by Kahlen Aymes
There was an intensity that went beyond friendship and I was strangely amazed and excited by it. He was so beautiful, he stole my breath away and his gentle teasing made him more and more endearing as the days passed. We bantered with an easy camaraderie but with a sizzling undercurrent that never went away. I felt like I’d known him forever, but was always so excited to see him. I looked forward to every moment that we spent together and missed him when he wasn’t home. Our talks had come to be the best part of my days, but I found myself wanting more…just wanting. It left me uneasy; feeling slightly vulnerable and on edge. I thought about him constantly and yearned to know the truth about our past. I was sitting on his bed, lost in my thoughts, when he knocked on the doorframe and poked his head around the edge.
“Honey, are you okay? Ready to go?” His voice held the concern that was mirrored on his face. Ryan came into the room and hesitated in front of me. I glanced up, taking in his casual dress of jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt with a monotone graphic design down the left side and sleeve. Totally hot; a soft sheen of stubble on his face only made him sexier. How much testosterone must he have to grow that beard in only a few hours? The thought made my body quicken and I blushed.
“I’m fine.” I lifted an eyebrow at him in question and smiled. “No hospital today?”
He shrugged and grinned at me. “Well, I can work if I want, but I thought we’d hang out after your appointments.” He bent down and slid an arm around me to lift me to my feet.
“Ryan, I can stand up on my own.” He had the grace to flush, letting me go and instantly I regretted my rash words.
“Yes, but I know it still hurts getting up and down.”
“Does it?” I asked. He just looked at me, his eyes narrowing. He didn’t like it when I tried to hide my discomfort, so I decided to change the subject. “Won’t you be bored waiting around?”
“Nah.” He shook his head slightly. “I’m taking my laptop. I have some research to do,” he dismissed my objection easily. I should have known that he’d find some way to work at least part of the day.
Ryan’s fingers spread out gently on my back as he led me down the hall and into the living room. He grabbed my long black wool coat and helped me put it on my right arm and draped it over my left shoulder. “You’ll get rid of this damn sling today, don’t worry.”
“It can’t be soon enough. I promised Aaron blueberry muffins and he reminds me daily.” Ryan grinned as he put on his own coat. I reached out to run my hand along the front of the soft leather. The scent and supple softness under my fingers darted through my head. His hand closed warmly over mine and my eyes flew up to his.
“Julia? What is it?” he asked; an unspoken knowledge in his eyes. Are you remembering? I struggled for the elusive flash of something that would connect me to our past, but it was fleeting. It was gone before it could solidify in my mind. Damn it! I closed my eyes for a split second.
I shook my head slightly. “Um, nothing, I guess. What did you have in mind for later?”
“We’ll play it by ear, okay? Let’s see how tired you get.”
“Yeah, sure. That’s fine.” He was so damn overprotective but I really wanted to get out of the apartment for awhile. “I think I’ll be okay. It will feel good to do something.”
We were going to see Dr. Brighton for a checkup and then I had another appointment with Dr. Moore. Dr. Moore. I wasn’t sure what to make of him. He asked questions designed to get me thinking, but mostly all we’d discussed were things I did remember. I didn’t understand how that was going to solve my current problem. We talked about my childhood, my parents and my friends growing up. I didn’t get it, but maybe there was a method to his madness. It was too early to tell. To give him credit, he’d only asked me how everything made me feel twice, a typical shrink thing to do…how did it make me feel that I forgot most of my college experience, my career and my best friend? Okay, seriously?
I huffed and Ryan caught it. He opened the door for me and waited, his eyes skirting over my face. “What?”
“I’ll tell you on the way.”
Aaron was sprawled on the couch watching TV. “Bye, Aaron,” I called over my shoulder.
“Have fun,” he threw back. “Hey, Ryan! Can we hit the gym later? Do you have time?”
“Not sure. I’ll call you.”
Surely the two men spent a lot of time working out. Aaron was bigger, but Ryan was leaner with more clearly defined muscles in his arms, legs and ass. I let my imagination run wild beneath his clothes. I could see the outline of his pecs through the t-shirt he was wearing and his broad shoulders and lean hips provided plenty of food for thought. Obviously his abs would be clearly defined as well. I swallowed and hoped he didn’t catch me staring. He didn’t seem to notice, thankfully. Heat infused my cheeks and I pressed the back of my hand to my face while Ryan closed the car door after me, walking around the front of the car to slide into the driver’s seat beside me.
He shoved the key into the ignition and glanced toward me before putting the car into gear. “Well?” he asked expectantly.
“What?” It was chilly outside and I shivered. Ryan reached forward to turn on the heater. Always so in tune with what I needed.
“What were you thinking about inside? You said you’d tell me in the car.”
I smiled, taking in the seriousness of his expression. He looked worried. “Oh, I was just thinking about my last session with Dr. Moore.”
He pulled onto the expressway, quickly accelerating and looking over his shoulder to merge into traffic. “Yes, and?” He was impatient.
“Nothing, really. It just seems sort of useless talking about things I remember. I thought the point was to help me remember what I forgot, not take a trip down memory lane.”
“Well…he probably wants to ease you into it. Just give it a little time, okay?”
I sighed. “Ryan, there really isn’t anything wrong with me. I mean, I’m not freaking out, I’m not crazy…do I really need a shrink?”
His brows dropped over his eyes as he considered my question. “Julia, I understand your frustration, but I don’t think he’s trying to be patronizing. Tell him you want to concentrate on the other stuff.”
“Why can’t you just tell me, Ryan? I feel…ugh!” I sighed and threw myself against the seat.
“You need to remember on your own.”
“In the entryway when I touched your coat, I had a flash. I remembered how it felt and smelled. I saw it in my head for a second but then it vanished before I could get the whole picture.”
“At least you’re getting something. I believe that it will come back, sweetheart.”
I was frustrated and angry. I couldn’t remember even something as simple as a leather jacket. “What happened that you don’t want me to know about? Are you a serial killer or something? Was I?”
He burst out laughing which only pissed me off even more. “Hardly!” When I looked out the passenger window and didn’t answer, Ryan sobered. “It’s only been two weeks since the accident. Give yourself time to heal. You’re expecting too much, too soon,” he said gently.
I didn’t speak to him for the remainder of the drive and when we pulled into the hospital parking lot, he helped me out of the car, pulling me into his arms and kissed my temple. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. He smelled like cologne and soap, fresh and musky. I relished the feel of his warm lips on my forehead. His mouth was soft as it moved when he spoke.
“I’m sorry that I laughed. That was insensitive of me. You’ve been going through a lot and this whole thing is confusing and frustrating…but it’s going to be okay, babe.” His hand rubbed up and down on my back and I longed to wrap my arm around him and lay my head on his chest. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll go have some fun after all this necessary bullshit, I promise.”
My heart was doing somersaults at his nearness, my body reacting in all sorts of delicious ways. I honestly didn’t understand how I could’ve been this close to him and just been h
is friend. He was too amazing in so many ways and he really cared about how I felt, which was a lethal combination.
Fucking irresistible.
He kissed my forehead again then moved his mouth down to my cheek. His breath washed over me in a wave of heat and I finally let myself lean into him. I had an overwhelming urge to lift my chin so I could feel those pliant lips on mine. My right hand curled around the fabric of his shirt underneath his open coat. Ryan pulled back and brushed his fingers along my jaw. “We’ll be late. We have to go.”
I swallowed and nodded. “Okay.”
He took my right hand and we walked into the hospital and to Dr. Brighton’s office without speaking. I trusted Ryan implicitly, feeling safe and protected whenever he was with me. I saw his perfect profile out of the corner of my eye and realized I wanted him to be more than my best friend. Much more.
Two hours later I was sitting in Dr. Moore’s office waiting to start our session, and Ryan was in the waiting room working on one of his cases. I rubbed my right arm with my left, thankful that the sling that kept me confined was finally gone. My shoulder was stiff but the only pain I had left was my still-healing ribs. It would still be several weeks until they were completely healed but the tape had been replaced with an elastic girdle that fastened with Velcro. It was tight and I felt like it added ten pounds underneath my knit shirt. Worst of all, I’d still need help getting it on and off.
Poor Jenna. She’d become my nursemaid, helping me with bathing and dressing and always being so gracious. She was funny, very kind and witty. I liked her a lot, but felt helpless and ridiculous that I needed her so much. I never realized how much I took simple things for granted. Not being able to take care of myself was completely humiliating.
Dr. Moore looked at me apologetically and shrugged. I used the time he was on the phone to take in his dark hair and business suit. He looked polished and professional, handsome in a stiff sort of way. He had a pleasant face and easygoing demeanor that probably worked well in his profession. I found myself comparing his slicked back hair with a wild shock of golden brown. He was shorter than Ryan by several inches and stockier, his neck thicker and his skin ruddier. His features weren’t as classically beautiful, and his eyes deeper set. I flushed when I realized what I was doing.
“Listen, Dave, I have a patient. I’ll talk to you later. Goodbye.” He hung up the phone and then folded his hands on his desk as he leaned forward on his elbows. “I’m so sorry, Julia. That was rude.”
“No, that’s okay.”
“How are you feeling?”
I cleared my throat. “Still sore, but so much better.”
“That’s excellent, but I meant emotionally. How are you handling things and how is it staying with your friends?” He smiled warmly, listening attentively.
“It’s good. Ryan is very protective and Aaron is always sweet. Jenna has been so helpful, but I feel bad for her; I’m such a burden. I do get uptight at times and feel guilty about intruding and I hate that I can’t remember. I want to know them, you know what I mean?” I was rambling.
“Sure. That’s understandable. It must be disorienting.”
“Um…I’d classify it more as frustrating. It’s worse because no one will tell me anything. Conversations get stilted. It’s not fair that they have to watch everything they say and do. It makes them uncomfortable and I hate it. Why is it necessary?”
“We all feel it’s in your best interest. You’ll remember, if and when you’re ready. No one wants to force or prod.”
“How would you feel if you had a huge hole in your life and no one would give you anything to go on? I mean eight years? It…hurts to have lost so much.”
“I can only imagine. I’m sorry that you’re going through that, but I do believe that you’ll get at least part of it back over time. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself.” His eyes narrowed slightly as he leaned back in his chair and tented his hands in front of him. “Is there anything in particular that you want to talk about today, Julia? Anything you feel I can help you with?”
I sighed. “Can you get Ryan to tell me what the hell is going on? I am constantly racking my brain, willing myself to remember. It feels like there’s more between us.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Just…everything. It’s a feeling. The way he looks at me and takes care of me. The tone in his voice changes when he talks to me. How he makes me feel.”
“How is that?” he asked.
I hesitated. My feelings for Ryan were personal. There were many complicated layers, so instead of trying to articulate them all, I picked the most obvious and unobtrusive one. “Hot,” I blurted out, embarrassed.
Dr. Moore smiled slightly. “What do you think that means?”
I started to feel like we were going in circles and it left me feeling tense. Shit. Didn’t I just say it? “I find him extremely attractive.”
“Have you told him how you feel?” he asked, tangibly hesitant.
“No.” I struggled for the words to explain. “I mean…if he really does only see me as a friend, I’d be humiliated. Can you please tell me and save all this angst?”
He completely ignored my prodding.
“Don’t you think it’s possible that the new living situation, the close proximity and how much you rely on him could cause those feelings? You’re both very attractive people and I don’t think Ryan is oblivious to that either, Julia. It’s natural in this situation, him being one of your caretakers; you both might feel that way.”
Ugh! Ryan my caretaker? Was I in a fucking nursing home, now?
“Of course. I’m not retarded, for God’s sake, but I just feel that with Ryan, it’s more than responsibility or even friendship. More than sexual attraction. I don’t see him as a nursemaid. Far from it; and he’d be pissed if I did.” His eyes widened at my presumption of Ryan’s feelings. “Do we really have to do this? Why do I have to explain? Telling you that I find Ryan attractive isn’t going to make me remember. And, it feels like it’s something that I should only share with him…when I’m ready.”
“Are you comfortable enough to talk to him about it?”
I shrugged. Honestly, the prospect freaked me out, like I was baring my soul. What if we really were only friends? I’d make a huge fool of myself and it would hurt me more than I was willing to face. “Er…I’m still working that out.”
The doctor nodded. I tried to read something on his face, to figure out what he knew. Of course, he talked to Ryan and Gabriel. They were both doctors on my case. At least, Ryan might as well have been, considering he was almost out of med school. “Well, he’s so accomplished and I feel very proud of him,” I hedged tentatively. “Like I have a personal stake in him. It fills me up in ways I don’t understand.”
“He has done very well. Don’t you think, as his friend, that you’d feel that way, too?”
Ugh! Always more open-ended questions and never any damn answers. “Of course,” I said in defeat. This wasn’t going anywhere. “But not so intensely.”
“And what vibes are you getting off of him, Julia?” he asked cautiously.
“He’s protective and attentive. He takes care of everything I need. He touches me and it’s like an electric current runs between us. I think he feels it too. At first I was stunned, but now…I want it. He seems…cautious about getting closer to me, and he refuses to tell me about our past.”
“Well, he’s very intelligent, Julia. We’ve discussed this and Ryan doesn’t want to do anything that might cause the memory loss to become permanent. He’s practically a doctor himself and he agrees.” I rolled my eyes involuntarily, and Dr. Moore smirked. “What do you think will help you remember?”
Not more psycho-babble bullshit, that’s for sure.
“I don’t know. If I did, don’t you think I’d do it? No offense, but I don’t think therapy is going to be a fucking miracle cure.”
“Julia, there is no need to get belligerent. I know you’re upset and frustrated
. I’m here to help you.” He stood and moved around his desk to sit on the edge in front of me, one leg hitched up and hanging over the corner. It felt like he was intruding, too close and, suddenly, I was remembering a line from that movie with Patrick Swayze. This is my dance space; this is your dance space. You don’t come into mine, and I don’t go into yours. I cocked my head at the thought, and picked at the fabric of my jeans so he wouldn’t see the amusement dancing on my face. He seemed harmless enough. Very nice, but so damn patronizing.
When I didn’t answer, he continued. “You’re probably right, you don’t need to be analyzed, but I’ll be available if you need to talk. We won’t need to meet in the office anymore. You can just call me if you need to talk and we can do so as friends. I don’t want you to feel pressured from anyone, including me.”
Okay, what? “Uh…sure, I suppose that would be okay.”
He smiled. “Good. So call me Spence.”
“Spence…?” I tried it out. It sounded so damn goofy, I wanted to laugh out loud. Old men in plaid pants were named Spence.
“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he asked easily and smiled.
“Totally,” I said flatly, and he grinned at my honesty.
“Before we end today, I wanted to ask if you’ve had any memories of your job?”
I shook my head. “Not really. Ellie told me that I worked for Vogue, which seems surreal. That is amazing in and of itself; but I don’t remember anything about the work. Which, considering I don’t remember my education, is probably a good thing,” I said sardonically. “Hmmph!” I let out my breath.
“Just take it one day at a time. I’ll let Dr. Brighton know that you won’t need any more formal sessions, but please do call me, Julia. If it’s okay, I’ll call to check on you once in a while.”
“Sure, I suppose.”
“Have you talked with your parents or Dr. Matthews?”
“Just about daily. Gabe talks to Ryan about me too, so he gets a double dose. Poor thing.”