by Kahlen Aymes
She’d startled me and I jumped, turning away from her. I didn’t know which one of us I was protecting, but, in Julia’s mind, we’d never been together like this, she wouldn’t remember seeing me naked, even if it was common practice. “Julia, you’ve got to stop doing that. Get out of here,” I almost groaned over my shoulder. “We’ll talk later.”
“Like hell we will,” she choked out, her voice was urgent, broken. “Don’t you think these months have changed anything? Do you think I’m indifferent to you? Can’t you tell?”
“Yes, I know you trust me, and care for me…even that you want me, if that’s what you mean.” I gave up trying to hide my body from her view and grabbed the shampoo, squeezing some onto my palm and lathering up my hair. “But, is it just because these months are all you have to base anything on? You’ve had to rely on me and I don’t delude myself. I can’t afford…!”
My heart sank the second I said the words, the hurt on her face was killing me.
She gasped loud enough that I could hear it over the running water. “Really? Is it real or is it fucking Memorex?!!”
“Julia,” I began but she cut me off angrily.
“Damn you for saying that,” she said, her tone dead still, fists clenched at her sides and eyes liquid. “These feelings are all I’ve got! To me they are so real I can barely handle them. Don’t you dare try to discount this into some doctor-patient bullshit. My heart remembers you, Ryan. Even if my mind can’t!”
My heart was breaking. I wanted it to be true so bad I couldn’t even stand it. I rinsed my hair in a hurry, suddenly aching to get the hell out of there. “Julia, we’ve got time. Just…stop worrying.”
“I know you’ll take care of me. I’m worried about you, Ryan. This hurts you, and I’m keeping you from having a real life. It’s wrong and I’m scared that you’ll end up hating me. I…I just couldn’t bear that.”
The truth swelled up inside me, threatening to burst free like water from a dam.
“You are my real life, Julia.” The words were out before I could stop them. I turned to find her taking her clothes off as she looked at me. “You…always have been.” I froze and my pulse quickened, “I could never hate you. It’s…not possible,” I stammered in resigned defeat as she moved toward me. It was over. I wouldn’t be able to fight this. My heart was racing, my blood rushing, and my body on fire at the site before me.
“If that’s true, then take back your life, Ryan. I’m begging you,” she cried as she opened the shower door and stepped inside. My eyes devoured her naked form like a dying man in the desert. I hadn’t looked upon her like this for four months. Since the night I’d proposed, since the weekend we’d conceived our child. My whole body started to shake with the undeniable emotion that I’d buried for the past three months.
Her hands came to rest on my chest and she kissed me just above my collarbone, her lips lingering on my skin and sending heat licking along my veins like fire. I stood frozen, wanting to crush her to me, but terrified of the consequences. “Take back what’s yours…I know you want me, and I want you. So much,” she whispered urgently against my skin and then nuzzled up toward my jaw, brushing her open mouth along it.
“Julia…I’m not made of stone. Please…” I begged; my hands coming up to lightly touch her waist. “Oh, my God.”
My body was throbbing to the point of pain, springing to life the instant she started dropping her clothes. It had been so long since we’d made love and I was starving for her. Literally dying; my lungs struggled for air as I started to pant with the effort of it.
“Please…don’t fight this, Ryan.” Her voice took on the sultry tone that I had always found irresistible.
Julia stood on her tiptoes and pressed her body against mine, grinding my erection between us, her hands slid like silk up over my chest and around my neck. If she didn’t remember, her subconscious was guiding her in her movements, each one so familiar. Her touch ignited every carnal urge I’d ever had, burning as her hands moved over me, until they finally fisted in my hair and pulled my head down toward her open mouth.
I could feel my resolve crumbling. I longed to taste her. I wanted to kiss her and never stop.
“Julia…” I whispered against her mouth as her tongue darted out to flick my upper lip. It was like she knew my weakness and I wouldn’t be able to resist. A groan ripped from my chest as I finally let my mouth crush down on hers, tongue sliding into her mouth and entwining with hers. Dear God, she tasted so good and felt so amazing, soft and hot against me.
This was my Julia, the love of my life and she wanted to give me everything. It was more than I could take. Her mouth moving hotly under mine was driving me to distraction, and what I’d been dreaming about for months.
She whimpered at the onslaught, but opened her mouth further and met me kiss for kiss. I gathered her up and lifted her closer, pushing her against the shower wall. God, it was good. It was us, just as always. Our lips mirrored each other so perfectly, knowing what the other needed and willing to give it all. I was sucking intermittently with little licks and nudging her top lip with my lower one, before fully taking her mouth with mine and thrusting my tongue as deep into her mouth as I could. She pulled it in further, sucking on it and I ground my pelvis into hers, causing her to moan into my mouth. Desire engulfed me like never before. I wasn’t sure how long we stood there, clinging to each other, our hands and mouths couldn’t get enough.
I let myself be consumed as I kissed her, and my hands slid over her breasts, taking their weight and running my thumbs over the hardened tips. They weren’t overly large, but still full, perfectly round and responsive. I knew just how to touch her, leaving her breathless and moaning. Her nipples hardened even more, as my knee slid between her legs and pressed into her moist heat. “Uhhnnnggg, Julia.” I sucked in my breath as her nails raked down my back.
The blood pounded in my ears and my dick twitched thickly against her stomach. I was dying to bury myself deep within her, to feel her clenching around me and writhing in the incredible pleasure I knew that we would give each other. My hands moved lower over the round firm curves of her butt and I pulled her tighter against me, seeking the pressure and friction I needed. I was about to lift her and bring her legs around my waist when she spoke against my mouth.
“God Ryan, was it always like this between us?” she gasped out and I stilled instantly. “It’s so amazing.”
My heart ached at those words. She didn’t remember what it was like having me touch her, or what it felt like to have me inside her, making love to her until neither one of us could take anymore. She didn’t remember that I was the first one to take her, the only one.
I rested my forehead on hers as I struggled for control. I was shaking so badly I thought I’d fall to my knees. I braced myself against the wall of the shower behind her head.
And what if Moore is right? As much as I wanted to make love with her, as much as I needed her, I couldn’t do it. Not yet. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I worried how she would interpret my stopping.
This would hurt and it would hurt badly. For both of us.
I brushed her hair back and bent to kiss her softly on the lips. Julia responded and her hands pulled me back again, arching up to press her mouth harder into mine. It was killing me not to take her, to lose myself. I longed to pump every ounce of love I felt into her until she was left breathless and quivering around me.
“Julia, you have to know how much I want this, but…we…oh fuck, we can’t. Not yet.”
She pulled back from me as if I had burned her. I couldn’t see her eyes, because she had them closed, but I knew the pain and rejection I would find in their green depths. My heart broke all over again when my suddenly empty arms were left to grasp at the space where she had been. “Honey, I…just think that we should…”
She pushed out of the shower with a bang, quickly gathering up her clothes and rushing into the bedroom. I grabbed a couple of towels and followed her. Her back was to me as she struggle
d to quickly pull on the clothes over her wet skin while I wrapped a towel around my waist. She pulled and pulled on the jeans as they stuck to her legs, her shoulders shaking with grief, the tears clearly visible on her face now. I could hear her crying and it put me in hell.
“Julia…” How could I be so damn stupid?
“Please.” Her voice broke. “Don’t…don’t say anything. I’m so…humiliated. I have to get out of here. I c…can’t be with you right now.” She wouldn’t look at me.
“Julia, don’t. You shouldn’t feel that way.”
She finally turned to me as she threw her t-shirt back over her head. “Why!? Why shouldn’t I feel that way, Ryan? Because I just threw myself at you and you don’t want me? Be…because you push me away and yet don’t want me to go back to New York? You can’t have it both ways! I can’t do this anymore! You won’t help me remember…and I want to remember you so damn bad!”
Frustration welled within me, pissed that she thought I didn’t want her, hurt that she was hurting, angry at the entire situation. “You think I don’t want you? You see what you do to me, Julia! I want you so much it puts me in physical pain! What I don’t want is to hurt you! I’m so worried about what could happen. I…love you.”
She raised her eyes to mine and I could see how much she was hurting, how angry she was.
“Yeah, sure. You love me so much, you ignore what I want, rather than let me touch you, hold you…feel you inside my body like I’m dying for! What I want is for you to tell me the truth, treat me like I imagine it should be like between us. Like I can tell it was between us, the way it is when you almost give in! Tell me, Ryan!” she practically screamed, both of her hands going up to grasp the sides of her head. “I want you to not be able to help yourself. I want you to want me like I want you…to love me so much you can’t stop yourself from touching me.” She sank down on the edge of the bed and cried like I’d never heard her before. Her heart was broken and I’d never felt more helpless. “Just now? That was us!” Silence hung between us like a storm until finally she screamed at me and I jumped inside my skin. “Wasn’t it!!??” Her tone was hysterical and broken but softer as she put her hands over her face and sobbed, her little shoulders shaking uncontrollably.
Please, please you have to know how much I fucking love you!
I pulled on my clothes and sat down next to her, reaching out a hand to place it on her back. Julia flinched away while I struggled to find the words that would soothe her and not add to her pain. I sucked in a breath and opened my mouth but closed it again. Nothing I could say would change what had just gone down.
“You think I don’t feel this, Ryan? Do you think it would hurt so damn much if I were fucking oblivious? I r-remember that I l-love you. Just b-because I don’t remember everything we did together…doesn’t mean I-I d-don’t remember I l-love you,” she cried brokenly. “D-don’t you want that?”
“Oh, babe…” I began and tried to pull her close, wanting to comfort her.
Her sobs ripped at my soul. “Why won’t you let me love you?”
I held her for a few minutes until she finally melted into me, as I pulled her onto my lap, and we both buried our faces in the curves of each other’s neck. My throat was throbbing and my eyes were tearing. Her words had fallen around me like meteors crashing to earth, leaving mass destruction in their wake. My hand stroked her head, she sighed and finally the hiccoughing sobs lessened.
“Julia…I love you so much. You’re my entire world. I feel like if you don’t know that for certain, I just…I can’t survive.” She sat in my arms without speaking as I touched her, brushing her hair back and kissing her face, tasting her salty tears on my lips. Finally, she drew in a shaky breathe and pulled back to look into my face.
“All these months, I may not have remembered much, but I’ve figured some things out. I know you’re the only man that’s ever made love to me. I know it.”
“How?” I asked softly, a little bit afraid of the answer that was to come. My chest constricted at this small truth that she’d uncovered. It was monumental.
“Because. You’re the only person that’s shrouded in the darkness. I remember my parents; I remember my job and some of school. If I’d been with anyone else, if anyone had touched me like you have, I’d remember it. It’s only ever been you, hasn’t it?” Her hand brushed gently against my jaw, almost not touching.
My hand was trembling as I pushed her hair gently off of her face. The wet strands clung to her cheeks as my fingers slid across her delicate skin. Finally, I met her eyes. “Yes,” I said softly, and she sighed into me. “It was like a miracle. Such a beautiful…gift.”
“Will you tell me about it? Please? I know you want me like I was before, but what if I never remember? I want your pain to go away…to give you what I can, so tell me.”
“Ugh, Julia.” She was worrying about me. That was so typical of her. “I can’t. Part of me wants to so damn bad.”
Her eyes hardened and she pulled away from me once again to stand with her back to me, her hand plunking at the keys on my keyboard. “Just forget it. You won’t come back to me either, don’t you see that? I guess we’re both irrevocably broken.”
My heart fell sickeningly and I stood to place my hands on her shoulders. The instant I touched her, she shrugged me off.
“You’d better hurry. Tanner and the gang are waiting at the library. Tell Liza I said hi.”
I dropped my hands in silence behind her, but she never moved. A hot flush spread out under the skin of my face and chest. I never felt so distant from her. My heart panicked, but I didn’t know how to comfort her.
I packed up my books into my backpack and flung it over my shoulder and walked toward the door of my room.
I turned toward her again but she averted her face away.
“I do not think you’re broken, Julia. I just want to give you time to heal and not do more harm. You mean everything to me.”
Her face hardened and her chin jutted out as she looked at the floor. “Yeah, you’ve made that clear. I’ll see you later,” she effectively dismissed me.
I could barely make my feet move, but I turned and walked away. Hopefully, after she’d had some time to cool off, we’d be able to talk.
Maybe she was right, and she might not ever remember. But was I ready to lose her completely?
Not under any circumstances.
I wanted any type of life with her. Yes, it would be painful if she didn’t remember, but not half as bad as the thought of a life without her.
I still wanted to make sure that telling Julia the past would be safe; and my dad would be straight with me. I took a deep breath as I got into my car, feeling slightly better after the decision was made.
I tossed my book bag into the passenger seat and started the car and threw it into gear, hoping distance between us for awhile would ease some of the pain. Who the hell are you kidding, Matthews?
I pulled out my phone and dialed Jenna first.
“Hey, shithead,” she laughed into the phone as she answered.
“Julia and I just had a fight. Where are you? Aaron told me he wouldn’t be home until midnight and I don’t want her to be alone. Can you get there?”
“You know, Ryan, Julia isn’t sick, she’s physically fine and she’s not crazy. She doesn’t need us lurking.”
“Jenna. Please. I’m…worried about her.”
“What the hell did you fight about?”
“Uh…she wants to start over and to hell with her memory loss but I’m just…I’m terrified. She’s not ready to remember the pregnancy, Jenna. If she could deal, she’d remember on her own. I can’t risk it and she thinks I don’t want her.”
“Wow. Shit, okay. I’ll be home in an hour after my shift ends.”
“Will you call me? I’m going to the library for awhile but nothing is more important to me than Julia. If I need to come home, I’m there.” I drew in a deep breath.
“Okay, I promise. It will work out, Ryan.”
>
“Thanks. You’re saving my life. Again.” I hung up and dialed my father.
Julia~
“Aaron, can you come home? I need to talk to you.”
There was a pregnant silence on the other end of the line…finally he spoke in a quiet tone. “Jules, what’s this about?”
“Aaron, please. Will you just come home? I’d like to talk to both you and Jen. It’s about Ryan.” Even I could hear the desperation in my voice. My chest hurt and I knew what I had to do.
Jenna held out her hand for the phone, which I quickly handed over.
“Just come home,” she said; her voice tense and her eyes trained on my face. “See you in a few minutes.”
After Ryan left, I sat in the dark for what seemed like hours, until I got up and packed my things, as quickly as possible. I wanted to be gone before Ryan returned. Afterward, I went back and waited in silence for Jen and Aaron.
Aching silence.
Time stood still but dragged until Jen showed up and sat with her arm around me. It was like she knew what I was going through and she didn’t try to pry.
“Is there anything you need?” Jenna asked softly.
I wrapped my arms around myself and shook my head. Nothing you can give me.
I needed to remember my fucking life and Ryan to let us happen. My soul was screaming for him. I didn’t even know what I expected Aaron to say, but I needed something. Anything.
I went into the bathroom and leaned on the counter, staring into the mussed reflection in the mirror. I recognized my face. I remembered most of my life, so why couldn’t I remember Ryan? I stared into my eyes and cursed the brain behind them.
I had fallen in love with him all over again and wanted to be closer to him still. It hurt desperately that he kept pulling back. Every time I felt he’d cave-in; he somehow found the strength to resist. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my body and someone had stomped on it. The agony on his beautiful face as he hurried out of the apartment had literally left me breathless, the pain was so intense. I was empty, like my heart was missing.