Breaking Hearts

by Melissa Shirley

  My laugh caught on a sob and I took another swig. “I did.”

  “Then what are you doing?”

  “Nobody likes a quitter.” He reached for the bottle, and I jerked it to the side. “Don’t touch my stuff, you naughty boy.” I pulled the whiskey back for another big gulp. “You would drink, too, if you knew.”

  “Why don’t you tell me then?”

  I wasn’t a drunken confession kind of girl. “Because.” There had to be more. I snapped one eye shut and focused on finishing the sentence. “Because we aren’t friends anymore.”

  “When did we stop being friends?”

  I nodded and puffed out my lower lip. “When you went out with Kelly, I didn’t want to be your friend anymore.” He used his hip to push me over on the chaise. After he settled in with an arm around my shoulders, I leaned my head against him. “You smell really good. You always did, but when you left me for Kelly…”

  He chuckled. “I don’t remember any of that.”

  I pulled a lungful of noisy air through clenched teeth. “Oh, I do. Not fun.”

  “Did I hurt you?”

  I shrugged the shoulder brushing against him. “Not like Sean hurt me.” A picture of angry Sean coming at me, fists ready, flashed through my mind. “He hit me. A lot.”

  “Why didn’t you leave him?”

  “I asked myself that so many times.” I took a long drink and handed the bottle to Simon. “The truth is, I don’t know. I should have. I should have taken Kieran and got the hell out of there the first time it happened, but I didn’t. I didn’t have anywhere to go.” I shook my head. “That isn’t true. I wanted someone to save me, to make it not my fault, and no one came, so I stayed. I did so many bad things before Kieran was born. I think part of me believed I deserved it.” I snapped my fingers and pointed at the whiskey settled in his lap. “But I should have left before he got to Kieran.”

  “I would have saved you, Dani.” He slid his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to his body. “I would kill him now for you if I thought it would bring you back to me or take away what’s been done to you.”

  “Remember when you asked me if he did this to me and I said I did it myself?” His hold tightened around me. “I know you don’t understand it, but it’s me, making these decisions all the time that lead me to places in my life…places where I…”

  “Get hurt?”

  I nodded. “But it’s my decision to be there. I walk into it.”

  “You can’t read the future. You didn’t know.”

  Sitting up, I glanced at him, then at the concrete patio. I held up my right hand showing my naked ring finger and frowned. My thumb was on the wrong side. I considered it for a minute, turning it from palm up to palm down, before pulling it back to my lap. “He wants me dead, and I can’t do anything about it. Simon, I only had one job--to protect my son from my husband--and I failed. For the rest of his life, my little boy is gonna have this awful memory of…” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t speak of the horror Kieran survived at Sean’s hands.

  “What happened to him, Dani?”

  My mind flashed on the moment I’d walked into the house, to the quiet whimper of pain coming from his dark bedroom closet. I blocked the sound ringing in my ears with another drink. “I am married, and the only guy I ever really wanted to spend my life with is staring at me right now like I let him down. I let people down. It’s who I am, and you’re the last person, besides my baby, I ever wanted to let down.” I swayed to the side, hugging the nearly empty bottle of forgetfulness, then took another drink as his gaze softened, his disappointment faded. Swallowing a painful gulp, I cleared my throat. “They might just be excuses to you, but it’s my real life. In a nutshell.” I shrugged. “More like a nuthouse.”

  “You didn’t let me down.” He brushed the hair from my face and gazed at me.

  My lie sat right there at the surface right alongside the number of times I had a chance to tell him and didn’t. I wanted to shout my truth at him, tell him the secret he deserved to know, the one that would destroy us and any chance I could ever hope to have with him.

  Instead, I turned to face away from him. “Well, you better get away now, because I will.”

  “You didn’t know Sean was like this.”

  I craned my neck to look at the always-forgiving Simon. “I married someone I didn’t know, and I stayed with him. I might not have known in the very beginning, but I think after my first broken rib, I should have gotten a clue he isn’t Prince Charming. Although I’m kind of slow, so maybe I can forgive myself.” I looked away, running my fingers through my bangs a few times before putting the bottle back to my lips to stop the babbling.

  “Some people aren’t meant to be parents. Like me. I just do things and hope I can deal with the consequences. I never realized how hard it is to put someone else first.” I looked at Simon, imagined him parenting Kieran. He would always be the only choice I ever had. No one else would ever measure up. “But you grew up doing that. You always put Joss first, and Keaton, and your mom. You’re gonna be a great dad, somebody a kid can look up to. But not me. What kind of mom who cares about her kid marries a stranger?”

  “I’ve been meaning to ask why you got married.” He said it quietly, as though he believed living together would have been a better option.

  “He was my replacement.” I shrugged, then brushed a hand down his cheek. “And you were my Simon.” Ah. What the hell. “You broke my heart, pal. You left me for Kelly Devlin. I know. She’s pretty and so-o-o sweet bees ask her for honey, but it was supposed to be us--you and me--in every dream I had, and every fantasy I could think up. Always us, together. Then one day--poof--you’re with Kelly.” I threw my arms into the air almost smacking his pretty face with the bottle.

  “I got out of here as fast as I could and who did I meet? Sean. Good old Sean. One-night-stand-in-a-limousine-Sean.” I looked down at the almost empty bottle and frowned. “When I ran into him again after you got shot, I thought fate must have stepped in. If fate had a plan…and if I couldn’t have you, then why not Sean? Maybe I earned a consolation prize or a… I don’t know. But he sold it like a used car--the happy family all tied up with a little silver bow.” This time I raised the correct hand holding up my Tiffany’s wedding ring about two sizes too small to come off my finger. With the other, I drained the rest of the amber-colored liquid, then hugged the bottle to me like an old comforting friend. “I wanted something I couldn’t have, so I grabbed the closest thing I could get.”

  “You know after I got shot”--his voice warmed me and I leaned into the sound--“I woke up thinking about you. I’ve dreamt of you every night since then. Almost three years of dreaming of you. Waking up without you every morning…” He raked his fingers through his hair.

  The accident had left him without memories past the very first time he asked me out. We’d had some good times over the years and another layer of sadness piled on top of the rest of my troubles.

  “You should talk to my mom. She’s probably got some secret shrink magic to make men not think about me. I figured she used it on you already.”

  “There’s nothing she could do to make me stop thinking of you.”

  “Hang in there. She’ll think of something. Probably patent it.”

  He smiled. “Always so clever.”

  I shrugged and wished I had some sort of magic power to refill my magic whiskey bottle.

  “I remember the day you and Keaton broke up. I asked him if he would mind if I asked you out.” He’d wandered down some sort of memory lane, and I had no inclination to take that journey with him. I tried to sit up, but he pulled me back to him.

  “You did ask me out. Then you blew me off for him and your sister.” He’d made up for it later…many, many times. My body warmed and I ran a finger down his arm.

  “I remember being with you, loving you, holding you, thinking I would never be able to live without you. I don’t have many true memori
es left, but I remember you.” As if to emphasize his point, he lowered his lids to a sexy half-mast-just-woke-up-gaze. “The first time you kissed me, at my mom’s Christmas party, you had on a white dress with fur at the collar. Do you remember?”

  I nodded. “You brought me upstairs to play video games. And you let me win.”

  He chuckled. “I didn’t let you win. I couldn’t concentrate on the game. All I could think about”--he ran his thumb over my lips--“was this mouth and how perfect it fit with mine.”

  If only he knew…later the same night, I’d fallen into bed with Keaton and ended up dating him. “It was a long time ago, Simon.”

  “Not for me, Dani. For me, that’s the moment I knew loving you wasn’t my choice. It’s my destiny, and I’ll do it for the rest of my life, no matter what happens between us. I will always wait for you.”

  “Yeah. You waited for me with Kelly. God, I wanted to hurt you so bad. I couldn’t think of anything else.” Our relationship did not need any more of my drunken admissions, but the words poured out. “I really did go to help Keaton. He was so broken. But boy did I want you to know where I was at. I wanted you all to think I’d made him my love slave.”

  I shook my head and tried to suck the last drops of whiskey from the bottom of the bottle. Nothing. “Still, no matter what I did, he would not give it up. I tried for a while. But he loved her so much. I watched him die a little bit every day. So, I did what any good friend would do. I talked him into trying to win her back. Somehow, he turned it all around and convinced me to come home to see you. I hauled my butt across two countries to find you playing kissy face with Lizette, the Amazon baker.” An admission like that deserved another drink. I pushed him off the chair and swayed to a half stance, holding onto the arm for support. When the world stopped spinning, I staggered to the door. I turned to face him and bumped into his chest. “I mean, logistically, how did it work? Isn’t she like seven foot tall?”

  He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back to the chair. “Six, and I’m still taller.” He used his thumb and forefinger to indicate the fraction of an inch he had on her.

  “Oh. Are you sure?”

  He had such a great laugh. “Yeah.”

  I leaned into him and closed my eyes. “You were the guy I always wanted, Simon.”

  Chapter 16

  For the next week, Simon, as my big protector, watched me drink every stashed and locked-up drop of alcohol I could get. Every night, he put me to bed, and when I awoke, we started the cycle all over again.

  “Why are you still here?”

  “I hate to miss a good pity party.” He shrugged his shoulders.

  “Well, gear up, big fella, because you’re in for a treat today. I found the key to my dad’s wine cellar, and I am holding a bottle of Chardonnay dying to be opened.” It took me three tries before I got the screw into the bottle’s neck, but finally, with a few quick twists and a determined pull, the cork hissed free with a quiet pop. The fine aroma of Italian grapes delighted my nasal passages.

  “I have a surprise for you.”

  “Oh, good. I love surprises. Can’t get enough of those.” I rolled my eyes and swayed backward.

  His body, close enough my back rubbed against his chest, prevented my fall. “I know. And I went all out for this one.” With a hand on each shoulder, he propelled me away from the counter.

  “Well, spectacular planning, then.” Over my shoulder, I toasted him with the bottle as he steered me through the kitchen. He opened the door and pushed me through. My mouth hanging open had a direct correlation to the rest of my appendages becoming useless and immobile. I blinked a couple of times, unsure of the message my eyes were sending my brain.

  “Hey, Dani.”

  Keaton. Had I really sank so low Simon felt he should bring Keaton in on this whole debacle? Of course, I had.

  He reached out a hand I ignored as I brushed past both of them. With a look at Simon, he shook his head. “I’m probably going to end up divorced over this.”

  “No, you won’t. I’ll handle Jocelyn. You handle this one.”

  Keaton nodded, then turned his entire body to face me. “Wow. You look frightening.”

  “Who asked you?” I weaved my way to a chair at the table and sat heavily as I flipped him off. “Keep your ‘pinions to yourself, Keats. I’m not drunk enough to not care what you think about me.” I took a big gulp and grinned. “Hang in there, though. It won’t be long.”

  “Have you been feeding her?” He ignored me and looked over at Simon.

  “She won’t eat. Just drinks herself to sleep.”

  “Obviously not a big fan of hair brushing, either.” His dry tone should have inspired some sort of reaction, yet I couldn’t produce more than a pointed finger in his direction. I looked down at my bottle and focused on the flavor of the wine as I swished it in my mouth. He put a hand on my shoulder. “Wanna talk about it?”

  “Nope.” I turned my body halfway, his stomach at my eye level. After a moment of searching, I found his face. “Why don’t you hate me, Keaton?” It was a question I had been dying to ask him since I returned home.

  He stroked the top of my head. “You saved my life.” He crouched down beside my chair, cupped my cheek in his hand. “And now it is time for me to return the favor. Give me the wine.”

  “No.”

  “Come on.”

  “Get your own, Keaton.” I pulled the bottle to my side, thinking I could keep it from him.

  With a smile, he wrestled it away and emptied the wine out on the cool concrete, then pulled a chair up next to mine as Simon stood back, arms crossed, and watched. “You wanna tell me about it?”

  “Yes, you moron. It was a three hundred dollar bottle of wine--semi-sweet with an oaky finish and just a hint of buttery tones…. And I really wanna smack you for pouring it out.”

  “Yeah. I remember that feeling.” He took my hand for a gentle squeeze. “I seem to recall you pouring three bottles of Jack Daniels down the drain.”

  I glared at him for a moment before a sob I didn’t expect bubbled up and out of my mouth. “I am not a good person. I’m a terrible friend, an awful mom. I didn’t protect my baby and now my parents had to take him away, because even here, in the fortress of solitude, I can’t keep Sean away from him.”

  He pulled my chair closer to his and threw an arm around my shoulders. “Dani, you got him out of there. You did protect him. You saved him from whatever worse things that bastard could have done to him.”

  “I don’t know if he’s ever going to smile again, or laugh. God, what have I done? He can’t ever be carefree again. He’ll always have that look from that memory of what Sean did.” Tears streamed down my face. “Of what I did.”

  Keaton brushed his palm along my cheek, then raked his fingers into my hair. “You didn’t do it, but you’re the only one who can undo it.” He petted me as though I belonged to the feline community rather than the human one. “You made him strong, Dani. You made him brave, and he’ll get through this.”

  My shoulders slumped. I couldn’t imagine a time where I’d ever believe his words.

  “Hey.” He tilted my chin up. “There is something magical about you. You slayed the dragon and he knows it.” He grinned and brushed away a stray tear from my cheek with his thumb. “You’re the super hero in his story. We should get you a cape, and some tights. Maybe a hair brush.”

  I half smiled, then frowned again. “I let him get hurt. A mother, a good mother, doesn’t do that.” I spun away from Keaton and came face to face with Simon. Walking toward the house seemed like a good idea. There was a whole cellar full of wine in there.

  “Well, you can’t help him like this, and you can’t beat Sean if you’re going to spend all your time too drunk to stand. Do you really want Kieran to grow up with a drunk for a mom?”

  When I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass, I let go of the doorknob and lifted a hand to smooth my hair, but my fingers
became tangled in a knot hours of conditioning wouldn’t remove. “Wow. I look bad.”

  “You look like you gave up.” Keaton came to stand beside me, arms crossed, head down. “You know, you have a lot of people here who will help you if you let them.” At my nod, he chuckled. “Now, go get cleaned up so the argument I’m going to have to suffer through with my wife isn’t all for nothing.” He grinned. “Besides, if I don’t quit pawing you, your boyfriend over there”--he nodded toward Simon--“is probably going to push me in the pool.”

  “I doubt that.”

  Keaton shook his head and moved closer. “You’re such a dumb girl.” He bumped his shoulder into mine, then reached out to prevent me from face planting into the concrete. “He couldn’t leave you, Dani.” He leaned closer. “You told me once you wanted someone to love you the way I love Joss. All you have to do is let him.”

  My smile caught on a sob.

  “And maybe take a shower.”

  “Shut up, Keaton.”

  He hugged me one more time. “You good?”

  I nodded.

  “No more drinking, okay? Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  “Good. Now, get cleaned up and give him a reason to stay.”

  After I showered, combed my hair, and brushed the stale wine taste from my mouth, I curled my hair, and picked out clean clothes. I’d lost a bit of weight, and they hung looser than they had a week earlier. Shit. Oh well. I could buy new clothes, but I could never replace Simon. And God knew I’d tried.

  I trudged slowly downstairs unsure how he would react to last week’s events, but I could almost stand up straight and not bob or weave into the walls. Maybe that would be enough.

  He stood in front of the stove with a spoon in one hand and a spatula in the other. Plates and bowls along with silverware gleamed under the lights over the counter. The flames from two tapered candles in crystal holders danced in the middle.

  “You look pretty.” He brought my hand to his lips before leading me to a stool.

  “You’re easy to please.” Thank God.