Beneath the Scars

by Joan Fennell Carringer

  The next time. Marna couldn’t suppress the excitement running through her. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. You know, it’s still early. Would you like to come in for some coffee?”

  “I thought you’d never ask.” He opened the door for her, then waited as she entered first. “It sure is quiet.”

  “Taryn’s probably in her room, or else in the office. She stays there most of the time. There’s no telling where Sharris is. She doesn’t stay home much.”

  He followed her to the kitchen. “Sit down and I’ll fix the coffee.” He grinned. “I like to show off my culinary skills, and since making coffee is the only one I have, well……” He laughed.

  So did she. Sitting down by the table, she watched him, thinking how easy it would be to keep doing that very thing for the rest of her life. For once, she didn’t immediately stop her thoughts. It didn’t hurt to dream every once in a while, did it?

  He chatted as he worked, about trivial things. Wasn’t the weather perfect lately? It had been a long time since he’d been swimming. Did she like to swim? His grandfather had a lot more pictures he wanted her to see. Would she like to come over soon and go through the old trunk where they were stored?

  Her answer to every question he asked was yes. Yes, she loved the warm weather and she would love to go swimming with him sometime. It was one of her favorite things to do. Yes, she couldn’t wait to see more pictures.

  It wasn’t until he placed two cups of coffee on the table and sat down next to her that she realized she hadn’t thought about her scars one time the entire evening. She didn’t remember even one person looking at her with shock, surprise or disgust. For the first time in a long time, maybe the entire three years since the accident, she had felt as beautiful as any other woman.

  As the time passed like minutes, she totally forgot everything but the wonder of being with Devon. When he started to leave, she was sure he was taking her heart with him. They stood at the door for a long, silent moment as he kept looking at her and smiling. Could he possibly be feeling the same as her?

  Very unexpectedly, he reached out and pulled her into his arms.

  Her heart felt as if it was going to jump out of her chest as she returned the embrace. For a long time, they stood there like that, before he pulled back a little and started to lower his face toward hers. She shivered. He was going to kiss her! Oh, God, he was going to…….

  He stopped abruptly, looked away and removed his arms from around her. “I guess I’d better be going. Thanks for the wonderful evening, Marna.”

  Then he was gone, leaving her with a very sad ache where sheer bliss had been just moments before.

  ∞ TWENTY ∞

  DEVON DROVE around for a long time after he left Marna, his insides churning and his thoughts racing a mile a minute. It had been such a wonderful and perfect evening. Why did he have to ruin everything by trying to kiss her? He’d wanted to kiss her and he knew she wanted him to, but then he’d pulled away – and ran. Yes, he’d ran. Like a scared rabbit. What was wrong with him? What must she be thinking?

  He told himself it didn’t matter what she thought, that it was the best thing he could’ve done. He didn’t need to lead her on to believe there could ever be more than friendship between them. It would hurt her a lot less to end it sooner rather than later.

  But why did he feel it had to end at all? Why was he so confused about how he really felt about her? Was it because of her scars? Somehow, he didn’t think so. He hardly noticed them anymore. So what was it that kept leading him toward her and then kept driving him away from her?

  Conrad was sitting by the table, reading his Bible, when Devon finally went home again. Devon sat down across from him, gave a huge sigh and then didn’t say anything at all.

  Conrad looked down at the Bible again and started reading slowly but clearly. “In the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge until these calamities be overpast.”

  Devon looked at him quizzically.

  “Whatever’s bothering you, He’ll take care of it,” Conrad said. “So, was your evening that good or that bad?”

  “Where’s Mom?”

  “She went out for a while, then came back and said she was exhausted and went to her room. I’d say she’s asleep by now.”

  “I need to talk to you, Pops, and I don’t want her hearing what I have to say.”

  Conrad met his grandson’s eyes and waited for him to continue.

  “I had the best time with Marna tonight.” He went on to describe the events of the evening.

  Conrad grinned. “Now that Suzi sounds like a little girl after my own heart. That’s what you need in your life, son, a little girl.”

  “I need a wife before I think of having a little girl.”

  “I don’t see where that would be a problem.”

  “I can’t get married until I fall in love. I never loved anyone after Rachel. You remember Rachel?”

  Conrad shook his head.

  “We were young but we were really in love. I thought the sun rose and set with her and she felt the same way about me. It hurt me deeply when all her feelings for me just stopped. It was a very long time before I got over her.”

  “But you did get over her, and you’ve grown into a fine young man since then. You’ll find love again. You’re still young, you know.”

  “Pops……”

  Conrad waited.

  “I’m very confused right now. I have really deep feelings – for Marna.”

  Conrad grinned broadly, but said nothing.

  “But I keep fighting them.”

  “Why? She’s a wonderful girl.”

  “Maybe that’s part of the reason. I’m afraid I’ll hurt her and she’s been hurt enough. I don’t know if I can – if I can ever really see beneath those scars and…”

  Conrad interrupted. “Devon Marks, you’re not making any sense. When you care for someone, you see them differently than others do. Whether that person is the most beautiful woman in the world or the ugliest, through the eyes of love, she is perfect.”

  Devon swallowed, but didn’t reply.

  “If the scars are all you see when you look at her, then you’re not falling in love with her.”

  Devon met Conrad’s eyes. “They aren’t all I see. Most of the time, I don’t even notice them. I love being with her. I love talking to her. Her laughter is like music to my ears. I hurt inside when something touches her heart and tears well in her eyes. I think of her almost all the time. When I took Sharris to dinner, I kept wishing I was with Marna instead, and when I see Sharris and Marna together, to me, Marna is by far the most beautiful. But then, for some reason that I hate, I find myself seeing – the scars again.” He stopped, waiting for Conrad to say something but his grandfather remained silent.

  “I almost kissed her this evening,” Devon went on. “I wanted to, and I know she wanted me to, but I stopped and pulled away. I know I hurt her. I don’t want to hurt her. I want to be with her, but I’m afraid if I keep seeing her or keep taking her out…..”

  He stopped and there was a long moment of silence before Conrad spoke. “What are you afraid will happen if you keep seeing her?”

  “That she’ll fall hard for me and I’ll suddenly discover my feelings for her aren’t love at all, that they might be pity instead. I’ll break her heart. She’s had enough pain in her life.”

  “If you care that much about her feelings, it sounds a lot like love to me. Why don’t you stop fighting it and see what happens?”

  “Oh, Pops, I’m so confused. When I’m with her, I feel good inside. I feel happy and excited, and I have all the normal desires to hold her and kiss her. But I don’t get all those tingly emotions I remember having with Rachel.”

  “You’re no longer sixteen years old. Hormones rage the loudest when you’re very young and everything’s new and exciting – not to mention, forbidden.”

  Devon sighed. “I’ve dated a lot of girls since Rachel. I never felt anything more than – forgive
me, Pops – but I never felt anything more than lust when I was with them. There wasn’t one that I even considered I might fall in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with.”

  “So, how exactly, do you feel about Marna? You said you’re happy when you’re with her, that she excites you and you want to kiss her. What do you call those emotions, son? You didn’t mention that you want to jump in bed with her, so they don’t sound like lust. It sounds more like true caring. But I can’t say whether or not it’s love. Only you can know that.”

  “Maybe I don’t really know what love is. Maybe it wasn’t love I felt with Rachel either. Maybe I’m incapable of falling in love.”

  “I don’t believe that, but one thing I do believe in is prayer. Pray about it. Ask for the Lord’s guidance.”

  “But what if His guidance isn’t what I want?”

  “It doesn’t matter. It’ll still be what’s right, whether it’s what you want or not. There have been lots of times in my life when I thought God wasn’t answering my prayers the right way. I found out later, although sometimes I never found out at all, that things always worked out better when I gave them over to Him and waited for his answer. The times I didn’t find out, well, those might have been the most important and best answers of all.”

  Devon smiled. “How did you get so wise?”

  “I’ve always heard wisdom increases with age, so I must be filled to the brim with it by now.” Conrad grinned.

  Devon stood up, leaned over and kissed his grandfather’s forehead. “Thank you for listening. I think I’ll go have a long talk with the Lord now.”

  “Good-night, son. I’ll be praying, too.”

  Neither of them had any idea that Reeka had been standing in the kitchen doorway, listening to their entire conversation. Very quietly, she went to her room.

  He couldn’t fall in love with Marna Cord. That couldn’t be God’s will, that He would allow him to even think of spending the rest of his life with someone that was so disfigured. Her son was handsome and wonderful and he deserved better than that.

  She had to do something to stop it from happening. But what?

  He said he was confused about his feelings. Why couldn’t he be confused about feelings for Sharris, instead of Marna? Sharris would be so perfect for him. Then again, Reeka knew nothing about any of the Cord sisters, other than the fact that Marna was ugly, Taryn was overweight and Sharris was beautiful.

  But they weren’t the only women in the world. All he needed was someone else to show a real true interest in him to get his mind off Marna.

  How could he even imagine he could be falling in love with her?

  Lying in bed later, as she again went over in her mind the conversation between Devon and Conrad, the answer came to her. It was as plain as the nose on her face. She sat up with a smile and nearly laughed aloud. Why hadn’t she thought of it before? She knew exactly what to do.

  ∞ TWENTY-ONE ∞

  MARNA AWAKENED with a start, sweating profusely. It happened again. Why now, when she was certain the terrible dreams had stopped, had they suddenly come back? She was at home again with her parents. They’d just finished watching their favorite show on TV. They were talking and laughing and joking, and then they kissed each other good night and went to bed. They’d barely had time to go to sleep when there was a loud, thunderous noise that shook the entire house. Suddenly flames were everywhere. She couldn’t see as she tried to grope her way out of her room, screaming for her mother and dad.

  She sat up with a jerk, breathing deeply and trying to still her racing heart. It wasn’t happening, she told herself. It was over. She was safe. Her words did nothing to ease the pain inside her. Nor did they stop the tears that started falling down her cheeks.

  She turned on her small bedside lamp. The light that flooded the room was reassuring and she felt the panic slowly beginning to go away.

  “Oh, thank you, God,” she whispered, “for the light of Your love that overcomes all fear. Watch over my sisters and me. Take care of us, Lord. And, please, would you give Mom and Dad a special blessing in heaven right now?”

  Instead of lying back down, she found herself sliding out of bed and falling to her knees. She needed to pray more than she needed anything else in her life at that moment. Afterward, she fell into a peaceful sleep and never awakened until the sun was streaming through her window the next morning.

  Her sisters were apparently sleeping in because Marna finished her coffee, along with a bowl of cereal, and they still didn’t appear in the kitchen. When they still weren’t up after she was finished with her shower and dressed, she peeked into their rooms to be sure they were all right. Sound asleep, just as she thought.

  She decided to go next door and check on Josie. She wished she had some sweet rolls or something to take over, but there wasn’t a thing in the kitchen. She’d have to be sure to fix something and take it over later.

  Josie’s sister Margaret answered the door. Marna and Devon had met her the night before when they’d brought Suzi home.

  Marna smiled. “I just wanted to check and see if everything’s okay. How’s she feeling this morning? Do you need anything?”

  Margaret smiled. “You’re very thoughtful, Marna. Everything seems to be fine. It’ll stay that way if I can just keep that little sister of mine down for a few days.”

  Josie’s voice came from the living room. “I don’t have time to stay down long. Come in for a minute, Marna.”

  Marna peeked into the other room and smiled at Josie, sitting in the recliner with her leg elevated. “You look much too comfortable, you know. Maybe I should take a picture to give Ottie, so he won’t worry about you.” She started to pull out her phone.

  Josie laughed and put her hands over her face. “You can just tell him. I don’t want anybody seeing me like this. My hair’s a mess. I’m in my pajamas, and my ankle feels like it’s big enough to make the rest of me look like a pipsqueak.”

  They laughed together as Marna sat down on the sofa. It wasn’t long until she was telling Josie all the details of the dinner with Suzi and how impressed both she and Devon were with her friendliness and good manners.

  “Speaking of Devon,” Josie said, her eyes sparkling, “you two look good together. Are you in love?”

  Marna looked down. If only……Quickly, she raised her eyes again and smiled. “We’re good friends.”

  “That’s how it usually starts. Ted and I were best friends before we ever fell in love. As a matter of fact, it took us both by surprise when it actually happened.”

  Margaret interrupted the conversation to ask if anyone wanted coffee. Josie did, but Marna declined, saying she’d had her morning quota before she came over.

  Suzi ran into the room just then and gave Marna a big hug. “Marna! I’m so glad you came over. Is Devon here, too?”

  First, Josie assumed they were a couple. Now Suzi? “No. Just me.”

  “Well, that’s okay. He’ll probably be back soon. Hey, do you think we could fix those tires on your bike and go for a little ride?”

  Marna grinned. “I don’t see why not.”

  “Can we do it now? I can’t wait to see what kind of bikes you used to ride when you were little.”

  Everyone laughed.

  Marna stood up. “Do you need anything at all, Josie?”

  “Just that coffee that Margaret’s bringing. Thanks so much for coming over.”

  Suzi grabbed Marna’s hand and pulled her toward the door. Laughing together, they went outside and crossed the two driveways separating their houses, then walked to the storage shed in Marna’s back yard. Marna unlocked the door and they went inside.

  “Oh, look at those beautiful bikes!” Suzi gasped. “Wow! Red, white and blue. Marna, you can still ride, can’t you? I mean, you aren’t too old, are you?”

  “I’m not too old, if the tires aren’t too old to hold some air. Now where is that pump?” She glanced around, then walked through the entire building, looking in every corn
er, followed by Suzi every step of the way.

  An unexpected voice surprised her and she jumped. “You could use that air compressor over there.”

  “Devon!” Suzi cried, running to him and hugging him the same as she’d done Marna a few minutes earlier. “I knew you’d come. I’ll bet you know how to air up those tires. Can you ride? Will you ride with us? I don’t think Marna’s sisters will care if you borrow one of the bikes.”

  Devon laughed, as Marna’s heartrate soared. Never in a million years would she have expected him to show up just then. “So what brings you here?” she asked. She didn’t care what the reason was. She was just glad he was there, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

  “I was on my way into town and thought I’d stop in and check on Josie, and this little squirt.” He put his arm around Suzi, hugged her and then let go.

  She laughed. “Mommy’s doing great. And guess what? Daddy’s coming home! He wasn’t supposed to get home for another week, but when he found out Mommy was hurt, he said he was coming anyway. He’ll be here tonight. I can hardly wait! You can meet him. He’s such a good daddy! He looks kind of like you, Devon. He’s real tall and has dark hair and eyes. I’ll bet you two can be friends. He’s real friendly.”

  As Suzi rattled on, Marna and Devon looked at each other and smiled. Then Devon plugged in the compressor and started airing up the bicycle tires, even as Suzi continued talking.

  “So, are you gonna ride with us?” Suzi finally asked him.

  “Well, I aired up the tires on all the bikes, so I don’t see why not. Do you need any air in yours, while I’m at it?”

  “Oh, no. My bike is new. I just got it for Christmas, so none of the tires are flat yet. I’m gonna run over and get it now. I’ll be right back.”

  When Suzi left, everything became suddenly very quiet. Marna looked at her bicycle, the red one, then ran her hands over it. She laughed, more to end the sudden silence than anything. “I’ve had a lot of good times on this bike. Mom and Dad bought them for us when Taryn was fourteen. Sharris was twelve and I was nine. We used to ride everywhere, even when we got older and all of us had our driver’s license. The neighbors started calling us the three patriots, because of the colors. What fun we had! All these hills didn’t bother us at all.” She paused for a moment, then continued in a softer voice. “Because they were in the shed a good ways from the house, they survived the fire. Still, after it happened, we – never had the heart to ride anymore.” She turned away, acutely reminded not only of the tragedy but of the dream she’d had the night before.