‘I have to, Uncle Sol!’ Janey shouted. She looked Ariel straight in the eyes. ‘I’ll tell you the secret, and you can sell it for millions. You’ll have the power you crave. You’ll be unstoppable. But you have to promise to let us go.’
‘OK.’ She heard the safety catch being pulled back as Ariel curled her lip in a furious hiss. ‘But if it’s not a big enough secret, you die. What is it?’
And Janey, gulping, took a deep breath and told the biggest whopper she could imagine. ‘The secret is . . . reincarnation! Solomon has discovered how to reincarnate people. They die as one person and come back as another.’
Ariel’s eyes widened with amazement. ‘It . . . it’s not possible! It can’t be!’
‘Come on, Ariel,’ mocked Janey. ‘You know what an amazing scientist my uncle is. You can’t imagine he’d be inventing a process that so many other people have already worked on, do you?’
‘But Copernicus told us that Project Crystal Clear is about cryogenics!’
‘Well, it seems my uncle wasn’t the only one that Copper Knick . . . I mean Copernicus was double-crossing,’ said Janey.
Ariel was trying to sound calm and masterful but it was obvious that what Janey had said had unsettled her. ‘So not cryogenics. Reincarnation.’ Her eyes hardened. ‘Copernicus must have realized Solomon had gone further with his experiments and sent us to bring him in. He must want this information for himself. That’s why he sent us after Solomon. He knew the history between my family and the Browns, so he sought us out. He used the Sinerlesse! I knew he’d sunk pretty low, turning on Solomon’s Polificational Investigations, but this . . . this is indescribable. So you say it’s you I’m after, Brown! What do you mean? Who are you? Are you some reincarnation?’
Smiling as confidently as she could with the barrel of a pistol pointing straight at her, Janey opened her arms wide. ‘Do you really need to ask that question, Ariel? You know! You know who I am. I told you I’m the one you’re looking for. I’m Boz. Boz Brilliance Brown.’
Although she was shaking inside with a fear far greater than any she had ever known, Janey looked steadily at Ariel. With a slightly unsteady hand, Ariel aimed the gun directly at Janey’s chest.
‘Well. You’ve made me chase you a long, long way, Boz Brown,’ Ariel whispered. ‘But now the chase is over. Now I can put an end to you forever. As you did to my parents.’
And as Janey gritted her teeth and the gun exploded, a thousand things happened at once. A ball of fire seemed to go straight through Janey, blasting her backwards across the laboratory. Banging her head on the corner of a bench, she lifted her hands to her chest to find the hole, then slumped to the floor, sure death must be just seconds away.
There was another bang as Alfie, almost fully recovered, barged his way out of the freezer and high-kicked Ariel, who fell to the floor. As the pistol left her fingers, Alfie kicked it backwards, and his mother, stiff but alive, scooped it up and turned it swiftly Ariel. In the same moment, whooshing sounds came on from the entry cylinder behind them, and Miss Rale’s voice could be heard saying, ‘Look who I’ve found! Can’t leave her precious godchild alone! Hey, whats going on . . . Oof!’
G-Mamma splurged from the cylinder, whipped round and smacked Miss Rale over the head with her SPIV, which was the size of a small coconut. As Miss Rale dropped to the ground Alfie hurried over and tied her hands behind her, dragging her over to where Mrs Halliday was training the pistol on Ariel. Meanwhile, with an agility that amazed Janey, G-Mamma flung herself to the floor, rolled over a couple of times and wedged herself under the bottom of the entry cylinder. Her wobbling flesh sealed it closed, creating a massive vacuum of air which simmered in the tube beneath Billy and Barry, who had no idea their exit was blocked. The cries of the two Sinerlesse members echoed through the SPI-lab as they were blasted up, up through the roof of the Amphibian House, before plummeting back down to land with two almighty splashes.
‘That’ll be the alligator pool,’ said G-Mamma. ‘Hope those crocs are hungry!’
From above, Janey could make out the voice of Edna wailing, ‘I never wanted any of this, you know! Reg wouldn’t have liked it! That Lally was always a bad influence. Stop it, Freda! Stop being such a naughty girl. I want it all to sto-ho-hop!’
Astonishingly, Janey felt as though she was able to sit up and go and check on her uncle. She looked down at herself. There was no hole, not even a dent. A slightly darker area on the silver of her SPI-suit was the only sign that anything had hit her at all.
‘Bullet-proof!’ Janey said. ‘Of course!’
She got slowly to her feet as G-Mamma rose majestically from under the entry cylinder, suddenly looking every wonderful inch a superSPI.
‘G-Mamma, I’m so pleased to see you!’ Gulping back tears, Janey sped across the enormous room towards her godmother and flung herself into a bosomy embrace. ‘How did you know where to find us?’
‘Well, baby-mine,’ said G-Mamma, almost blushing under her heavy make-up, ‘the SPIV was still activated when your uncle mentioned Allerton. I figured the Wildlife Park was where he was headed. And I kept on talking into my SPIV. That’s how the Sinerlesse and I both knew where you’d gone. You told me and I told them. Me and gadgets!’
Mrs Halliday waved across the laboratory. ‘Rosie! Good to see you again.’
‘You too! Hey, Blondette, didn’t I tell you Halo and Al Halo would catch up with you soon?’
Janey grinned. ‘No. You told me Mrs Halliday and Alfie would catch up with me. I thought they were baddies!’
‘Baddies? Those two? Never! That’s why Solomon called them in, I guess, though he didn’t have time to tell me.’
‘Good people can turn rotten though, Rosie,’ said Mrs Halliday. ‘It seems Copernicus has double-crossed Solomon.’
G-Mamma almost choked with shock and demanded Mrs Halliday immediately fill her in on Copernicus’s treachery.
From the floor where she was trussed up tightly with her sister, Ariel snarled. Alfie looked at her with interest.
‘Do you know, I think you could belong in a zoo with a face like that. What do you think, Janey? Mum?’
Mrs Halliday smiled. Now that Janey knew how her teeth had come to be like that, it was no longer threatening but really rather special. ‘Well, I think a career behind bars might be all that Miss Rale’s fit for now. She certainly won’t be coming back to school as a teacher. I think I’d better go and round up the others.’
‘Yeah,’ said Janey. ‘And, Alfie, you get the two ugly sisters into the freezer.’
‘No problem, Blonde,’ said Alfie, pulling Ariel and Miss Rale along like sacks of potatoes.
‘So, Blonde-girl, what was all that I heard about reincarnation?’ G-Mamma looked truly impressed. ‘Quick thinking, I must say! Zippety split, just like that! I guess you saved your uncle’s skin.’
‘I suppose so!’ said Janey goofily. She suddenly felt shy as she heard her uncle’s now familiar, wispy breathing. She couldn’t wait to introduce him to G-Mamma, who had served him through all sorts of danger even though she had never met him.
But suddenly Janey felt G-Mamma stiffen and then start to quake. She was staring across the room with a look of terror and disbelief, which transformed into astonishment and deep, deep joy.
‘Oh my Lord!’ she breathed, shaking like a jelly. ‘Oh my sweet serendipitous sunshine! There is reincarnation! There really is!’
‘What do you mean, G-Mamma?’
But her godmother wasn’t listening. She was too busy bounding across the lab in great wobbling leaps, whispering to herself as though she couldn’t believe it, ‘Boz! Boz Brown! Oh my cherry-pie eyes, it’s Boz Brilliance Brown!’
the other brother
The man Janey had thought was her uncle Solomon gazed across the room at her, his blue eyes filled with a mixture of emotions. Her own feelings churned in the pit of her stomach.
Eventually she forced herself to speak. ‘What does she mean? Uncle Sol, what does G-Mamma mean
? Are you . . . are you my dad’s twin or something? Tell me, please!’
He shook himself free from G-Mamma’s embrace and whispered something to her, before crossing over to Janey and taking both her hands in his. ‘Oh, Janey, how can I expect you to understand any of this?’
‘Well, I’m a SPI, aren’t I? Try me!’
He nodded slowly. ‘All right. I’ll just tell you as straight as I can. I think that’s best. Your godmother is right. I’m not Solomon Brown. I’m Boz Brilliance Brown. Your father, Janey.’
Janey’s heart hammered. As his words echoed around her head, tears rolled freely down her cheeks. ‘What? So why did you pretend to be dead all this time? How could you? Why haven’t you been there for me?’
‘I’ve tried, Janey,’ said her father gently. ‘All through your life I’ve tried to keep up to date with what’s happening to you. I’ve sent you presents, and I’ve loved you from afar. I even sent you a message in your puzzle book, telling you that one day this would happen, and we would meet.’
Janey’s mind raced back, and she remembered the one puzzle she had never been able to work out. ‘Do you mean the dingbat? The one with all the Us?’
‘Yes. I know it was very cryptic. It had to be – I couldn’t risk other spies finding out I was still alive. It started with a donkey, or an . . .’
‘An ass!’ shouted Janey. ‘It wasn’t a horse!’
‘Terrible handwriting and very poor drawing skills, I’m afraid,’ said her father, looking sheepish. ‘But the letter “u” increasing in size meant “as you grow up”. And then there was the eye – I, a backwards B, then 2, and finally the word “life”.’
Janey thought about it. ‘So the whole message was, “As you grow up, I’ll be back to life”? No wonder I never got it! I thought the 2 was a Z and the B was an 8. Otherwise I’d have got it straightaway!’
‘Well, now I am back to life,’ said Boz. ‘And you can see what that life is like, Janey. People hunt me down. They chase me. They want to find out what I know, or they want me out of the way. And they do whatever they can, use whoever it takes, to track me down. I can’t inflict that life on anyone else, especially my own family. Which is why I’ve stayed away – until now.’
Janey’s head felt leaden. She struggled to take it all in. ‘But what about Mum? Didn’t you love her?’
‘More than I can say. But she was too close to me. She knew too much; it put her in terrible danger. As soon as I knew we were expecting a baby – you, Janey – I had to do something to protect you both. And when Reg and I were in the accident, but I survived, I took my chance to disappear. I needed to let you and Gina start a new life, a different one.’
‘Did . . . did you really kill Ariel’s father?’
‘Of course not!’ said Boz. ‘When we discovered the wood frog’s secret together, Reg was the first to offer himself up for the experiment. Anyway, we didn’t get the calculations quite right. He froze too quickly, and you know what happens then, Janey. He asked me, if anything happened, to scatter his crystals at the North Pole – I think he wanted to feel like Santa Claus. The Sol’s Lols picture is very like him. I miss him still.’
Janey watched, mesmerized, as her father talked. ‘So, who . . . where is Uncle Solomon?’
With a little laugh, her father ran his fingers through his hair. ‘Ah. Sol. Well, this is where it gets complicated. You see, I come from a long line of spies. So, from the moment I was born, my family pretended I had a brother. It’s quite common in spy dynasties. No one ever met him or saw him, but we fed people stories of his illness, being sent away to school, then into the military and eventually abroad for his work. Well, people believed us. There never was a Solomon Brown. Then, when I needed a new identity after I faked my death, there it was. Ready for me to step into.’
Janey sighed. It was all so weird. Too much. But she supposed that one day she’d get used to it all. ‘Right now,’ she said, ‘I’m just glad that you’re here, and you can come back home with me, and Mum will remember everything, and we can be a family again. The Browns. We can even invent a sister for me, so I can carry on being a SPI.’
But even as she spoke, Janey sensed her father’s alarm. He was shaking his head, his brow furrowed with concern. ‘No, Janey. It’s just not possible. I thought I’d explained. Your mother must never know. She must never remember. It’s too dangerous, for me, certainly, but especially for you.’
‘But . . . we’ve dealt with the Sinerlesse Group. And we’ve kept your secret hidden. All we need to do now is destroy the files, isn’t it? I can’t find you after all this time just to have you disappear again!’ Janey was shivering, so furious and upset that she wanted to fling herself at her father and beat his chest with her fists.
‘Better hurry, Boz-babe,’ said G-Mamma. ‘We have company.’
When Janey’s father heard the voice that was approaching, his calm expression faltered. ‘Gina!’
He was right. Janey could hear her mother shouting to someone else, ‘I don’t know why she’d be at the Wildlife Park in the middle of the night. But I suspect that ridiculous woman is something to do with it. So that’s why we’ve followed her here. What is that peculiar-looking cat doing? It must have escaped from a cage. Hurry up, James!’
‘But what are you doing, Jean?’ Uncle James was asking.
‘Well, I couldn’t tell you why, but I’m pretty sure this is the way we get in. I must find Janey!’
Frantically, Boz Brilliance Brown looked from Janey to G-Mamma and back again. The voices were hovering overhead, and meanwhile the Halos were herding the remaining Sinerlesse members into the freezer. ‘I have to go!’ he said urgently.
‘No! D-Dad! Don’t!’
He swept her up into his arms and squeezed for what felt like the longest moment of Janey’s life. ‘I can’t stay, Janey . . .’
Janey shook her head miserably. Over their heads, the frog tube was starting to rattle. And as her mother’s feet appeared at ceiling level, Janey could hardly believe what she was saying. But somehow it felt right. ‘I know! Go! Just go!’
‘Don’t forget what I told you before, Janey,’ he said, hugging her fiercely. ‘No time to explain now. But the Ruler will tell you. Then make sure all traces are destroyed.’ Janey nodded. ‘And Al,’ Boz Brown continued, turning to Alfie, ‘freeze them slowly, Spylet. I want them whole.’
‘Yes, sir,’ was Alfie’s reply. He and his mother turned their backs discreetly and fiddled with the controls next to the freezer as Boz seized a pair of cylinders and strapped them on to his back.
‘Dad, one thing,’ pleaded Janey.
‘Yes?’ He turned to look at her, burning to get away, but longing to stay.
‘Don’t make me forget everything, like you did with Mum. I want to remember.’
Their eyes locked, and a lifetime of unspoken words passed between them. Finally he smiled and nodded. ‘I need you to remember, Janey. You’re my SPI now. Take care, always.’
He yanked the cord across his chest and, in a plume of purple smoke, burst out through an opening in the roof of the building and up into the night sky.
Janey watched his feet disappear just as her mother’s touched on to the floor of the SPI-lab. Uncle James was right behind, trying desperately to shake off Trouble, who clung to his leg, shedding yellow and brown hairs all over his tuxedo.
‘I don’t know where this animal appeared from. It’s been practically attached to me since I left the ball!’
‘You!’ yelled Janey’s mum at G-Mamma. ‘What on earth has been going on? Is that Janey behind you?’
Before Janey had time to answer, G-Mamma swivelled two of her enormous rings around on her fingers so that they sat inside each palm. Reaching out her hands, she pressed a ring into one arm of both Janey’s mother and Uncle James. They instantly looked dazed and confused. Mrs Brown peered woozily at her daughter.
‘Janey? My Janey Brown. Is that you?’ Her voice sounded thick, as though her tongue had suddenly doubled in si
ze.
And Janey, smoothing out her ponytail as she stood tall in her SPI-suit, smiled gently. ‘No. No, I’m sorry. You must have mistaken me for someone else. My name is Blonde: Jane Blonde. I expect your Janey is tucked up at home in bed.’
‘Oh,’ said her mother vaguely, before she slumped into a mound on the floor on top of Uncle James.
Brushing away a tear, Janey turned to G-Mamma, who was flattening Trouble’s quiff. The cat broke away from her and ran, mewing happily, straight to Janey’s side.
Janey looked at him with a sad smile. ‘Trouble,’ she said, ‘let’s go home.’
the ruler
G-Mamma drove everybody home in the Wildlife Park minibus.
‘Great,’ said Alfie as he climbed in the back. ‘We’ll be really inconspicuous going up the motorway in a van with big grey ears and a trunk.’
‘It’s that or a real elephant,’ said his mother, settling in beside him. ‘Be quiet and go to sleep.’
‘So who is this ruler you have to destroy?’ G-Mamma asked Janey under her breath. ‘Because I gotta tell you, Blonde-girl, sensational though you are, I wouldn’t fancy your chances of removing all trace of old Copper Knickers! Double-crossing doughnut.’
Janey looked round to check the other passengers were all sound asleep. ‘I don’t think it’s a “who”,’ she said, ‘but I need to check something when we get home.’
After dropping off the Halos, G-Mamma and Janey managed to drag the brain-wiped bodies of Janey’s mum and Uncle James into Janey’s house and settle them down for the night. In her own room, Janey rummaged in her school bag, then zipped once more through the fireplace into the SPI-lab.
‘This is one of the presents from Uncle . . . from my father,’ she said, placing her pencil case on the bench top. ‘And I think this ruler must be . . . well, the Ruler.’
They both stared at it. It was an unremarkable metal ruler, pretty short, and in inches instead of centimetres.
‘How do we destroy that?’ asked G-Mamma.
Jane Blonde: Sensational Spylet Page 17