Indelible Love - Emily's Story

by D. W. Cee

  “Emily…” Max held onto my hand, “just stay another hour. Have another drink with me, or better yet, eat another meal. Don’t they feed you in Japan? Why are you so waif thin?”

  “I’m late!” Answering as sternly as possible, I pulled my hand away and waved good bye.

  With longing renewed, I walked though the hotel with my peripheral vision scanning every man fitting Jake’s build. Till the very end, I didn’t give up hope that Jake would want to come see me tonight. What a fool I was. Even walking onto the airplane, I continued to listen for his tender voice to call my name like he did back when I was leaving for New York. Ugh! Four months of heart mending in Japan obliterated in a matter of a few hours of hope.

  Chapter 16 He Loves Me?

  I got back Sunday night and struggled to get my heart back into school the next day. With school letting out in two weeks, we all enjoyed a lighter schedule. Tutoring waned and I felt free to make plans for the summer. Our Principal asked me to teach a summer English course as well as to create the English curriculum for the next school year. With a three week vacation before summer courses began, I thought about all the places I wanted to visit in Asia during that time. Perhaps Jane could vacation with me? A phone call was in order.

  Our school had a holiday on Friday so I decided to visit Kyoto and cross off one of my bucket list items and go have a formal kaiseki meal. Most people probably wouldn’t partake in such a formal meal by themselves but I figured if I didn’t go alone now, I may never be able to go. Taking the Shinkansen, Kyoto was not far from my village. I left Thursday after class and promised to free myself of home and all its memories. Home was here now, nowhere else.

  Friday morning consisted of a walking tour and a visit to the Nishiki market. Dozens and dozens of shops selling authentic Japanese goods and produce bustled with customers. I had a small lunch at a famous soba house then visited Tenryu-ji Temple in Arashiyama. Originally built in the 1300’s the temple’s stunning greenery and ponds graced a large part of the property. Fully blossomed Sakura trees complemented the famously landscaped garden.

  After my walk through the garden, I headed back to the hotel and got dressed for my kaiseki meal at Japan’s most illuminated kaiseki restaurant. The distance between my hotel, Tenryu-ji temple and restaurant measured a short triangle. Mr. Suzuki had asked many of his friends and did a lot of research for me before calling in a reservation. Even alone, it was exciting to participate in an activity that had been on my mind for years. I wanted to dress up and look nice for this elegant meal. I couldn’t wait!

  At first glance the restaurant was breathtaking. Japanese lanterns in various shapes lined the pebble walkway leading up to what resembled a traditional Japanese house more than a restaurant. When I arrived, it was light enough for me to see the serene landscaping filled with plants and bushes and random bamboo fixtures. The hostess led me to a small room filled with only a tatami mat, a comfortable L shaped cushion, and a black lacquered dinner table. I waited for the kimono clad server to start my meal on the beautifully lacquered table. The sounds of the waterfall hummed in tune with chirping birds and I sat with my back against the door, looking peacefully at the pond. With footsteps coming my way I eagerly awaited my first course, the sakizuke or amouse bouche.

  My ear listened carefully to what I thought was a familiar voice speaking English. Since there were so many tourists in Arayishima, I assumed it was one of the many coming to eat at the restaurant.

  “Finally!” a voice announced, as the door opened. I knew instantly whose voice I’d heard. My head spun around faster than the server could finish opening the door.

  Jake. My Jake. My Love.

  Tears choked my eyes and my chest writhed in pain. Emotions overtook me. I stared at the handsome face I longed to see for so many months. My heart ached for this moment since I left him standing on a corner in New York. Was this person walking toward me a figment of my imagination? Could I trust my eyes? Even before he took the big step into my room, I wanted to run into his arms. But instead, I turned myself around and contained the hope that wanted to rip out of my heart.

  He sat right next to me and whispered, “Hello Emily.” His voice broke as he peered into my eyes. “Very long time no see.”

  I sensed adoration and relief in his eyes. He probably sensed elation along with fear in mine. He reached over to embrace me but I jumped back to guard myself from his touch. His face looked hurt. My face probably looked dumbfounded.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked trying to figure out whether this was coincidental or planned. Either way, none of it made sense.

  “Why do you think I’m here?” Jake’s tone was a bit short with me. Exasperated might be a better word.

  “I don’t know. Does the Emperor need a heart surgeon?”

  Jake chuckled. I hadn’t meant to be funny. I had no other explanation for Jake being in Japan.

  “Emily, I’m here to see you. We need to talk. Are you here alone or are you waiting for someone?”

  I heard him ask me a series of questions but I couldn’t get beyond the first sentence. Why are you here to see me? After all these months, what would make you talk to me now?

  “Emily, are you waiting for someone?” he asked again.

  “Yes,” was all I could answer. Silly, I’ve been waiting for you for months now. You’re very late but thank you for coming. I’m so happy to see you.

  “You are? Who are you waiting for? Are you waiting for a guy…? Are you seeing someone already?” Jake looked horrified.

  I found his questions absurd. How could you think I started dating again? Don’t you know how much I missed you… how much I love you?

  “Emily!” He tried to snap me out of my glazed look. “I sound like a broken record. Are you seeing someone?”

  “Are you?” I didn’t mean to aggravate him by answering a question with a question but I couldn’t babble any coherent thoughts.

  “Of course not! Do you know how far and wide I searched for you after you left me? Why did you make it so hard for me to find you? Why have you been gone for so long?”

  This statement snapped me out of my daze. In a biting tone I answered, “A bit bizarre you would try so hard to find me half way around the world when you didn’t bother looking for me when I was just down the street. And by the way, you left me.”

  He had no comeback. My impetuous tone startled Jake. He looked defeated. I was unhappy to see his sad face. I didn’t know what possessed me to talk to him in such a manner.

  Our second course – Hassun, which sets the seasonal theme of the meal - arrived and I continued eating. Jake paid no attention to his food. “How could you come into town last week and visit my parents but not me? How could you cut off all communication with me? Didn’t you think I would want to see you... that I might worry about you? Didn’t you want to see me?”

  Of course I wanted to see you. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t think about you. “How could you accuse me of cutting off all communication when you’re the one who walked out on me after asking me to marry you? You’re also the one who didn’t communicate with me for weeks. I begged you to talk to me.”

  He was speechless again. His first and second courses sat. I moved on to eating my third course, Mukozuke – a dish of seasonal sushi.

  “Emily. Why didn’t you send a return address to any of the letters you wrote? Maybe if you did, I could’ve resolved our issues sooner.”

  I hesitated giving him an answer. I hesitated not because I didn’t have an answer, but because I didn’t want to show him how vulnerable I felt. Biding my time, I looked around the table at Jake’s uneaten food. Chopsticks lay still, our servers discontinued service, and even the water fountain seemed motionless. The only sound I could hear was my rapid heartbeat and my heart hollering at me to grab him before he left me again. As his eyes continued to beg for an answer, I eventually gave into his plea. I had no defense to his offense. My weakness was his strength.

  After a long sig
h I confessed, “I didn’t send a return address because when I didn’t get a response from you, I would know it’s because you couldn’t respond to me and not because you didn’t want to respond to me.”

  My head dropped immediately sensing the deluge of emotions rushing to my eyes. Tears fell heavier than the water fountain that decorated the lovely garden right outside our room.

  Jake appeared encouraged by my meltdown. He leaned over to embrace me again. My body rebuffed his attempts, though a bit more hesitantly this time.

  “Emi, can I explain myself now? I’d like to tell you my side of the story.”

  “Jake, if you came all the way over here to apologize, don’t bother. I don’t want to hear it. You walked out on me a few days after you said that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and didn’t explain yourself for months. How could you not know I would wait for you at the skywalk? What happened to your promise of not letting me be alone? I have been so alone the last five months without you. I thought you loved me, that you really, truly loved me. Where were you all those days I begged you to talk to me? Why are you here now after all these months?”

  At this point, I couldn’t contain the sobbing. I could see Jake lifting his arm up and bringing it down several times wondering whether or not to comfort me. His two failed attempts at embracing me earlier must have deterred his courage. In the end, he kept his hands to himself. Once composed, I finished the words that burned in my heart for so long. “You can’t begin to understand how much you hurt me. I’ve just begun to piece myself back together again. I don’t want my heart broken any more. You don’t owe me any explanation. I have no claim on you. Please just leave.”

  Defeated, my chest throbbed feeling beaten and bruised. I wanted to run away and hide in my corner again. My body sat quietly trying to calm my heart that blazed like a fire burning out of control. I knew Jake needed to say his peace. Though I dared not look into his face, pain emanated with his every breath.

  Jake cautiously lifted his hand again and brushed my fallen hair. His fingers traced the side of my temple to my cheekbone then down to my jaw. He held up my face and let his palm rest on my cheek. Very much I wanted to see what was written in his eyes. My head was up but my tear-filled eyes stayed down.

  “First of all, I’m sorry,” he confessed. “I’m sorry I walked away from you that morning and I can never forgive myself for leaving you stranded. I can’t believe I’ve hurt you so much. You don’t know how sorry I am that I left you alone. It was not my intention not to see or talk to you for this long. I came by your house many times trying to reconcile, but couldn’t find you. This situation got out of hand.” Jake’s face actually looked as tormented as my heart felt.

  “That morning when you told me about Max you broke my heart. I have this bad habit of shutting myself down when things go badly. I know it’s wrong and I know I’ve done this to you many times before. I’ll work on that. I promise I will. I won’t shut down on you or leave you anymore, I promise you.”

  My heart beat even faster. I was sure Jake could hear the thumping from where he was sitting. Could he actually be trying to make amends with me? The hope within me attempted to break free believing he might still love me as my tears continued down Jake’s hand.

  “Anyhow, I initially didn’t answer your texts because I was angry with you. Childish, I know, but I couldn’t get myself to return your messages. Eventually I calmed down enough to give you a few days to sort out your feelings and make you want to come back to me and me only. I knew I loved you, but this time I doubted your love for me.”

  This statement angered me again. “Why would I try to communicate with you every day if I didn’t want to be with you? I told you in every text I loved you.”

  “I believed you cared. But you never affirmed to me that I was the only one you wanted. I guess I was looking for affirmation. When I didn’t get this, I figured you had chosen Max over me and I let you go, though only for about half a second, thinking this was the best for you.” He actually had the nerve to chuckle.

  “Jake!” Frustration colored my face. “Did you read any of my texts? Every day I told you how much I missed you and that I loved you. Did you think it was all a lie?"

  “I know. It was stupid of me. I couldn’t trust you. I thought maybe you were letting me down easily. Every day I looked forward to your text but a part of me feared you would eventually tell me you had chosen Max.” He frowned at this thought. “When you sent me your last text, I realized I was completely wrong about your feelings. That’s when I panicked. I saw these texts from your point of view for the first time. Maybe you still loved me but my lack of response would make you believe I didn’t love you anymore. I couldn’t assuage the sick feeling in my stomach. Since I couldn’t get a hold of you, my only solution was to see Jane in New York. I hoped she could give me some answers.”

  Fear entered my heart at this point. If Jake still loved me, could I try again? Desperately wanting to love him again but scared to be hurt, I listened for more reassurance.

  “I came looking for you at your house as soon I received your last text. I wanted to tell you what was in my heart but you didn’t answer the door. Little did I know that I would see you in less than twenty-four hours.”

  “Okay, so you finally saw my point of view but you still didn’t say anything to me in New York to resolve our situation,” I freed my face from his hand scared to be held by him – to be hurt by him. “If you still loved me, why did you send me away again? You could’ve stopped me.”

  “When I saw you in Jane’s apartment I was dumbfounded. You were the person I most wanted to see but the last one I expected to see. At first I said nothing out of shock. Then Nick started talking, Jane started yelling and next thing I knew, you were gone. Even before I reached you at the cab, Jane’s words about Arizona haunted me. In my mind I could picture you standing at the skywalk waiting for me to return. I was angry with myself but took it out on you instead. Please forgive me. All those hurtful words – I meant none of it.”

  “Jake… I’m too scared to do this again. My heart is beyond repair. Did you have so little faith in me that you would believe one night with Max would lead to something improper? Did you really think so lowly of me? If that wasn’t bad enough, you left me without giving me a chance to explain myself. How can I trust you again? All these months I hurt believing you didn’t care anymore – that you coldly cut me off.”

  The once confident Dr. Jake Reid crumbled with my accusation. My heart broke watching guilt torment him.

  “Emily, you must believe me when I tell you I love you! I never stopped loving you. I don’t believe I can ever not love you. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry I abandoned you. I will never do it again. I absolutely cannot live without you. When I read your letter at the hospital, my world collapsed. It was like falling into some dark abyss. I couldn’t function for weeks. I took a sick leave and searched for you everywhere. Only when I received your first letter from Japan, did I think that there might be a chance we could meet again. That maybe we would love again. That’s when I decided to get my act together and go back to the hospital and wait for you to return to me.”

  My head nodded silently. I wasn’t sure which statement I was agreeing with – probably all of them.

  “I will work to earn your trust again. Just please don’t tell me we’re over.”

  At this point, I didn’t know what to think or feel. The room spun as I knew I needed to make a choice.

  Love and trust Jake again.

  Or, let him go and regret this decision the rest of my life.

  The decision had been made the moment Jake walked into the room. I was only too afraid to speak it.

  “Oh my sweet Emily, how did we go this long, apart? I’ve missed you so much.”

  He leaned in and placed his lips gently on mine. I didn’t move away this time. I couldn’t move away. I felt delirious to his touch. His lips tasted sweeter than I remembered it. During the kiss I n
ever wanted to end, I began sobbing quietly at the prospect of being with Jake again.

  He paused his embrace and looked into my once dejected eyes. My body burned with sensations of affliction, to hope to elation.

  “Emily?” he lovingly called my name. “You still love me, don’t you?” his voice unsure, his eyes begging one last time.

  I wrapped my arms tightly around him and prayed he would never let go of me again. “Jake, you know I do!” my voice broke. “I never stopped loving you. I’m sorry too for hurting you. This was my fault as well. I’ve missed you so much!”

  Several times the door to our room opened and closed. The fourth Takiawase course of simmered meat or fish and vegetables either sat cold or became overcooked from the server’s many attempts to deliver our meal. My emotions bounced this time from euphoria back to insecurity and then to curiosity.

  I broke out of our embrace.

  “What’s the matter?” Jake asked. “Why do you still look so sad? Don’t cry, love,” he said while wiping away my tears with his hands.

  “You really still love me?” I had to ask. I couldn’t trust reality sitting in front of me

  “Emily, I love you,” he reassured with gentle kisses.

  “I just can’t believe it.” The tears wouldn’t stop.

  “Believe it, Sweetheart. I’m here to be with you and we are never separating again!” he adamantly stated but it still felt like a dream – possibly a nightmare if it were a dream.

  I kissed him one more time. It tasted even sweeter the second time around.

  “You’re not leaving me anymore?” I whispered meekly just in case I might be in trouble for doubting again.

  “Never,” he quietly answered and held me in his arms. Yes, this felt like home again. I was where I belonged – in Jake’s arms.

  I perked up from Jake’s body with a question that nagged since he got here. “How did you find me in Kyoto?”

  An agitated grimace colored his face. I knew that I would be in trouble soon. Before he began, our kimono clad servers found the chance to drop of all nine of our dishes that waited while we reconciled. We had everything but the mizumono, or dessert. This probably wasn’t the correct kaiseki protocol but the servers didn’t care. In their own genteel way, they displayed great annoyance with us. Laughter frolicked in our eyes.