by Kahlen Aymes
“Julia isn’t stupid. She wouldn’t put herself in danger.”
“Neither one of us are thinking clearly right now, Jen,” I said tiredly.
“I’ll try to call her, Ryan, okay? If she’s just pissed at you, maybe she’ll talk to me.”
My head fell forward, and I slid down the wall to the floor, resting the arm not holding the phone across my bent knee. “Thanks. I think I’ll call her parents. It’s earlier on the West Coast.”
“Let me know if you hear something, and I’ll do the same.”
I called her dad first. I hesitated to talk to her mom, because I didn’t want to worry them needlessly, but who the hell knew what was going on?
An hour later, I’d spoken to both of her parents and only succeeded in making her mother hysterical. Neither of them had heard from her since Christmas, either. What the hell was going on? I poured three fingers of scotch into a glass and slammed it and then refilled the glass.
It had been two hours since I’d found her gone. It finally dawned on me to check to see if any of her clothes were missing. At least, if she took some of her things, I could be more certain that she wasn’t hurt or worse.
I flipped on the light in the closet. Julia had a lot of clothes, and it was difficult to notice any difference. I looked on the top shelves where the suitcases were stored. Mine was there, hers wasn’t. She left me. My mind couldn’t wrap around the concept. It just wasn’t possible, but it was better than the alternative that she was raped, or worse, lying in some alley somewhere. If it were work-related she would tell me so; there really was only one other possibility.
It really hit me. Julia left me. Something I never even considered possible.
I stopped and ran a hand over my face, scrubbing at the stubble on my jaw with my fingers. It felt like my heart had fallen out of my chest and was lying at my feet, but at the same time, like it would explode and blow my whole body apart. I struggled to breathe as iron bands tightened around my chest. For five seconds, I hesitated, then I kicked into overdrive, pulling on a sweatshirt and shoving my feet in my Nikes without socks. I grabbed my keys and pulled on my coat, rushing from the apartment, phone in hand. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I had to look for her. The next thing I knew, I was driving aimlessly around the city, racking up a hundred and fifty dollars of 411 calls for the numbers of every hotel I could think of. I went into four that were closest to her office, but each time the staff looked at me as if I was crazy and shook their heads when I gave them Julia’s name.
“I’m sorry sir, we aren’t at liberty to share personal information of our guests.” They all had the same answer.
“Look, I can’t find my wife. You don’t have to tell me which room number. I just want to know she’s safe,” I told the last one, desperation lacing my voice. I could feel my eyes burning and my throat constricting as I pleaded with him. “Please.”
He looked nervously around the lush lobby to see who was watching him. Under normal circumstances, she’d never choose this hotel given our budget, but if she was upset enough to leave me, then all bets were off. The man nodded, his face sympathetic. “We don’t have any Julia Matthews staying with us, sir. I’m sorry.”
“What about Abbott? Julia Abbott?”
He punched a few keys on his computer and sadly shook his head. “No, I’m sorry.”
My heart fell and I patted the marble on top of the concierge counter once.
“Okay, thanks, man.” There was a parking ticket stuck to the window of my CRV, and I ripped it from under the windshield and shoved it in my pocket.
“Really? In the middle of the fucking night?” I murmured, but this wasn’t Boston. It was Manhattan and everything was different here. Suddenly, I hated New York; hated what being here had done to us.
I got back in the car and headed toward Brooklyn. Maybe she’d gone there since it was where we were thinking of buying a house. As the night faded into the pinkish purple morning, I’d made no more progress. I almost fell asleep at the wheel. I finally pulled over when I swerved into another lane and the honking of the oncoming cars jerked me alert.
I parked in the small parking lot of a 7-11 and started making calls instead. My eyes burned and my head throbbed like a son-of-a-bitch. Two hours later, I couldn’t think of any more hotels and had called Julia twenty more times with the same results: voicemail.
I hammered the steering wheel five times; so hard that the heel of my hand started to burn as blood rushed under my skin forming a deep purple bruise. I felt completely helpless not being able to reach Julia and know she was safe. It didn’t matter that we were fighting. She could yell and scream or give me the cold shoulder, but I would have bet my life that she’d never leave me. I wrapped my arms around the steering wheel and closed my eyes, unable to hold it in anymore. The first tear or two squeezed silently from my closed eyes, and then I started to sob quietly. This whole thing was so fucking unreal. It couldn’t be happening.
My left hand was still clutching my phone so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I pushed at the tears on my face with my injured right one. I dialed the hospital HR and told them I was sick. There was no fucking way I could work today. I was so physically and mentally exhausted. I wondered if I’d even be able to drive home. I dragged myself out of the car and bought an energy drink and breakfast burrito, chugging the drink down, hoping it would wake me up. The burrito tasted like ass, but I forced myself to swallow half of it before wrapping the rest up and tossing it on the passenger side floorboard. I started the car, put on a heavy metal station and cranked it.
I’d shoved my phone in my coat pocket, and when it rang, for a moment, my heart leapt in hope it was Julia, until I recognized my mother’s ring tone. Jenna or Aaron must have called them. I put the car back in park and shut off the radio, not sure I wanted to get into it with my mom. I should just get my ass home before I killed myself. Talking would only make me lose it again. I hated feeling so fucking weak. I had less power now than when she didn’t remember me. At least then, I had a choice to tell her or not. And, she was with me and I knew she was safe. I could take care of her then. Now, I couldn’t do a Goddamned thing about any of it.
“Hello?” I cleared my throat and tried to keep it even. I was starting to get jittery from the lack of sleep and the energy drink.
“Honey, it’s Mom.”
“I know. I saw the caller I.D.”
“Are you okay? Jenna and Aaron called and told me you don’t know where Julia is.”
“Yeah, and?”
“Have you heard from her? I hope she’s okay.”
So did I. “I think she left me. Her suitcase is gone. I drove around all night looking for her.”
“Maybe she’ll be at home when you get back, honey.” I could hear the tears in my mother’s voice.
“No. I don’t think so. If she’s left, it’s worse than I thought.”
“I can’t believe that she’d ever leave you, baby. She loves you so much.”
I felt disgust well up and lodge in my throat even as my eyes blurred. It was hard to push the next words out. “Well, sometimes, I guess, love isn’t enough.”
“Oh, Honey. Aaron’s coming down. He’s getting time off from the hospital and should be there by noon.”
“For what? What’s Aaron gonna do, Mom?” I leaned my head against the side window and closed my eyes.
“He’s going to be with you, Ryan. You don’t need to be alone right now.”
“Is he going to uproot his life to babysit me if she never comes back? Screw that.”
“Ryan! Stop talking that way.”
I swallowed at the tightness in my throat, but nothing helped. I sucked in air until my lungs hurt, willing myself not to break down. I felt like such a pussy.
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s bad. She doesn’t trust me, and even though I’m fucking breaking in two that she left, we don’t have shit if we don’t have trust.” Tears started to seep slowly from my eyes and I sn
iffed. “I’m so pissed at her! I do everything I can to show her how much she means to me, but if none of it matters, then fuck it! She won’t even answer the phone!”
My mom sighed heavily on the other end of the line. “Ryan. It’s gonna be okay. No one loves each other more than you two.”
The pain in my chest increased and my shoulders started to shake in agony. “I… used to think so.”
“Ryan, just go home, baby. Wait for Aaron. She’ll call you.”
I looked at my phone and still nothing from her. “I haven’t heard from her in twenty-four hours.”
“She’ll call, Ryan. Do you really think Julia would throw your marriage away like this? Come on, honey. You know she’ll call.”
I didn’t want to tell my mom the details about Jane, the gala and all the shit over Christmas. “Have you talked to her?” I asked hopefully.
“No. Do you want me to call her?”
“Jenna was going to try, but I haven’t heard from her, so I doubt she’ll talk to any of us. I’ll call you later, Mom, okay? I want to get home in case she shows up.”
“Okay, honey. Keep me posted. Your father said to tell you he loves you and we’re here, Ryan. If you need us to come…”
“Mom, honestly, no. Don’t take that wrong. I just… I’m a mess right now, and this is between Julia and me.”
“Okay, son. Love you.”
“You, too.” I ended the call and put the car in gear.
When the doorman buzzed that my brother was downstairs, I dragged myself off the couch and pushed the button by the door. “Send him up.”
I unlocked the door and left it open a crack, then threw myself back down on the couch. There was a hockey game on ESPN but I wasn’t really watching it. It was just the white noise I needed to keep my brain busy enough so I could doze. Aaron came through the door.
“Hey, brother,” he said. His eyes were concerned when he came into the living room and shed his coat. He’d dropped his duffle bag by the door. “How you doing?” He sat down in the chair at the end of the couch and reached over to squeeze my shoulder.
I stared at the TV, not even looking at him. “I’ve been better.”
“Haven’t heard from Jules, yet, huh?” Aaron’s voice was cautious.
I grabbed the phone from the coffee table in front of me and tossed it at him. “See for yourself. I’ve sent more than a hundred text messages. She’s killing me. I can’t fucking breathe, I’m so worried.”
Aaron picked up the phone just as it jingled with an incoming message. After all the messages that weren’t Julia, I didn’t even flinch at the sound.
I slid my eyes to Aaron as he looked at the phone before setting it back on the table. “It’s from Jane.”
I shook my head and huffed. She’d texted and called several times, and each time my resentment of her grew. “She needs to disappear. I swear to fucking God, Aaron, I wish I’d been the one to take that knife in the gut that night. Everything is so fucked up because of it.”
“Is it really due to that, or was this Jane woman warm for your form before all this happened? Maybe this was just the catalyst.”
I lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. “No clue. Don’t really give a shit, either.” I slowly rose and walked into the kitchen. “You want a beer? As soon as I hear she’s safe, I plan on switching to scotch. Passing out is the only way I can stop thinking about this shit.”
“Yeah,” he called back. “If that’s what it takes to sleep, I think you should.”
I walked back with two open beer bottles and handed one to Aaron, who was now flipping through the channels. “Do you mind?” he asked.
I shook my head and sat back down, taking a long pull on the beer. “The last text I sent to her was that I was calling the cops if I didn’t hear from her, but I have to wait until tonight. Of course, it is so fucking wrong that they won’t do anything. They wait until enough time has passed that if she was hurt or abducted she could be dead before they do anything. I can’t stand not knowing, Aaron.” My throat was so tight it throbbed.
“Do you really think it might be foul play?”
“I don’t think it started out that way. I think she’s upset and left me, but she’d just tell me she left; she wouldn’t put me through the hell of not knowing she’s okay. It’s been 42 hours since I left her yesterday morning. I hate this fucking town, Aaron.”
My phone jingled again and I cringed. Would Jane just leave me the hell alone already?
“Aren’t you going to check that?”
I shook my head. “I’m sure it’s Jane again.”
Aaron reached for the phone and then handed it to me. “It’s from Julia, Ryan.”
I bolted up and grabbed the phone, my heart beating like hell.
~R, I wanted to let you know I’m safe. I just need some time alone. ~J
My thumbs flew over the keys as I returned her text.
Where are you?
It doesn’t matter, Ryan.
“Goddammit!” I said aloud as I punched the keys again.
TELL ME where you are!
I can’t. Just trust me that I’m okay and I’ll be in touch.
Yeah, right. You mean, the way you trust me?
I threw the phone on the couch next to me knowing she wouldn’t return the text and got up to get the scotch.
“What’s going on, Ryan?” Aaron asked.
“I’m getting shitfaced, that’s what. She won’t tell me where she is.”
“At least you know she’s safe.”
I couldn’t argue his logic, but still, my heart constricted so much it felt like it would implode. “Want scotch?” I asked.
“I’m good with beer.”
“Okay, then,” I muttered and took a swig from the bottle without bothering with a glass. The amber liquid burned all the way down. I wanted to sleep, to calm down, and to lose the sickening feeling that had taken root in my chest since the night before. I was so tired now; I couldn’t fall asleep unaided and I needed it. I stood there and downed three more big swigs before taking it with me into the living room. I sprawled out on the couch and flung my arm over my eyes, trying to concentrate on the commentary from the game on television and praying for the solace of sleep.
Julia~
I felt like a walking zombie. Two days. 48 hours. That’s how long it’d been since I’d left New York, and slightly longer since I’d seen Ryan. My heart and head ached as I dropped my carry-on in the lavish hotel room. I had to hand it to Meredith. She didn’t do anything half-assed. I fell on the bed in exhaustion. I’d cried practically the entire flight, and now I was completely spent. Thank God for the first class seat that meant more privacy. I was grateful for the flight attendant’s discretion when she brought me two glasses of white wine and a hot towel. I refused the meal, my appetite completely nonexistent.
I felt empty and utterly alone. It was self-imposed isolation, but it still hurt like hell. Ryan’s text made it worse and broke my heart, but I guess I shouldn’t expect his understanding when I left without even a note.
During the flight, my phone had to be off, but after the last message, I deliberately turned it back off before listening to the many voicemails he’d left. I didn’t want to face the anger I was sure to hear in his tone, or the scathing words of his messages. I’d left knowing full well it would hurt him deeply, and he’d be mad as hell. Guilt, and something that hurt so bad I couldn’t articulate it, filled my entire being. The pain was soul-deep, physical, and debilitating. For the first time in forever, I couldn’t reach for Ryan or call him and expect the comfort I needed. I blamed myself for leaving, but I blamed him for making it necessary.
My face crumpled and my chest seized as the tears began again. I rolled onto my side and drew my knees up, curling into a ball in hope to ease some of the pain, but it was hopeless. “Oh, Ryan. Please, forgive me,” I cried, the sobs starting to shake my shoulders. I let myself drown in my grief, my right hand wrapped around the bracelet on my left wrist. I’d consid
ered leaving it behind, but I couldn’t make myself take it off again. After Ryan’s impassioned forcing of it back in place, there was no way I’d ever take it off again. I was mad at him and hurt, but our souls were furled around each other as much as the letters on the bracelet. It was a tangible link to him; a part of both of us.
A few minutes later, I gathered the strength to pull out the phone and turned it on, scared shitless of what I would find, but desperate to hear his voice. There were 20 calls from Ryan, three from my dad, two from my mom, four from Jenna, one from Elyse and one from Ellie. Apparently, the cavalry was out in force.
I was a coward. I snuck away without talking to Ryan, knowing I wouldn’t be able to leave if I did. I needed to clear my head, and get away from everything that brought Jane to mind. Now, I was avoiding his calls. He would be hurt, pissed and probably frantic. I knew my leaving would devastate him, and still, I left. The pain of living through more of that crap seemed more unthinkable in that moment than hurting him. I was going out of my mind.
My phone rang in my hand and I almost dropped it, my heart beginning to pound so furiously I could feel my pulse throbbing in my neck and ears.
My fingers trembled as I pushed connect. “Hello?”
“Thank God, you finally answered! Julia! Darling, we’re all so worried about you! Ryan is out of his mind.” Elyse’s voice shook.
I closed my eyes against her words, against the burning behind my already swollen eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said weakly, trying hard not to let my voice crack. My stuffy nose would give away that I’d been crying. “I just needed to get away for a little while.”
“But, darling, without telling Ryan? This isn’t like you.” Her voice was filled with understanding that I didn’t deserve.
The tears spilled and rolled in fat drops, one by one down my cheeks. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave if I saw him first. He…” I tried to clear my throat, “he wouldn’t have let me. I wouldn’t have been strong enough to walk away from him.”