by Kahlen Aymes
She shut off the lamp and then walked around to crawl in next to me, curling on her side and wrapping a hand around my bicep. Her lips were warm and soft as they caressed the skin just below the bandage on the curve of my shoulder. “I’d like to go with you. I’ll never be able to fully thank her, but I’d like to try. I know it’s not the same, exactly, but I can empathize.”
It was true. We’d lost a baby, but we at least could look forward to having more. Jane wouldn’t ever know that joy. I sensed Julia’s sadness and wanted to hold her close to me; to wrap her up in my arms, but the dull throb in my shoulder reminded me of the sharp pain I’d feel if I moved. I nodded into the dark, turning my face toward hers. It was an awkward position—forced as I was to lie on my back. I couldn’t reach out to her like I wanted.
“That would be nice, baby. I’m sure Jane would appreciate seeing you.”
In the waiting room and on the way home, I’d told Julia all about the gang storming the hospital, how they demanded I stop working; how we’d tried to save the boy in the middle of it all, the fight, the thug with the knife, and finally Jane getting slashed and the kid on the table murdered. Julia visibly shuddered, clearly painting the picture in her mind from my words. I sighed heavily. The kid died anyway, so was it worth it? I had to believe I’d done the right thing. I was certain Jane would say that I did, despite her loss.
“You did the best you could.” Julia read my mind, as usual, as her fingers gently stroked the hair back off of my forehead again and again. It was soothing and I closed my eyes at the comfort and normalcy in her touch. All of this… could’ve been lost. “You risked your life, Ryan. What more is there?”
“I don’t know. More,” I said miserably. Her hand cupped the side of my face, her fingers lightly caressing the skin of my cheek.
“It’s so horrible. The woman in the ER—the one sobbing—who was that?”
“The dead boy’s mother. I’ll never get used to that shit. He was so young.” My eyes were getting heavy, my words becoming a mumble. Julia’s hand slid to my chest and my fingers curled around hers, pressing then flat into my flesh. “What a fucking waste…”
“Does Jane have any family? Anyone to help her recover?”
“She has a boyfriend, but I’ve never met him. He doesn’t come to the hospital and I don’t think she has much of a family. We’ve never discussed it, beyond that her parents live in Michigan.”
“That seems sad. I know what it’s like to move to New York alone.”
I turned toward Julia despite the searing pain, to search the darkness for her expression. I reached out and smoothed a finger along the crinkle between her brows. “Was it that bad?” I asked quietly.
She shook her head. “No, because at the end of it, I have you.” Julia grabbed my hand and pulled it to her mouth, lingeringly kissing my fingers. The love seeped from her into me and I was grateful. She was my calm, my home and I was reminded of the many nights we lay in bed just talking for hours. The passion was always so magnificent, but her words, the way she always understood what I needed, even just a simple touch. She took my breath away.
“Were you scared? Really?” I asked quietly.
She shrugged softly, still holding my hand. “A little in the beginning. At least I was used to a bigger city. Jane must have been terrified. Do you know where in Michigan?”
My eyes began to droop, the painkiller finally starting to dull the burn and aches. “I barely know her outside of work. We’ve shared a couple of lunches and small talk. Somewhere north, I think? She’s nice; a good person.”
“She’d have to be to sacrifice herself like that.”
“I’m sure it was adrenaline. Sometimes, it’s pure instinct to act.”
I stared through the darkness, her eyes glistened black; and I was fighting to keep mine open.
“How is Ellie?”
“Not great. Her mom is staying with her for a while. I may need to invite her to stay with us for a bit. A change of scene might be good for her.”
“I’m sorry I was such a prick. But, it did get you home and I need you tonight.”
Julia’s soft sigh filled the silence. “Yes. I’m glad I’m here.”
“Is Harris out of the picture? I feel for the dude.”
“I’m not sure. Maybe.” The bed moved with her shrug. “He’s so hurt. I’ll tell you more tomorrow. Please rest, Ryan.”
She turned on her opposite side and I pulled her back against me. I wanted nothing more than to be close to her. She was warm, and her sweet scent floated around me as I began to slip from consciousness. “I know it would kill me if you didn’t trust me. I really am sorry. About being such a moody ass before, on the phone.”
“Hush.” She pulled my hand up and laced her fingers through mine, leaned over and brushed my lips with hers. “I love your moody ass and I’m right where I want to be.”
Julia~
I woke with a start. The light was streaming in, the bright rays of the late September morning breaking through the cracks in the blinds. The bed was empty next to me, the covers pushed back and the indent of Ryan’s head still on the pillow.
“Ryan?” I called into the empty apartment, already knowing I’d get no answer. I crawled out of bed and walked out of the bedroom. The phone in my purse was conspicuously absent of calls. Not even one from Andrea telling me we had some fire to put out at the magazine. “Oh,” I mumbled. Realizing she, and everyone else at Vogue, thought I was still in California. Still, being out of town never stopped them before.
My stomach rumbled and I rubbed it, walking into the kitchen to find something to eat. The smell of freshly brewed coffee was welcoming as was the note propped up against the wall next to it.
Hey, Babe,
I wanted to get to the hospital before Jane wakes up. Meet me there? Take a cab, I have the car. I love you,
~R
P.S. I didn’t want to wake you. You looked so beautiful.
I lifted the note to my nose and inhaled softly. Just the slightest whiff of his cologne laced the paper. I was sure Ryan hadn’t eaten. I looked at the clock and decided a few more minutes wouldn’t matter. I pulled out a bowl and quickly whipped up some lemon poppy seed muffins and popped them in the oven before rushing through a short shower and dressing quickly in old jeans and Ryan’s Harvard sweatshirt. It was overly large and hung loosely off of one shoulder, leaving the straps of my dark blue, knit cami showing. I shoved the burgundy sweatshirt back into place but it was a useless effort. The material was worn and soft from overuse, the gold letters faded on the front, but I loved wearing his things.
After the muffins were cooled and nestled in linen in our picnic basket, I pulled my hair into a messy knot at the back of my head, and shoved my feet into my old Chuck Taylors. Far from glamorous, for sure, but I didn’t care.
The air was cool, the wind blowing in from the east was brisk and had me wishing I’d grabbed a jacket, but it wasn’t long before I was nestled in the back of a cab and on the way to the hospital. I felt anxious; unsure what I’d say to the woman who had saved my husband’s life. My throat tightened and my eyes began to burn. How do you thank someone for that? I sighed; at a loss to find the words in my mind. The reality hit me that it was more than a possibility that I could’ve been a widow today if it weren’t for her. I quickly brushed the two fat tears that escaped down my cheeks away and wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. Ryan and I had faced so much, but this? I physically shuddered and my throat constricted. It was silly. Ryan was fine, but if I let myself, I’d start sobbing like a baby.
The cab driver made a comment about the picnic basket and how good whatever was in it smelled, so I left him with two of the muffins with the cab fare. He thanked me with a smile, his eyes suspicious at the glassiness of mine.
“Miss, are you all right?”
I smiled tremulously. “Yes! I’m happy, that’s all. It’s missus. I’m married!” I jumped out of the car and hurried into the hospital’s main entrance without
a backward glance. It occurred to me that I didn’t know Jane’s last name and I’d have to figure out what floor she was on.
I stopped and glanced around. An older woman with short, bluish hair in a light pink hospital smock sat at the information desk. She watched me as I floundered in the lobby.
“May I help you, young lady?”
“Yes, my name is Julia Matthews. Last night in the ER…” I began.
“Oh, yes, dear. That was just dreadful! I mean, to think of those hoodlums rushing in here like that! It was all over the news this morning. I suppose it will be a media circus around here now… the state of the world is in shambles…” she rambled on and waved her hands about.
“Yes, ma’am. My husband works in Emergency and he was here…”
“Oh, goodness! I hope he’s all right?” she interrupted me again.
“He was injured, but not seriously.”
“Thank the Lord for that!”
“There was a nurse injured and I’d like to check on her. Unfortunately, I don’t remember her last name. I guess I can go to the ER and ask someone.”
“Her name is Jane Cooper, dear. Is your husband that dear Dr. Ryan?”
I smiled brightly. “Yes! Do you know him?”
“He’s a sweetie. He buys Vogue every month at the gift shop and gives it to me. Of course, I thought it strange, such a virile young man reading a woman’s magazine, but he explained that his wife works there.” Acknowledgement dawned on her face, pale with too much powder than punctuated with too much blush. “You?” She pointed a long, bony finger at me, and smiled.
I nodded, my cheeks infused with heat. “Guilty. I didn’t know he bought it, though. It may be because I don’t bring copies home. Work intrudes enough.”
The woman smiled, her bright red, Marilyn Monroe-esque lipstick a stark contrast to her pale skin. “She’s been moved out of critical care; in room 511 dear. You go right on up.” She waved me toward the steel doors of the elevators to our left. “Say hello to your handsome husband for me, if he’s here.”
“I expect that he is. It was very nice to meet you…” I hesitated.
“Oh, Louise. But Ryan calls me Louie. Now, don’t be jealous, honey.” Her light blue eyes sparkled from her jovial expression.
I couldn’t help but giggle. “I won’t. It’s so nice to meet you, Louie!”
The ride to the 5th floor was fast and I quickly found Jane’s room. The door was partially closed but I could see Ryan sitting on a chair he’d pulled close to the edge of the bed. There was no one else in the room and their voices were hushed. Uncharacteristically dressed in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, his hair messier; he looked like he hadn’t showered. I expected as much in his rush to get here.
Ryan leaned toward Jane, hunched over and brushing her hair back, though I could tell from the stiff way he moved, his shoulder was killing him. My heart constricted in pain for them both and suddenly hatred for those responsible filled my chest in a suffocating way. Last night, I was scared and just glad Ryan and Jane were okay, but now, I was angry at the men responsible. My lips thinned and I leaned my head on the door, taking a deep breath before tapping on it softly.
Ryan sat up and turned around, acknowledgment settled on his features as he waved me in. My eyes searched his, and the sadness behind them told me all I needed to know. Jane hadn’t taken the news well. How could she? I’d be devastated if I were in her position.
For the first time, I saw Jane’s face. There were tears running down her cheeks and she was trying to wipe at them with the back of the hand that wasn’t laden down with IVs.
“Jane, I hope you don’t mind. Julia wanted to stop by.” Ryan stood and came to me as I walked into the room, sliding his arm around my waist and placing a light kiss on my temple. “Morning, babe.”
My hand flattened on Ryan’s stomach as his arm tightened around me. I wanted to melt into him and rest my head on his chest, to hold on for dear life, but resisted the urge out of respect for Jane. I smiled at Jane and handed Ryan the basket of muffins. “I brought breakfast. Can Jane have one?”
“Oh, I’m not very hungry,” Jane said weakly. She looked pale and very sad. I couldn’t help but wonder where her family and boyfriend were. Jane tried to smile at me as I moved toward her.
“Is it okay if I sit down for a minute?” When Jane nodded, I took Ryan’s place on the chair and reached for her hand. I felt the familiar sting behind my eyes and my throat tightened as emotion filled my chest at the poor girl’s plight.
“Jane,” I began, her face beginning to blur behind the tears filling my eyes. “I can’t even begin to thank you for what you’ve done.” My voice cracked and Ryan’s hand came down on my shoulder and squeezed gently and I blinked back the tears. “To risk yourself like that to save Ryan… I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost him. I’ll never be able to repay you.” I squeezed her hand. Jane’s pale blue eyes also welled as her face crumpled.
“You don’t have to repay me. Ryan would have done the same for me.”
I nodded, wiping at my tears and reaching for one, then another tissue. “I know he would, but it still doesn’t lessen my gratitude. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
She looked away and the struggle to keep from sobbing was clear on her face. She closed her eyes and bit her lip with the effort.
“Jane, you should try to calm down. You won’t recover properly if you don’t rest,” Ryan warned.
I tried to smile at the woman in the bed and nodded in Ryan’s direction. “Always a doctor.” Jane nodded as I handed her a tissue.
“A hungry one!” He laughed uncomfortably and patted his stomach. I smiled weakly at my husband, understanding that the brilliant smile split across his face was superficial and designed to lighten the mood. “Starving! I’m going to get some coffee to have with these muffins! I’ll be right back.”
It was obvious to me that he was giving me some time alone with Jane. When Ryan walked out of the room, I was a little lost for words, with Jane staring blankly at me. I knew that pain. “I’m sorry if Ryan seemed uncomfortable, Jane. He’s just glad you’re alive, and believe it or not, he does empathize. He feels responsible.”
“He’s a good man. Very good,” she whispered weakly, tears still dripping from her eyes. She sniffed and weakly lifted her left arm to wipe at her face with the tissue I’d given her. “One of the best I know.”
Emotion erupted and I struggled to keep my voice even, despite the thickening in my throat. “Yes. He’s very concerned for you and couldn’t wait to get here to see you.” Jane’s chin began to quiver and I reached out for her hand. “Jane, I’m so sorry.” I felt helpless. What could I say to ease her pain?
“I always wanted a little baby,” she cried through the words.
My hand squeezed around hers, my heart breaking for her. “I don’t know if this will help you, but Ryan and I lost a baby. I understand how much it hurts.” Silent tears tumbled from my eyes onto my cheeks.
Her light blue eyes widened and then squeezed shut as another sob broke free of her chest. “But now, I’ll never have one! I’ll never be able to hold my baby in my arms! Ever!” Her shoulders shook as she sobbed, and even as she grimaced in pain, there was nothing to stop her misery. “You can still have one!”
I closed my eyes and held tightly to her hand in silence. Words didn’t seem like enough. What could anyone say to ease her pain? She was right; she wouldn’t ever know the joy of holding her own child in her arms. I ached to speak of adoption and the many unwanted children that needed someone wonderful to care for them, but couldn’t insult her with patronizing clichés. I knew I’d be pissed if someone said something so trite while I was still reeling in shock from such a tragedy. There would be plenty of time for those conversations when she was stronger. I looked around the room wondering where her boyfriend was, imagining how alone I would have been without Ryan by my side when I’d remembered our baby. And when I’d lost my memory and wasn’t able to reme
mber him, he was always with me. I felt sick for Jane that the one person she needed the most wasn’t there.
When Ryan returned, his handsome face twisted in concern and he quickly set the coffee he’d brought on the tray table next to Jane’s bed. Rushing around to the opposite side of the bed, he sat down and put his good arm around her shoulders, careful not to jostle her, but wanting to offer comfort. She turned her face into his neck and cried harder.
“Shhh, Jane. I’m sorry.” He rocked her and I bit my lip and looked away, struggling to hold back my own emotions and feeling like I was intruding somehow. It was so horrible what Jane had lost and the evidence of what I had gained because of her sacrifice, sat there, trying to comfort his friend. Ryan’s sad blue eyes rose to mine and I folded my arms across my stomach and raised the tissue in my hand to stem my tears. I wanted to hug them both.
“I’m sorry. It’s going to be okay” Guilt, compassion, sadness and empathy, I could read it all on Ryan’s face as he said the words. He was in hell. He didn’t know if it would be okay. He knew time deadens the sharp, evil twist of pain, but it doesn’t erase it. This would leave scars, but there was little else either of us could do to offer comfort.
“I’m still glad it was me and not you, Ryan,” Jane sobbed. “I’m still glad.”
He didn’t respond, just held her until her sobs lessened as I fought off my own tears.
“Are you hungry?” I stood and went to gather the basket where Ryan had placed it on the window seat. “I hope you don’t mind the muffins. I thought you might feel up to eating a little something, and from what Ryan tells me, hospital food sucks.”
“Ryan calls it barf,” Jane stated simply, a weak smile finally lifting her pale lips as she sniffled back the last of her tears. She was still getting blood, but her complexion was ghostly, her blonde hair fell in fine wispy strands around her head to her shoulders.
I smiled wider and shook my head with an amused huff. “Well, he would. He’s spoiled.”
Ryan chuckled. “Don’t listen to a word Julia says,” he teased but threw a wink in my direction. He was trying. I was trying. But still, Jane was alone in this room with two people who weren’t her family or even close friends.