Breathe

by Hazel Robinson

  “I’m not the type of guy that goes to clubs and bars just to pick up vulnerable women…”

  I place the cup back down on the table for a moment, curiosity getting me. Sitting back in the chair, I bite on my nail for a moment, smiling. “And is that what you think about me?”

  “I think you act strong and independent, but deep down you are hurt and lonely.” He mimics my own movements – sitting back in his chair he simply stares at me, like saying ‘come on tell me I’m wrong.’

  “First of all, it’s not an act! And second, I might be hurt, yes, but not lonely. For your information I have had a lifetime of shit you couldn’t even dream about, so the tough girl act…. isn’t an act.”

  He holds his hands up, smiling at me. “Well, I’m sorry I got you wrong.”

  I’ll let him have that one. We both just laugh…. For the first time in years it wasn’t a fake laugh, or a forced smile, it was real.

  “Look I don’t want to sound forward or anything but you’re more than welcome to stay here for the night if you want, I have a spare room?” He leans forward, clasping his hands together.

  Do I want to stay? If Drake is out there, he won’t find me here, I don’t even know where I am so no chance of him finding me. But can I really spend the night at a total stranger’s house – for all I know he is worse than Drake! I stand up sharply. “Look I’m just going to go home.”

  “Are you sure that’s what you want to do Evvie?” He stands up and walks over to me. My heart picks up pace a little. I take a moment, staring into his eyes, mesmerized. He’s so much taller than me up this close – I hadn’t noticed before but standing so close to him; he towers over me, strong and muscular. Deep down I don’t think I want to leave. Every barrier I have seems weak against him and I don’t know why.

  “No.” It almost comes out a whisper, remembering his lips touched mine earlier –the feeling still raw on my lips.

  We stand staring at each other, both trying to read the other’s intentions. This is probably one of the safest places I can be right now, and I know what monsters lurk in the darkness.

  He breaks the silence first, changing the subject as he runs his hands through his hair. “Ok well I’m just going to jump in the shower and then I’ll make up the spare room for you, make yourself at home.” He turns and walks down the long bright hall.

  I let out a long sigh, pulling my hair out of the scrunchie, the curls fall over my shoulders. Walking across the room to the bookcase, my hand trails over each book. The faint sound of water running in the distance as I wander around the room, nervous to touch anything but curious to see more about him, his mystery intrigues me.

  I walk over to the wall that has a bunch of photo’s hanging in frames. My heart races as I scan over each one, amazed by the images. So many pictures of vast open ocean, fish, dolphins. My heart stops for a moment when the movie Jaws comes to mind – a huge giant shark, battle scars all down one side, deep blue water surrounds it.

  I pick up the picture sitting on the side table. Another shark. Taking a closer look, I can see a figure in the picture. One of those shark cages like you see on TV, I can’t make anything else out, it’s too far away to see, just this tiny person in a wet suit. Taking another look at the shark, I see the same scar markings as the other picture.

  I hold the frame for ages, staring at it, then at the wall of pictures.

  Who is this guy? I ask myself.

  “That’s Betty,” Marcus’ voice echoes through me from behind, shaking me out of my trance. I almost drop the picture. Instantly placing it back on the small table, I turn around…

  “I’m sor….” I can’t get my words out. He has nothing but a pair of sweat shorts hanging on his waist, his hair dripping, skin tanned and silky. Fuck.me! I stare at him, taking every part of him in, drinking in his body…. Beads of water drip over his chest. My eyes come across a tattoo on his chest, a wolf; its eyes almost 3d like staring back at me. I can’t help but trail my eyes up and down his body, noticing a strange scar on his leg, like ragged marks, almost like teeth marks but too big to be from any animal I can think of.

  I can feel the heat coming off his body from the water as he walks slowly in my direction…. what the actual fuck was I even saying? What did he say?

  “Betty.” He points to the picture I just placed back on the table.

  “Oh, sorry.” I shake my head as he stops inches in front of me, I’m sure he is trying to look sexier than is needed right now. “Sorry I was just…”

  He picks up the picture, smiling. “She is 13-foot long. My favourite shark.” His face lights up when he speaks about it, so much passion in his tone.

  “You like sharks?” I ask, averting my eyes off him and to the picture.

  “You could say that.” He points to the figure in the cage. “That’s me.”

  “No way.” I smile, almost giddy for more information, how is it that I find that completely hot – not the wet suit bit (although, come on a fucking wet suit!) but more the thought of him in the beautiful wide ocean, completely free, swimming with the planets more beautiful yet dangerous creatures.

  “Yeah, I spent two years tracking her, monitoring her behaviour – where she goes, her favourite feeding grounds, that kind of thing. Even got to go in the water with her a couple times. She was the first shark I ever tagged.”

  “Are you shitting me? You swam with sharks?” I sit on the chair, looking up at him in awe. This guy just got a whole lot more interesting.

  “Yeah. I always wanted to work with sharks and after finishing university I ended up working in Cape Town as a research assistant, I did that for two years, then three years with a shark charity.” I can hear the pride in his voice. He must have been so fortunate to experience such passion.

  A sense of regret dwells deep inside me. Lucky for him, he got to travel the world fulfilling his lifelong dream. Whereas I had all mine taken away from me, my dreams twisted until I didn’t have them anymore, stolen from me.

  “That’s really awesome.” I sound so jealous, bitter even.

  I look down at the scar on his leg again, tilting my head to the side a little for a better look.

  He instantly notices and turns his leg in my direction. “Ah that’s nothing, just a little nip!” he laughs, and it’s a beautiful sound, refreshing and warming.

  “A little nip?!” I raise my eyebrow at him…. He has a shark bite scar on his leg, and he calls it a little nip!

  “Yeah, I thought it would be clever and go for a swim without my gear on and well a little blue decided she wanted a little taste of me… luckily I never go diving alone.”

  My heart pounds, I’m a little shocked at how someone that swims with sharks could be so reckless and excited that he has such a reckless side to him. “Wow, you actually got bit by a shark. I bet that was scary?”

  “For a moment yeah, and then adrenaline kind of takes over and I managed to kick her in the face with my other foot and swim to the surface. Luckily, she was only a young pup, so nothing too big and overpowering.” He pauses for a moment. I can see him flashing back through his own memories. “I was in hospital just over a week, god knows how many stitches and then straight back in the water.”

  “So even after that you still went back in the water. I would have been too scared.”

  He laughs under his breath. “It was always my dream, and I wasn’t going to let my own stupidity stop me from getting back in the water…. You should never let your fear control you.” I sense a hint of sadness in his face as his eyes glaze over the picture before placing it back. “I had to stop and come home.”

  “Why did you have to stop?”

  “It doesn’t matter now, it’s in the past.” His voice breaks, only a little, but enough for me to notice. Maybe we are both hiding dark secrets.

  “So, what do you do now then? Must be pretty boring after swimming with sharks for a living?” I smile, changing the subject.

  He runs his hand through his partially dry hair,
smiling. “I still swim with sharks.”

  I look at him confused.

  “I work at the sea-life centre – feeding the sharks, swimming with them for visitors, taking people in the tanks to dive with them.”

  “So, you still get to live your dream then?” I sit on the end of the chair. So enchanted by his life. It must be so exciting spending your life like that.

  “Yes, it doesn’t feel like that sometimes…I feel just as captive as they are.”

  “I know that feeling,” I confess. I know exactly how that feels, in fact.

  He walks over to me, brushing my thick curls off my face. “What’s your story Evvie?”

  I close my eyes, drinking in the tender feeling of his touch, breathing in the fresh smell of his body wash, citrus, enticing my nostrils. Opening my eyes once more, I want to tell him…I feel like I need to tell him, like something inside is screaming at me to open up to him, to share my deep dark secret, but I can’t. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

  “Shit.” I look at my watch and suddenly I realise I haven’t let Justin know where I am. Completely changing the subject and breaking the moment. “I forgot to check in with my brother…”

  I rush to grab my bag and dig out my phone… shit 12 missed calls and countless texts. “Do you mind if I just give him a quick call?”

  “Yeah sure, I’ll go sort the bed out for you, leave you in peace a minute.”

  I smile, watching him walk away. Shaking myself out of his trance, I quickly ring Justin.

  It doesn’t take him long to answer. “Hey Evvie, Where the hell are you? I’ve been worried fucking sick.”

  “I’m fine Justin, don’t worry.” I let out a breath.

  “Don’t worry? You’ve gotta be kidding. You run off out of the club and then vanish….”

  I cut him off before he has time to give me a lecture. “Look Drake was at the club, at least I think he was, I panicked and well… the guy from earlier helped me and gave me a place to crash for the night.”

  I can hear him breathing heavy down the phone. “Are you ok Evvie?”

  “Justin I am fine. Trust me, and if I’m not, I would tell you,” I try to reassure him.

  “Ok well I’m upping security on the club tomorrow and I need Drake’s picture, so they know who they are looking for.” He instructs me firmly. “I still wish you would just go to the police!”

  “Justin, you know I can’t, it’s too risky.”

  He sighs one more down the line. “Get him locked up then he can’t hurt you…fuck sake Evvie it really isn’t that fucking hard.”

  “Justin, I am not going to the police and that’s it! Now just drop it.” The phone goes silent for a moment, but I know he is still there. I can picture him rubbing his temple, stressing about it.

  “Fine! Just keep safe and I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that, he hangs up the phone on me.

  I need some air, placing my phone on the table I walk over to the sliding door, pulling it open a gust of fresh air hits me. I take a step out onto the balcony, wrapping my arms around myself. The cold night air bites at my skin but I don’t care, lifting my head to look up at the stars I let out a shaky breath, strands of my hair blow in front of my face like red flames. I never expected to be safe forever -I could run to the end of the earth and he would still find me, I just wasn’t expecting it to be so soon… I left a trail of breadcrumbs in the wrong direction and he still found me. But then what belongs to Drake always belongs to him and he won’t stop till he has me back, I know it! I know him better than anyone.

  I walk closer to the railings, holding onto them I look out to the London night lights – always such a breath-taking view, it makes my heart ache with its beauty.

  The cold breeze rushes around me, until a warm hand coils around my waist, heat rushes around me from both his body and his touch, I lean in, taking a deep breath against his fresh t-shirt, the scent of his citrus body wash still lingering on his skin, he pulls me tight. I don’t speak, neither of us does, he just holds me tight in his arms, making me feel safe. Suddenly the cold vanishes and so does my worry.

  I open my eyes slowly; the sun blazes though the curtains I sit up remembering where I am. Last night’s adventure now leaving me with a headache and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Marcus held me for the longest time on the balcony and it felt so good – too good.

  We stayed out on the balcony for over an hour, just silently staring out to the night sky, until I began to feel sleepy and the early rush of adrenaline had worn off. He directed me to his spare room, something inside me didn’t want to be alone, it wanted to carry on being wrapped in his arm but I ignored it, brushed it off while he followed behind me and went to his own room across the hall. We stood at the doorways a moment, smiling as we said goodnight to each other, I smiled when I got in the room and quietly locked the door shut, leaning my back against the door.

  I can’t explain the feeling it gave me to be wrapped in someone’s arms feeling so safe, yet they are a complete stranger, it confuses me even now; he is gentle and kind, but I can see he is sure of himself; he proved that last night in the club. I remember the feeling of his soft tender lips on mine – only for a moment, but long enough to need more. An ache inside me screamed for his touch. In the heat of the moment I made an impulsive decision to follow him – something deep inside told me I would be ok with him.

  For the first time in a long time, my dreams were not filled with any kind of terror. If I’m completely honest with myself I haven’t had that good of a sleep in ages. The only person haunting my dreams was Marcus, and they weren’t haunting! Pulling my legs up to my chest, I smile thinking about him. But I can’t let any kind of feeling for him cloud the current situation I’ve got myself into, and I can’t put anyone else in danger. I can’t risk it. If Drake even thinks anyone else has been near me, he…. I can’t let him….

  The fact of the matter is that my ex-boyfriend was still stalking the club last night, the guy I spent so long running and hiding from was still standing right in front of me last night, still paralysed me with fear. No matter how safe I feel, I will never be completely free, not while Drake lurks in the shadows. I am his; I belong to him and he will stop at nothing to get me back.

  The reason I’ve kept myself hidden was to stop him hurting anyone I met, and now I have given him another target – another way to get to me!

  What if Drake saw me leaving with Marcus? I can’t put someone else in danger. He will do anything to take me back…. Anything.

  I jump up out of the bed, rushing round to gather belongings, I panic, it doesn’t really matter than nothing happened between me and Marcus; it doesn’t even matter if neither of us have feelings for the other, but if Drake thinks there is, he won’t care. Rushing to grab my clothes, I quickly get dressed and pull my hair into a ponytail. Quietly I sneak past his bedroom door and into the living room, picking up my jacket and handbag I stop for a moment, reaching in my bag for a pen and piece of paper I quickly write him a note and leave.

  I feel empty as I walk through the street, looking behind me every couple of minutes, making sure I haven’t been followed – paranoid at every person that walks past me too close, anyone that looks at me making me more insecure. Finally reaching the train station, I rush to catch the train before it sets off.

  Out of breath and tired, I quickly send Justin a message to meet me. I really don’t want to make the rest of the journey on my own because if Drake found me at the club then that means he is really here and could be anywhere. No street will be safe for me. I need to keep myself hidden for a while, hoping he might think it wasn’t really me, or that I ran away again – at least, I hope.

  As the train comes to a stop, I stand up and make my way to the door, still my anxiety sky high as I observe anyone that gets too close to me, my fist clenched ready to take on anyone that comes near me.

  “Justin.” I wave jumping off the train and run towards him, his arm instantly pulling me in.

&nb
sp; “Fuck Evvie, I was so fucking worried about you last night!” He kisses me on the forehead and then loosens his grip on me.

  I link my arm in his and rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry Justin, I should have rung you earlier, it just... I don’t know.”

  “Too fucking right, you should have, one minute you’re up on stage, the next you’re out the door with a total stranger and no word on where you are!” his voice harsh with anger.

  “Ok DAD!” I snap at him.

  He stops dead in his tracks. “Don’t Evvie. Don’t act like I’m the bad guy…”

  “Well, don’t treat me like a kid Justin!” I love my brother to pieces, and I will be forever be grateful to him for letting me stay with him, but sometimes I think he forgets I’m not weak or stupid!

  “Look I’m sorry sis, I don’t want to fall out with you, I just want you to be careful…” He looks down at his feet a moment then back to me. “You have to understand; we didn’t know where you were for three fucking years!”

  I take a deep breath; I know how much I hurt them and worried them; I made a stupid, impulsive decision, but that’s what you do when you think you’re in love, your whole world revolves around them, you don’t see what’s outside the bubble. I promised myself I would never be so blind again.

  He nudges my shoulder with his, drawing me out of my daydream. “Come on, let’s get you home.” He pulls me into his embrace, dropping the subject for now; I know deep down it won’t be the last time he has the same talk with me.

  We don’t live far from the train station but far enough for my nerves to pick up speed as we reach the flat, looking over my shoulder constantly – that’s what you do when you live in fear.

  When I was missing Justin put his life on hold – almost lost his business in the process, and when I showed up on his doorstep… I told him bits of what happened to me, I had no choice. I think deep down he knew there was more to the story. No big brother wants to hear the things he had to, not about their little sister. We never talk about it… I cried myself to sleep in his arms every night for months, but eventually he helped me build the pieces of myself back up again. He knew what kind of guy Drake was, even had people checking out his club when I first turned up, he heard the kind of things that went on, but I never confessed to him how dark my own experience went, and I never will. I don’t ever want him to know that part of me.