by Kahlen Aymes
“Hear, hear!” Jen said, as our glasses clinked together.
Ellie choked on her drink and made a funny face. “Ewww,” she murmured before setting the glass down and going back to the stage.
I turned to Ryan and touched my glass to his. “I really am very proud of you.” His eyes never left mine as we downed the shots. The tension between us was palpable. Aaron and Jen shifted in their seats uneasily, turning their backs to give us some privacy.
I set down my glass and reached for another one, but Ryan’s hand closed over mine.
“Don’t go so fast, Julia. I don’t want to get drunk tonight.”
“Well, maybe I do.”
“No. Not tonight. We need to talk.”
I sat back down. “Come on, Ryan, I already told you I’d make both those damn desserts!”
“Julia,” he said seriously, ignoring my attempted diversion. Our eyes locked.
“I don’t think I’m ready. Not yet.” I prayed he didn’t hear the trembling in my voice.
His hand moved up and down my back as understanding dawned in his face. The music got slower and his hand slid to mine.
“Okay. Then will you dance with me?”
I gasped softly. In all the time we’d known each other, we’d never danced. At least, not slow dancing. I didn’t know what to say. There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t place; they were darker, his gaze more intense. I was unsure if I could handle being in his arms and not show him how I really felt.
Ryan didn’t wait for me to answer and simply pulled me up with him. His strong arm moved around the back of my waist as he turned me toward the dance floor. He folded me into his arms and mine slid up his chest around his neck. Ryan let his breath out as he pulled me closer. My knees went weak and I leaned into him as my heart began to race. I’d dreamed of being next to him like this, so many times, but the warmth and closeness felt better than I’d ever imagined.
“Oh, Julia…” he breathed against my hair and I twined my fingers through the soft strands at his nape as our bodies swayed together perfectly, like we’d been dancing together for years. His nose was nuzzling against me and I felt his lips at my temple. I couldn’t help it. I closed my eyes and sucked in my breath.
“Ryan…I’m…”
He stopped me, “Shhh.. just dance with me. Don’t talk. Not right now.”
He held me closer, one hand settled on the small of my back while the other moved up between my shoulder blades. His hand fisted in the material of my dress underneath my jacket and he pressed his soft lips to the skin below my ear.
It was extremely intimate and felt like heaven, but left me confused. What was happening between us? Were things changing and did I want them to? Should I let myself melt into him as I ached to do?
Ryan would leave in a few months. That was a fact and I didn’t know where I’d be going. I didn’t want to end up in bed with him only to never see him again and left with a broken heart.
“I don’t want to go, Julia. I don’t know if I can do this…” he whispered against my neck. My heart dropped as his words echoed my thoughts. Jen and Aaron were on the dance floor by now and she winked at me. I attempted a weak smile in return, but the emotions welling within me made it impossible.
Ryan’s hand on my upper back slid up underneath the curtain of my hair to hold my head, as his mouth barely brushed across mine. Electricity shot through my entire body and all I wanted was to deepen the kiss, to open my mouth to his and taste him. “I can’t leave…” he whispered again.
I rested my forehead against his cheek and tried to steady my breathing before I pushed back a little so I could look into his face. I couldn’t let him throw away his dream.
“What?! You can and you will, Ryan!” I could see the conflict flash across his features before he quickly tried to hide it from me, his jaw setting as he looked down at me.
I took his hand and pulled him behind me back to the table, slamming my other drink before holding his up to him. Obediently, he downed it before reclaiming my hand.
I grabbed my purse and led him from the club.
“Where’s your car?” I asked impatiently as I began to shiver, my coat left behind in my rush to get Ryan alone.
Roles reversed suddenly, as he was the one pulling me with him toward the other end of the lot. When we got to his car, he shrugged out of his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders before opening the passenger door and ushering me inside.
He went around the front of the vehicle as I watched, then got in and started the engine, turning the heater on full blast. He was breathing heavier as he turned toward me and took my hand.
I shook my head as I searched his features. “What’s this about?”
He sighed. “Didn’t you say that you didn’t want to talk?” his brow dropped and I could see his struggle as different emotions flooded his features.
“You obviously need to and I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I weren’t willing to listen. We’ve always been able to talk about anything, so this should be no different, right?”
He brought his eyes back to mine. “Yeah,” he said softly. I sat back and waited for him to continue. “I guess…I’m having second thoughts about going to Boston.”
“But...why? I know how badly you’ve wanted this, Ryan. Now you have it.” I squeezed his hand. “You shouldn’t let anything distract you from this.” When he shrugged, I pressed him to tell me the truth. “This is me. Julia. Tell me. Whatever it is, just fucking say it, Ryan.”
“It’s…well, it’s you. It’s…us.” I felt like the air had been sucked from my lungs and I needed a minute to digest his words. “Julia, I don’t know if I can be so far away from you. I’ll…miss you. You’re so important to me.”
I felt tears start in my eyes and I struggled to blink them back as I looked straight ahead out the front window. Finally, I turned toward him, trying to swallow the rising lump in my throat.
“I feel the same way. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, but that isn’t going to change. I’m still here if you need me. We’ll talk and see each other on breaks and holidays. Hell, I don’t even know where I’ll be yet. Ellie and I have applied all over.”
He leaned forward onto the steering wheel as he gazed out the window. “I know,” he said so softly I barely heard him.
“I’m going to miss you, too, but you have to do this. It’s the thing you’ve wanted most, isn’t it?” I was silently dying inside because I wanted him near me so badly but I had to convince him to go to Boston.
“I thought so, but when I got the letter, all I could think about was leaving you. Not…seeing you every day.”
“Oh, Ryan,” I laid a hand on his back and rested my forehead on his shoulder. We sat like that for a few minutes before he took a deep breath and continued.
“I’m feeling more for you…and I want…” he began.
I moved back and put up a hand to stop him. “No, don’t! We can’t change our relationship right before you leave, Ryan. Don’t you see that?” I felt a tear escape and tried to brush it away before he noticed. “It’s uncertainty that’s making you feel this way, and I’m not willing…”
He stiffened and pulled away. I could feel him closing down.
“Please let me finish,” I pleaded. The hurt behind his eyes made my heart ache. “I’m not willing to risk losing you in my life because we’re both confused by the situation. You mean too much to me.”
“Do you think I’m feeling these things because I’m fucking leaving? I’ve been feeling them, Julia! Holding you in there, it’s what I’ve been wanting and it felt so right, didn’t it? Was I dreaming?”
“No.” I was shaking, and I wrapped my arms around my body. “I’ve…felt things for you too, but now isn’t the time to change things between us. We’ve both got so many changes happening right now; we need the constant of each other. God, if something went wrong, being so far apart, we’d never be the same. I can’t risk that, Ryan, I can’t. And...it will be d
ifficult enough, without...complicating everything. I need you.” Tears dripped from my traitorous eyes.
He leaned back in his seat and reached out to touch my cheek. “Yeah, I need you, too. I had this same conversation with Aaron earlier. I told him that I couldn’t risk losing my best friend.”
“Then let’s not. You are the one person I can’t do without, Ryan. These other feelings will probably pass. You’ll be caught up in your classes and I’ll be trying to start a new career, but we’ll still be in touch every day, I promise. I won’t let you waste this opportunity.”
“And if the feelings don’t pass?” he asked softly as his thumb rubbed across the top of my hand.
“Then we’ll do what we always do. We’ll deal. Together.” I snuffled and wiped at my tears. “Gross, huh?” I laughed.
He shook his head and swallowed me up in his big arms, holding me so tight it felt like he’d never let me go. “No. Beautiful.”
Chapter 2
RYAN~
"Ryan!" my mother called from the kitchen. She and my dad were visiting from Chicago to help Aaron and I pack up. I was putting clothes in boxes and sorting out the ones I wanted to give to charity.
Aaron and I had flown to Boston a month earlier to find an apartment, but it was a small two bedroom with very little closet space. It would be cramped, but my dad argued that all we needed were two beds, two desks and lots of dedication.
He would know. He'd gone there 30 years before and now he was the top neurosurgeon in Chicago. After he graduated, he chose to go back to his hometown to be with his friends, family and, of course, my mother, Elyse.
I threw down the shirt I was folding into an open cardboard box before I went to see what she needed.
"What is it, Mom?" I asked. She had numerous boxes all around and the smell of black magic marker hit me square in the face as she wrote kitchen and fragile on one of them.
"Well, what are all these things? Should I throw them out?" She looked at me with a ridiculous grin on her face as she held up an assortment of koozies Aaron and I had collected over the past four years at concerts and frat parties.
"Those are to keep beer, uh...pop cold, Mom." I smiled at her when she raised her eyebrow at me. "We don't need them, but Aaron might argue the point since they're mostly his anyway."
"Yeah... sure they are, honey," she said knowingly as she threw them all in the trash bin. I picked up a box to take to the U-Haul truck we'd rented for the week. "Where's Julia? I expected to see her every minute of these last few days, but she hasn't been here at all."
I set the box back down and resigned myself to the answer. I’d been doing my best to keep from thinking about Julia, but her absence was conspicuous.
"Um, she’s going to San Francisco to visit Paul for a few days and then flying to Kansas City to see Marin. Then she and Ellie are going to move to Los Angeles, I guess," I said derisively.
"That still doesn't explain why she hasn't been here. What's going on, baby? You two are inseparable." Mom's face was calm but concerned as she pried into my personal life. She didn't realize what a touchy subject this had become; I couldn't really blame her. Julia was always everywhere I was, and vice versa, so it was only natural that she'd wonder where she was.
"Well...I should really help Dad and Aaron load up, Mom," I said, trying to squirm out of the conversation.
"Ryan Mitchell Matthews, you will sit down and talk to your mother. Now."
I knew better than to argue with her when she was sporting that tone. I'd never win anyway.
The past couple of months hadn't been easy. It seemed like the time spent with Julia became less and less frequent. Not because I wanted it that way, but she always seemed busy with other things or other people. Even when all of us went out as a group, more and more she made excuses not to join in, and then I didn't want to go either.
"We just haven't been spending as much time together lately," I murmured as I folded my arms around the back of the chair I was straddling. "She's been working at the newspaper and doesn't have much free time. She works a lot of nights."
She continued to wrap glasses in old newspaper and pack the remaining glasses in the open box in front of her.
"But you're leaving tomorrow, Ryan, surely..."
I cut her off impatiently. "Look, Mom, the truth is that we're struggling with the separation and thought it would be better to create a little distance so we could deal. After I got my acceptance letter, I almost changed my mind and she basically kicked me in the ass, as is her usual habit."
My mother nodded. "Julia is wise beyond her years, Ryan. I know how close you've been, and I'm sure you'll keep in touch."
"Yeah, but it won’t be the same."
"Things change, Ryan. This is the beginning of both of your lives. What are Julia's plans?" She put down the glasses and moved to pull out the chair next to me. After she sat down, she reached for my hand and squeezed it.
"She has interviews with several magazines. She wants to work in editing and creative design. Ellie wants to design clothes and is looking for a job working as a junior designer at one of the big design firms. The only thing certain is that they hope to get jobs in the same city. Julia's portfolio is impressive so I know it won't be long. The question is where?"
My voice was low and introspective, almost like I was talking to myself.
"Where are they looking?"
"Ellie's boyfriend has a band in Los Angeles, but I was hoping they'd end up in New York. At least that's only two hundred miles from Boston." My mother reached out to touch my face. "Is that selfish?" I asked quietly.
She shook her head sadly. "It's normal, Ryan. I know how much Julia means to you."
"Do you?" The words were out before I could stop them.
"Yes. It will work out, you'll see," she said softly as she patted my cheek, her eyes full of understanding.
Aaron walked into the kitchen and scoffed at me. "Pfft! What the hell? I'm sweating my ass off hauling boxes and you're sitting on yours...chatting the day away?" His voice was stern but he was smiling. "Get these boxes outside so we can eat. I'm starving! Jen is on her way over with pizza and Jules is bringing dessert!"
I smiled at the prospect of seeing Julia for the first time in a week. "Wonder what she's making me," I said as I got up and picked up one box and stacked it with another.
"Oh, it's for you, is it?" Aaron called after me.
"Oh, yeah. It's for me and you know it." My heart dropped a little, even though I had a smile in my voice. This would be the last time in a long while that Julia would be baking something just for me and I felt a sadness I couldn't shake.
Even though we'd seen each other less than normal, we still texted and called each other daily. Julia insisted that would continue after I was in Boston and this was getting us used to the coming change. I missed her, but realized tomorrow would have been devastating if we continued to spend all of our time together.
I carried the boxes into the truck and stacked them on top of the others. The girls were pulling up just as I jumped down from the back and I went to help bring in the food.
"Ellie and Harris are on their way. We'll get this done fast if we all chip in!" Jen winked at me as she loaded my arms with pizza. "Then we have to take the truck to my place to get my boxes before we start loading furniture, right?" She smiled and flipped her hair as she turned toward the entrance to our building.
"Yeah, that's cool." I answered, watching Julia get out of the car. She smiled and went to open the back door of Aaron's Jeep. The shirt she was wearing was one of my favorites, a fitted button down in dark blue that brought out the pink tones in her porcelain skin and the warm breeze pushed her dark hair off of her face.
I wondered if she wore that intentionally.
Julia was getting the delectable dessert out of the back of the car. "Is it cheesecake or Black Forest?" I asked her with a smirk.
"You think you're so smart, don't you, Matthews?" she laughed as she pulled out the cheesecake and
showed it to me. I nudged her shoulder as we walked in together, both of us laden with the food.
"Only where you're concerned, Abbott."
"Julia!" my dad came around the truck to greet her. "I want to hug you, but Ryan would kill me if I ruin this great looking cheesecake!" He leaned over and kissed her cheek.
"It's great to see you, Gabe. Is Elyse here, too?" The excitement in her emerald eyes did funny things to my insides. I loved how she and my parents adored each other.
My mother came running out and removed the cheesecake from Julia's hands, handing it to my dad before folding her into a tight embrace.
"I'm so happy to see you, honey! You look great! I want to hear all about your plans."
Julia hugged her back and my dad and I continued into the apartment to set the food on the counter.
"That girl is beautiful, Ryan...and she cooks. I think I'd have to marry her, if I wasn't already so happy with your mother," Dad said and patted me on the shoulder.
I took a deep breath. Yeah.
I glanced outside, watching the two women go back to the car side by side. Julia reached in and emerged with the Black Forest cake I adored. Smiling, I rushed outside to take it from her.
"Ah, Julia. I love you," I said before I could stop myself. Her face flushed a bright red as I tried to cover. "Thank you, for this," I said as my mother looked from Julia's face to mine.
"A promise is a promise, Ryan, remember?"
Yeah, I remember. I remember every damn word you've ever said to me.
Harris and Ellie arrived, honking the horn of Harris's old conversion van as they pulled up and then we all went inside to eat. I wanted to skip the damn pizza and head straight for dessert, but Julia took the knife out of my hand as I started to cut into the cheesecake.
"What do you think you're doing?" She tried to sound annoyed, but I knew it caused her great pleasure that I loved her cooking so much that I couldn't wait to get into it.