by Kahlen Aymes
“Is that what I’ve been doing? Fucking you?” The words ripped through his clenched teeth, and his voice cracked. I could see his throat constrict. “Is that how you feel when I touch you? When have I ever fucked you? Do you think my feelings have changed?”
I wanted to reach out to him and beg him not to go to work, to hold on for dear life and pretend nothing between us had changed. But, I couldn’t. Even if he wrapped me in his arms and made me forget about Jane, I knew she’d still be intruding on our lives when my eyes opened. I’d suffer more for the momentary lapse into our love because still nothing would have changed. No matter how close we’d been last night, here she was, as if she were standing in the room between us. If I gave in to my heart and tried to take away the pain in his eyes, it would only be replaced by my own… and it would be like ripping open a half-healed wound.
Each time we fought about Jane, a teeny shard of her was left to fester and increase the chasm. Even when we made up, made love, professed how much we meant to each other, still… she’d always be there digging at me like slow poison. I didn’t know how to stop feeling this way, and I didn’t know how to stop it, but if one of us didn’t do something, it would become an infection big enough to rip us apart forever. The thought left me cold, with a gaping hole cracking open my chest. My breath left in a quiet rush.
“Answer me!” Ryan shouted, red-faced, and teary, a vein in his forehead swollen and pushing purple against his skin.
I flinched so bad, my whole body jerked. I just looked up at him, my own eyes starting to flood. I pulled the sheet tighter around my chest as if it could protect my heart with it. The last was a lie, but this was the truth. “I don’t know what to say that will make a difference.”
He angrily dashed a tear away with his thumb, before both hands landed at his hips. “Just answer me, Julia! I deserve a fucking answer!” He was yelling, and I finally snapped.
“I just make cheesecake!” I screamed back. “She told me I just… she said she shares more with you than I do. She can talk to you about things that I can’t! She’s better for you than I am!”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You’re both in medicine! You share blood and a life-altering experience! She’s shared more with you than me!” I was still shouting, and he looked at me as if he’d never seen me before. “She can give you more!”
“I don’t care if she said elephants shit marshmallows and ate one to prove it, Julia! How can you doubt me? All I fucking think about is you, but all you think about is Jane!”
“I don’t…” I began but Ryan cut me off.
“The hell you don’t! How in the hell did we get to this place?” Sorrow shone through his anger.
I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat hurt like hell. I silently begged myself not to fall into a sobbing mess. Why was he still yelling at me? Why wasn’t he furious with fucking Jane?
One shoulder lifted in a half-assed shrug. “You’re asking the wrong person.”
“I guess if I’m already judged, I should just act out your little fantasy!”
It was my turn to be taken aback, bitch-slapped by his words; my eyes widened like saucers.
“Tell Ellie I said thanks for planting this shit in your head! Now I know why Harris left!” Ryan turned and stalked from the bedroom, leaving me stunned and frozen, still sitting on the bed. I should have shouted and told him Ellie wasn’t responsible, he and Jane were, but I simply didn’t have the energy.
I listened to him take his coat from the closet and slam out of the apartment. Finally, the tears rained down my cheeks and heaving pain racked through me. I fell onto the mattress crying so hard I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t cry out loud… only gasp for air when I absolutely had no choice but to breathe. I’d never felt more alone or hopeless than I did in that moment; the suffocating silence closing in on me like it would stamp out my existence if I didn’t get out. I hated Jane. I hated New York… I hated Ryan for not believing me, and I hated myself because, despite everything, I still loved him so much I wanted to die.
I don’t know how long I laid there, but I finally pulled myself up, took a shower and picked up my phone.
“Hi, Doll! Happy New Year!” Meredith’s exuberance made it clear she was still imbibing from the celebration of the Holiday. “What are you up to?”
I took a deep breath and let the words rush out. “I’ve reconsidered. I’d like to go to Paris.”
“Really? Wonderful! When can you go? John said February is almost wrapped. If you leave soon, you can work on the March issue.”
“Yes. February is done, and goes to press Friday. Except I need to come up with a little two-page fill. I can come up with something, and then Andrea can facilitate it before she joins me. Or we can finish it there and just send it camera ready online. Would that work?”
“Hell, yes! When do you want to go?”
“I thought today.”
“Wow! When you make up your mind, you really make up your mind.”
I scratched the towel across the back of my neck. I felt sick to my stomach, but now I was committed to the job and committed to the break I needed from my life. Running away was never my idea of integrity, but sometimes you just have to do it to gain perspective. “Yeah. I just thought the sooner I go, the sooner I can come home. I’ll just get a ticket and then submit with expenses. Okay?”
“Sure. Tomorrow, I’ll let the staff know that you’ll be in charge.”
“I’ll need to update my phone for international use, so I’d like to expense that as well.” It would be easier than getting a new one.
“Of course. Not to look a gift-horse in the mouth, but why the sudden change of heart? Are you and Ryan squabbling?”
I hesitated, but what was the use in lying. “We both need a little clarity and we aren’t seeing eye-to-eye.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sweetie. Never thought I’d see the day that you and doc-hottie had problems.” She cleared her throat lightly. “Does he know where you’re going? Am I supposed to cover your tracks?”
“For now, I think that would be best, but I don’t want to think about it or I’m going to change my mind about going.”
“Enough said. I’ll have someone line up a hotel and text you details. Call me once you get settled.”
I should have felt exhilarated, but all I felt was deep sorrow. I hung up the phone, got online, and booked a flight. Two hours later, I was in a cab on my way to JFK. I couldn’t afford to think anymore. I needed to bury myself in work. I needed time and distance to come to terms with seeing Jane’s blatant attempt for Ryan. But, I had to be honest; the reason I was leaving had less to do with Jane, and more to do with Ryan. He needed to miss me, like he’d never missed me, and hurt like I was hurting. Obviously, neither one of us was sexually deprived, but I missed my best friend. It ripped my guts out to intentionally hurt him, but maybe he’d understand why I had to leave. I really had no idea what I was going to do once I got there, but in New York, I was too close to the fire… and it would leave me in ashes.
Chapter 11
RYAN~
It was hard avoiding Jane, but I did my damnedest. My eyes landed on her, and of course, she was watching me like a hawk. I wanted to go off on her for the shit she said to Julia, but part of me, the regular guy part, wanted to just blow her off until she disappeared. I’d done it often enough in college, and I wasn’t proud of it, but it was easier than dealing with female hysterics. I’d had enough of those from Julia.
The fucking thing was, I shouldn’t have to go through this shit with Jane. We weren’t lovers. We weren’t even good friends. I mean, sure, she knew me better than anyone else I worked with, but that was to be expected after that night. How she got from there to trying to kiss me was beyond me. I wracked my brain for what the hell I did to give her the wrong impression, and I couldn’t come up with one Goddamn thing. I treated her with respect and as a friend. Sure, I’d visited her quite a bit when she was recovering, but I w
ould have done that for any of my colleagues. And I felt responsible. Part of me still did, but she was making it difficult to really care for her. What kind of a friend tries to tear apart your life? Resentment surged inside me.
She set whatever she was holding on the desk of the nurse’s station and started walking toward me, her eyes never leaving mine. I inhaled and turned away, ready to duck into the bathroom, just to put a door between us. I was concerned I’d fucking lose it, and I didn’t need to air my personal problems at work, especially not in front of the senior attending. I didn’t get more than five steps when a hand tentatively touched my shoulder.
“Ryan.”
I stopped abruptly and turned on my heel. I physically felt my guard go up, as if a solid steel gate just slammed down between us. Both my hands perched on my hips as I glared down at her. I knew I looked pissed and I didn’t try to hide it. I was pissed!
“What is it?” I spat out impatiently.
Jane had the grace to flush. Her face was getting red and sort of blending in with the bright pink scrubs she was wearing. “I…” she stopped and looked away then back again. “Can we talk about what happened last night?”
I stared down at her, unmoving. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’ve asked you nicely to respect my time with Julia, and last night I laid it out as clearly as I can. There’s nothing else I can say to you. This is my life you’re fucking with, not only with Julia, but with my career. It has to stop.”
She nodded weakly, wringing her hands in front of her, now unable to meet my gaze. “I know. I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to… care about you, but you’re just… you’re just so…”
I put my hand up to stop her. “Stop. I’m just so married, Jane. Julia is the one who deserves an apology. I don’t know the whole story about what you said to her last night, but I heard enough to know you were way out of line. Julia has been nothing but nice to you. I don’t care what you’ve done for me, you had no right to deliberately hurt and belittle her like that.” My voice was quiet but firm and insistent. I had a hard time keeping my voice free of loathing. “And just to be clear, she does a hell of a lot more for me than you can ever know.”
Her eyes began to glisten, and she swallowed hard enough for me to see her throat working. “Okay. But, did she tell you she slapped me?”
I was momentarily stunned that Julia would do that, and I knew her well enough to know that she had to really be hurting to lash out like that. I wondered if she’d seen Jane kiss me before or after their confrontation, but I’d be damned if I’d ask Jane to clarify. The situation was beyond awkward.
“That’s not like her, Jane. You must have said something ugly. Nevertheless, I’m shocked she would do something like that.”
“I had too much to drink last night, and my emotions got the better of me. I can’t help how I feel, but I’m really sorry. If you want me to call Julia, I will.”
“No. Just leave her alone. I’ll take care of Julia.” I wanted to get to the bottom of exactly what Jane said to my wife, but that was on the bottom of my list of priorities. I turned and walked away, relieved that this confrontation was over. One down; one to go.
It was midnight again, and I didn’t have a clue what I would face on the other side of the apartment door. I pinched the bridge of my nose and paused for a beat before I shoved the key into the lock. My mind wore me out thinking of this shit all day long, and it was made worse when Julia didn’t return any of my texts or the two phone calls I’d attempted. I was met by darkness when I pushed through the door, with only the lights flickering in from the windows to cast everything into varying shades of grey and black. It was barely enough to see clearly. Julia usually left the light over the stove on so I could find my way around the kitchen, but not so tonight. I walked in and flipped on the kitchen light, shrugging out of my leather jacket and hanging it over the back of one of the chairs at the same time.
My brow furrowed. The quiet was eerie, and something in the air felt weird. That steel wall I’d placed between me and Jane paled in comparison to the one I felt between Julia and I. I opened the refrigerator, but there wasn’t a plate waiting. My eyebrow shot up. Hmmm… she really must be pissed.
I grabbed a bottle of water, opened it, and chugged half of it down before shutting the door harder than I needed to. Frustration made my muscles tight and my neck ache. I reached up to knead the offending flesh. Screw eating, I thought as I ignored the low rumble in my stomach. Whatever. Maybe things would look brighter in the light of day. I wasn’t looking forward to another fight with Julia and longed for the nights when I would slide into bed and pull her close to me, without worry that she’d pull away. These past few weeks had been the most hellish that I could ever remember in our relationship, and I couldn’t fucking stand it. I wanted a hot shower and sleep, but I didn’t have a day off until Friday. I didn’t think I could live with things the way they were until that evening when Julia came home from work. I meandered lethargically down the hall, running both hands through my hair.
Our bedroom felt as unwelcoming as the rest of the apartment, once again shrouded in darkness. No small light on in the bathroom; confirmation that she hadn’t softened at all. Just fucking great! I sighed heavily as I kicked off the new shoes she’d given me and left them on the floor near the foot of the bed. I barely glanced at it before heading in and stepping under the hottest water I could stand. I didn’t stay in there long, just a quick rinse of my body and fast shampoo of my hair. Briskly toweling dry, I didn’t even bother wrapping one around me. I dropped it in a damp heap on the floor and turned off the light, looking forward to closing my eyes but not to another fight with my wife.
Today had been particularly brutal. Besides the torrent of my thoughts and the uncomfortable shit hanging between Jane and me, the team had a really bad burn victim—he fell asleep smoking in a recliner and lit up like a candle. I’d never seen anything like it, and medical school didn’t prepare me for the horror of seeing someone’s skin slide off and hang in sheets off his arms, legs, torso, and around his fingers. Eighty percent of his body was covered in third degree burns, and he literally wept body fluid onto the ER floor. It was unreal and just… unspeakable.
I bent to pull the covers down and noticed for the first time that the bed was empty. My hand pushed through the covers to smooth across the cold sheets. I closed my eyes and fell onto the bed, not bothering to cover up. Defeated, I flung an arm tiredly over my eyes. It wasn’t the first time she had to work into the morning hours on some late deadline or Mike Turner fuck-up. I was too tired to be angry that she didn’t call, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t know what was going on. I inhaled deeply and got up, grabbing my phone from the belt of the scrubs I’d left on the floor of the walk-in closet. I went back in and turned on the lamp on the nightstand closest to me. I scanned my phone. I had a missed call from my dad, a text from Caleb, and one from Aaron. Nothing from Julia. Panic seized my entire body.
I grabbed a pair of sweats from the third drawer of our dresser and pulled them on with one hand, the other pressing Julia on speed dial. It went immediately to voice mail. Her phone must be off. My heart rate sped up, and my chest tightened painfully. We were fighting, sure, but it wasn’t like her to not let me know where she was at all times. I wondered if something happened. It was Sunday, and even if she were working, I’d normally be able to reach her, but it was too late to call the office. I ran out of the apartment and took the stairs, racing down to the garage. Both hands slammed into the heavy door to swing it open. I ran the few feet needed to see her car sitting next to my CRV.
“Fuck!” I inhaled and stood there with both hands threaded over the top of my head. I turned, scanning the entire garage. Nothing looked out of sort. My stomach ached by the time I got back to the apartment. I stalked around the living room, unsure what to fucking do with myself. I flipped on the TV then flipped if off again. I called Aaron, but it was Jenna who answered.
“Hello?” She sounded
half-asleep.
“Hey, Jen. It’s me. Have you guys heard from Julia? She wasn’t here when I got home, and there isn’t a note.” I swallowed and ran a nervous hand through my hair.
“That’s not like her.” Her voice became more alert. “Have you tried to call?”
“No,” I said, irritated. “I thought I’d wait for hell to freeze over before I did the first obvious fucking thing.”
“I can hear you’re upset, but you can stop taking it out on me, asshole!”
My breath rushed out. “I know. Sorry. I’m just… worried sick.”
Jenna’s voice softened. “We haven’t heard from her. The last time I talked to her was on Christmas Day. If I were her, I’d bitch slap that Jane. Maybe she had something to do for her job.”
“No,” I returned abruptly. “She would have called or left me a message. This is completely out of character.” My voice elevated with anxiety. I walked from the bedroom through the rest of the apartment, finally rummaging around Julia’s art table for a clue that might tell me where she was.
I flung myself down on the couch, one hand covering my eyes and my stomach twisting in knots.
“Was something going on between you two?”
“Obviously you know what’s going on, or you wouldn’t have mentioned Jane, right?”
“Yeah, so fix it, dickhead.”
Anger exploded behind my eyes, and I bolted upright. “What the hell do you know about what I’ve been doing?” I railed at her. “I’m freaking the fuck out, Jenna!”
“Calm down, Ryan. I only said that because you guys can work out anything.”
I leaned against the wall in the hallway, my legs straight, propping me up. “I don’t know. Maybe,” I murmured more softly, fear skittering across my skin like electricity. “Maybe something happened. I can’t call the cops until tomorrow night. She has to be gone for twenty-four hours before they’ll do anything.”