Clockwork Memories

by Sarina Dorie

  “Thank you, sir. And there is something I have decided.” I swallowed. It was always better to volunteer than to be forced. “I would like you to test your memory machine on me, not Faith.”

  He raised an eyebrow. If my offer surprised him, or he wondered how I knew about the machine, he gave no indication it did. I had hoped that would at least catch him off guard, so he might reconsider using me as his test subject, but it didn’t.

  I walked ahead of him in the hall. He trained a gun on me the entire time. Between that and the two men following, I had no chance to use the shard of glass in my sleeve.

  Meriwether and Faith were both gone when I was shoved into the engine room.

  “Where are they?” I asked.

  “Resting.”

  I hoped that meant they were in the hospital. I tried to see the second chair and if anyone was in it, but Jacques’ hand tightened around my elbow and he pushed me down in the first chair. The doctor stepped forward. The little old man tightened the first strap around my arm. He tried to smile at me. Sweat dripped down his bald head despite the comfortable heat of the room. He swallowed. I actually felt bad for the old grandfather.

  Eli stared at me with open-mouthed horror. “You didn’t say nothing about her being here.”

  “We want to see if the clockwork memory machine works, no?” Jacques asked. “What better way to ensure you haven’t sabotaged it than to test it on someone of sound mind and body.”

  Eli shook his head. “No. I won’t do it.” He stepped back from the machine. “She’s a lady. You can’t do this to a lady. She’s a princess.”

  “Less of a lady than you’d think,” Jacques snorted. “In any case, I would think you of all people would be the last to use such a sentiment with me. A lady, indeed!”

  “It is all right. I volunteered.” I smiled to show it was my choice. I wasn’t being forced. I was in control. Just like the time I’d offered to become Shiromainu’s bride.

  Eli stepped farther back.

  Jacques jammed a finger at Eli’s chest. “Go man the controls. You’ll never see your daughter again if you don’t do as I say.”

  “Likely I’ll never see her again if I keep doing as you bid.”

  He smacked Eli across the face. Eli stumbled back.

  As the doctor fastened the restraints across my belly and legs, I searched my brain for a memory that would be appropriate to give someone.

  “Who will be given my memory?” I asked.

  If it was Jacques, I wanted to give him my most painful memory. Something so horrible it would reduce him to tears. If it was Faith, I would be gentle. I craned my neck to see the other chair, but couldn’t.

  I repeated my question. No one answered.

  I had to select a memory before they selected one for me. I had to be in control. “One always must choose a memory he or she doesn’t mind parting with—unless one knows for certain the memory will be returned,” Tomomi Sensei had once advised me. “And remember, nothing ever is certain. Ask your brother about that if you don’t believe me.”

  The machine clunked behind me. The doctor smeared moss on my palms and placed the mitts over my hands. At first the sensation was a pleasant tingle like memory moss always was. The aroma of the herbs was comforting and reminded me of home. All at once the warm, happy feeling sharpened into needles stabbing into my fingers.

  I tried to focus on the present. I calmed myself by breathing in and out steadily despite the way pain crept up my arms. It felt as though my bones were breaking and the machine was pulling my soul out of my skin. The sensation rose up into my neck and then my skull. I tried to resist. I pulled back as hard as I could, but it wasn’t like memory exchange with a person. This machine wanted my kamuy because it didn’t have its own. I could feel my will slipping away. I focused on the moment just before I’d entered the room.

  I saw the hallway. The doors of the engine room opened and I re-experienced my surprise at seeing the memory machine so different now that it was complete. Jacques shoved me into the chair.

  “Go back!” Jacques called out, interrupting my vision.

  I’d been seeing something a moment ago, but I couldn’t remember it now. All I could see was a blinding light. A brilliant pain blossomed in my skull.

  My soul was sucked out of my fingers. My breath caught in my throat. Choose, I told myself, before they chose for me. I chose.

  The blinding pain opened up to the past. It was a week earlier and we were onboard the ship before the French had attacked.

  Faith sat on the edge of the bed, brushing out her hair. Her long golden locks cascaded over her pale, pink chemise. She was so beautiful I had to make myself stop looking at her or else she would notice.

  I paced the room. “If you want your memories back from Meriwether Klark, you must steal them back.”

  “If you know how to steal memories, why don’t you do it?” she asked.

  Her expression was desperate, tears in her eyes. I hated to see her so miserable. Meriwether claimed to be a good man, but he wasn’t if he took someone’s memories and wouldn’t give them back. She might not have decided if she hated him or not, but I loathed him enough for the two of us.

  I crossed my arms. “Do you think Meriwether would just let me undress in front of him, rub memory moss on my hands and then perform memory exchange?” I asked. Then I thought, yes, actually. He might.

  That’s how I came to be undressing in his room. The plan was very simple. If everything Faith said about gaijin were true, my nudity would be a shock to him. I could steal his memories before he knew what was happening.

  His room wasn’t locked and I entered through the door. It was too dark to see at first, but I’d observed the layout earlier when he was off with Faith. As soon as I stepped inside, I heard him roll over in his sleep. I quickly ducked behind the mannequin dressed in his clothes—Faith said to keep them from wrinkling.

  “Hmm?” he asked, his voice groggy with sleep.

  I knew from Faith’s stories he could see well in the dark. I stayed as still as I could, hoping the man-shaped clothes hid me. I forced myself to breathe slowly, to calm the thudding of my heart.

  It looked like night outside, the stars beyond the porthole twinkling merrily, though I knew it was very early in the morning. The stars did little to help me see better, though my eyes did adjust. There was a vague silhouette of him in the bed. The sound of his breath was slow and steady. He sounded asleep, but I knew he was good at pretending.

  I waited longer before I reached across the mannequin and set the clump of memory moss on his dresser. As silently as I could, I removed my attush and hakama pants from underneath. I stepped out from behind the mannequin. A rustle drew my attention.

  “Who’s there?” Meriwether asked. He turned on the light before I could reply. He gasped when he saw me without clothes on and turned his gaze away. “What in the blazes are you doing in here?”

  I didn’t have time to step closer to the dresser again, lift the memory moss and crumble it between my fingers. He’d know exactly what I intended, and I had no doubt he would thwart me. So instead I lifted his top hat from the mannequin.

  “Sumimasen,” I said in apology. I bowed and then set the hat on my head. “I’m so sorry for disturbing your sleep. I wanted to dress in more practical clothes. You did say I could borrow anything I wished.”

  “Ahem, I did say that, but I didn’t mean in the middle of the night.”

  “I wanted to surprise everyone by dressing as your twin. Sumimasen.” I bowed again.

  “How, um, flattering.”

  I’d never bowed while naked before. My breasts weren’t large like Faith’s, but I suspected he might think they hung pleasantly as I leaned forward.

  He glanced at me and then looked away, his face turning red. It was hard not to laugh at his prudishness.

  “Perhaps you could put your clothes back on and then take my clothes somewhere else to dress. Anywhere else.”

  “I’m sorry, Meri
wether-san. Does my lack of clothes make you uncomfortable?” I bowed again in apology, my breasts bouncing a little with each bow.

  He covered his eyes with a hand.

  I tried not to laugh. “I forget your people’s ways. Covering our bodies is a new custom of my people that we only do out of need to keep warm.” That wasn’t quite true. Even in warmer weather we covered our genitals, but he didn’t need to know that.

  He cleared his throat. “Oh, uh, that’s nice.”

  I casually strolled closer to the dresser, letting my fingers slide over one of his neck cloths. I think Faith called it a cravat. My fingers skimmed over the box on the dresser and finally the memory moss.

  “It is hard to understand why your people cover themselves when it’s so warm. Do men find women’s body’s ugly? Do you not look at me because I repulse you?” I palmed the moss and hid it behind my back.

  He turned to the wall and waved a hand at me with a shooing motion. “Were you still wanting to put my clothes on? You can take them with you and dress in the hall. Indeed, that’s a capital idea if I do say so myself.” He giggled in his nervousness.

  This was quite diverting. I stepped in front of the air vent. The breeze was cooler than Faith’s room and it made my skin prickle with goosebumps. “Oh, I suppose it isn’t as warm right here.” My nipples hardened and the skin around them puckered.

  “Are you dressing?” Meriwether turned his head to look at me, but only for a second. That second was long enough.

  He buried his face against a pillow. Faith said she found him annoying when he pretended to be bumbling and awkward. I suspected something else; he actually was bumbling and awkward. He only pretended to be a clever man who pretended to be bumbling. This moment wasn’t an act. He was afraid of my nakedness.

  Meriwether’s voice was muffled behind the pillow. “You truly should leave. Miss Earnshaw will get the wrong idea if she learns you’ve been in here. Men and women don’t show themselves each other like this unless they have romantic intentions.”

  Behind my back, I crumbled the memory moss against my hand. This had the added benefit of making my breasts thrust out most becomingly. I would have to try that later and see if Faith noticed. I sat down on the bed. “What if I have romantic intentions? Will you teach me to kiss like a gaiyojin?”

  In one quick motion, he grabbed his blanket, lifted it to his chin and leapt to his feet. The blanket under me tugged out from under my bottom, rolling me off the bed. I stumbled back and fell on the floor, losing some of the memory moss with it. I righted myself with as much grace as I could. He stood on the bed, his back pressed against the wall. He held the blanket over himself like a shield. It was hard to ignore the bulge of his chin-chin poking against his blankets since his waist was just above eyelevel.

  Meriwether noticed too. He looked down at himself and then to me. “Miss Sumiko, leave my bedchamber right now!”

  I backed away, bowing in earnest. “So sorry, Meriwether-san. I did not mean to offend. Sumimasen.” It wasn’t hard to affect hurt when the vehemence of his tone stung. I scurried back to snatch up my clothes and hastened out. He still stood on the bed, his face turned to the corner as I exited.

  I was embarrassed, not by my nudity, but by my rudeness. No Jomon man or woman would ever do such a thing to someone of the opposite sex on my world. It would be shameful. Worse than that, I hadn’t succeeded in seducing him and getting Faith’s memories back, only in making us both uncomfortable. It was hard to think of him as an enemy when he behaved with such child-like innocence.

  I went back to my room and lay beside Faith, but I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about why he hadn’t looked at me. I knew I was attractive. Plenty of men back home had wanted me, though I hadn’t wanted them. Faith liked to draw my face and she only liked to draw pretty things, so that told me a gaijin might find me pretty. Meriwether obviously found me attractive. His erection had told me that. But he hadn’t wanted me.

  A niggling thought worked its way into my brain, a thought I didn’t like much. Could it be that I was wrong about him? Could it be he didn’t want me because he truly loved her?

  Later, I found a pair of his clothes neatly folded outside Faith’s door.

  The memory slipped away and I fell into a blackness too thick to breathe. From the way the burning cold engulfed me, I thought I was in the ocean for a moment. I fought to get back to the surface, to find a place I wasn’t suffocating.

  Yet the closer I sank into my body, the more excruciating the pain became. The spice of the memory moss was cloying and made me choke. My soul felt as though it was being drained away. Every nerve of my body was on fire. I heard voices, but I couldn’t make out their words. They spoke through walls of water.

  Just when the torment felt as though it might subside, I was wrenched away from myself again and forced into a memory that was not of my choosing. It was, in fact, shortly after I’d come to Meriwether to seduce him with memory moss. It was a memory I’d wished to conceal.

  I stood beside Faith in the ship’s botanical garden. I tugged at the legs of the gray trousers I wore and tried to readjust the suspenders so the fabric of my shirt didn’t stick to my body in the artificial heat of the room. These gaiyojin pants were snugger than my hakima pants in the loose style Jomon wore.

  “You obviously don’t like wearing men’s clothes any better than ladies’ dresses. Why don’t you change back?” Faith begged. “It really isn’t proper, you know, for a woman to wear pants like this.”

  “No, this is fine,” I lied. I would do just about anything to keep her from tying me up in one of her corsets. Still, I didn’t think I could fight properly in these clothes any better than one of her dresses.

  Her face flushed red and she looked away. “You can be so vexing,” she muttered.

  I laughed and placed an arm around her shoulder. “Are you going to use your funny words and curse at me now?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. A lady never curses.”

  That only made me laugh harder. I’d heard her curse plenty of times.

  Faith sketched her flowers as I roamed the rows of plants. I checked on the memory moss I’d planted. The herbs grew quickly in the hot, humid environment, even better than on the stones of the bathhouse at home. We already had a lifetime supply in the garden. I smiled to myself, thinking about sharing memories with Faith for the rest of our lives.

  We were down there for quite some time and as soon as Faith excused herself and left for a moment of privacy to use the privy, a shadow shifted in my peripheral vision. I pretended I didn’t see Meriwether step out from a door in the wall. He stalked me silently like a predator. The way he moved made me think he thought he was good at sneaking. I suppose he was for a gaijin.

  I wasn’t about to make anything easy for him. I meandered over to another row of plants to put more space between us. I adjusted my stance and kept my knees bent and ready to strike should I need to.

  Meriwether cleared his throat. “I wish to speak with you, Miss Sumiko. About last night.”

  I turned and pretended he had surprised me. “I did not see you there. So sorry.” I bowed and feigned shame. Even if I hadn’t been good at pretending, it wouldn’t have been so difficult after last night. “I have dishonored myself and made us both lose face. Sumimasen.”

  He held his hand out to me. “Stop. I know you had no intention of seducing me. You’re too loyal of a friend to Miss Earnshaw.”

  I raised my eyebrows in question. He opened his palm to reveal a dried chunk of memory moss. I thought I’d still clutched the largest portion of it in my fist as I’d exited, but he’d found enough of it to catch on to me. Later there would be time enough to chide myself. Now I had to keep my head clear so I could think.

  “You would do anything for Miss Earnshaw, wouldn’t you?” he asked. “Even steal her memories from me so you could give them back to her.”

  “You are much smarter when you think with you head.” I gave his crotc
h a meaningful glance. “Unlike when you think with your chin-chin.”

  His cheeks turned rosy. “I suspect you took full advantage of that last night. You know where I am most vulnerable.”

  I tilted my head in acknowledgement. “You’re a worthy opponent.”

  “Miss Sumiko, I don’t want to be your opponent. Let us both be friends. We both share a . . . fondness of Miss Earnshaw, is that not correct?”

  My skin crawled over the way he said the word “fondness.” Was I so obvious? I thought I’d been careful to conceal my feelings for her when we weren’t in private, but love could be difficult to conceal. Would he tell Faith? If he were as dangerous as I feared, he would use this information to blackmail me. He would use it to shame me.

  I swallowed the lump of fear in my throat. If I was smart, I would have kept my mouth closed and pretended indifference, but I was no better than he was when I’d found his weakness. “You will now tell this to Faith-chan to drive us apart.”

  “I think not. That’s between you and Faith. It’s none of my business.” He tugged at the bottom of his jacket, his fists remaining clenched on the hem. His bone white knuckles told me of his anger, though he kept his voice as calm and controlled as a Jomon leader. “You must not think very highly of me if you believe I would want to hurt Miss Earnshaw.”

  I kept my voice low and composed as not to give my own anger away. “If you are so fond of Faith-chan, why will you not give her memories back?”

  “In due time, I will return them to her. But for now, it’s safest to keep them in my care where they won’t harm her.” He offered a tentative smile.

  Was this a jest? I could never tell with a gaijin. But no, his smile was real, his words earnest. He truly thought her memories could harm her. Well, I didn’t.

  “When will you return Faith-chan’s memories?”

  He sighed. “My word! You have a one track mind.”

  The doors swooshed open and in came Faith. She carried her skirts so she wouldn’t trip on them. Her dress snagged on a tiered shelf of plants and she turned to free it from a corner of metal, lifting her skirts even higher. She muttered to herself in those funny words she had once confessed were space sailor swearing words she had learned as a child. Meriwether stared at her slender white ankles and blushed. He turned away as the bulge in his pants swelled.