by Kahlen Aymes
“He’s amazing.” Jane studied my face as the silence began to expand between us. What could I say? I’d always felt that way about him.
I nodded slowly. “I wish I’d get to see him in action. I’d love to watch him work.”
“He’s so sure of himself, even though he’s a first year resident. He was born for medicine.”
It felt weird, another woman saying those words about my husband, and with such conviction and familiarity; like she was telling me something I didn’t already know. I found myself a little uneasy at the thought there were some things about Ryan that Jane might know better than me.
“You’re going to give him a big head, Jane. Trust me, when you’re on the other side of his stethoscope, he’s less appealing. He can be bossy as hell.”
“Hey! Now you’re complaining?” he scoffed and opened the basket, pulling out the paper plates and placing a yellow muffin with crumb topping on one for Jane. He elevated the head of her bed slightly and pushed the tray table into position over the bed so she could reach it. “Eat. I’ll get you some juice.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled as Jane’s eyes met mine. “See what I mean?”
For the first time, her eyes brightened.
RYAN~
After I’d consumed four of Julia’s muffins and Jane managed to get half of one down, my wife packed up the basket. I was sitting on the foot of Jane’s bed, as I watched her neatly stow the cloth napkins and forks back into the basket and throw the plates and coffee cups in the trashcan that was below the window. She was always so giving in subtle ways.
“Thanks for making the muffins, babe.” Julia’s eyes shot up and she smiled. “They hit the spot.”
“Yes, they were delicious,” Jane murmured. I saw her watching Julia intently and wondered what she was thinking.
Julia hadn’t bothered with make-up and looked younger. Dressed in my sweatshirt, she absent-mindedly shoved the neckline back in place when it fell off her shoulder.
Julia nodded and smiled at Jane. “It was my pleasure.”
“Jane, is there anyone we should call for you? Your parents or boyfriend?” I asked, hesitantly. It might be a sticky subject since whoever the mystery man was hadn’t made an appearance.
She nodded. “I think Caleb called Daniel and my mother last night. He mentioned it this morning.”
Caleb had a thing for Jane and was disappointed when he found out she was dating. He’d asked me what I knew about the relationship, and the truth was, not much. Julia moved to my side and we looped an arm around each other without thinking. I could see the sadness on Jane’s face and words died in my throat.
“Did Caleb say when you could expect them?” Julia asked.
“Daniel is so busy at work, we don’t see each other like we’d like to.” Her voice was hollow and distant.
“Boy, do we know how that is,” Julia added softly. “I’m sure he’ll be here, though. Ryan, why don’t I go to the office for a bit and you can wait with Jane for Daniel? Maybe give him another call?” Her eyebrows raised, communicating to me her disapproval of Daniel’s absence. Her fingers scratched into the hair at my nape and it sent little tingles through me. I longed to spend every minute of the day with Julia, but circumstances required a change of plans.
“Okay.” My hand curled around her hip and I pulled her close as she placed a chaste kiss on my mouth. I found my chin lifting to reclaim her lips but she was already moving away. I flushed, guiltily glancing at Jane. “Good idea.”
“Don’t overdo it. Go home and rest and I’ll stop by the store and pick something up for dinner.”
In her covert way, Julia was telling me that this evening, she’d make up for the missed time today. My heart leapt at the loving expression on her face. Her fingers lingered on my cheek before she leaned down and kissed Jane’s cheek. “Be well, Jane. I’ll visit again, if that’s all right with you?”
Jane nodded. “I’d like that.”
“Take good care of Ryan for me, but don’t let him bully you.”
The other woman smiled, amusement filling her eyes. “Sure.”
“Will you make those medallion thingies?” I asked with a smirk. “With the apples and mashed potatoes?”
Julia smiled brightly. “Sure. Take care, Jane. See you tonight, babe.” Julia gathered up her things, but left the basket of muffins, leaving Jane and I alone.
“What’s the deal, Jane? I expected your man to be here. He should be with you today. Fuck his job.” I realized as the words left my mouth how insensitive I sounded and Jane’s face fell. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I just mean that his place is with you.”
“Not every man is as perfect as you, Ryan. You hold everyone to your standard and few can measure up.”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s bullshit. There’s no excuse for him not being here.”
She shrugged. “He’s not like you.”
I moved to sit in the recliner near the window thinking he must be a narcissistic prick. “What’s he like then?”
“I guess you’d call him a nerd. He’s really into computers and books. He’s very focused and doesn’t get into frivolous things. He doesn’t even like the Yankees.”
I huffed. He sounded like a first-class asshole. “I’m a Cubs fan. I can’t help it. I grew up in Chicago.”
“I love baseball. Is Julia into it?”
“She has fun when we go to games, but she’s not a hardcore fan.” I smiled, remembering many of the baseball and football games we’d attended over the years. She used to roll her eyes at Jenna, Aaron and myself when we’d scream obscenities when the opposing teams did better than our own. “My brother’s wife is huge Red Sox fan. Julia is more into music and art.”
“She must be very talented.”
“She is,” I said without hesitation. “I’m very proud of her. At the magazine, she takes on the jobs of her colleagues and even her boss. Basically, when something goes in the shitter, she’s the one called in to solve the problem. Believe me, it’s been a thorn in my side, more than once, but she’s very ambitious.”
“Like, you, Ryan. Sounds like the two of you are perfect.” Jane’s face seemed sad and I was again reminded that it was me with her and not this faceless Daniel. I already disliked the fucker. I wanted to make her feel better, but struggled for the words. Julia was damn near perfect, and though we had our spats, I wouldn’t trade a minute of our life together. I was well aware of how insanely lucky we were, but it didn’t help to have a reminder dropped in our laps now and again.
“Eh, we’ve had our struggles.”
“Yes, Julia told me. About the baby.”
My eyes widened in surprise. “She did?”
“Uh huh.”
“Wow. No one knows except our family and best friends. It’s so… Well, it’s just something that we keep between the two of us.”
“She probably told me because of…” her words fell off as her voice thickened again.
I ran my hand through my hair and nodded, wondering how much of it Julia shared. I didn’t want to make Jane feel worse, nor did I want to expose too much of something so close and intimate. Losing our baby was raw because we lost a part of us. Just us. “Yes.”
“When did it happen?” Jane’s eyes searched mine and I winced at the memory.
“Several months ago.” It wasn’t really that long ago when I stopped to consider it. I hated the way it still ate away at my gut.
“You’ll make an amazing father, Ryan.”
I didn’t know how to answer, because it wasn’t something I talked about and the pain was a reminder of why I didn’t like to wallow in the past. On top of that, Jane had her own misery to deal with.
Still, she pressed me. “So, it happened before you were married?”
“Yes. It wasn’t planned. Julia had been sick and was on antibiotics. I was still at Harvard and made a trip to New York over Valentine’s Day. I’d planned on proposing and took a few extra days off to surprise her. We didn’
t see each other enough, and when we got together, we just didn’t think about the effects of the meds on her birth control.” I stared out the window of the hospital room and into the concrete jungle that was Manhattan as I talked. I huffed. “Julia was getting promoted and I was mad that we’d continue to be apart after graduation. We had a huge fight.”
“Why would you be apart?”
“Vogue was sending her to Paris for several months. We’d been separated for so long at that point, the prospect of more… well, I sort of lost it.” I cleared my throat.
“Oh, I see. Make-up sex.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, well, then she was packing up to leave a few weeks later, she discovered she was pregnant.”
“That must have made you happy, Ryan.”
“I didn’t have time to be happy. I didn’t find out until after it was already over.” Even I could hear the sadness and disappointment that flooded my words.
Jane let out a soft gasp. “What?”
“Julia decided not to go to Paris after all and came to Boston to tell me about the baby, but there was a car accident between the train station and my apartment. It was really bad. She had a severe head injury and I really thought I was going to lose her.” I stood and faced the window, away from Jane, as the memory of it sliced through me like it was yesterday. I didn’t want her to see the pain of remembering on my face. “Anyway, thankfully, Julia recovered, but no baby.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. But at least Julia is okay and you’ll be able to have more children.” But, you won’t. The unspoken words hung like a storm over us.
I nodded and turned back to my friend. “I know.” I couldn’t tell Jane that Julia and I were on the verge of trying to get pregnant again. My heart constricted for her. “But, we’re both so busy, who knows when that might happen. You just concentrate on getting better and don’t worry about us. Has Caleb been in to see you?”
“Not yet.”
My body was aching and the slice on my shoulder tight, reminding me of my own injury. “He will. So will Daniel and your mother. So, uh, I’m going to head out. You’ll be out of here in a few days. You’ll see.”
“I want to get back to the ER. I need to concentrate on that, and forget about last night.”
“I know. Me, too.” I smiled, but inwardly I felt bad that Jane didn’t have more in her life beyond her job. I loved my job, but I loved my life with Julia more. This thing with Jane made me realize I’d been unfair in my insistence that it was time to get Julia pregnant again. I was ready. But, was she? I decided then and there that I needed to talk to my wife. “I’m going to check the orders and see when you’re allowed to have pain meds again then leave you to get some rest.”
Jane reached out for my hand and she looked up at me beseechingly. “Will you come back, Ryan?”
“I’ll call you later and I’ll see you tomorrow, for sure. Okay?”
Jane’s face fell slightly.
“You’ll have your family here. I’ll just be in the way. Don’t let them wear you out. Doctor’s orders.” My lips twitched in the start of a smile.
“I’ve told my mother about you. Working with you, I mean.” Jane stammered slightly, still holding my hand. “I’m sure she’ll want to meet you.” I squeezed her fingers gently and then placed her hand beside her on the bed.
“There’s plenty of time for that.” I walked toward the door and turned. “Thank you, again, Jane. I’ll never forget the sacrifice you made for me.”
“I’d do it again, Ryan. I’d… do it again.”
I patted the door frame once and left the room, trying to ignore the implication of a deeper meaning in her words. I rubbed the back of my neck as I rushed out of the hospital, anxious to find my wife.
Julia~
It was a rare moment. My husband’s arms were wound tightly around me, and his chest rose and fell steadily beneath my chest. His even breathing a sure sign of his slumber and his heartbeat, strong beneath my ear, was comforting. I listened to it thud and closed my eyes in prayer. He was here and he was mine. Forever. Nothing would ever mean more. I felt safe and I didn’t care if I ever moved from this spot.
The rain pattered on the widows, and the grayness of the late fall day made the apartment dark. We were lying on the couch all tangled up together and it was nothing short of heaven. I tilted my head back to glance up into Ryan’s face and was surprised to find his bright blue eyes open and a small smile curving his perfect mouth. My fingers slid beneath the hem of his navy blue t-shirt to curl into the solid muscles beneath it. I smiled up into his amused expression.
“This feels damn good,” he murmured. His fingers brushed my chin just before his open mouth took mine in a soft kiss. “Mmmm… tastes damn good, too.”
“Let’s stay here forever.”
“Sounds amazing. I’m in.”
I laughed softly as his arms tightened slightly.
Ryan turned toward me, grunting slightly as his injured shoulder moved. His arm slid beneath me, his other hand on my hip pulled me close and over him until my knees rested beside his hips. Both of his hands moved to hold my face, his thumbs running along my cheek and jaw. His face turned serious and the smile on my face faded in response. “Ryan, are you hurt? Be careful, honey.”
“I’m fine.”
I bent to run a path of kisses along his jaw and up to his earlobe, which I pulled between my teeth. Ryan shuddered beneath me. Warm fingers ran lovingly down my arms and back again. “Baby, I want to talk.”
I sat up at the serious tone in his voice and remained straddling his lap, Ryan holding both of my hands in his. “What is it?”
Ryan’s brow was furrowed as he studied me, and I pulled one hand free to reach out and touch his face. “Ryan, what is it?” I asked again.
“Last night…” he paused, “It has me thinking. Maybe we need to talk more about trying to conceive.”
My lips pressed together as I struggled for words. I frowned and shook my head. “But, I thought we decided. I’m off the pill. Are you having second thoughts because of Jane?”
He shook his head. “Not because of Jane. It’s always about you. Is this what you really want? I know I want it, but are you just doing it for me?”
I huffed under my breath and plowed both hands through my hair, clutching at my scalp. “No, Ryan. I want a baby, too. I didn’t think this was the best time, but I’ve always wanted it.”
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch. That’s my job.” He teased, smiling all the way up into his eyes and my heart melted as the back of Ryan’s fingers brushed down my cheek. “I just want to make sure. You’re right. We both work like crazy and I don’t want to be unfair to you.”
Our fingers threaded together, his eyes intensely searching for each subtle emotion on my face. I’d never be able to hide from him, even if I wanted to.
“I wish I was already pregnant. After last night, my perspective has changed.”
“In what way?” He knew what I was saying and still he was going to make me say it.
“Life is short and you never know what could happen. What if something happened to one of us? We’d at least have part of each other to hold on to…” My words dropped off, emotion cracking my voice as my eyes welled. “What if I’d lost you?” I felt the grief at the possibility as strongly as if it had happened and the tears tumbled down my face uncontrollably as a sob broke free against my will.
“Hey.” Ryan immediately sat up to enfold me in his strong embrace. His hand tangled in my hair at the back of my head. I buried my face in his good shoulder and pulled him closer to me. Ryan kissed the side of my face, following the tracks of my tears to my mouth. “Hey,” he soothed again. “Oh, baby. Jules, you know you’re my whole world. I love you, so much.”
“I love you, too,” I croaked out. My fingers curled into his nape and I hung on for dear life.
“We’ll make our baby, but I was unfair this weekend. I shouldn’t have been such a prick when Ellie needed you.”
I pul
led back and stared at his face, tears still clinging to my lashes, and sniffed. “Really?”
He nodded. “Really.” His fingers stroked up and then dragged down my arms and back again; his touch so reverent. “Let’s just be together. Make love when we want, with no pressure, but no precautions. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.”
I bit my lip, his tenderness touching me at the very core, and I nodded. “Okay. Remember what you told me?”
“Yeah.” Ryan pushed my hair off my face and behind my ear. “The baby will choose when. He’s waiting.”
“He?” I asked, pushing up his navy blue t-shirt to expose his hard stomach and the happy trail that disappeared into his old faded jeans. “What if it’s a girl?”
“Then I’ll suffer through, I suppose!” Ryan laughed softly and I leaned down to kiss him and he responded with ardent hunger, signaling he wanted to get down to baby-making pronto. “You know I’d love to have a little girl that looks just like her mom,” he whispered against my lips. I wasn’t sure why, but those words were a huge turn on, like he’d just made my ovaries explode and I couldn’t wait to get pregnant by him.
“What’s in your Kool-Aid?” I teased, going in for another kiss.
“What?” Ryan laughed against my lips.
“You always know what to say. It’s like you weave some magic spell to turn me to goo.”
Ryan’s hands ran down the side of my body, from the sides of my breasts down over my hips until they cupped my butt. His long fingers wound around the back half of my thighs and he massaged gently, his blue eyes intent on mine. “I like you gooey.” He grinned.
“I know you do.” I giggled. I loved every minute with him. “I can get you all gooey, too, you know.”
“Mmmm, huh.” His eyes lidded and his chin lifted so he could take my mouth again.
The timer beeping in the kitchen put the kibosh to our love play.