Unhinged

by Amanda Deed

  This sudden illness of Papa’s brought back painful memories of when Mama had passed. She had been sick with the dropsy for several years, but in the end, her heart failed completely. Just as now, the family had held vigil beside her bed, knowing they were sharing their last moments with her. Somewhere in the early hours of one morning, before the birds had started their morning call, Mama had stirred and opened her eyes. Strength came to her hands as she returned the clasp of their hold. ‘My dear, dear girls.’ Mama’s voice was as cracked and dry as her lips.

  Serena had reached for a glass of water, and with one hand behind Mama’s head, raised her a little to sip.

  ‘Thank you, my love.’

  She had knelt beside the bed, and Papa did the same. He placed one hand on Mama’s shoulder, and with the other, caressed the hair at her temples. ‘My darling. It is good to see you.’

  Mama had attempted a feeble smile, but then a hacking cough shook her body, taking her energy again. Her eyes closed.

  Serena and her sisters poured out their love while they had the chance. The girls spoke words of endearment and encouragement. Serena could not have been more proud of her family in the way they handled that tragic, but special time. Papa had continued to stroke her face and added his affection often. Mama occasionally nodded or mumbled her thanks, letting them know she heard everything.

  ‘Serena, my girl.’ Mama had drawn her attention with the barest of whispers.

  She had leaned down so her ear was near her mother’s mouth. ‘Yes, Mama?’

  ‘Take care of them. You are strong. You can do it.’ Her hand had fluttered up to find Serena’s cheek.

  ‘Yes, Mama,’ Serena swallowed, grief making a lump in her throat. Tears welled and dripped onto her mother’s pillow.

  ‘Good girl.’

  Mama’s eyes flicked open and sought Papa. ‘My dearest. Thank you for loving me all these years, even in my weakness. Don’t weep for me too long. You have a life to live. I’ll not expect you to mourn forever. Be happy, my love.’ She sighed and sunk back into the pillow. ‘Be happy.’

  Within moments they knew she was gone. One burden had lifted to be replaced with another. They suffered watching her deteriorate, but now they suffered from her loss and the sense of floating adrift, with no anchor on which to hold. The storm of grief tossed them to and fro, until they found their feet again. And for Papa, finding strength and hope had taken many years. Serena had been the one to care for her family, in the best way she could, as young as she had been.

  And now, the real possibility of living through that again threatened to overwhelm Serena. When her sisters were out of earshot, she succumbed to her own fear of losing Papa and what that would mean, and quietly sobbed into a pillow. She must not allow Julianne and Rachel to see how worried she was.

  Mercifully, in the early hours of the morning, Papa’s fever broke. The fact brought relief, but he would still have much recovery ahead of him. He slept deeply and for extended periods of time, with little energy to converse when he did wake.

  ‘You’re here,’ he murmured when he was lucid enough to recognise her.

  ‘Yes, Papa. Always.’ Serena smiled affectionately at him.

  He swallowed, with obvious difficulty. His throat must have been so dry. ‘But, I thought ...’

  ‘Hush.’ She held a cup to his lips, which he sipped gratefully. Serena held back a sigh of regret and disappointment, and forced another smile. ‘As it turns out, they didn’t need me as much as they thought.’

  Papa seemed to accept this and soon dropped back to sleep.

  Later that day, a knock reverberated through the house. Assuming it was the doctor come to check on Papa, Serena sent Julianne to the door. But when she returned to the bedroom, she shook her head. ‘Just a parcel from Aleron House, returned with the courier I sent yesterday.’

  ‘Oh,’ Serena nodded. ‘I suppose I left everything behind when I rushed out of there.’

  ‘Why did you leave in such a hurry if you weren’t running to our side?’

  She fidgeted with the lace trim on the bed quilt, and keeping her eyes lowered, shrugged her shoulders. ‘I cannot say, Julianne. Something happened, and I had to leave at a moment’s notice, but please do not ask more of me.’

  She lifted her head to find her sisters watching her. Clearly, they wanted more information. She could see the questions flashing across their faces. ‘It matters not, anyway. What matters is us, our family, and seeing Papa well again.’

  All eyes returned to her father. For now, she had successfully diverted their attention away from Edward King and Aleron House.

  Papa’s recovery was slow, and while he convalesced, Serena kept herself busy keeping house. As the weeks passed, it became clear that ongoing complications from the fever were here to stay. He often complained of pain in his knees and hands. He often became short of breath and succumbed to fits of coughing. Eventually the doctor pronounced that Papa suffered from the rheumatism. There was no guarantee he would ever fully recover and Serena worried over how he would continue to provide for the family. They needed her now more than ever.

  Serena tried to hide her fears as they spent many hours reminiscing over days gone by when they lived in the big house and Mama was still with them. So many happy memories, like buried treasure.

  Serena released a wistful sigh. Those days when she believed her dreams were a future reality, not just the fantastical imaginings of a child. And those dreams came crashing down when Mama died and then Papa despaired for so long, resulting in so much loss. But, she shouldn’t dwell on the past. She must focus on the present. A handsome, broody face popped into her mind. Especially not on possibilities with Edward. Only now mattered.

  With another sigh, Serena gathered empty teacups from around Papa’s chair in the parlour, and the half-empty pot of tea, long gone cold. It was time to clean dishes, and perhaps wash the linen, if the weather permitted. She shivered as she peered out the window. A fine mist of rain fell from heavy clouds. Perhaps she might hang a few small items in front of the stove and the fireplace.

  As Serena placed a tea cup on the tray, her eyes alighted on a discarded parcel in the corner. Oh, she had forgotten about that. The package the courier brought back from Aleron weeks ago. She had never thought to unpack her belongings amidst the trials with Papa. After taking the tray to the kitchen, she took the parcel to her bedroom, and placed it on the bed to open it. It was a large bundle, larger than she remembered come to think of it, and why they hadn’t put her things in her bag and sent that, she wasn’t sure. Serena untied the strings and pulled the brown paper away from the contents. She caught a folded letter as it slid from the pile of garments. Opening the folds, she at once recognised Edward’s hand, and recognised the scent of tobacco and cinnamon that must have been on his fingers. Her heart fluttered and her breath quickened. What had he to say to her?

  My dearest Serena,

  I wish to apologise most sincerely for the way I spoke to you last. My behaviour was reprehensible and unforgivable. You did not deserve to be sent away in such a harsh fashion. If I could justify myself, I would beg your forgiveness and ask you to return, but I shall not. I cannot. You have only ever shown me kindness, and I have repaid you with contempt and insult.

  So, all I shall do is offer this gift and release you from any obligation. You shall never hear from me again and your father can be at peace. I will not inform the police of his trespass. I hold you in too high esteem to put any further burden on you than I already have.

  Please accept this as a token of my earnest remorse and believe me when I say I love you with all my heart. I do solemnly wish things had ended better between us. One thing I ask of you, Serena—try to remember me with fondness, not as the beast you believe me to be.

  With all my heart,

  Edward King.

  A beast? She’d never thought of him as a
beast. As a poor, sick man, yes, but not as a monster. Serena swallowed back new tears. He’d let her go. Released her. Not that she really wanted that. Or did she? The conflicting emotions in her heart made it difficult to even know. She loved him and wanted to be near him, but, she wanted to escape at times, too. Wanted to lose the threat of her father’s incarceration plaguing her mind. Wanted that freedom to choose to be near him. Well, now the choice was available to her. But it was too late.

  Just before she refolded the letter, she noted a post script.

  P.S. If any adjustments to the garments are required, take them to Mr Broughton. I have covered any cost in advance.

  As realisation dawned, Serena put the note aside and shifted her own things to see his gift. She lifted the dress, shaking out the folds. This was the evening dress Edward commissioned for her. So much had happened since, she had forgotten that day. The blue silk stood out against her plain surroundings like a whitewashed building on a green hill. She would never have the occasion to wear something so grand now, but the gift still touched her. She pressed the fabric to her heart, closing her eyes against the pain that swelled.

  ‘Where did you get that?’

  Serena had not heard Julianne approach the doorway.

  ‘Mr King had it made for me.’

  Julianne came closer and took the dress, examining it in the light by the window. ‘Exquisite embroidery.’

  Serena shifted her gaze back to the package on her bed. There was more. The cape rested among her plain dresses. She brushed her hands over the soft beige velvet, warmth flooding her whole body, and not just from the pleasant texture of the fabric. ‘A pelisse as well.’ She lifted the mantle to hold it up for her sister, but something hard fell from between the folds and landed with a clunk on the floor.

  The sisters looked toward the floor with curiosity. Serena handed the velvet mantle to Rachel and leaned down to gather the mysterious item from the shadows beneath the hem of her skirts. As soon as her hand touched the hard surface, she knew what it was. Her hand trembled as she brought it into the light. A small frame. She swallowed and turned it over in her hand. ‘It is the miniature rose.’ She lifted her gaze to her sisters. ‘The one Papa tried to take.’

  29

  He’d given her the precious rose. More than the dress and pelisse, more than Edward’s words of endearment, more than his kisses, the rose meant much to Serena. The miniature painting, the reason she had been at Aleron in the first place, the symbol of everything that had passed between them, was in her hands. It now belonged to her. Edward loved her! It wasn’t and had never been a mild flirtation, a symptom of his illness. He actually loved her enough to let go of something precious. Indeed, he’d even released her and her father of their debt.

  Serena pressed the tiny painting to her chest as tears of wonder slid down her cheeks. Wonder mixed with sadness for something that could never be. If only she’d known, understood, before she’d left.

  ‘Why, what is wrong, Serena?’ Rachel’s wide eyes turned to her.

  Serena attempted a soft laugh, brushing the moisture from her face. ‘Nothing, dear. Mr King’s gifts have touched me. That is all.’ She would not concern them with her own troubles at this moment. One day, when she had healed, she would tell them. But not now. ‘I must show Papa.’ Serena brushed past her sisters, still holding the dress and pelisse and hurried to the parlour.

  ‘See, Papa.’ She held out the miniature. ‘Mr King has seen fit to give me the rose after all.’

  Her father took the painting, turning the small frame in his hands and releasing a long, slow breath. ‘Well, I’ll be. I never thought he had a generous side.’

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong, Papa. He has always been generous. But he didn’t appreciate the presumption upon his kindness.’

  Papa studied her for a time. ‘Well, he had an unusual way of showing it.’

  ‘I’ll not argue with you on that score. But Mr King is not the ogre we judged him to be. Far from it in fact.’

  Again, he watched her. This time, however, his only response was a ‘humph.’

  It wasn’t until later in the evening, while the girls tidied up the kitchen and washed dishes, that he brought their conversation back to Aleron.

  ‘You care for him, don’t you?’

  ‘Who, Papa?’ Serena feigned ignorance as she tucked his blankets about him for the night. But she well knew to whom he referred.

  ‘Edward King.’

  ‘Mr King?’ She shook her head and tried to appear astonished at the suggestion. ‘Why ever should I?’ Despite her denials, Serena knew the heat in her face betrayed her. She avoided his gaze and pretended to smooth her skirt, picking at an imaginary crumb.

  Papa rubbed his chin. ‘You could do worse, I suppose.’

  ‘There is no supposing, Papa.’ Serena pressed her lips together. ‘Even if I were to hold him in affection, the fact is that I was sent away and released. Do you think if Mr King cared for me, he would have dismissed me?’ Even though that is exactly what he did. He’d released her. If she ever returned to Aleron, it would be by choice, not by a request from him or a demand from the family.

  ‘I guess not,’ he shrugged. ‘If that is true, then I am sorry.’

  ‘Oh, do not be sorry for me, Papa.’ Serena forced a brave smile. ‘You have enough to worry about without me adding to it. And I don’t want you to worry about me. Or the girls. We are old enough to find employment and look after you if needed.’

  ‘That may be true, but you are also old enough to marry and look after your own families, except for Rachel perhaps.’ He rubbed his face again.

  Serena leaned forward to pat him on the knee. ‘But Julianne is the only one who has even met a man, so stop counting troubles before they’ve beset you. Right now, we are here and we are together.

  ‘You’re a good girl, Serena.’ He covered her hand with his and gave it a squeeze. ‘It is still a shame that Mr King did not find you desirable as a wife.’

  Oh, but he did, Papa. He did. She bit on her lip. Dare she admit to the truth?

  ‘Papa?’ She gulped.

  ‘Yes, lass?’

  ‘Wh...what if he did? Want me as a wife, I mean?’

  Papa stared hard at her for a long moment, then his shoulders relaxed. ‘So, I was right. Was I also correct in the assumption that you care for Mr King, too?’

  She chewed her lip again. ‘Perhaps.’

  ‘Did he ask for your hand?’

  ‘Well ... yes. I know he didn’t come and ask for your permission first. It was very spontaneous, but yes, he proposed.’

  ‘And you said no?’

  Serena flung her hands in the air. ‘How could I say yes? I was not sure of his sincerity.’

  ‘But now you are?’ He eyed her.

  ‘Yes, I believe he was indeed sincere.’ Her voice sounded small in her ears. ‘But, Papa, he is, by all accounts, mentally unsound. I couldn’t possibly marry him.’

  ‘I see.’ Papa’s face was grim.

  ‘What do you mean, “I see”?’

  Papa fingered the edge of the blanket for several long moments. ‘Would you really deny a man love because of an illness?’

  Serena opened her mouth, but had no real response to offer.

  ‘Did you stop loving your mother and walk away when she suffered dropsy all those years?’

  Serena stared hard at her father. ‘No Papa. I would never have abandoned her.’

  ‘Will you stop loving and caring for me, now I have the rheumatism? Do you want to leave me?’

  She twisted her fingers together. ‘No. Of course not.’

  ‘But you would do that to Mr King? Perhaps you do not love him after all.’ Papa closed his eyes then, signalling the end of the conversation and moments later, deep breaths lifted his chest. He was asleep.

  But it wasn’t me who l
eft. Edward had told her to leave. It was different.

  But it wasn’t. She hadn’t exactly fought him on the issue, or stayed despite his words. Papa was right. She had deserted Edward in his hour of need. Serena had heard the wedding vows that couples spoke often enough. In sickness and in health. Did sickness only mean physical and passing illnesses? No. A proper commitment meant one stayed through the worst of circumstances. True love was unconditional, unbiased and all-encompassing.

  Serena dropped her head into her hands. I’ve been such a fool. She sat and pondered her father’s words for a long time before rising from the chair beside him. With a brief touch of her hand to Papa’s smooth cheek, she turned and took the painting to her room. She stowed the garments in her trunk with a tender smile, then placed the precious miniature next to her bed where she could see it always. Letting out a cleansing breath, she whispered, ‘I shall do as you ask, Edward. I shall always remember you with fondness.’ She planted a kiss on the tiny frame and straightened, a crease forming between her brows.

  The similarity between what she had just done and what her whole family had done years ago with Mama struck her. No, it couldn’t be. Edward did not express that kind of goodbye, surely. Or did he? Too many mournful thoughts fuelled her imagination. It was merely a considerate goodbye so her memories of him wouldn’t be tainted and sour. That’s all.

  But, as Serena busied herself over the next few days, the thought niggled. Whether walking to the noisy market, hanging washing in the sunshine, kneading the dough, or making beds, the doubt refused to leave her alone. What if Edward planned to end his life? Should she make a trip to Aleron to check on him? But she would look foolish if she were wrong. Quite foolish. It was probably a silly worry, anyway. Surely it was.

  But what if it wasn’t?

  What if her gut feeling was correct? After all, he had almost leapt from that cliff weeks ago, and threatened to walk into the ocean. At the cliffs he had been in a different frame of mind. Elated. Not despairing as of late. In desperation, would he do something similar? Dear God, please don’t let him do something terrible.