by Kahlen Aymes
My red-rimmed eyes were a reminder of my evening; alone on the couch, crying for God knew what. Was it for my lost memory or Ryan’s rejection? I couldn’t tell anymore. I felt numb, hollow. My body and mind, exhausted.
I was tired of trying to figure shit out. I knew the feelings were new and reminiscent of our past but couldn’t reconcile why he wouldn’t embrace it. Ryan was good and kind, amazing in everything he did, but this went way beyond that.
We were everything. I knew it by the longing his mere presence brought forth and the few times when he had faltered in his resolve…the few delicious times when he had almost given in. In the shower or on the piano bench…I could see the love in his luminous blue eyes.
This is so fucked up.
Ryan needed me to remember more than I needed to remember for myself.
I put my hand up to cover my eyes as new tears dripped down my cheeks, the numbness dissolving into a torrent of sadness again. I thought that I didn’t have any more tears left, but the well seemed endless. I finally got myself under control so I could be prepared to speak with Aaron and Jenna.
I went back into the living room, lost in my thoughts. The door burst open and Aaron strode in from outside while Jen emerged from their bedroom. They both came into the living room together. Aaron took the seat on my left and Jenna sat on the arm of the chair next to him.
Aaron nodded toward the bags on the floor next to the door.
“What’s that about?” His usually smirking face was serious and worry flooded his features. “Julia?”
I glanced down at my hands, wringing in my lap. “I’m…I think I should…” I hesitantly met his eyes and then Jenna’s. They’d been so good to me and I was grateful, but burdening their lives wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair to any of them. Especially Ryan.
“Julia, it’ll be okay,” Jen said.
I shook my head. “But, it isn’t. Don’t you see that?” My voice was shaking and my hands were, too. “Ryan is in so much pain.” I didn’t feel it necessary to share the details of the events of the evening. “I can’t do this to him anymore. It’s been nearly three months and, still, there are only glimpses of my past. It’s time to resume my life in New York. Maybe it will help me remember and more importantly,” I tried to swallow the rising lump in my throat, “Ryan can move on.” I heard my voice crack. “He deserves to be happy.”
Aaron shook his head. “This won’t make him happy, Julia. I’ve tried to talk to Ryan about how asinine Moore’s theories are, but he won’t listen. You’ll break him if you leave, Julia.”
I stood and walked to the window. The lights from surrounding buildings outside blurred under my stare. I blinked and a single tear dripped from my lashes. I quickly reached up and brushed it away as I struggled for words.
“Spencer’s on Ryan’s side, but going back to New York might help me remember.”
“Clearly you love him, Julia,” Jenna said softly.
There was no point in denying it, and I couldn’t even if I wanted to, but loving him wasn’t enough.
“Yes. More than anything” I nodded and dipped my head, bringing both hands up to the sides of my face. “That’s why I have to go. I see how it hurts him to have memories of us that I don’t share anymore. It’s like I died, but I’m here haunting him constantly. I won’t hurt him like that anymore. I feel how he suffers and I can’t stand it. I just can’t, Aaron.” My throat ached with tears, every syllable a struggle.
“Do you understand?” I almost whispered.
“Not really.” Aaron rubbed the back of his neck. “Ryan will never get over this, Julia. Even if you went to the moon and he never saw you again, he’ll always miss you. I saw it when…” His voice dropped off.
Once again the hesitation was revealing. Spencer did me a disservice when he told everyone who loved me that they couldn’t talk to me. And now, tonight, Aaron was doing it again.
“You say that now, but as time passes he will. I’m holding him back. So I’m going back to my life.” Aaron huffed and I shot him a questioning look. “What’s the alternative, then? Will you tell me about my past?” I asked them both.
Aaron sighed and Jen’s face was covered in sadness.
“Will you?” I asked again.
“This is Ryan’s decision, Julia, not ours. He spoke to Dad and Spence and they both feel that it could do permanent damage…” Aaron began, but I interrupted him angrily.
“What the hell is this, Aaron? If it isn’t permanent damage?! Not remembering Ryan is…from what I can tell, the biggest tragedy of my life,” I said in defeat. “And his.”
“Why can’t you just build a new life together?”
“Ask Ryan! I want to, but he is afraid that he’ll force me to remember whatever the hell it is he doesn’t want me remembering.” I laughed through my tears. “Force me, when I am begging him to tell me. The problem is; he doesn’t want it to be like a story someone told me. He needs me to feel the memories, to have lived through them with him, and I…understand why he needs that. He deserves that.”
“Julia,” Jenna began, “have you told Ryan of your plans? He’ll be…”
“Fucking devastated, that’s what he’ll be,” Aaron said angrily. “Don’t do this to him, Julia.”
“Aaron, I love Ryan but he is suffering! He barely touches me now and it hurts too much to be around each other!” I was practically yelling, my body shaking and tears beginning to rain down my face. I went to the door and shoved my feet into my sneakers. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I keep hoping that something will happen, that one day I’ll wake up and it will all come back to me, but it doesn’t. Every day the hope in his eyes turns into disappointment when he realizes I still haven’t remembered. It kills me and worse, it’s killing him. I’m going insane with it!” I cried. “My heart loves him, my soul knows him, but my damn mind won’t remember!” I cried; the sobs barely contained. My heart ripped apart inside my chest.
I rushed blindly to the door and picked up my bags. “I’ll send for the rest of my stuff later.”
“Julia, don’t…” Jenna came toward me with Aaron close on her heels.
His expression had softened during my diatribe and he put his arm around me and pulled me close. One of the bags fell from my shoulder onto the floor as I melted into him and sobbed.
“I’m doing this for Ryan. Please take care of him for me. I love him so much.”
“Then why go, Julia?” I moved out of his arms and looked into his face. I reached out to Jen. She took my hand and squeezed. “Ryan loves you more than I’ve ever seen.”
“But it’s not enough. He needs me to remember, and I can’t give that to him right now. If, by some miracle it happens, then I’ll come back. I promise. Thank you both for everything. I love you.” I wiped at my tears, picked up my bags and left the apartment for the last time. I was leaving my heart behind with Ryan and it hurt like hell.
“Julia!” Aaron called after me, but I didn’t turn back.
I rushed out the door, tears blinding me as I stumbled down the steps and onto the sidewalk. I stopped and gasped for breath between the sobs, my shoulders slumped. Struggling, I tried to wipe at my eyes.
Suddenly two strong arms enfolded me. “Where in the hell do you think you’re going, Julia?” Ryan’s voice was hard, but still smooth as silk. Still my Ryan.
Silent tears fell. “Let me go,” I begged, torn between pushing away from him and letting myself melt into the safety of his arms. “You don’t want me and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
I heard a sharp intake of breath. “Is that what you really believe? That I don’t want you? I’ve never wanted anyone more, Julia.” His voice softened. “I’m…dying with the wanting. I’m so consumed with it, I can’t even think straight. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to eat…If you leave, you’ll kill me.”
“Then why?” I shook my head and looked up into his face as I felt his fingers flex on my shoulders.
“We’ve been over this. Spen
cer says…”
“Fuck Spencer, Ryan!” I screamed at him as I pushed out of his resistant arms. “I don’t want to hear his name one more time in a conversation about us! And, fuck you, too! I don’t know what else to do! I can’t stand the pain I see your eyes! You won’t let us be together like we need to be…” My voice weakened and cracked again. “So, I’m…going.”
He looked away, the muscle working in his jaw as he struggled for words.
“I don’t want you apart from me. Please…don’t do this.”
“All I want is to get closer to you, Ryan, but you keep pushing me away. Can’t you see how ironic and ridiculous that is?” I almost laughed, but I was crying too hard.
“I’m sorry. I just…” he stammered and frustration bubbled up inside me, ready to burst free and scatter my body in pieces at his feet. I was lost. I swallowed hard and stared unflinchingly into his face. I could see the struggle going on behind his blue eyes and the torture on his beautiful features.
“Let this happen, Ryan! You say you want me and I know you love me. I can feel it, even if you never say it again. So please…Let it happen!” The words choked out. “Or, let me go.”
He stared for a moment and then let go of my shoulders and stepped back. “I’m scared! I don’t want to hurt you, and I…I don’t want to hurt me. I’m…worried that you still won’t remember me, even if I make you mine again, Julia. I’m not sure that’s in either of our best interests. I’m trying to take care of you.”
“Do you know how completely destroyed I am that I can’t remember you, Ryan?” I asked softly. “I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you.” I lifted my hands in defeat but then let them fall back down to my sides.
He sat down on the steps and placed both hands on his head, fisting them in his hair. When he finally raised his eyes to mine, they were flooded with tears. “I imagine as devastated as I am, maybe worse, and I’m sorry.”
“I can’t do this without you. You are the only person in the world that can know how much this hurts because you’re living it with me. Every fiber of my being is screaming for you and I don’t give a damn if I never remember our past. I know that hurts you and I’m so sorry. It hurts me, too…but I love you now, Ryan! Don’t you get that?” I said in broken defeat.
“How can you love me when you can’t remember?”
“You are so Goddamn stubborn! I remember the last three months! I remember you taking care of me. The way you touch me…I can feel that you love me. Your voice soothing me and calling me back from death! Dancing, laughing, talking, cooking together, going for walks…being my best friend. When you kissed me in the shower, your hands on my body on the piano bench…” my voice dropped to almost a whisper, “When you tasted me and came with me. I want all of that and more, Ryan. I love you so much, it hurts.”
I wiped the tears from my face, struggling to get more words out. “If that isn’t enough for you, then…okay.” I shrugged in defeat. “I can’t make you believe it.” My voice was trembling and I paused to try to get it under control, but I was failing miserably. “You seem to need the past more than I do… so, I have to go see if I can get it back, Ryan,” I cried quietly now, heartbroken. “And if I can’t, at least you’ll be able to move on. It’s the b…best I can d…do for you right now.”
I covered my face with my hands as I struggled in devastation, until finally I turned around and went to get my bags. Before I went two steps, Ryan jumped up and whirled me around.
“Stop, Julia! You’re not leaving me!! I won’t let you go.” His breath was coming in heavy pants, his chest heaved with the effort and his eyes were glassy. Pain shot through my head with a memory. My hand rose to my left temple and I closed my eyes. We were in my bedroom, in New York…
“No.” Ryan was angry, his face tense, a flush rising up underneath his skin. His eyes flashed. “No, Julia. I’m almost done with med school! It’s time to start our life together. We’ve waited and struggled for too fucking long! I won’t let you go!”
As quickly as it started, the memory was gone, leaving me confused and grasping for more.
Had I been planning on leaving him? Were we breaking up?
I raised my troubled eyes to his. Ryan panicked and quickly placed both hands on the sides of my face, gently raising my chin so he could look into my eyes.
“Julia? Are you okay? What did you remember?” he asked urgently.
I was confused by my feelings, by trying to figure out the meaning behind these flashes. “Uh…I’m not sure. Ryan, we were arguing and you were yelling. You said that you wouldn’t let me go, that we’d waited too long to start our life together.” My face crumpled with more tears. “Was I leaving you?”
He pulled me into his embrace and kissed the side of my face and then my temple. “No! It wasn’t about us breaking up, my love. Oh, God, that was never a consideration, okay? There was no choice for us but to be together. Please believe that,” he said; his velvet voice soft and soothing. “No, Julia.”
The arms I’d wound around his waist tightened and I nodded in the crook of his neck. “Then what? Please tell me, Ryan,” I begged. “Please?”
“I…I’ve hesitated because you’re choosing not to remember and I’m afraid that being intimate will make it all come back too soon. You’re obviously not ready and I can’t do anything that might hurt you.”
“Don’t you want me to remember us?” My voice cracked on the last and he sucked in his breath.
“Yes, but not until you’re completely ready. It isn’t because I don’t love you or want you. It’s because I love you.”
“I can’t bear the thought of leaving you.”
I felt his lips in my hair on the top of my head, moving as he spoke. “Then what the fuck are you doing with your bags packed and crying on the sidewalk in the middle of the night, for Christ’s sake?” he murmured softly.
I was shaking, but being in his arms was all I needed in the world. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I can’t stand that you’re in pain because of me, Ryan,” I answered brokenly.
“Julia,” he sighed and his arms tightened around me. “We’re doing what we’ve always done; trying to take care of each other. Come on, sweetheart,” Ryan nodded toward the house and then reluctantly released me. It was late April but I still felt a chill that the loss of his embrace caused, the cool breeze blowing my hair off of my face.
He bent to pick up my luggage and turned back toward the house. When he got up the steps, he opened the door and waited for me to precede him down the hall to the apartment.
Aaron and Jenna probably watched the entire scene from the window. “Would the two of you mind? Julia and I have some things to work out, and we need to be alone for a while. Aaron…can you get a room somewhere tonight? Please?” Ryan dropped the bags unceremoniously on the floor and then moved to my side.
“No problem, Ryan,” Aaron said quietly as he left the room to gather his things.
They moved around the apartment, putting on their shoes and jackets. Ryan’s gaze never wavered from mine.
My body was shaking but I wasn’t sure if it was anticipation or fear. A palpable, tangible electricity filled the air…he was finally going to give in. The minute the door closed he took my hand to pull me roughly down the hall behind him to his room. Once there, the door slammed behind us and Ryan yanked me to him, but then his movements slowed notably. It was as if he were arguing with himself inside his head once again.
His hand moved up to cup my head and pull my face closer to his, the thumb brushing back and forth across my cheekbone reverently. His sweet breath rushed over my skin and I sucked it into my lungs like his essence was all I needed to survive.
“Are you sure?” he said huskily, breathlessly.
I nodded, using the motion to bring my open mouth nearer to his, nose nuzzling the side of his face, my mouth reaching, begging him to take it. I hovered on my tiptoes, reaching up to ghost over his mouth, my tongue shot out to lick his upper lip and he
groaned, still resisting me. “You’re all I want…all that exists for me, Ryan.”
I reached up and grabbed his chin, trying to pull his mouth down to mine and his hands fisted in my hair and he groaned. “I’ve been fighting this so fucking hard. I’ve wanted nothing more than to touch you…to lose myself in you. To forget that you don’t remember me.”
I closed my eyes and waited, arching into him, my hands sliding up his chest and around his neck to hold the back of his head in a firm grasp, wanting him to feel how much I wanted him. He smelled so delicious and he felt so good pressed tightly up against me, but the months of wanting had taken their toll on both of us. His arms tightened and he pulled me closer still, his erection pressing into my stomach and immediately my body reacted. “It can happen just like that. If you’ll let it, Ryan. We need this…please,” I whispered against his mouth.
My body was reacting to his nearness, his scent; the hard muscles of his body, so masculine against my feminine softness. The throbbing was familiar and instinctively I knew that only he could ease the torturous ache.
“Oh, Julia…” he moaned, the sound ripped from deep within his chest. “You win. I’m going to pour all the love I have into you, do you understand? You want to feel how much I love you? We’re both going to drown in it. God…I want you,” he whispered against my lips just before his mouth devoured mine.
Oh, God. My lips remembered his, my body molded to every hard contour of his and it was heaven as his mouth and tongue staked their claim on mine. My mouth opened and my hands fisted in his hair to pull his mouth closer, deepen into the kiss. He kissed me again and again, lifting me off of the floor and moving to the bed. Heat rushed through my lower body and a low ache began to pulse in the pit of my stomach. I sucked his tongue into my mouth as our mouths moved perfectly together, so hungry and passionate. My legs lifted and wrapped around his waist and he groaned as he lowered me to the bed.
Instantly, he was pressing into me, the bed sinking beneath me as I arched up into him, the pressure of his hardness against my softness driving me crazy with desire. “God, Ryan. I love you,” I breathed as he broke the kiss to take a breath. “I love you.”