“You’ve lost it. If we’re going down this road, just tell me who he is. Just get it over with so I can walk away.”
“No matter what I tell you now, it doesn’t matter. You’ll think I cheated. It’s obvious we’re already done, Ev. Just go.” Evan stands in front of me, looking shocked, looking pained. And I have no desire to fix it. I’m a horrible person.
“Whatever, I’m outta here,” Evan says, walking towards the door, grabbing his coat from the closet. His eyes are dark. Fury is plastered across his face, and I know I should tell him the truth. But, I won’t. No way in hell.
“Fine, go,” I say, “but, take this with you.” I tear off down the hall to my bedroom, grab the camera and thrust it into his hands. His eyes widen. He’s shocked and hurt, and right now I’m satisfied with making him feel that way. I fight dirty.
“What the fuck? This is your camera, Kate, you need it for your business.”
“There is no business, Evan. I don’t want a goddamn photography business. You’re just pushing me to do it so you can feel better about being with me. Well, to hell with you and that piece of shit camera. I don’t need either of you. Get the hell out of my apartment.” I’ve never let Evan see this side of me, but my encounter with Angeline and his discovery of my lies are building up inside, so much that I’m erupting like a volcano, and once I erupt, there’s no going back. None.
Evan stands in front of me, dumbfounded and beaten down. He looks down at the camera and looks back up at me.
“So this is it?” he asks, grabbing the doorknob.
“If you want it to be,” I challenge him.
“Don’t say that! I already told you I’m fighting for you. You’re the one pushing me away. Just tell me where the fuck you were!”
“I went to see my parents!” I scream, the words flying out of my mouth. I can’t take anymore. “But, you don’t have to believe that. You can think whatever you want,” I say, the tears spilling from my eyes. The floodgates are open, my heart has been exposed and I’m now doing a complete turnaround. Just moments ago, I was pushing him out the door, now I’m ready to beg him to stay.
“You mean the parents you refuse to introduce me to?”
“I told you, that’s about them, not you. I love you, Ev,” I say, wanting so badly for him to wrap me in his arms and forgive me. But, I stay glued to the floor. I can’t go to him. I can’t even walk the two steps it would take to be within his reach. I just can’t do it.
“I don’t know if I believe you,” Evan says, shrugging, wiping a tear from his eye.
“It’s the truth. I went to see them, and I had a horrible fight with my mother. I took it out on you. I didn’t mean to do that, but I did it anyway.”
He’s silent for a long time and my heart begins to race. I can’t believe how stupid I was, pushing him away when he’s the only thing in my life that makes any sense.
“Is that supposed to be an apology? You practically pushed me out of your life because you had a bad day?” he spits the words, glaring at me.
“I’m sorry,” I reply sheepishly, the tears flowing down my cheeks. Stealing small glances at Evan, I continue to stare at the shag carpet beneath my feet. I’m such a coward.
“We’re never gonna make it if you do shit like this. You have to know that,” Evan pleads.
“Do you believe me?” I ask, desperation filling my voice.
“I’m not sure,” Evan responds, his voice softening.
“I swear it, I didn’t cheat on you. I never have,” I say, shaking my head at the thought of being with anyone but him. The anger in his eyes abates slightly, and I feel hopeful for the first time all day. Feeling somewhat brave, I look up into Evan’s eyes and hold his stare for longer than two seconds. But, my body betrays me as tears spill once again.
Evan’s brow relaxes and he walks towards me, scooping me in his arms and crumpling me into his chest. I can finally breathe again as I melt into his embrace, his sweater absorbing my tears. I almost ruined us. I almost pushed Evan out of my life. The thought alone makes me sick. Evan lets out deep breaths as he runs his fingers through my hair. I can’t lose him. I can’t.
Chapter 11
Evan
July 18, 2009
“Ev, what are you doing?” Kate asks from the barstool next to mine. I’m so pissed. I can’t even look her in the eye. Focusing on my beer, I spin it again and again, attempting to push down the anger I’m feeling. God, she pisses me off. Never has anyone had this much control over my emotions. I hate it.
“Kate, just walk away, all right? Just walk away,” I warn her, raising my voice.
“Fine, whatever. Spin your damn beer bottle.” Kate hops off the stool, slamming her glass on the wood bar.
It’s after closing at Molly’s. All the tables have been wiped down, the floor has been swept and I’m ready to go home. I finish the rest of my beer and slide off of my seat. Kate is in the back room with Bree. I’m sure she’s talking about it. Whatever. Without so much as a glance, I walk out of the bar, hearing Kate call my name. I don’t turn around. I can’t deal with her now. I need to get home. She hasn’t pissed me off this badly in a very long time, maybe ever. I don’t want to have it out with her, afraid I’ll throw a glass or punch a wall and then I’ll have Vince to deal with.
As usual, there are strangers in my apartment tonight. Patrick and his girlfriend, Chloe, are having another party. I like Chloe, well — I kind of like Chloe. She hasn’t exactly tried to influence Patrick’s spending habits in a positive way, mostly because she was raised with money just like he was. He spoils her rotten and she loves it; in fact, she’s come to expect it. She’s superficial and always smiling — a trait Kate despises to her core. Chloe’s sunny and chipper every single day and it’s hard for either of us to imagine being like that. Kate and I both wear our hearts on our sleeves, good or bad. But, Chloe makes Patrick happy. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to be around them. They have constant parties, spending hundreds of dollars in one evening. They have no idea how long it takes me to earn the kind of money they blow on a whim. It’s not their job to worry about where my next paycheck is going to come from. I get that; I’m not a martyr. But, frankly, they don’t seem to care at all and that burns, especially on nights like this when I’m already pissed off.
“Hey, man,” Patrick says from the couch, raising his beer in the air.
“Evan, you’re here.” Chloe grins widely, sitting on his lap, bobbing her head slightly to the pop music booming from the speakers.
“Come have a drink with us,” she says, gesturing for me to take a seat, but I can’t. I have no desire to be around others at the moment. I just want the solitude of my room. No Kate, no drunken roommate or his perpetually happy girlfriend . . . just me and my shitty ass thoughts.
Patrick furrows his brow. He knows something’s up. I storm past them and walk straight to my bedroom. Slamming the bedroom door behind me, I sit on the bed, hanging my head in my hands and fighting the anger building in my gut. What the hell am I doing to do?
Walking to my closet, I begin taking off my work clothes, determined to sleep this off. I’ll do better dealing with Kate if I have a clear head in the morning. Throwing my polo shirt and jeans into the plastic laundry bin, I turn to take a fresh t-shirt out of the drawer, just as there’s a knock at the door.
“Ev, can I come in?” Kate asks softly. Taking a deep breath, I walk to the door and open it slightly. Kate sighs, knowing she’s not being invited in.
“Ev, c’mon. It’s not what you think. Honestly.”
“I really don’t want to talk right now. I’m pissed and I’m exhausted. Just go home. I’ll call you a cab.” Kate pushes on the door and walks into my room, perching herself on my bed.
“No, we need to talk about this.” I’m shocked at how direct she’s being. I guess that’s what happens when she’s scared. Usually I’m the one who pushes her to talk, but this is quite the role reversal. Holding back a sarcastic laugh, I glower at my gorgeous girlfriend as she cr
osses her arms in front of her chest. As angry as I am, I want her. Badly.
“So, talk,” I say, bitterness hovering in those simple words. Kate inhales deeply, tipping her head to the side in an effort to soften me. But, it won’t work. Not this time. “He’s just a friend,” she continues.
“Bullshit,” I snap, shaking my head, my hands balling into fists. The sinister part of me is breaking through and the urge to punch something is building inside my gut.
“It’s the truth. I told you, I broke my pattern with you,” she insists.
“But, you didn’t. You cheated on Shawn with me,” I say, slamming an open drawer of my dresser. “Why should I be any different? That dude was undressing you with his eyes and you were all the fuck over him.”
“All over him? You’re overreacting. I swear, if you weren’t a guy, I’d think you were on the rag,” she says snidely.
“Not funny, Kate. You really need to go. I’m fucking mad and you’re digging your hole deeper with the snide comments. I’m about ready to throw you out. So, start talking or I will pick your ass up and drag you outta here.” My eyes pierce into hers. I’ve had it.
“Okay, okay,” she says, raising her arms up by her head. “His name is Dave, and he was in my photography class last semester. I hadn’t seen him in a while so we were catching up. There, now you know everything.” She crosses her arms in front of her and looks at me expectantly. When I say nothing in response, she continues, her tone softening, “I’m not interested in him, Ev. Seriously, what’s the big deal? I talked with him for only a few minutes. What exactly did I do to get you so wound up?”
“You put your hand on his shoulder a bunch of times,” I reply. “I’ve never seen you do that before.” Kate’s eyes flash. She gets it.
“I did?” she asks defensively, but I can tell she’s searching her memory for the offending gesture. Her eyes widen in realization.
“Yes, you did. And it was like a knife through my fucking chest,” I say, looking deeply into her hazel eyes. “You did it right in front of me, throwing your head back in laughter at every single thing he said. It was like you were trying to piss me off. But, I was on the clock, so there was nothing I could do about it since he was a customer. So, I just stood there, getting more and more pissed at you, and you didn’t even notice until the asshole left the bar.”
“I didn’t mean anything by it, I promise you.” She looks at me with pleading eyes. “I guess I’m just comfortable with him since I used to see him in class all the time. It was late and I’d had a couple of beers. Bree and I were hanging out, waiting for you to finish your shift. He made me laugh and I guess . . . ” her voice tapers off.
She knows she screwed up. “Shit, Ev, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t trying to piss you off. Please believe me,” she says, standing up and walking my way. She stands in front of me and runs her fingers through my hair. I close my eyes and sigh. Not ready to let go of my anger, but finding my resolve weakening. When she touches me, everything changes.
“Do you wanna know what I think?” I ask. She looks at me like she’s not sure she wants to know, but she nods slowly. “I think you’re planning for this to be over. You’re expecting us to fall apart, and so you’re keeping your options open,” I say, looking her square in the eye, knowing my words will sting. Since I graduated a couple months ago and started interviewing with marketing firms downtown, there has been underlying tension between us. Kate is taking her course work slowly so that she can work full time and support herself. And with me taking the next step in building a career, I know she’s afraid of what it’ll do to us.
“That’s ridiculous,” she replies, rolling her eyes before looking at the floor. Confrontational Kate has left the building. This is the Kate I know, the one who can’t look me in the eye when she’s upset.
“Things will be different. We both know that. But, I’m not going anywhere. So, stop sabotaging this, Kate. I can’t take it,” I say, pushing her hair away from her face. Her cheeks are pink and her lips are pursed tightly. Her eyes begin to moisten as she covers her mouth with the back of her delicate hand. I take her hand and pull it to my lips, placing a soft kiss on her skin. She sighs loudly and a tear rolls down her cheek.
“I’m scared,” she says, looking into my eyes, pleading for reassurance.
“Don’t be. I’m here . . . right in front of you. Stop pushing me away . . . or eventually I’ll go.” Kate looks frightened with these words. I feel bad that I’m scaring her, but she needs to know this shit isn’t going to work for me.
“You’re not going to work at Molly’s anymore. I’ll hardly see you and you’ll be surrounded by all these corporate girls. You’ll be with them every single day. You’ll take meetings with them, eat meals with them after working late at the office and I’ll be stuck at the bar. I’m not going to fit into your world anymore, Ev.” She’s finally opening up. Thank God.
“Fit into my world? Sweets, you are my world. You know that.” She gives me a half smile and looks into my eyes briefly before breaking eye contact. “Besides, you know I’ll still be at Molly’s all the time. I’ll be the stalker boyfriend who sits at the bar waiting for you to finish your shift. Giving other guys shit if they try to hit on you.” I laugh, attempting to make her smile. It doesn’t work.
“You left me tonight, Ev. And I didn’t do anything wrong.” I raise an eyebrow and she shrugs before continuing, “Okay, so I was a little insensitive. But, you still don’t trust me. What happens if you’ve had a shit day and you come to the bar looking for a fight? Without trust, that’ll destroy us over time. I just know it.”
“Okay, but you need to believe in me, and to have faith in yourself. I’m not leaving you behind, Kate. We’re in this together. Seriously,” I say, pulling her into me. She clutches my skin. It’s slightly painful and comforting at the same time . . . much like our relationship.
“Hey,” she says, leaning back, looking me up and down, and stopping at my pecs. “I just realized that you’re almost naked.”
“Wow, I guess I’d better hit the gym. I’m standing here in nothing but my boxers, and you didn’t even notice?” I say, shaking my head playfully. Kate laughs for the first time before pulling me towards her aggressively.
“I love you,” she says softly as she leans in close. I can smell the peppermint on her breath and I want nothing more than to drink her in as much as I can.
“And you know I love you,” I say, stroking her hair, pulling her deeper into my arms. Slowly, walking her to my computer desk, Kate sits down on the solid oak, tugging playfully on my boxer shorts.
“On the desk?” I ask, intrigued.
“Why not?” Kate asks, laughing seductively as she slowly tugs her shirt over her head. She releases the elastic from her hair and her thick, dark hair spills over her shoulders. She’s wearing her black bra with white polka dots, one of my favorites. I wonder if I’ll find the matching panties under her jeans.
Resting my fingers between the straps of her bra and her shoulders, I tease her by pulling gently as slowly as possible, tickling her skin as I go. Kate squirms slightly, but leans into my touch. Her fingers tug once again on the elastic of my boxer shorts, bringing me closer to her. Sliding one strap all the way down, her bra hangs down slightly as I cup her breast gently. The other strap calls to me and I pull on that one as well. Overwhelmed by how sexy Kate looks with both straps lying across her upper arms, I can’t help but smile as I look at her.
“What?” she asks, a curious look on her face.
“I’m just admiring you.”
Kate gives me an incredulous look, like she’s embarrassed or something. She’s always been confident, but right now she seems to have absolutely no idea how stunning she is — how every single thing about her drives me crazy. I want to tear the rest of her clothes off and lose myself in her.
When we’re together, it’s madness in the best possible way. It’s the finale of a freaking fireworks show every single time. We can’t get enough; it’s fu
rious and passionate and out of control. But, I know tonight needs to be savored. Tonight, I need to reassure her of how much I love her. She’s so much more to me than just frantic sex. Tonight, I need to exercise control to make this special, to make it different than any other experience we’ve ever had.
Gazing into her eyes, I stroke her cheek with my fingertips, tracing the lines of her cheekbones and chin. My fingers continue to explore the curves of her body, starting with her shoulders, I make my way to her back and finally her hips. Kate lets out a slight shiver as my fingers tickle her skin. Slowly, I unzip her jeans and push the rigid fabric towards the floor. Kate steps out of one pant leg, then the other. A satisfied smirk crosses my lips as I see she is, in fact, wearing the matching polka dot panties. I leer at the woman who affects me like no one else ever has. And I suspect, in a way no one else ever will.
Tracing her lips with my tongue, I wait for her to invite me in. Slowly and deliberately, she opens her mouth, and our tongues glide together smoothly. She feels amazing. Kate grasps my hair in both of her hands and pulls me close, wrapping her legs around my backside. She tugs on the hair in her hands and I wince, enjoying her sudden aggressive nature. I pull away briefly; just long enough to give her a sly smile before taking her mouth into mine once again. Our kisses are gentle, at first, but gradually become more demanding. I need her, I want her, I have to have her. Now.
Kate moans into my ear as I begin to make love to her. Her ass is still perched upon my desk as her legs grip me tightly. Pushing into her tenderly, she says my name again and again, knowing that it drives me wild, knowing that I will increase my pace, giving into the demands of her body against mine. She nibbles on my earlobe, making me groan with excitement. Steadying myself by grabbing her ass tightly, my fingers dig in.
Kate pushes everything off of my desk, and lies back on the wood, pulling me on top of her. Gripping the sides of the desk, I slide into her once again, possessing her and loving her with all that I am. With each thrust, I can feel Kate’s arousal building. She’s close and I need to feel her come apart beneath me. My knees are digging into the harsh wood, but I don’t care. Kate moans my name as her orgasm rips through her, her fingernails digging into my shoulders, piercing the skin. I fall apart, experiencing incredible pleasure and pain all at the same time.
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