tell Aaron you said that, Jen.” I felt annoyed, the heat in my face burned. “I guess we just haven’t found the right person.”
Jen rolled her eyes and Ellie laughed as she fluffed my hair and sprayed it with a mist of hairspray.
“Uh, okay, Julia! Or, maybe the right one is right in front of you.” Ellie hugged me as she said it, but my eyes welled with tears.
“I can’t do this now, you guys. I’ll miss him so much it’s ridiculous. I can’t confuse the issue by trying to make it into more than it is. He’s my best friend.”
“We know that, honey. But there’s more to it,” Ellie murmured quietly.
I dabbed my eyes, trying to pull it together before I ruined the makeup I’d spent more time on because I wanted Ryan to remember me like this. I’d chosen a short black dress with a fitted black suede blazer, stockings, knee-high boots and silver hoop earrings. I definitely looked like a woman.
Yes, there was more. I loved him so much I couldn’t breathe. I dreamed of him touching and making love to me. I felt like he was mine. Over the years when he’d gone out with other girls; I’d felt sick, crying myself to sleep on countless occasions, never letting him know I wanted anything more from him than friendship. I wouldn’t be one of those girls he dated a couple of times, slept with and then left abandoned.
You couldn’t even call them girlfriends. They passed through his life like rain, but I remained constant. He sought me out….the one he spent time with. I had the best part of him, the real part. I knew him and he confided in me about everything. I didn’t want to trade that in for a fling.
“Can we just have fun tonight? I can’t think about this now, okay? I want to find someone to dance with me.”
Jen raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. “You mean some poor sap that will have his ass handed to him when Ryan gets jealous? You’re evil, Julia,” Jenna said as she went to open the door for the boys.
“And you’re delusional, Jen,” I said quietly right before Aaron’s voice filled the hall as we walked out of the bedroom.
“Oh, no honey, you’ve got that backwards.”
Aaron looked handsome in jeans and a long sleeve white t-shirt, but he was alone.
I paused, “Where’s Ryan?”
“He drove himself tonight. He’s sort of out of it, Jules. You two should talk,” he said before he kissed Jen on the cheek and helped us all on with our coats. “I’m one lucky bastard! Three beautiful women on my arm tonight; I must have died and gone to heaven.”
“Keep it up and you’ll wake up and find yourself in Hell,” Jenna teased. Aaron laughed out loud.
Ryan’s black CRV was already parked when we arrived and he was waiting in the foyer. His eyes ran over me like a caress, making me uneasy, yet excited.
“Hey, did you have to wait long?”
His fingers closed around mine, the heat from his hands searing my skin. “It was worth it. You look amazing.”
“Thanks, you do too.” He wore all black, jeans, t-shirt and blazer. His golden brown hair was wild and messy, like someone had just run their hands through it a million times. As if on cue, his hand swiped through the side of it and I smiled.
“What? Why are you smiling?”
“Because, it’s better than crying.” I stopped, realizing too late, as he raised his brows in question. “Uh...I mean, I think it’s amazing how you constantly play with your hair and it still looks incredible. It’s not fair.”
Dinner progressed uneventfully and I didn’t have a chance to talk to Ryan alone. It would be difficult at the club, too, due to the din of the crowd and music. We found a table near the dance floor and Ryan and I slid into the two chairs nearest the wall. Aaron and Jen were across from us, and Ellie rushed away to find Harris.
The band was just setting up so there was only background music playing. Ryan was leaning into me as he often did, our shoulders touching. The musky smell of his cologne enveloped me and the candles on the tables flickering across his features made my breath stop. I had to remind myself to breathe.
He was so incredibly beautiful. Over the last three years, I’d often wondered how any man could be that breathtaking. So intelligent, caring and talented and still be single. He had women dropping their panties at eve
ry opportunity, but he’d never had a steady girlfriend in all the time I’d known him.
“Julia…” He turned to me. My eyes dropped to his perfect mouth and I was mesmerized.
I shook my head a little to bring myself back. “Uh…We should do some shots. Let’s get the party started.” I flagged the waitress as she passed our table.
“Hi, can we get ten lemon drops, please?” I smiled at the woman who was looking Ryan over, very obvious in her attempts to get him to notice her. “Hmmph!” I let my air out in a rush of disgust. For all she knew, Ryan was my boyfriend and she was blatantly flirting with him in front of me. “Uh, the drinks?” I raised my eyebrows pointedly, until she nodded and moved off toward the bar.
Ryan was looking at me with a strange expression, smiling slightly and studying.
“What are you looking at? Do I have something between my teeth?” I smiled and raised a hand to my mouth.
He grinned, shaking his head. “Julia, you’re acting funny. What is it?” He brushed a stray piece of hair back from my face.
I looked down, my hands fiddling with a napkin on the table. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to,” I said softly so that only he could hear.
“I think we might need to talk, hmmm?” his velvet voice rumbled around me and vibrated on my skin. He was leaning close and his hot breath washed over my face. I swallowed hard.
“We always talk, Ryan. About everything, don’t we?” I shot a glance up at his eyes, but couldn’t hold his gaze.
“Do we?” He leaned in further still and stared into my face.
I used the band as an excuse to divert my attention. The music had started and I was thankful that it was harder to talk, so I nodded. Ryan leaned back against the wall as he continued to watch me intently.
When the shots arrived, I called Ellie over to the table. Ryan reached for his wallet and I stopped him. “No, you aren’t paying tonight. This party is for you and Aaron. We’re celebrating!” I opened my purse and took out two twenty dollar bills to give to the waitress.
I set two shots in front of each of us and picked one up.
“A toast. To my two favorite men in the world! I know you’ll set the world of medicine on its ass. I love you both.” I felt tears welling as I looked into Ryan’s blue eyes. He wasn’t smiling and looked like he was struggling for words.