Walking Alone

by Carolyn McCrae

  “Of course he was!”

  “Have it your own way.”

  The snippets he fed her week after week preyed on her mind. She couldn’t ask her Dad anything and it would only cause problems if she asked her Mom. So she let the seeds of doubt fester.

  It was the only reason she kept seeing him. She hated what he had to say, but some of it had the ring of truth.

  “How do you know all this?” She asked one afternoon. She was trying not to believe that Linda might be right about Graham after all. She did not realise that by asking that question she was showing him she believed what he said was true.

  “That’s for me to know and you to find out.” She had stormed out of the pub at that, but when he called and asked her out the next week she knew she would go.

  The scraps of information he gave her of her family made Holly wonder about her parents and how she actually did know of their past. It was the details she did have, and told Graham, that proved to be very useful to him.

  She couldn’t tell Linda why she kept seeing him and Linda, not understanding, felt excluded.

  By the time they had finished their first year exams and were heading home Linda and Holly had probably had enough of each others company.

  “How did you meet?” She asked what she thought would be seen as an innocent question when she was having her first supper with her parents after getting home for the long summer holiday.

  “Why do you ask?” Her Mother seemed OK with the question.

  “I just wondered, you know. I don’t know much about you when you were young. I mean we never see my grandparents. I don’t know anything about your parents Dad.”

  Her parents looked across the table at each other and she saw the enquiry in her Mother’s eyes.

  “Well Matt, we knew she would ask sooner or later.”

  “You’re not going to say I’m adopted or anything. Are you?” Holly panicked. She hadn’t been prepared for that.

  “No. No. Of course not Darling.”

  “What is it then?”

  “Your Dad had a very difficult childhood. He lost touch with his parents when he was just a boy. He had to find his own way in life. He taught himself everything he knew and got a good job at the university. That’s where I met him. He hasn’t got a family. Only us.”

  The phone rang and Matt answered it, seemingly relieved that the interrogation was interrupted. Both Mary and Holly listened to Matt’s side of the conversation even though he seemed to be speaking quieter than was natural.

  “Not really but carry on anyway.”

  “Too fucking right.” He sounded interested

  “Yeah. I’m going.”

  “How much?”

  “OK. Probably. Tomorrow. I said OK.” And he put the phone receiver down.

  “What was that about?” Mary asked when Matt came back to the table.

  “Nothing.” They both knew he wasn’t going to tell them.

  “Dad you were telling me about your family.”

  “No I wasn’t. You were asking about it.”

  “You met Mum in Toronto. Is that where you came from?” She realised she was playing a dangerous game by pushing her Dad further. He had never liked too many questions.

  Mary answered for him. “Don’t keep on Holly, your Dad doesn’t like thinking about it.”

  “I met your Mother, married her and we had you. That’s all you need to know.” Matt wanted an end to the conversation but Holly needed information to contradict the picture Graham had painted.

  He had told her of a man, no longer young, arriving in Canada after the war with no past. He got a job in the library at the university. His knowledge of languages, especially German, had helped him. He had wanted to marry so he could never be deported. He found an isolated student, rather as a predatory hunter searches for its prey amongst the weak and the marginalized on the plains of Africa.

  “But where were you born? What did you do before you got the job in Toronto?”

  In Mary, Graham had said, Matt found someone who hated her parents, had no friends and spoke to no one.

  “Mum? What happened to your parents? Why don’t we ever hear from them?”

  Graham said he persuaded her that if they married they could go to America. She had graduated top of her year, any university would snap her up. Then she wouldn’t have to look after her parents as they grew old.

  “Why do I never see any of my grandparents? Are they all dead? Where do we come from?”

  Holly looked at her parents, having had no answer to any of her questions, she asked one final question

  “Did you ever love each other?” The silence that followed was answer enough. “So why are you still together?”

  She knew her parents had never been happy, she had heard the arguments through the years; her father’s shouting and her Mother’s tears. She’d seen the broken furniture and her Mother’s bruises. But she had always thought there must have been a time when they loved each other.

  “It’s because of me isn’t it? I’ve always known you’ve hated living together and you’ve only stayed together because of me.” Her Mother shook her head but said nothing. “How do you think that makes me feel?”

  It seemed that everything Graham had told her was true.

  It did not occur to her at the time to ask how he could possibly have known.

  The next day the members of the Eccleston family were barely speaking to each other when they went to Charles Donaldson’s birthday barbecue.

  Chapter Twelve

  Holly had a miserable summer.

  She spent the first weeks alone, Linda seemed to be as happy to avoid her as she was avoid Linda. She had been looking forward to spending most of the summer in the States. But she had no more fun there. She had tried to meet up with her old friends bit after spending two afternoons listening to them talking about their lives she found she had nothing in common with them any more. She realised how much she had changed in the two years since she had left.

  She thought about Graham and whether she missed him at all but decided she didn’t. If there was anyone she would liked to have talked to it was Crispin. But he hadn’t shown any interest all year, not since that first evening in Oxford, and the bean fight. It would have been nice if he’d asked her out, even if it would have meant having to talk to Linda.

  They had had such hopes of their years at university together and it just wasn’t turning out like that.

  While the Ecclestons were away Graham did what he had wanted to do for months, he broke into number 16.

  He spent a long time in Holly’s room, going through her clothes, smelling them, lying in her bed, imagining doing the things he wanted to do to her but was holding off. For the moment his cause was served by giving her a little but not too much. He would start soon, taking little tasters, just a quick one here and there to keep her interested. But in time, yes, in time, he would let full rein to his imagination and get all he needed of her.

  But he hadn’t broken into her home to have sexual fantasies in Holly’s bed he was there to find out more about Matt. It seemed Matt had kept everything about his past from his wife and daughter. They didn’t know and their not knowing gave Graham his chance. And it seemed Matt knew nothing about the O’Dwyers.

  Graham looked everywhere in the house, there was nothing about Mary’s parents. There was nothing in Matt’s desk about them, only the carefully written note books showing how much Max was paying him.

  It had been Matt’s idea to get a regular income from Max but it had taken a while to get him to pay up. He’d only started paying in June, £100 a week Matt had said, and he was giving Graham £50 of that. ‘Fair shares’ he had said handing over the notes in the pub each Monday night. Graham had thought Max must be paying Matt more than that. A paltry £100 a week was nothing. As he looked through Matt’s carefully written notebooks he could see he was getting £250 a week. ‘Shit. The fucker’s pocketing two hundred quid a week’. He swiftly calculated how much he ha
d been cheated out of in the past four months.

  That made him angry.

  He’d given him all that information about the photographs and the nanny. He’d given him all the proof he needed and he had cheated him out of the best part of two thousand quid.

  He decided he wasn’t going to get away with it. Life would have to be made a bit more difficult for Matt. He’d make Mary and Holly ask questions, he’d nudge them into knowing what a shit Matt really was.

  And he wasn’t going to tell him what he’d found out about the O’Dwyers.

  He’d go along with Matt just as though they were still working together, but when it came down to it he’d stall on Matt’s plan while working on his own. Matt would get nothing. Serve the cheating bastard right.

  At the beginning of October Graham called Holly, offering her a lift down to Leicester. She was glad to be going back to Leicester, even if it did mean putting up with Linda’s sarcastic comments again. Still, they didn’t have to be in each other’s pockets all the time.

  “Where’s your parents?” He asked her as he loaded his car with Holly’s bags.

  “Mum’s at work. Dad’s probably at the pub.”

  “That’s a pity. I’d like to have met them.” Holly couldn’t think why he would want to meet her parents and was horrified at the idea. She really didn’t want her mother to think Graham was her boyfriend.

  “I’ve bought a car.” Graham said after the silence in the car had lasted several minutes.

  “What’s wrong with this one?”

  “No I mean a racing car.” She wasn’t sure what reaction he had expected but it probably was different from the one she gave.

  “Why?”

  “What do you mean why?” He had hoped she might be a little more impressed.

  “Why? What for? For what reason? What do you think I mean by ‘why’?” Holly wasn’t in the mood for games. She was regretting accepting his offer of a lift. Graham chain smoked, filling the car with smoke and the car stank.

  “Alright alright, keep your hair on.”

  “OK. What are you going to do with it?”

  “Race it.”

  “You?”

  “Yes me. What’s so funny about that?” His voice had that dark threat that sometimes he could not control.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. It’s just such a strange thing to do! How can you afford it? It must cost a fortune. How do you learn what to do? It can’t be that simple – just buy a car, turn up and race can it?”

  He spent the rest of the journey telling her how he had done his research, how he had spent the time since they had met in Oxford going to meetings at Brands Hatch, Mallory Park, Lydden Hill and other circuits around the country, how he’d spoken to people with cars that he thought he could afford and talked to them about how they started. They’d been very helpful. They’d shown him how to apply for his provisional licence, they’d sold him second hand fireproof overalls and pointed him in the direction of a suitable car.

  She couldn’t even attempt to sound interested so she soon stopped listening, just occasionally wiping the steamed up windows and peering out at the rain-sodden countryside.

  As they pulled up outside the flat she realised she didn’t know when Linda would be getting back, or even how she was coming. It didn’t look like she was here yet.

  Holly unlocked the door and turned on the light. Even in early afternoon it was gloomy. It didn’t help her mood.

  “Want some help Doll?”

  He had helped her carry her bags up to her room, dropping them just inside the door.

  “Will you come with me, you know, racing?” He quietly closed the door behind him, watching her as she put her load on the floor by the bed.

  “What would I have to do?” She was concentrating on some books that had spilled out onto the floor.

  “Not a lot. Stand in the pits with a clipboard, look gorgeous.” He pulled her round towards him and kissed her hard, pushing her down on the bed.

  Before she could stop him he had his hand between her legs and was kneading her roughly. He was hurting her and she began to wrestle against him but he was strong and he already had his jeans open and her pants pushed aside.

  For a few moments she wished she had worn jeans, it wouldn’t have been so easy for him, but then she thought ‘Hell, why not? No one else cares a shit so what have I got to lose?’

  He didn’t say any words of endearment or of encouragement. But then she hadn’t really expected him to.

  As he rolled off her a few minutes later she thought it had been almost as uncomfortable as the first time.

  “He never said anything about push starting the car and sitting around for hours in the freezing cold waiting for the fog to lift so they could go out and drive round in circles for half an hour, or the completely awful hamburgers and the filthy freezing loos.” Linda listened as Holly told her everything about her day.

  Graham had picked her up just after five o’clock on the following Sunday morning. A white Ford Anglia was on a trailer behind a car she knew wasn’t his. She’d had to squeeze into the front seat between Graham and Martin. Martin, she was informed, was Graham’s mechanic, but from the way he gave Graham directions she thought the race car was actually his and Graham was just showing off. They drove for what seemed like hours but was probably only two, eventually parking on a piece of sloping tarmac surrounded by ghostly figures and car shapes. She couldn’t see a race track, she couldn’t see anything much in the fog.

  “We had to push the car everywhere until half way through the morning. Apparently there’s a church near the track and they don’t like the noise from the engines. I just seemed to spend all day pushing that bloody car and talking to Martin. Graham had a great time! In the ten hours we were there he got to drive the car about half an hour. But he wasn’t last. He’d started at the back but other people fell off and so there were two cars behind him when he finished. He’s so proud of himself! He got a signature on his licence. He really enjoyed himself.”

  “Oh good.” Linda said sarcastically asked when she could get a word in. “What about you?”

  Holly ignored Linda’s tone of voice but still sounded less than convincing. “Yeah. I didn’t think I would but I did.”

  “You won’t be going again will you?” Linda hoped that the answer would be ‘no’.

  “Probably. I saw Carl today.” Holly hoped Linda wouldn’t assume the two points were connected.

  “Yeah?” Linda feigned indifference.

  “Yeah.” Holly mimicked

  “How was he?”

  “He sends his love. I didn’t see him for long – he was pushing a car in the opposite direction and we couldn’t hold things up. I think he was in a garage, we lowly souls were out in the open. He didn’t come to find me later, even if he had a chance I’m not sure he would have done anyway. I don’t think he likes Graham very much.”

  “Sensible man.”

  Holly threw a cushion in Linda’s direction.

  They both thought their friendship was OK for the moment anyway. Since they were to live and work together for another year, at least, they were going to make the best of it.

  Holly didn’t see Graham at any other time than every other weekend, he was still working in Liverpool and she made it clear that she needed the non-racing weekends to catch up with other things.

  “We don’t sleep together you know.” Holly felt she had to clear the air. “It’s not really possible in the car, and Martin is always there.”

  “What a shame.” Linda had replied sarcastically. “He looks like such a good shag.”

  Holly had thought Graham would make opportunities for them to be together alone on their weekends away but since that first time at the flat they had only had one or two opportunities, snatched minutes which Holly found completely unsatisfying. She wanted to take time over it. If they were going to have sex he should try to make it halfway decent for her. She wanted longer at it, time for him to warm her
up, time to get into a state where she could possibly enjoy it. But they were never alone long enough.

  Perhaps that was what Graham wanted.

  Holly went home at Christmas on her own.

  Linda was joining her family in Oxford and Graham hadn’t mentioned anything about his plans so she hitch-hiked up the motorway alone.

  Her mother and father were as distant form each other as they had always been and she felt uncomfortable with the knowledge that neither wanted to be there with each other, or with her. They did seem to want to make an effort for Christmas though, her 20th birthday.

  “You won’t be a teenager any more.”

  “No thank God!”

  “You’re growing up. We hardly see you any more.” As if they cared.

  They were surprised when the doorbell rang on Christmas Morning.

  “I’ll go.” Holly who had been clearing the wrapping paper and boxes that were strewn around the floor of the living room.

  “Graham! What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Don’t I get invited in?”

  “Well, it’s…” She couldn’t find the words to put him off.

  “Who is it Sweetie?” her Mother called her.

  How was she going to explain him? She hadn’t told them anything about Graham and her weekends away. Whenever they asked about ‘boyfriends’ she always said ‘No one special’. What was she going to say? How was she going to explain him?

  “My name’s Graham.” He had pushed past Holly and walked towards the voices, his hand outstretched to introduce himself. “Graham Tyler. I’m a friend of Holly’s, I was in the area so called in to wish her a Happy Birthday. I hope I’ve not intruded.”

  It all sounded so respectable but it didn’t seem as if he cared whether he had intruded or not.

  “No. Of course not. We’re happy to welcome a friend of Holly’s aren’t we Matt?” Mary spoke quickly, nervous at this young man’s confidence. It reminded her of Matt when they had first met, absolutely charming but with something going on underneath that she couldn’t put her finger on. Matt looked as unwelcoming as he could.