And then, I do what I said I would never do, what I make fun of other girls for doing: I throw up on the train and Evan holds my hair. He really does love me.
Chapter 13
Evan
April 19, 2010
“Good evening, my name is Beth and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with a cocktail?”
“Yes, that’d be great, Beth. I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist. And the lady will have a dirty martini,” I order as Kate raises an eyebrow. Our waitress nods and walks to the bar.
“It never gets old,” she says with a smirk.
“What’s that, sweets?” I ask, looking over my dinner menu.
“You ordering for both of us. I like it. I didn’t really think I would, but it’s nice.”
“I should know your favorite drink by now.” I shrug, like it’s no big deal, but deep down I know Kate is revealing a little more about herself to me. She’s like a puzzle that I slowly get to piece together over time. I feel so close to having a completed picture of her, but for whatever reason, I always feel like I may never find all the pieces I need. Kate’s been off lately and I can’t put my finger on it. I really wish I could. Whenever I bring up her photography, she gets defensive and shuts down. And it completely throws me off. It messes with my head. But, I can’t help myself. I want her to be successful. I want her to shine like I know she can. Yet, she seems satisfied to stay in the background. I just don’t get it. I keep hoping that one day when we’re married . . .
“Ev, where’d you go? You’re like a million miles away,” Kate says, looking perplexed. Her eyes look lonely and I feel guilty for spacing on her.
“Sorry, I was just thinking about work,” I lie. Kate has no idea that I’ve been thinking about proposing. Sure, we talk about our future all the time, and she happily wears the promise ring I gave her. We’ve even joked about what our children would be like. But, we’ve never talked about actual plans to settle down. But, I know that I want nothing more than to be with her for the rest of my life. In my mind, it’s just a matter of when I’ll pop the question. But, first I have to break the news I’ve been avoiding all day.
“What’s going on at work?” Kate inquires. Here I go . . .
“Well, I found out they’re sending me on my first business trip.”
“Oh,” Kate sighs. I know she must be disappointed. But, then she seems to wipe the frown from her face and asks, “For how long?”
“Well, I leave in a few weeks, and I’ll be gone for about 10 days. I’m sure it’ll go by quickly.” I’m waiting for her to get upset, to look defeated, but she doesn’t. And it’s confusing.
“Okay. I guess a little break could be good for us,” Kate says, taking a sip of her drink, avoiding eye contact.
“Good for us?” Lifting a single brow, I lean in closer. “What do you mean?” I ask, surprised by her reaction and trying to sound calm, even though I’m irritated as hell. After all, she might just be doing her best to be supportive. But, then why does my gut feel like something’s off once again?
“I don’t know, I mean, we’ve been fighting a lot lately. They say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ or something like that, right?” Kate says, stirring her drink with her tiny straw.
“Yeah, I guess they do.” I exhale loudly. Just then, our waitress returns and takes our dinner order. Silence takes up space at our dinner party. It’s our new companion, making us uncomfortable, stifling our conversation and threatening to ruin our meal.
“Of course I’ll miss you, Ev. I’m just trying to be supportive,” Kate asserts. The natural glow of Kate’s eyes is missing from this conversation. Is she doing her best to hide her sadness? Or has the fire gone out? Desperately, I want to light a flame, to bring back that spark that makes her Kate. My Kate.
I don’t want to think about the tension lingering in the air or Kate’s lack of concern about my trip. Instead, my eyes drift to the shirt that Kate’s wearing underneath the sweater I gave her for Christmas. Of course she’d call it something else like a tank or a camisole or whatever. But, to me, it’s a lacy shirt that barely covers her breasts. It looks silky and I want to touch it. And then I want to touch her. I want to take her hand and lead her to the banquet room upstairs, close the door and press her up against the wall.
“Ev, what the hell is going on?” Kate looks annoyed. This is the second time she’s caught me spacing out on her during this meal. Definitely not my finest moment.
“Sorry,” I say defensively, raising my arms up in front of me. “I guess I have a lot on my mind. Look, after we eat, let’s go back to your place and watch a movie or something. You pick, all right?” I want to make peace. I want things to blow over.
“I actually promised Bree I’d stop by Molly’s for a little bit.”
“Seriously? Don’t you see Bree all the time? You work together almost every night.”
“She’s going through a hard time right now with Jon and needs someone to talk to. You can drop me there and I’ll meet you at your place later tonight,” Kate suggests as she begins to rummage absentmindedly through her purse. I feel like I’m being tuned out.
“No, that’s fine. I’ll have a beer or something and watch whatever game Vince has playing. No big deal.” I shrug my shoulders. “Hey, my mom wanted me to tell you that she loved the gift you sent. You’ll be getting a card in the mail, I’m sure.” I force a smile.
“I’m so glad she liked it.”
“She loves it. She loves all of the photos you’ve given her. I swear, she’s got a shrine to you in her office.”
“That warms my heart.”
“I’m telling you, sweets, you could make a killing with your photos.”
“Not this again. Ev, please—”
“What? I just want you to be successful and happy. Photography makes you happy. You have no idea how much you glow after you’re spent an afternoon outside with your camera. It’s amazing.”
“But, you don’t get it. If I try to sell my work, then the joy is stripped of it. I’m not going to feel satisfied after an afternoon like that. Instead, I’ll feel stressed and worried because my client might not be impressed.”
“Excuses are like assholes, Kate. Seriously,” I say, tilting my head to the side, looking smug. I can really be a dick sometimes.
“Nice, Ev.” Kate says, shaking her head in disbelief. She knows I can be an ass; it’s something she’s accepted about me. Neither of us is perfect.
“Look, I’ve tried the nice route. I’ve tried explaining just how incredibly talented you are. I’ve tried showing you how much others love your work. But, nothing sinks in. You just keep telling yourself that you’re not good enough. But, guess what: you are. Forgive me for wanting you to see that,” I say, slamming my fork down on the table. Kate won’t look at me and I feel like a total prick.
One hour later, after an hour of awkward conversation, we arrive at Molly’s Tavern. The place is starting to feel foreign to me. I don’t feel as comfortable as I once did inside these walls. I suddenly feel old compared to the other college aged patrons, and I notice little things like the smell of stale beer hovering in the air, or the slight stickiness of the floor from spilled drinks. All in all, it no longer feels like home. And I wonder if Kate can sense this in me. She doesn’t get it. No matter how foreign this place might feel, she’ll always be my home.
I sit at my favorite spot at the bar, hoping I’ll start to feel more comfortable here. Kate heads to the back room to look for Bree. Vince is behind the counter and seems happy to see me. I was a good employee and I know he was sad to see me leave. He was always complaining about how hard it is to find trustworthy college kids to work here. He nods as he walks to my end of the bar, sliding a bowl of peanuts my way and pouring me a glass of my favorite draft.
“Thanks, man.”
“Good seeing you, buddy. How’s the exciting world of marketing?” Vince asks, wiping down the counter.
“It’s different, that’s
for sure,” I concede. “I’m working really long hours, but I enjoy it. I really enjoy it.”
“Well, they’re lucky to have you,” Vince asserts. “You were one of the best kids I ever had working here. If it weren’t for your girlfriend and her crazy-ass best friend, I’d be in trouble. The rest of my employees are worthless. Can’t depend on any of them.”
“I’m glad Kate is still helping you out,” I lie. I want her to leave Molly’s and focus on her passion. But, her feet are firmly planted within the confines of these walls.
“She’s a gem, for chrissake. But, lately she seems distracted, like she can’t wait to get outta here and it makes me nervous. She’s not planning to quit, is she?” Vince has always been a really direct guy. Thank God I don’t have any bad news for him.
“Not that I know of, Vince.” I say reassuringly.
“Phew,” he says, wiping his brow. “Thanks, buddy. I was getting nervous.”
“Not a problem,” I reply. Glancing away from Vince, I see that Kate has returned from the back room. But, she’s not alone. She’s talking to a tall guy, whose back is to me, so I can’t see his face. But, I see hers and she’s not happy. The jealous part of me wants to storm over there and confront the asshole. And I’m about two seconds away from giving that side of me permission. But, I decide to hold back and observe for a moment. Kate hasn’t noticed that I’m watching and I want to study her as much as possible while she’s oblivious to my prying eyes.
Her cheeks are growing red and I can tell whoever this guy is, he’s pissing her off. But, why? Is he hitting on her? Does she want him to leave her the hell alone? Or has my worst nightmare come true? Maybe she’s seeing this guy on the side. Maybe that’s why she wanted to come back here. Not to see Bree, but to see him. And maybe that’s why she suggested that I drop her here. My thoughts are spiraling as every single one of my suspicions spins into another. I’m out of control and I really need to see this guy’s face before I smash it in.
Kate notices my eyes on her and she gestures to me. The guy turns his head and I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
Shawn.
Her ex.
The guy she left for me.
What the fuck is going on?
My entire body tenses up and I’m ready to hurt someone. My palms sweat and I ball them into fists before hopping off my barstool and walking towards my girlfriend and the loser I thought she dumped almost three years ago. As I approach, Shawn starts to laugh, which only pisses me off more.
“Something funny, dickhead?” I ask harshly. My hands rest near my jeans and even though I look calm, I’m anything but. My clenched fists are begging for a reason to attack.
“Evan, stop it.” I feel Kate’s hand rest against my bicep and it feels like a warning, like she’s telling me not to step any closer to the intruder standing in front of me. She knows exactly what’s going through my head. “He was just leaving. Shawn, it’s time for you to go,” Kate snaps.
“Whatever you say, sweetheart,” Shawn says, giving me a smug grin as he lightly touches Kate’s arm. I want to punch him, but I feel Kate’s hand on my chest, pushing me away. My eyes widen in shock. If she’s protecting him, where the hell do her loyalties lie? With him? Shawn winks at Kate before walking towards the door. He turns back to look at us once more before walking out the door. Kate looks overwhelmed and slightly guilty and the look on her face crushes me. This can’t be happening.
“Do you mind telling me what that was all about?” I demand.
“It was nothing,” she says dismissively as she brushes past me. I grab her and glare at her, forcing her to return the eye contact. She breathes in deeply before speaking, “He came by here to bother me. I told him to leave and that’s when you saw us. That’s it, Evan, I promise.”
“No, that’s not it. There’s more to it. You two broke up years ago, Kate. Why the hell is he showing up here now? What aren’t you telling me?” I demand. None of this is adding up, none of it.
“Ev, calm down, you’re making a scene,” Kate snaps, dragging me by the arm. She pulls me outside the bar, throws her jacket on and cups my cheeks in her hands. I resist the urge to push her hands away. I want to hear her out. I need to. “I still work here, ya know. You can’t act like that, not where I work.”
“Fine, sorry, whatever. Now, tell me what the hell he was doing here. I’m losing my patience, Kate. Things have been different lately. You’ve been weird.” I fling my hands towards the bar. “Is this why? Is he the reason why you’ve been pulling away?”
“Pulling away? Are you crazy? I’m just trying to be supportive of your new life. I’m trying desperately not to lose you!” she screams before covering her mouth with her hand, closing her eyes tightly. She’s holding back tears.
“Sweets,” My demeanor softens a little as I see how much pain she’s in. “Talk to me,” I say firmly, enunciating each syllable. Kate looks at me with soft, moist eyes. When she looks at me like that, I lose my determination to stay pissed. She has such power over me, it’s ridiculous. Kate doesn’t cry often and when she does, it breaks me in two. Something is different about this fight. Something is different about Kate. The thought alone runs chills down my spine.
“I don’t know why he keeps coming around. I really don’t, Ev. He keeps telling me that he misses me and he wants me back. He’s working in Evanston now at a restaurant a few blocks away. He stopped in one night. I guess he was curious to see if I was there. And now he comes by constantly. I ask him to go, but he won’t.” My brain is all messed up and I have no idea what to believe. I keep trying to look into her eyes, to find the answer I’m looking for. But, Kate won’t look at me. She keeps staring down at our feet, looking guilty.
“Why haven’t you talked to me? Or Vince? You know Vince would kick his ass out, you just need to say the word.”
“I just keep hoping he’ll give up and move on,” she says, looking at the sidewalk. “Can we please go home now, Ev? I just want this awful night to be over.” Her eyes are pleading with me to drop it. I wrap my arm around her and we walk to the car in silence.
I want to believe her so badly, that nothing is going on and that Shawn is as unwelcome to Kate as he is to me. But, something in the pit of my stomach tells me this is the beginning of the end.
Chapter 14
Kate
May 29, 2010
Maybe my mother is right about me. Maybe I am a terrible investment, and Evan’s made the horrible mistake of investing himself in me. Maybe I’m nothing but a self-saboteur who pushes away anything good that comes along in my life. Evan’s been in Sacramento for eight excruciating days. If I was ever curious about what life would be like without him, I now have my answer and I hope to never feel like this again. But, I might not have a choice anymore.
For months, I’ve been a royal pain in the ass. Evan’s been patient and charming, he’s been supportive and encouraging, he’s been himself. He’s tried to get me to take myself seriously with my photography and all I do is reject any ideas he has, acting like I have no interest in pursuing a career in the one passion I’ve ever really had. The truth is, I want nothing more than to get the hell out of Molly’s and start my business, to make a living off of the photos I take. Do I want to shoot weddings and bar mitzvahs? Not exactly. But, I would love to do freelance work, to sell my pictures to magazines. The point is: I’m too chicken shit to start it. Afraid of failure. Afraid of my mother being absolutely right about her screw up of a daughter. I’m starting to believe her. And the idea of Evan seeing me the way she sees me terrifies me to my very core.
The night Evan saw me talking with Shawn was the icing on the proverbial fucked up cake that is my life. Deep down, I know Evan’s right about how I’ve been acting. I’ve been keeping my options open because I’m terrified of losing him, of having him drift away from me. Or of him meeting some stunning ad executive who rocks his world in a way I never could. I’ve never been good enough for Evan, and the direction his life is taking will inevitab
ly not include me in it. Deep down, I know this. It’s just a matter of time before he looks at his life with me and realizes it’s not what he wants, that I’m not what he wants. And so, when Shawn kept stopping by the bar, it was an ego boost — I’m not gonna lie. Yes, it makes me a terrible person because I really don’t care about Shawn at all. Those feelings disappeared practically the moment Evan walked into Molly’s. But, that insecure part of me doesn’t want to be left. I want to do the leaving.
But, that night in the bar with Shawn everything changed. I saw the hurt in Evan’s eyes, and knowing I was the source of that hurt was gut wrenching. It almost destroyed me. I knew I didn’t reassure him enough that night because the guilt I felt was overwhelming. I knew if I looked him in the eye, he’d know. He’d know why it all happened that way, why Shawn was there and why I acted the way I did. And he’d know he was right, that I was doing exactly what he thought I was doing — preparing for our inevitable demise — and keeping my options open. Like the cheater I am.
And now, I sit here several hours after having another awkward conversation with the man who owns every bit of my heart, dreading that I now have to pick my heart up off the floor, dust it off and go to Molly’s for another Saturday night shift. Evan said he’ll be home on Monday morning and I’m scared to death to see him. I’m not ready for us to be over, but I’m not sure I’m capable of convincing him of just how much I love him. And if I can’t do that, I’m afraid he might leave me. And not just the way he left me at the bar months ago when I was flirting with Dave. But, really leave me; walk out of my life and never turn back. That is my biggest nightmare.
“You look like death,” Bree says to me the moment I walk into the backroom of Molly’s.
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