Breathe

by Hazel Robinson

  He wants to share his time with me.

  Is it fate he was there the other night? A coincidence that after all this time, the same night I meet him I get up on stage and come eye to eye with Drake?

  I can’t find the answers, and I’m worried if I overthink it, I will push him away and not give either of us a chance.

  Pushing up from the chair, I stretch my arms over my head. I need some fresh air and a bit of retail therapy to clear my head. I’m meant to be working in a few hours and I’m just winding myself up sitting here on my own.

  “Justin!” I shout down the hall to him. “I’m nipping out for an hour.”

  I stand waiting for his response.

  “Justin did you hear me?”

  I wait a few more seconds and just as I’m making my way down the hall he shouts from behind the door. “Yea, I heard! I’ll see you in a bit.”

  Shaking my head, I put my converse on, grab my bag, and head out the door.

  Once the cool breeze hits my face, I feel calmer. I slowly walk down the street taking in all the sights and sounds that surround me. I’ve never paid much attention before of just how much people rush around like their life is controlled by a clock. Everything is so big and busy.

  Bodies barge past each other in every direction and I try to move out the way as busy people walk past, their phones pressed against their ears – like they are attached. I wonder how many of them take the time to stop and evaluate the present rather than rushing for the future.

  I wander down the Highstreet, looking through the shop windows to check if anything catches my eye. Stopping in front of one window, I stare at the most amazing pair of Black buckled boots I’ve ever seen. Just as I’m about to enter the shop a huge guy dressed all in black shoulder barges past me; almost sending me spinning on my ass.

  “Jerk!” I shout to him.

  His head spins around, and he smirks at me over his shoulder.

  I stop for a moment, giving him the finger before storming in the shop.

  I search the shoe isle for the same boots I found in the window, almost squealing with excitement when I find them and in my size. I wander around and find a pair of black ripped jeans that will look perfect with the boots and a cute little red ribbed top with fake buttons that cuts off just above the hips.

  I smile to myself walking out the shop with my bag of goodies and decide to take a trip to the lingerie shop round the corner. I can feel my cheeks redden slightly thinking about going in. I’ve never really bothered about any kind of sexy or seductive underwear before – comfort has always been my best friend.

  I shyly walk down each isle, eyeing up the matching two-pieces, until one jumps out at me. The brightest red bra, its silky material soft to the touch and the stunning diamante detail on the cup just adds the finishing touch. I search to the back for the larger sizes, that’s the thing I love about having a larger bust – there are the cutest bras. I wouldn’t say my boobs are huge, but I was blessed with more than enough and a tiny waist which makes my boobs look bigger than they are. I pick up a pair of the matching knickers, opting for the shorts rather than the thong. I’m not a lover of thongs; they are the most uncomfortable invention ever.

  As I’m making my way back out the shop after paying, I stop in my tracks, a shiver rushes down the back of my neck, I check behind me, and then rush to check up the entrance. Realising I’m worried over nothing I smile walking out the door, bumping straight into a wall like body standing at the exit.

  “Oh, sorry…” I look up at the towering figure, but he says nothing. He only smirks at me.

  Strange.

  I frown a little before shaking it off making my way home; it’s not a far walk, but it left me feeling a little un-nerved. I check over my shoulder as I make the journey, the constant feeling I am being watched waves over me and my hands begin to clam up as I reach our block, hearing invisible footsteps behind me. Rushing through the entrance, I turn around quickly checking both directions before leaning back against the door and letting out a sigh of relief.

  Pushing back off the door, I press the button for the elevator and stand back waiting. My nerves are on edge; I know it’s stupid and just me worrying, but I still can’t help darting my eyes to the front door each time it opens.

  Rushing through the lift doors, my heart races as I press the button for our floor several times, hoping the doors will shut quicker. My bags are gripped tight in my hands and I tap my fingers on my wrist trying to calm myself down before I get out the lift. Damn, my nerves are all over the place. Since that night in the club, it’s like I’m back to square one again.

  When I first ran away from Drake and I would panic about been followed, or people grabbing me in the street, I wouldn’t leave the flat alone.

  Justin told me that whenever I felt that anxiety building up, just tap on my wrist and it would ease my nerves – and to be honest it does. I hate to admit my brother is right, but when my heart races too fast for me to think and I can’t get my brain to think rationally, I just tap my wrist and it calms the speed of my pulse.

  I stand outside the door and pull my key out of the bottom of my bag. Taking a deep breath, I check one last time down the corridor before walking in, slamming the door shut behind me and locking it.

  Dropping my bags in the entrance, I rush to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Justin swings his bedroom door open, causing me to almost drop the glass on the counter.

  “You got a problem with that front door?” he asks, walking down the hall to the kitchen.

  I place the glass in the sink, and turn to him, leaning against the counter. “Sorry, my hands were full, I tried shutting it with my foot and it slammed.”

  I look down at my feet, trying to hide my worry.

  “Ok what’s up?” He crosses his arms over his chest, eyes glaring into mine.

  I rub my temple for a moment, taking a deep breath.

  “I know something’s up with you Evvie, so spill.” He tilts his head to the side, giving me the big brother stare.

  “Ok. Fine.” I threw my hand in the air, storming to the living room. “I just had a strange moment in town and panicked. No big deal.”

  He frowns at me, like he is trying to read my thoughts. “A strange moment how?”

  I let out a loud sigh. “Well, this big guy all in black barged past me and when I turned around to him, he just smirked at me. Then when I left another shop, I ended up walking right into another big guy and when I tried to say sorry, he just stood smirking at me too.” I take a breath. “It just left me a bit un-nerved, and then I started to panic, thinking someone was following me home.”

  Justin rushes over to me, his hands holding on tight to my arms. “Did you actually see anyone following you?”

  I shake my head.

  He looks worried, and now I’m worrying again.

  “I’m pretty sure it was just my imagination playing tricks on me. It was probably nothing.” I try to reassure him, my arms aching from his hold – something doesn’t feel right.

  He lets go of my arms, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He runs his hand along the scruffy beard on his face. “But just to be safe, I’d rather you wait till I finish tonight before you come home, and don’t go out on your own anymore.”

  “But that means working an extra 2 hours. Plus, Marcus is picking me up after work….”

  “You’re seeing Marcus again tonight?”

  I tilt my head to the side; my eyes squint a little at him…. What the hell is going on with my brother? “Yeah, he is taking me out for the day tomorrow so I said I would stop over at his…I already told you yesterday Justin. What’s wrong?”

  “Ok. What time is he picking you up?” He ignores my question completely.

  “At 12:30…. what is all this about Justin?” My pulse starts racing fast.

  There’s something he isn’t telling me, I know it! I can feel it deep down to my core. It’s written all over his face. Something he’s hiding something from me.
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  He paces back and forth in the living room, rubbing his hands together. “It’s nothing Evvie, just do me a favour and when Marcus picks you up, tell him to come find me before you leave, ok?”

  I cross my arm firm across my chest. “Tell me, Justin.”

  I stand watching as he stops in his tracks, studying his face; I know when my brother is lying to me. He runs his hands through his hair, like he is debating if he should tell me or not.

  “Fine. I just got a call from security at the club. There was a fight outside the front door last night and while checking last night’s camera they caught footage of two big guys wearing all black, snooping around the back of the club….”

  I lean back against the chair for support. “Do you think it could be the same guys?” My legs are becoming jelly.

  “Look, you have nothing to worry about. It’s probably just a coincidence, we have no proof its…”

  “Drake!” I say his name with fear raging through. “I told you!” I pace back and forth, my heart pounding with panic.

  He pulls me into his arms, holding me tight. “We don’t know that it was anything to do with him. Remember, a couple months ago when we had footage of those little fuckers that were going round robbing the clubs?”

  I nod, trying to be as optimistic as he is.

  “I’m going to ring Dylan at the other club and see if he has heard of any trouble going on.” He brushes the hairs off my face. “You have nothing to worry about, trust me…nothing bad is going to happen to you. I won’t let it! Ok?”

  I force a smile. “Yeah.”

  “I’m going to make us something to eat, what do you fancy?” He gives me a little smile holding my chin gently to look at him, “Meatballs and spaghetti?”

  I bury the worry as deep as I can. “Yeah sounds good to me. I’m just going to jump in the shower and pack a couple bits for later. Give me a shout when it’s ready.” I don’t know how much more I can hold back, it’s a crippling feeling knowing that the thing you fear most is lurking in the darkness. I take a deep, calming breath.

  “Will do. And Evvie? Don’t worry ok?” He gives me a wink while gathering the pots and pans around the kitchen.

  How can I not worry when it’s written all over his face that he is just as worried as me? I hold back till I reach the bathroom door; my shaking hand holds the handle a moment before I take a breath and hide away inside. Locking the door behind me I sink to the floor, curling myself into a ball, I let my tears flow silently.

  Could it all be one big coincidence? I don’t think so. I try to think rationally, but it’s nearly impossible. Justin was right, it could just be nothing, who’s to say it’s the same guys from today? I hold my head in my hands, trying to convince myself it’s all nothing, trying to fight the guilt I feel…. guilt that I let myself become involved so intimately with another. I know I should have kept my guard up with him, knew I should have pushed him away while I had the chance, but now it’s too fucking late.

  Marcus has a way of clouding your judgment. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. I take a deep breath, leaning my head against the door.

  Was it by chance that Marcus entered my life when he did? He was there the night Drake was; I know I’m clutching on to the reality but maybe Marcus was meant to be there that night, meant to come into my life just as Drake walked back in…my whole life is questionable, every move I make destined to mark out what happens next.

  Maybe it’s time for me to be completely honest once and for all.

  Justin was right….

  Do I trust Marcus enough to tell him everything? We barely know each other.

  I stand up and check my reflection in the mirror, wiping the tears I stand up straight, coaxing a smile at myself. My hands shake as I hold on to the sink for support. For too long I have let Drake control me, strip me of the woman I am.

  I tell myself over and over ‘fuck it’ but the reflection doesn’t support me, she is weak and scared – she wants to be hidden away, she wants to feel safe, but will she ever be safe with a monster out there?

  I’ve been a nervous wreck all night at work. Justin keeps shooting off to the office. I know he is checking the cameras even though the security is on high alert tonight, one of them following me round everywhere I go, none of which is helping me. I’ve been clock watching all night, counting down the hours till I see Marcus again.

  It’s a quiet night in the club tonight since there are no live bands. Thursdays are always the quiet before the busy weekend. Dec is flirting with Jensen at the other end of the bar, both not working tonight but still feel that this is the only place they can be who they want to be, no one in here has ever judged them. I often wonder if they ever actually go anywhere else being that they seem to spend all their time here and Dec is such a gossip – wants to know everything that’s going on all the time.

  Even tonight Dec’s quizzing me, asking if my ‘hunky man’ is picking me up again. I stand watching them staring into each other’s eyes, their fingers entwined together. I get an ache in my chest that Jenson can’t be that person all the time. I wish he could be who he wants to be. He hid his sexuality for years before only telling a handful of people. Even though the strain of carrying the secret has lifted, he still has to hide behind his image.

  I told him time and time again that no one will bother, but the band just got a big deal and he doesn’t want to ruin it for them. They have been offered to play a gig at the Christmas beer festival, and Jenson doesn’t want the fans turning their back on them – it’s a big deal for them to be recognised in that way. Finding Dec was a saving grace for him. He seemed to appear out of nowhere at just the right time for him. Finally, he had someone he didn’t need to pretend with.

  “Hey baby girl.” Justin wakes me from my blissful daydream.

  I give him a small smile. “Hey.”

  He looks over to Jenson and Dec. “I don’t get those two.” He tips his head in their direction. “Not working yet, still cooped up in this place.”

  “It’s the only place they can go. Jenson can’t really go anywhere else and be himself.” I explain sympathetically about them.

  “Then why not just be who they want to be out there? I don’t get the hiding away in secret.” My brother has always been such a womaniser, he has no secrets when it comes to women, and doesn’t hide away with any. Many nights I have had to sleep with my headphones in.

  “You know Jenson doesn’t want to jeopardise the image of the band.” I sigh. “And besides, not everyone ‘out there’ knows about him being gay. He still hasn’t told his family, and he is scared how they will react. Not everyone is as understanding as us, you know.”

  “Yeah well, I still say be who you want to be.” He shakes his head walking away.

  Be who you want to be. Not always as easy as you think, I think to myself.

  I walk over to the happy couple, smiling. “Can I get you two another drink?”

  Dec checks his phone before giving Jenson a kiss on the cheek before excusing himself.

  Jenson props himself up on his hand, his elbow rests on the bar. His hair falls in his eyes a little, but he just pushes it out of the way. “Everything alright sweetie?”

  I give him a little nod. “Yeah.”

  “Are you sure? You look a little on edge tonight, Evvie.” He leans forward.

  I rest my hand on his. “I’m sure, Jensen.” I grab him a bottle of Bud out of the fridge behind me and slide it to him. “Anyway…. What about you two? You seem to be spending a lot of time together.” I wink at him.

  He shakes his head at me, smiling. “Yeah things are…. going well…I guess.” I sense his nervousness while he plays with the label on his bottle.

  “What is it Jen?” I throw my towel on the bar and lean in, giving him my full attention.

  He sighs, “It’s just…. I don’t know… it’s a little embarrassing….” He looks down at the bottle, not making eye contact with me.

  “Spill!”

 
“It’s just we haven’t…. you know…?” He raises his eyebrows at me, leaning in closer so no one around can hear. “We haven’t done it!”

  “Shit!” I laugh a little before composing myself, his discomfort obvious. “Sorry, I mean, is it you or him? Or both?”

  “Him mainly. I don’t think he has…. done it before. I kind of get the feeling he hasn’t done much before.” He looks over his shoulder, checking for Dec, breathing a sigh of relief. “He seems distracted most of the time, like constantly on his phone and when I question him; he kind of just brushes it off. All he wants to do is hang out here.” He looks down at his bottle before pulling it to his lips and takes another sip. “I get the feeling he isn’t comfortable being alone with me yet.”

  I gently place my hand on his, the rings on his fingers cold to the touch. “Listen to someone who – up until recently had done very little with one person. If it feels right, then go for it. You might be surprised. He could be thinking the same thing about you, so don’t hold back.”

  He gives me a crooked smile, raising his eyebrow at my statement. “And does Mr tall, dark and handsome feel right?”

  My cheeks redden a little and I feel the heat rising up my arms. “We are not talking about me!” I lean back on the bar.

  “Oh, we are now sweetie. Please tell me more about the wonderful Marcus who has given you such a glow.” He crosses his arms over his chest, waiting for my response.

  I look up from the floor, my heart instantly picking up pace. I’m oblivious to Jensen still standing at the bar and immediately stare into the green eyes standing behind him…. My lips dry from the thought of his on mine.

  I bite my lip a little when he smiles over at me, I can’t break the stare.

  “Oh, I see.” Jensen looks over his shoulder at Marcus standing there, a big smile on his face when he turns back to me and see’s my reaction.

  I watch Marcus dig his hand in his jean pockets; he looks up at me through that fucking gorgeous scruffy hair and I’m completely speechless; I think he just stole my voice. The black t-shirt clings tight to his skin; it also makes his eyes stand out more than usual.