Breathe

by Hazel Robinson

  I stare into his black eyes as he unbuttons the night-dress; he made me wear, each one bringing agonising fear.

  “Look at you! Sometimes I don’t know why I bother with you!” He curses me through his teeth. “You’re pathetic, Evvie. What happened to you?” His hand strokes the now tender cheek, his bitter attempt at being gentle.

  I move my head from his touch. “You! That’s what happened to me!” I spit in his face….and now I’m about to pay… I struggle once more to release myself from his hold, almost succeeding when he reaches into his pocket and digs out his flip knife.

  “You need to be taught a lesson, Evvie!” He wipes the spit from his face with the back of his hand and smiles at me.

  Opening the knife, he strokes the blade along my chest. I close my eyes and wait for the end as he traces under my breast, the cold metal barely touching my skin but enough for me to breathe heavily, hoping each breath would be my last.

  “It’s about time you learned some discipline.” He holds the knife against my neck. My family flashes before my eyes…. my lip quivers at the pain I have caused them. A black hole opens up and I can picture the sorrow on their face as they are told I’m dead…. murdered.

  I’ve never known real love, not had the chance to raise a family of my own, to love someone unconditional…. Never danced under the stars on a stormy night….

  I take a shaky breath, holding it tight. Waiting for the end.

  I wait for a long time.

  The blade still hovers over my skin.

  Even now at my final hour he has to torture me, still laughs in my face that he has full control.

  My body stops struggling and my arms go limp against his hold. All fight is gone…. I am an empty shell.

  He leans down, his cheek next to mine. “You are worthless, Evvie…. Always has been and always will be.” He whispers in my ear, the bitterness in his tone lingering. “Do you really think I would let you go that easily?”

  I let out a cry.

  He leans back laughing and then the burning pain sets my skin on fire… I cry out as the blade slices across my hip…. The pain too much…. it feels like he is cutting my insides out.

  I feel a weight being lifted off me.

  I turn my head to the side, my body still frozen where it lies. I watch through tear-filled eyes as he walked around the bed to the door. Closing the flip knife, he grabs the door handle and stands smirking at me for a moment before he shouts Daniel from down the hall.

  “Clean her up!” He slaps his brother on the shoulder and leaves the room.

  I wipe the tears from my eyes. “I wanted to die that night; I was ready…. but he just wanted to make sure I knew he could do it. He was making sure I knew that my life was in his control.”

  Marcus jumps up from the bed, sharply pulling his boxer shorts on, and runs his hands through his hair. I can see his anger, the veins popping out of his arms as he clenches his fists. I sit up on the bed, wrapping the sheets around me tight, pulling my legs close to my chest. A small sob escapes my lungs.

  He rushes over to me, pulling me into his arms as the tears run down my cheeks at the memory. In my darkest days, I dreamed of being held in this way.

  “After that night I gave up all hope of ever being free, things got a little easier…. I tried to keep on his good side, he found other ways to entertain himself… I just went to work and then each night went to bed alone. He was bitter and nasty towards me. It got to the point where I was just another one of the girls on the pole.”

  Marcus never spoke, he just gave me what I needed… someone to listen…...a caring shoulder to cry on.

  “I started to find myself again…. the control I had up on the stage…the men that bowed at my feet… It gave me strength. Drake could see it…. he couldn’t have me enjoying what he thought was a punishment….so after not going near me for nearly 6 months, his attention turned back to me.”

  I leaned up off his shoulder, wiping my tears away as I stare into his eyes. “I kept him at arm’s length as long as I could, played the game with him…. he stopped being so nasty towards me….”

  My hands shake.

  “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Evvie.” He takes my hand.

  “I wasn’t ashamed Marcus, that’s the problem…I fought back! Played him at his own game and I enjoyed it….”

  I stand up and walk to the window, the sheet wrapped tight around me, staring out to the black night…as black as my heart right now.

  “One night…. I lost…” I wrap my arms around myself and sob…. uncontrollably at first until warm, strong hands came around my waist, and he leans his head on mine, rocking me from side to side. The sobbing eases and I take a deep breath. “He…. I didn’t think he could be that cruel Marcus…. never imagined he would do the things he did…”

  “Sssshhhh.” His lips press against my ear. “Don’t say anymore.” He begs me softly, his arms tightening.

  “He raped me….” I cry out, dropping to the floor in his arms.

  “It was like the knife cutting again, only this time deeper…. that night he took the very last piece of me I held on to. Afterwards, he wouldn’t even look at me.”

  “Evvie, listen to me.” He takes hold of my chin, turning me to look at him. I can see his eyes glazed over with the thought of my pain. “He will never hurt you again! Not ever!” His lips gently touch mine, a tender kiss that lights me up inside…. Our lips linger and then his forehead rests on mine, his hands on either side of my cheeks. “I won’t ever let him near you.” A promise that runs deep to my heart…. a declaration of feelings…. It was everything I ever needed to hear.

  “Six weeks later Daniel had taken me to the hospital, I had been really sick for weeks…. I knew deep down what it was, I just didn’t want to admit it…. Drake didn’t like that I had been out of the house without his permission. I begged him not to touch me…pleaded he would leave me alone because I was sick, but it didn’t matter.” I wrap my arms around my middle, remembering the pain.

  “I tried to fight back…tried to protect us, but it was no good. In the end Daniel barged in the room and dragged him off me – Drake was furious and stormed out the house, speeding off out the gate.”

  Marcus looks at me, his eyes filled with sorrow. “Protect us?”

  “Daniel helped me to the train station and gave me enough money to disappear, but it was too late…. I ended up…”

  “That fucking animal!” Marcus’ fists clench together.

  I knew something was wrong the moment I got on the train, I just wanted to die inside as I sat on the train toilet floor, crammed in the tiny cubicle for the entire journey…I managed to clean myself up and get changed. “I never told Justin…. the night I knocked on his door, I couldn’t…. I couldn’t ever tell him.” I know it would have killed him inside if he ever knew, and I couldn’t let my own brother live my pain with me.

  “You won’t ever have to feel alone again.” He picks me up into his arms, holding me tight as he carries me back to the bed. Gently laying me down, he slides in next to me, pulling the sheets over us both.

  His hand caresses my cheek. “I never thought I would be able to tell anyone…. Thought I would have to keep it buried forever. You want to know why I put on the tough girl act?”

  “It’s not an act Evvie, right now you are the strongest person I’ve ever met.” He kisses my forehead.

  “Not behind closes doors… he still haunts every part of me.” I rest my hand on his chest, his heart beating angrily under my palm. I can feel he is fighting the urge to kill someone. “Something changed the night I met you.”

  He leans up on his elbow.

  “That night I slept here…it was the first night I didn’t see him in my dreams.” I know there is something between us, something more than either of us are ready to admit, I need him right now.

  “Evvie, I want to take all the pain… I won’t ever let anything bad happen to you.” I can see it in his eyes, right now he is the only thin
g stopping the demons catching up with me and deep down I know I’m falling for him. As each moment passes, I can feel a little more of me needing him.

  He pulls me into his arms, holding me close, and I feel my eyelids getting heavy. I want to cherish this moment forever, this safe feeling in his arms. I bury myself into his chest, slowly letting my eyes close.

  My eyes shoot open, I grab the sheet pulling it close around me as I sit up in bed, my heart hammering hard against my chest. Sweat beads across my forehead and my hands are clammy. I scramble fragments of my dream, piecing together what I try to forget, resting my hand across my stomach for a moment, looking down, the first recognition from deep inside of the pain. Something so pure created from darkness and pain is still pure, I still feel the loss just as much as anyone else. I take a deep breath, pushing the hurt back into its cage and throwing the key away, that’s my pain that no one else can share with me. The realisation on where I am kicks in, the space next to me empty and cold, I look around the room now brighter in the daylight.

  I stand up, pulling my shorts and vest top on and venture out of the room – slowly down the hall. Standing in the archway, I pull the scrunchie from my wrist and fasten my hair up in a bun, smiling as I watch him moving around the kitchen, the smell divine and instantly making my stomach growl in hunger. Leaning against the wall I stare – he is wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, clean showered, I can smell the citrus shower gel from here!

  There is something about a barefoot Marcus standing in front of the huge stove that makes my heart dance a little, his jeans just hanging on his hips, the muscles on his back….his perfect tanned skin….I bite my lip….hungry.

  “Morning.” I smile as he turns to look at me.

  He places two plates on the breakfast bar, full of bacon, eggs, sausages – the full works! It looks and smells just as luscious as he does. “Morning.” He shoots me a cheeky smile, pulling out a chair for me.

  I walk over to the chair, taking a seat. “This look delicious.”

  “I was going to bring it to you in bed but…”

  “It’s perfect, Marcus.” We share a look, a deep understanding look. After last night things changed between us, something shifted. So many wounds were opened, memories flooded back… my night was haunted by the torment of my past, or maybe it was because he wasn’t with me…I wasn’t wrapped in his arms safe from the monsters.

  I watch as he pours us both a coffee from the pot and takes a seat across from me, his eyes shifting between me and his plate of food.

  “You can act normal with me Marcus.” I place my hand on his across the table. “I won’t break, you know.”

  Our fingers entwine and the spark in his eyes glisten once more. He takes a long breath; I can see he is thinking what to say. I didn’t want this kind of awkwardness between us… I didn’t want my past to cause his sympathetic smile. I’m not a china doll that will break.

  “How do you do it, Evvie?” His thumb grazes my knuckles. “How do you carry on smiling after everything?”

  “What’s the alternative? Sit in the corner for the rest of my life, feeling sorry for myself?” I take another bite of the bacon, pushing the remainder of the food around the plate, my appetite suddenly fading. “It was two years ago Marcus, I cried and screamed, prayed for the pain to go. I was angry and bitter with the world and everyone in it; but slowly I moved past it, learned to push it to one side. And it worked until recently.”

  “Until you saw him?” He runs his hand along his chin.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Since then, it’s like…. I see him everywhere, standing right in front of me, smiling like that night. There have been strange things happening since…. I have this gut feeling.” It’s been there in my gut since that night, I know he is just waiting…watching for the right time to strike.

  “That’s what Justin spoke to me about last night – before we left the club, he told me he needed to check a few things out.” He picks up his coffee mug, taking a long slow sip.

  “I know he’s scared…. something spooked him yesterday while I was shopping. One minute he was fine, and then he freaked out. There is something he isn’t telling me…. what else did he say to you?”

  He pauses a moment – stuck between my brother’s word and me. “He told me to make sure you stayed here for a few days. He told me….”

  “Just spit it out.” I snap at him.

  “He told me that someone was watching us. That night in the alley? When security replayed the footage, someone was standing at the entrance to the alley watching us.” He stands up from his seat sharply, grabbing the plates and places them in the sink, turning to me he leans against the sink.

  “Are you fucking serious?” I shoot up from my seat pacing up and down biting my nails. “I knew he was hiding something!” I cover my mouth with my hand. Suddenly I can’t breathe properly, my heart rate speeding up. “I need to go.”

  I rush down the hall to the bedroom, rushing round trying to find my clothes, Marcus barges through the door behind me and grabs my arm. “Will you just stop a minute?” He yanks the bag off me, throwing it to the floor, and both hands hold my arms. “Evvie look at me.”

  “Marcus you don’t understand…” I try to pull away from him, but he holds me tight. “I have to leave.”

  “You are not leaving! I promised Justin I would keep you here…. safe.” He releases his hold, dropping his hands to his side. “Look, he said, it would be better if you stayed with me rather than at home…. he thinks it’s time you went to the police and to be honest he is fucking right Evvie! After what you told me last night…”

  “So, what my brother asked you to keep me locked up in the ivy tower and convince me to go to the police?” I clench my fists.

  He rubs his face. “It wasn’t like that Evvie don’t twist it. Look, it freaked him out. He is worried to fuck and wants to make sure you’re safe. I told him you could stay with me as long as you want… no one knows where you are except Justin.”

  “What about the club? And when you go to work – do you want me to just sit around here all day waiting for you to get home?” I press my hand on my hips.

  Fuck Drake and everyone else! I will not let that bastard scare me anymore, and I will not be locked up like a child again…. screw Justin for keeping it from me! The fucking pervert getting a kick out of standing in the shadows watching me…it turns my stomach.

  “So why lie to me last night? When I asked you what my brother wanted, you lied to me… you told me you weren’t keeping anything from me.”

  I drop on the bed, sitting on the edge as I calm my breathing. He walks over slowly bending down in front of me and grabs my hands. “Evvie I didn’t want you storming out of here in the middle of the night…. We had so much we needed to talk about. I just wanted to keep you safe. Can’t you see that’s what Justin is trying to do too?”

  “This is a fucked-up way to start a relationship Marcus.” I blush at my thoughts escaping my lips.

  A small smile appears on his face. “So, we are in a relationship then?”

  “No, I didn’t mean it like that… I meant…”

  He cuts me off. “I know what you meant…. I’m teasing you… trying to make you smile.”

  His finger runs along my lips, coaxing a smile from me.

  “Fine.” I give him a sarcastic look. “But I’m still going to kill Justin next time I see him – just don’t hide anything else from me, Marcus, this is my life… not yours, and not his.”

  He stands up. “Agreed on one condition.”

  I let out a breath. “And what is that?”

  “You stay here for the weekend.”

  I lean my head back, closing my eyes. “Fine!” I lift myself off the bed, walking to the other side of the room and pick my bag back up. “Now if you don’t mind, I could do with a shower.”

  He shakes his head opening the door and I brush past him, swaying my hips to the bathroom, holding the handle I look over my shoulder to him smiling.

&nb
sp; I stand in front of the bathroom mirror staring at my reflection for ages after my shower, replaying the moments before. I don’t want to be afraid anymore, tired of feeling so lonely. Last night felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, all the pain I carried round, no feeling bearable. I can understand why Marcus agreed with Justin…. After his admission about his sister it would be impossible not to, it just angers me that neither could be honest with me. They both felt I was too weak to handle it.

  I made a promise to Marcus earlier and deep down I didn’t want to leave, anyway. It’s the only piece of normal I have right now. I’m sick of living my life the way I was and if this thing with him leads to more… I hope deep down it leads to more. I just don’t want to be that damsel in distress he thinks he has to save.

  Running my fingers through my hair, I stare at the light brown roots that are staring to appear. When I left Drake, I coloured my hair – stupidly thinking it would make it harder to find me, like you see in the movies, a disguise. But now it seems like a comfort blanket, like part of me, the fire red a superhero cape, when it's bright I feel powerful but it’s not me…it’s not the girl I want to be, the person staring back at me in the mirror is still hiding, still scared to come out of the shadows.

  A deep sigh escapes my lungs, picking up my bag I unlock the door slowly and make my way to the living room, Marcus sits on the chair – he has turned it around to face the window. I can see he is deep in thought, his hand rubbing his chin, now wearing a crisp white t-shirt, his leg resting across the other. I smile a little, realising he still hasn’t put socks on.

  I place my bag on the floor and tiptoe over behind him, slowly covering his eyes with my hands. He takes hold of them and presses his lips against my skin. “I didn’t think you were ever getting out the shower.” He turns his head a little to look at me.

  “Got lost in thought.” I kiss his forehead and run my fingers through his hair. “Looked like you were lost in your own thoughts then?” I question him.