Indelible Love - Emily's Story

by D. W. Cee

  Suddenly I woke up to the reality of no communication for three weeks and our disastrous meeting in New York. He wouldn’t want to see me and I didn’t need another heart break. I left the letter at the nurse’s desk without any explanation and ran into an open elevator. As it shut, I caught a glimpse of him looking straight at me and the tears fell without warning. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why had I done this to myself again? Why? Trying to regain composure, I stayed in the lobby briefly before going out to see Sarah.

  “Where were you and who was that?” Sarah questioned.

  “That was Jake’s uncle. I asked him to give the letter to Jake but I was stupid enough to follow him to the third floor where Jake would be.”

  “Did you see him?” Sarah looked happy for me.

  “Yeah… but I left before he could see me.” I wanted to sound casual though I knew I had failed.

  “Emily. Do you want to go back and see Jake before you leave? We have some time before your plane takes off.”

  Truth be told, I desperately wanted to see Jake one last time. My heart hoped if he saw me, he would welcome me back into his life. Maybe he would even tell me he missed me. I knew I would be crushed when my hope remained only that – a hope.

  “No, Sarah. What good will that do? I’d only be hurting myself again. I just wished I knew how much I loved Jake before Max proposed. I didn’t realize losing him would be this hard. Let’s go.”

  At the airport, Sarah and I said good bye and I handed her my contact number.

  “This is the phone number to the place where I’m going to stay. I’ll call you often to get updates on the wedding. There will be no cell or email access and when I write letters to people, I’m not sending a return address. Will you promise me you won’t tell anyone, not even Charlie, that you have my contact info? Please promise me.”

  Sarah appeared annoyed with me. “Must you go to this length to forget a man? You’re so ridiculous. I have a good mind to call Jake and chew him out for forcing you into solitude. You’ll be so lonely there by yourself. Don’t do this. You don’t have to go.”

  “Sarah, I want to go,” was all I said walking towards my new life.

  Chapter 14 Finding Emily

  February 1

  Dear Jake,

  I’m sure you don’t want to hear from me but I thought I should write at least once to tell you that I am doing well. I finally got settled into Mr. and Mrs. Suzuki’s home. They have two children named Yuki and Ryu whom I will be tutoring till June.

  When I first got to their house, it made me chuckle to think that their entire house could fit into your bedroom. My room is a quarter the size of your bathroom. I guess everything here is compact.

  The village is peaceful. There aren’t too many cars here. We either walk from place to place or people scooter around. The school that I work at is nearby. Since all I do is go from school to tutoring, I do a lot of walking.

  I hope that you are doing well. Please say hello to your parents and Chief Reid for me. And please apologize to Gram for me. Let her know I really wanted to meet her and though I’d only spoken with her once, she made a wonderful impression on my heart.

  Take care,

  Emily

  February 2

  Dear Jane,

  Please forgive me for not having called before I left. I couldn’t get myself to talk to you after I saw Jake in New York. I’m in Japan tight now teaching English. I don’t know when I’ll come back home. I hope you’ll understand when I tell you I want to sever all ties with home for a while.

  I’ve made such a mess of everything. I have so many regrets – turning down your brother’s proposal so quickly, not turning down Max’s quickly enough, but the biggest regret I have was never having shown Jake how much I loved and appreciated him. I always knew deep inside he was the one for me. Why was I so scared to admit this to anyone?

  Even though I didn’t get a chance to fully tell him about my love, I hope he got a good sense of it when he read my journal. I gave him my journal as his Christmas present. I hope my writing clearly illustrated these emotions.

  Thank you for being such a good friend. When I get strong enough, you will be the first one I send a return address to. Until then, I’ll write… you read.

  I miss you,

  Emily

  February 17

  Dear Max,

  Hello, dear friend. Hope school is going well. I’m settled here in my new home and the family that I am staying with is wonderful. It’s been a bit difficult since they don’t speak much English and I don’t speak any Japanese. The children have served as translators.

  I’ve been here almost a month now. Mr. Suzuki, my host, took me on his fishing boat yesterday. We left around 10:00pm and didn’t get home till about 4:00am. I have never been so sea sick in my life. It didn’t dawn on me to take a Dramamine. I threw up many times over the boat.

  We, or I should say, Mr. Suzuki and his crew caught this monstrous tuna. I wish I had my camera on me. When they first caught it, I thought it was a baby whale. I didn’t know a tuna was so huge. It’s a bit lonely here by myself but I’m doing well and having a great time in Japan. I’ll be visiting Tokyo this coming weekend. I’ll write again soon.

  Em

  February 25

  Dear Jane,

  How are you? Since the last time I wrote, I took the bullet train again and went into Tokyo. What a fun city! I don’t remember if I saw a pushpin on Tokyo on your travel board back at home, but if you haven’t been, this city is a must.

  I woke up early to go see Tsukiji market. They don’t open the auction to the public anymore but I got a ticket from my Principal at school to get in. It was exhilarating to see how quickly the auction sped by. Everyone was speaking so fast I didn’t understand a word. After the auction, I walked into a random stall and had the most amazing sushi. Even though I eat fish almost daily in my village, the fish right at the market is even better. I wonder how this compares to your meal at Masa?

  I wrote to Jake once when I first got here. Actually, I write him daily but end up tearing up every letter. I did mail the first one. Pathetic, huh? I’m such a chicken. Maybe this is why I’m not successful with relationships.

  Hope school is going well. You only have a few months left.

  See ya.

  Emily

  March 5

  Dear Max,

  Sorry it’s been a while since I last wrote. Many more students from my school requested to be tutored so I’ve been busy making extra money. I guess it’s a good thing.

  Last weekend, I got to go on a rice picking tour. Our village gets all these Western tourists who come for a day and want to pay money to go rice picking. It’s back breaking work! I couldn’t function the next day.

  How is school? I assume your semester ends in a couple of months? I’m sure you and Peter are doing fine. How hard can it be?

  I miss you and all our friends. As peaceful as this village is, I don’t know if I’ve found my peace yet. I was hoping to mend my broken heart here but the pain doesn’t seem to want to go away. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Sorry for babbling. I’m sure you aren’t thrilled with hearing your ex girlfriend cry about her ex boyfriend.

  Have you been dating at all? You need to get back out there. You can be pretty irresistible when you want to be. Please tell Peter I said hello. I will write to him soon.

  I miss you.

  Emily

  March 24

  Hi Peter!

  How are things in your life? As you know, I’m doing well in Japan. I got to go to Osaka this past weekend to watch a baseball game. A few friends of mine here got tickets to watch the Orix Buffaloes vs. the Hanshin Tigers at the Osaka Dome. It was such a cool stadium.

  These fans here are crazy. Did you know that no one gets up to do anything when their home team is up to bat? They don’t use the bathroom. The concession lines are empty. It’s unbelievable. Every player has his own song that the fans sing during the game. I don’t think th
at we in LA get this excited for anything.

  I think this was the best day in Japan thus far. Well, maybe it’s right behind visiting and eating at the Tsukiji market. You know I have a weakness for sushi. I’m going to try and visit other stadiums before I get back to the states for Sarah’s wedding.

  I hope you and Max aren’t too stressed out with school. I miss you both.

  Bye.

  Emily

  April 3

  Dear Max,

  I can’t believe I’ve been here two months already. Time goes so fast. I’ve picked up quite a bit of Japanese during my stay here. Ryu and Yuki have taught me as much as I’ve taught them.

  I really enjoy teaching here in the village. I’m considering staying here another year. When I come back to the states for Sarah and Charlie’s wedding, I’m going to make arrangements to come live here at least another year.

  I know you’re thinking that I’m hiding from my life in LA. I can’t say that you’re wrong in your thinking. I like it here and it’s easier for me not to think about Jake when I know that he’s not working a mile from my home.

  Sorry it’s so short today.

  Will write again.

  Emily

  April 12

  Dear Nick,

  How’s school? You’re probably studying hard, dying to graduate. I’m sending you pictures of the coolest place I found in Tokyo. Did you know that there is a section of Tokyo that sells all things food, restaurant and kitchen supply? It’s called Kappabashi in the Asakusa district.

  I guess it’s technically a restaurant wholesale district. The tour books say that it’s only a ½ mile stretch but I spent an entire day here. There are stores that sell only plastic food models. Some stores sell all knives. Some random stores specialize in noren – the curtains that hand outside a door to signal that you’re open.

  There are little food stalls too but I didn’t eat here. I stopped at a street vendor who sold a variety of donburis. When I went into a general restaurant supply store, I wanted to buy everything. Since I’m thinking of staying here another year, I didn’t think it would be wise to collect so much luggage.

  I wish you could have been here with me. We would’ve had a blast. Hope all is well with you.

  Will write again.

  Emily

  April 19

  Dear Jane,

  Have you found a job yet? I’m so sorry to be missing your graduation. I thought I would be there with your brother celebrating your glorious day. I know you will do well in life. You are such an endearing person and you have been a beloved friend to me.

  Please don’t be too mad that I still haven’t sent a return address. I miss you, Jane. Yes, I miss Jake as well. I still hurt but I’m feeling more at peace about what’s happened between us. I think I’ve finally accepted my life to go on without Jake and I can say I’m content now.

  Perhaps it was a good thing Jake left me. I’ve become a more independent person. I used to fear being alone. I’d skip meals rather than eat by myself and spend every weekend with Sarah and Charlie so I’d be among people. Isn’t that sad? Now, I am confident enough to walk into a restaurant, be alone, and not feel sorry for myself. Not only that, I travel to different cities and converse with strangers – as everyone is a stranger to me in this country. I just bought my ticket to go visit Hong Kong next weekend. Can you believe how bold I’ve become?

  If I were with Jake I’d probably lean on him and trust him to take care of all my needs. Though I’ve taken care of myself since high school, I finally do it with a happy heart and a peace of mind.

  There’s joy in my heart when I teach and traveling and exploring a new land, even by myself, is so rewarding and exciting. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and it took a huge heart break and moving to the other part of the world to figure this out.

  I’m sending you an early graduation present. I hope you like the stationary. A man in my village actually makes each one of these sheets. It’s painstaking to make artistic paper. I will think twice before ripping up any more of your brother’s unmailed letters (or I will just use regular paper instead of these nice ones).

  Hope all is well. Study hard, it’s almost over.

  Emily

  May 10

  Hello Nick!

  I’m so excited for you on your graduation. Aren’t you glad to be done with undergrad? Although, I’m sure you’ll jump right back into school as Jake told me that you’re the smartest one in the family. If you decide to become a doctor, don’t be a cardiac surgeon like your brother. He has no life outside of the hospital. Become a dermatologist – no emergencies – and I can come to you for my Botox shots when I get older (ha ha ha).

  Anyhow, you are one first person to enter my mind when I eat yummy food in Japan. Not only are the dishes visually stunning, they also taste just as good as they look. I’ve been visiting the bigger cities over the weekend and I go in search of noodle, tempura, and oden bars. You and I could have gone on a carb binge. In retrospect, I should’ve had you meet me one of the weekends I was in Tokyo.

  I was so bloated on all the ramen and udon houses I visited. I even went to Masaharu Morimoto’s restaurant. It was expensive! I sorely missed your brother funding that eating trip (just kidding).

  I’m sending you a foodie picture book as a graduation present. I salivated at each picture. The Japanese know how to make their food look beautiful. Congrats again!

  Take care.

  Emily

  May 12

  Dear Jake,

  Happy Birthday! I did my best to have this reach you on your birthday. I hope I was successful. What did you do for your birthday? I guess it’s silly to ask since you can’t answer back.

  I’ve been doing well here in Japan and my Japanese has improved quite a bit. Have you ever visited Japan? It’s absolutely gorgeous here. The food, of course is heavenly. Do you know people here don’t eat as much sushi as they do in the States – though of course, I still eat it a lot.

  I hope this has been a wonderful day for you. I’m sure your family has showered you with copious love and attention. This probably wasn’t the best idea but I’m sending you a gift. I found these cufflinks during my trip to Tokyo last week. I was at a department store when I noticed these beautiful pieces with your initials on them. What are the chances of that? I thought these would look nice with that blue shirt you were wearing the night we met at the grocery store. They will both bring out the beautiful blue in your eyes.

  If you don’t like them, I understand. You’ve given me so many gifts while we were together I wanted to reciprocate in a very small way. I’m sorry I was always so selfish. I don’t think I ever gave you enough – whether materially or emotionally. I was always on the receiving end. Lucky me!

  I wish we had spent more time together before we separated. There aren’t enough memories for me to think about when I’m here by myself. I guess we won’t be celebrating our birthdays together, huh? I had looked forward to our back to back celebrations. It will be difficult to spend those two days without you.

  I’m sorry to be rambling about. It’s a bit tough being alone tonight. My mom died seven years ago today and I wish I could be with her in Texas right now. I also wish you could be there with me. You always knew the right things to say to comfort me when I thought about my parents. I miss you, Jake.

  Maybe when I return in a few years I’ll be lucky enough to run into you or perhaps fall into you at the grocery store again.