by Kahlen Aymes
He smiled and nodded knowingly.
“Yes. Do you have a ride home?”
The corners of my mouth lifted. “Ryan is waiting.”
“Of course.”
I stood and picked up my coat, but Dr. Moore stood and took it from me, holding it up so that I could slip my arms inside.
“Thank you. I appreciate your help.” I offered him my hand and he used it to pull me into a loose hug.
“It’s been my pleasure. It’s been nice getting to know you.”
“You, too…Spence.” I forced the word out.
“Have a good afternoon.” He put a hand on my shoulder sliding it over my back and patted me gently.
I offered my thanks again and proceeded to the waiting room. Just as I had pictured, Ryan was bent over the laptop with a legal pad on the table to his right, writing notes down at the same time.
He looked up as I approached. “Oh, hey! How’d it go?”
“Well…I’m not crazy.” I grinned. He smiled back, powering down his computer and gathering up his things to put them neatly away in his bag.
He laughed softly. “No shit. We didn’t need to pay some jackass a hundred and fifty dollars an hour to tell us that.”
He made me smile. “Yeah, he’s not that big of a jackass. He’s nice, but it felt like the Spanish Inquisition.” Ryan stood up and threw on his coat and hoisted his laptop bag over his shoulder.
“I’m sure. Ready? You can tell me about it over lunch. I thought we’d go to Downtown Crossing, maybe get lunch at Goodlife. Sound okay?”
I nodded since I had no idea about either place. Obviously, from what he said, we’d been there together before. My eyes stung and I blinked rapidly in rebellion to the possibility of tears. Another thing I can’t remember.
It was a beautiful early April day, but the air was still brisk and the breeze made it even colder, despite the brilliant sunlight. I dug into my purse and pulled out my sunglasses to slip them on. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
“I don’t want to over-do it.”
“Can you please stop worrying? I’m feeling so much better, Ryan. Really.”
“No. I can’t stop; so get used to it,” he teased lightly.
I nudged his shoulder. “No moody ass today? I like it.” I was smiling so big my face hurt. I was seriously looking forward to time alone with Ryan. Maybe he’d be less guarded and I’d have a better opportunity to find out more about my past and our relationship.
His arm slipped around my waist to pull me close as we walked.
“No moody ass today.” He laughed again and I loved the sound. It made my heart thud and I slipped my now sling-free left arm around him in return. It felt…perfect. “I’m feeling pretty happy today. And very thankful.” His arm around me tightened and I never wanted him to let me go.
The mood was light, but I sensed an undercurrent of deeper meaning in his statement. I was enjoying Ryan’s happy mood and was looking forward to the afternoon, so I didn’t push.
At the restaurant, he chose a booth along one side of the bar. There were partitions of cherry wood which would make it easier to talk. It was fairly busy and bustling, with soft rock music playing in the background. My eyes searched for something familiar. Ryan slid my coat off and hung it up on the hook on the outside of the partition and did the same with his.
I winched slightly as I moved in the booth and Ryan’s eyes narrowed as he watched.
“Stop,” I admonished. “I’m fine.”
He leaned back against the booth and studied me with intent blue eyes. “I didn’t say anything.”
“I know what you’re thinking. Quit it.”
He leaned forward and reached across the table toward me. Without thinking, I automatically placed my hand in his and his fingers closed around mine. “What exactly am I thinking?” His tone was teasing and one eyebrow shot up. His mouth twitched as he tried to hide a smile.
“I can handle a little pain.”
“Hmmm,” was all he said.
The waiter came, gave us menus and took our drink orders before leaving us alone to peruse the offerings. I decided it was time to start the conversation.
“Ryan, have we been here before?”
“Yeah, a few times,” he said quietly, not glancing up from the menu. My heart fell because I couldn’t remember. The look on his face told me he was processing the same realization. “Mostly at night. Jen likes the DJ. The food is good, too.”
His disappointment was obvious, but he quickly hid it, glancing up at me as he continued talking. “What do you feel like?”
“Maybe the hummus wrap. It sounds good.”
“Yeah, it is.” He closed his menu and reached for his water glass.
“Can we come some evening? I mean, it might be more familiar then,” I said hopefully. He studied me carefully, his features softened and he nodded.
“Sure. So tell me about your session with Dr. Moore.” His eyes darted to mine. “If you want,” he added.
“It was nothing really. More questions. We came to the conclusion that I don’t need a therapist.”
Both of Ryan’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Really? I figured he’d have you coming in for a while.”
“Nope. He’s taking a new tack. Less formal, I suppose.”
“In what way?” Ryan tensed slightly. “Um, uh…what did you guys talk about?”
I bristled. If I wanted Ryan to be honest with me, I’d need to be honest with him, too. Just as I was about to speak, the waiter came and took our order. Ryan ordered my wrap and BBQ steak tips for himself. His illustrated practice at it suggested the closeness that I felt between us. He picked up his beer and waited for me to continue.
“Well, I told him how frustrated I am about what’s been lost. Especially the stuff with you,” I said hesitantly, watching for a flicker of something that would confirm my suspicions. My heart tightened as I watched his reaction. He brought his eyes to meet mine and again reached for my hand. “I told him that his questions did little to help me remember and I wished someone would tell me something.”
“And…his response?” His words were carefully placed, guarded.
“That it was for my own good. Basically the same thing you’ve said. But I’m so tired of hearing that, Ryan!”
His thumb rubbed the top of my hand over and over. “I know. I’d tell you if I thought it was what you needed, but I won’t do anything that could hurt you. You believe that, don’t you?”
I knew it was true, but that didn’t make it any easier. “Yes,” I sighed. “I can deal with not knowing about some of it, but with you…Ryan, I want to know about us.”
He looked away and out into the restaurant. “Like what? Things we do when we hang out? I’ll tell you anything you want about me, Julia. We hung out a lot in college, we went to concerts and parties…took some trips together. Sometimes the others came with us. All of us…we’re pretty close.”
He wasn’t going to do more than give me a rundown of events and try to bury anything real in layers and layers of superficial facts. He was trying to distract me by confusing the issue, trying to take the focus off of anything remotely personal.
“What kind of trips?”
“Ski trips or camping. Spring break in Tahoe or Cancun. Stuff like that. Sporting events, concerts. Lots of things.” The list came out flat, uncomfortable and hesitant.
“Yes. I guess with all the history there would be quite a bit,” I said quietly. Finally, he turned back to face me, the muscle in his jaw working as he clenched his teeth. It appeared this was as difficult for him as it was for me. I sensed sadness behind his eyes that went beyond the frustration I felt.
“What about your music? Did you play for me?”
“Yeah. Often.”
I sensed the answer before he even said it.
“You have a beautiful singing voice, Julia. I love listening to you sing as much as you like hearing me play. Music was something we shared. I haven’t played in weeks.”
My
throat tightened at his admission. It was something.
“What about after you came to Boston? Were we still in touch? Did we still see each other?”
“Julia…” He stopped and ran a hand through his hair. It seemed a nervous habit when he was agitated. “Sure. Not as much, but we’re still friends, aren’t we? Doesn’t that tell you we kept in touch?”
“Is that what we are really?” I asked a little too sharply even to my own ears, the impatience I felt seeping through my words. “Friends?”
“Always,” he answered seriously. “I thought that was already established.”
I nodded, but I was disappointed. I wanted to hear something deeper and I figured it showed in my expression and could be heard in the shortness of my tone. I instantly regretted it. I wanted today to be special.
“Then what’s with this doubt? Can we just have fun today, please?” His words echoed my thoughts and I nodded in response. Ryan visibly relaxed. “You didn’t tell me the rest of what happened with Dr. Moore.”
Okay, so he moved the subject away from where I wanted to go with it. “He wants to be my friend, too.”
Ryan didn’t speak for a moment, his cobalt eyes contemplative, like he wasn’t sure what to say.
“What? Like how?” he asked almost against his will. It made my heart swell but I decided not to press him for more and instead let myself bask in his obvious concern. I wanted to feel closer, to get him to share more, not build walls that would cause him to back away.
I cocked my head to one side and shrugged. “Hell if I know. Maybe he can join us on camping trips and shit,” I said with false sarcasm that wasn’t lost on Ryan. He knew I was baiting him, and I fought not to laugh at his incredulous expression. I bit my lip and looked up through half-closed eyes. Deep down, I was certain there was more than what he was telling me. I wanted to test him, if ever so slightly.
“Pfft,” he joined in the teasing, a beautiful smile spreading across his face. My heart soared and I laughed. “Not if you expect me to be there.” He rolled his eyes.
“Would you let me go without you, Matthews?”
“Not a snowball’s chance in hell.” I let the laughter bubbling in my chest, out in full force. That would have to be good enough for now. It was very telling when he grinned in response.
“Wow. You must really be a good friend, Ryan.”
“Hmmph,” he snorted and I laughed out loud again.
I leaned back as the waiter came and set our food down in front of us. My stomach rumbled as I picked up my fork.
“Put it this way…I’ll do what is necessary to keep your cute little ass out of trouble.”
“Spence called you my caretaker, if you can believe that.”
“Is that so? Hope you set him straight.”
“As a matter of fact, yeah,” I said as I sliced off a piece of the wrap, wondering if Ryan picked up my use of Spence’s first name. “Do you really think my ass is cute?”
“So it’s Spence now, is it?”
I shrugged and swallowed the first bite. “Like I said, friends, but don’t worry. I only have room for one over bearing ass of a best friend and it appears the position’s been filled.” My jaw jutted out and I struggled not to smile.
“Good answer.” His eyes sparkled with amusement as he finally dove into his lunch.
RYAN~
Julia was watching TV with Jen, Aaron was at the gym and I was stuck in front of the damn computer yet again. I’d called my brother earlier to tell him that I couldn’t join him despite really needing the exercise.
Julia and I spent the afternoon roaming through the shops downtown. We had a really nice time, but being near her was taking a toll on my control. I found myself starting to touch her several times and caught myself. It was harder than hell not to pull her close, press her body to mine and kiss her like I’d done a million times before. Her laughter sucked me in and I was losing my resolve to keep my distance. The cool air brought a blush to her cheeks and the wind whipped the hair off of her beautiful face, now almost completely void of bruises. My hands itched to wind in those silken strands more and more as the day progressed, a mixture of heaven and hell.
Sequestered in my room on the pretense of studying, I tried to get my bearings. If I joined the girls now, I’d pull Julia onto my lap and wrap her in my arms. I missed her as much as I did when she and I had been separated, but maybe it was worse having her this close and not being able to make love to her or show her my feelings. I was in agony.
I glanced at the clock. Just past ten PM. I pushed my laptop back on the desk, put my head down in my hands and closed my eyes. They were burning from looking at the computer and I was tired. Julia must be, too. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed like that, not moving when a soft knock on the door lifted my head.
“Yes?”
The door cracked open slightly. “Ryan? Are you hungry?” Julia’s soft voice preceded her into the darkened room. She had changed into flannel pajama pants and a small white t-shirt. Her hair was in a knot at the top of her head. She looked so warm and inviting. I couldn’t help remembering the nights I’d peeled those very clothes off of her luscious body and made passionate love to her for hours on end.
“Uh, sure. I could eat, but don’t put yourself out on my account, honey.”
“Aaron called and hinted that he wanted me to cook.” She chuckled gently. “He knows I got my straight-jacket off today,” she said, a smile still curving her full lips. My eyes stared as she licked them once. “So…any requests?”
I turned in my chair as she lurked in the doorway. “Didn’t Aaron tell you what he wanted?”
“Uh uh. Jen said he’d eat anything.”
I ran a hand through my hair. “Yes. That’s a fact.” She looked so alluring, all I wanted was to gather her close and bury my face in her hair. “Um, well then…can you make Pad Thai?”
She smiled. “Okay. You look tired, sweetie.” That sweet voice melted around me like honey, and my heart thumped rapidly inside my body at the endearment. Maybe she does remember me.
“I am. Aren’t you? We had a big day.”
“A little. I’ll bring yours in when it’s ready.”
“I can come out there.”
“I think you should have your room back, Ryan. I’ll take the couch from now on.”
“No,” I dismissed without a second’s hesitation.
“Do you always have to argue? I can fit better and I’m feeling much better now.”
“No,” I said again. “Julia…” But this time it was her turn to dismiss me.
“We’ll discuss it in a few minutes. I have to see what you’ve got in the kitchen.”
I smiled and rubbed the back of my neck tiredly. I’d given Jenna a grocery list so that Julia would have what she needed, in anticipation of an occasion such as this.
“What?” She caught my smile and hesitated on her turn from the room.
“Nothing. You’ll probably find everything that you’re looking for in there. Just a hunch.”
Her face split into a beautiful smile. “You think? I must have a guardian angel,” she scoffed.
“No, I do. Jenna.”
“Oh. That was sweet of her.”
The outside apartment door burst open loudly from the other room. “Juuullllliiiiaaaaa!” Aaron called. “I hear you’re healed, honey, and I’m hungry!”
Julia burst out laughing, but stopped short, gathering her arms around her ribs in a grimace. I moved toward her and reached for her, feeling the elastic bands of the brace around her middle, tucked up against the lower edge of her bra. “Pretty sexy, eh?” she said and rolled her eyes.
“Yes.” I looked down into her deep green eyes, overwhelmed by the need to take her mouth with mine. She had no clue how she affected me. If she were wearing a burlap sack, I’d think she was the sexiest woman alive. Touching her caused my body to spring into action uncomfortably. I tried to hide it and returned to the desk, shutting the computer down and plunging the room in da
rkness, giving myself time to get it under control.
“Do you want to help? Or, just hang out with me while I cook?” Her hopeful voice came through the dark. I realized that it had been more than three hours that I’d been locked away in my bedroom.
“Lead the way,” I said and followed her into the kitchen. Aaron came forward to hug her. “Aaron, easy, she still has some pain.”
“Dude, please.” His arms enfolded her small form gently. “Did you have a good day today? Jen said you went out after your appointments.”
“Yes, it was a nice day.” Her eyes met mine as I leaned on the breakfast bar. “Fun.” She moved to the refrigerator and took out some chicken, eggs, scallions, garlic, tamarind paste and cilantro. “Ryan? Are the noodles up here?” She pointed to a cabinet above the sink where she’d arranged all of the pasta, rice and canned goods when we’d first moved in the summer before med school. I nodded and got them down so she wouldn’t hurt herself.
Julia gathered some other items, placing them on the counter, then filled a cup with water and put it in the microwave to boil. When it was finished heating, she dropped some of the tamarind paste into it. I’d seen her make Pad Thai so many times; I probably could have made it myself.
Jenna and Aaron perched on the stools at the counter while Julia started chopping the scallions and I filled a glass bowl that I’d retrieved from beneath the counter with hot water. I opened the rice noodles and plunged them into the water to soak.
Julia threw a glance at me and smiled as she worked. “Hmmm. If I didn’t know better, I’d say we’d been here before. Jenna, thank you for the finely stocked kitchen.”
“Are you kidding? These two made the list and I was happy to do it as long I don’t have to cook.” She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and Aaron patted her on her rear.
“Hmmm…anyone want tofu?” Julia glanced up from her chopping to ask.
I took out a cereal bowl and a fork and placed them next to the eggs. “Not necessary for me. You guys?” I asked the others.
After it was agreed that we didn’t need tofu and I’d pulled the wok out of the drawer underneath the oven, I took two beers from the refrigerator and handed one to Aaron. Jenna shot me a look. I smiled and took the hint, handing her the one I’d just opened, turned and grabbed another. Julia would probably take a pain pill before bed, so I found a bottle of Perrier and poured it into a glass. I reached into the refrigerator for a lime and placed it on the cutting board.