by Jenna Kernan
* * *
His tall figure disappeared into the night. He’d been around so much, done so much for her, for Lily, for Molly—all because he felt guilty! He felt guilty about his brother’s death and needed atonement…or redemption. But to marry her! What was he thinking?
It hurt worse because he’d made her believe—as much as she’d tried to deny it—that maybe it wasn’t her fault Josh had been unhappy, that maybe it was something inside him—not her. Garrett had made her hope—and made her feel beautiful. She’d wanted to say yes, right then and there, despite what had happened with Josh. She’d wanted to try again. Wanted to know what love from a man, given freely, would be like. With Garrett she’d thought she knew. He’d made her feel special.
She entered Molly’s house.
“Mama?” Lily called from her room. “Come tell me a story.”
Her pasted-on smile wobbled precariously. “In a minute, sweetie.” In the kitchen she filled the enamel basin with water from the pitcher and splashed it on her face. If she were lucky the coldness would numb her feelings as well as her skin.
It was no use at all. Hot tears squeezed through her closed lids. She pressed a towel to her face, and then heard Molly in the hall.
“Is that cowboy stayin’ this time?” Molly asked, coming into the kitchen. She stopped short when she got a look at Kathleen’s face. “Oh, my. What happened?”
She swiped once more with the towel before draping it over the back of the chair. She couldn’t answer, just shook her head, her thoughts and emotions a chaotic jumble inside.
Molly pulled out the chair. “Sit on down and I’ll get supper going. You can peel.” And with that she handed Kathleen a paring knife and set a ceramic bowl filled with potatoes in front of her.
The mundane task calmed her some. Lily came back in and set the table, her gaze frequently shifting to her mother.
“Can we decorate the tree tonight?”
Molly glanced at Kathleen. “I don’t think so. It’s late. We’ll have an earlier supper tomorrow and get it done. There are still a few days before Christmas.”
“Can we at least make the popcorn?”
Kathleen put down the knife and gathered Lily close. She kissed her on the forehead. “Of course we can. And string it, too. That way it will be all ready for the tree.”
“Maybe Uncle Garrett can come tomorrow.”
“I think he’s busy,” she hedged.
“But you’ll ask him?”
Kathleen didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to lie to Lily.
Molly bustled over and took the bowl of potatoes. “I’ll just set these to boiling. Lily, why don’t you go play for a while. I’ll call you when the food is ready.”
With Lily out of the room, Molly turned to Kathleen. “Now, I don’t know what happened, and it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but it seems strange to me and probably even stranger to Lily that you are so close to tears. You’re probably scaring her.”
“I know. It’s just…” She let out a sigh.
Molly crossed her arms over her ample chest. “You got a good half hour before we’re ready to eat.”
“Garrett said something…about the night before Josh died.”
“Umm. I was busy tending to Beaudry then, but I recollect some of the things happening in town.”
“Josh was upset. I don’t remember what it was about, but he shouted at me and Garrett overheard. After Josh left, Garrett stopped in to make sure I was all right.”
Molly raised a brow. Waited.
“Josh didn’t strike me, if that’s what you are thinking. He wasn’t like that.”
“A body can strike with things other than their fist. Words hurt, too. It was good of Garrett to check on you.”
Kathleen nodded slightly. “After that, Garrett followed Josh into town. He found him in the saloon, drinking. They…got into a fight. A bad one, because Josh didn’t come home. It was his last night and he didn’t come home.” Her voice trembled. “I thought it was me—my fault, all these years, but it was…”
Molly sat down in the chair opposite her. “Did he tell you what the fight was about?”
“He didn’t like the way Josh had been treating me.”
“Garrett holds things in…sometimes for a long time before he acts. Something must have been building inside him for quite a while to let it out in a public place like the saloon.”
“Josh probably had a gigantic headache that next morning. Even though he knew how to handle dynamite, he shouldn’t have been anywhere near it.”
Molly sat back in her chair. “Garrett sure has been feeling a lot of guilt all these years. I had no idea.”
Kathleen stood suddenly, unable to be still, unable to make her thoughts even the slightest bit coherent. “Don’t you see? He’s been doing all this—the outhouse, the wood, all the visits to make sure we were okay, even the tree—out of guilt!”
“Now you’re supposing a lot.”
“It’s true! Otherwise, why would he take it further? Why would he ask me to marry him?”
Molly raised her brows. “Well, now. It could be that he loves you.”
“But how can I believe it?” She squeezed shut her eyes. “I want to. I…I love him…but if that fight hadn’t happened, Josh might still be alive. How can I marry the man who sent Josh to his grave? How can I?”
“Now, you know that’s not so. It’s no more Garrett’s fault than it is yours.”
“Somewhere inside I understand that, I just don’t see how we can ever be together. There’s too much between us for it to ever be right.”
Molly stood, walked over to her and pulled Kathleen into her arms. “You sure have had your share of heartbreak in your young life. Can’t you just take some happiness? If he loves you and you love him…”
She took a deep breath and swiped the tears from her eyes. As much as she wanted to give in and tell Garrett yes, she had Lily to think about. None of this would be good for her daughter. Lily might come to hate her should she learn her mother married the man who beat up her father—and ultimately had a hand in his death. “I…can’t.”
* * *
“You sure about this?” Paul asked, his voice hesitant.
Garrett stuffed the last wrapped parcel of smoked beef into the large sack, cinched it and threw it over his shoulder. “I’m not staying here. Might as well be useful.”
Paul followed him. “I really appreciate it, Garrett. Just wasn’t up to the traveling this year.”
“Works for me, too.” Taking the smoked beef down to the orphanage was an annual pilgrimage for Paul. Garrett had joined him once, a few years back. He remembered the route.
“You’re coming back?”
Garrett hesitated. Pressed his lips together. Nodded.
“Good.” Paul helped hoist the pack over the mule’s back and center it. “She’ll come around.”
Garrett didn’t hold out any hope. “It’d take a miracle.”
Together they secured the sack on the mule. Garrett mounted Blue.
“See you at church services Christmas Eve.” Paul shook his hand and then handed the mule’s lead to him. “Keep your rifle close.”
Garrett reined Blue toward the main road.
The journey would take four days—two down at a slow pace, one there and one back up. He welcomed the chance to be by himself. The only thing he’d have to watch out for would be mountain lions tempted by the scent of the meat. Paul had wrapped it well enough, but he’d still have to take care.
However, mountain lions were the least of his worries right now. Before heading out of town, he’d have to pass the bakery.
So many things about the other night troubled him, but deep in his soul, he knew he’d done the right thing. It wouldn’t have been right to lead Kathleen into a union without knowing his part in Josh’s death. He loved her too much to take advantage of her like that. She thought he felt guilty—and she was right up to a point. But Josh had made his own choices—to dri
nk too much, to dally with Sadie, to go to work the next morning still half-drunk and angry. He’d been angry at himself more than anything. Garrett understood that now.
It would take all his willpower not to stop, not to look in the window. He kept his gaze straight ahead, kept his mount at a steady pace and headed out of town.
Chapter Eleven
Christmas Eve service was a gathering of most of the townsfolk and many outlying families. The wooden building was decorated with fragrant pine boughs, mistletoe and red bows. Kathleen watched Lily’s face light up in wonder as she passed into the large room lined with pews, and was handed her own small candle. For a moment Kathleen felt a wave of guilt that she hadn’t brought her daughter here sooner, but she hadn’t been ready when she first moved to town. She’d needed time.
She preferred to take a seat in the rear of the room, however, Molly, on seeing a friend and empty seats halfway to the front, took Lily’s hand and led her that way. Once they were settled and the opening hymn sung, Kathleen dared a look at those seated around her.
No Garrett.
It seemed the ranch had swallowed him up. She set her jaw. Well…good. At first she had been so upset and confused that she didn’t know what she would have done if he’d stopped by the bakery. Probably given him the cold shoulder. Probably refused to wait on him. But then he didn’t come in, didn’t even come to town as far as she knew. It had weighed on her. And she went from being angry to worrying. Maybe they should talk, now that the shock of what he’d said had worn off. Although it wouldn’t change her mind. She’d finally asked Lucy, who knew just about everything about anything happening in town, and learned he’d left the area. He was doing just what she’d asked—giving her time.
She settled back into the pew, feeling a strange sense of loss that he wasn’t here.
She turned her attention to the service.
Lily sang the carols in her sweet, high voice. Her eyes became as round as saucers when two boys walked down the aisle with candles and everyone took their turn lighting their own. It was then Kathleen noticed Brent and Barbara Sheridan across the aisle a few pews back. Barbara nodded to her—and smiled. A surprise.
When the singing was done and the service over, people milled about outside, wishing happy Christmas to each other, exchanging hugs and well wishes. Lucy made her way over to Kathleen.
“Garrett must not be back. He usually hands out the gifts to the youngsters.”
Kathleen glanced over to see Brent opening his carriage boot and pulling out a small box. He called a name and a young boy ran up to accept the present. More names and presents followed. “There were…words between us. I wasn’t…kind.”
Lucy frowned, then led Kathleen away from those milling in front of the church and over to the freestanding bell tower. Kathleen checked for Lily and found Barbara Sheridan crouched down, talking to her with Molly standing close by.
“What happened?” Lucy asked in a hushed voice.
“He asked me to marry him.”
Lucy’s shoulders sank. “Guess I saw that coming. He’s loved you since forever.”
Startled that Lucy would know, Kathleen asked, “He told you?”
“Course not. You know how Garrett is—tight-lipped as a nutshell. It’s plain in how he treats you, how he lights up when you walk into a room. I’d hoped last Christmas that he was over you. That’s why I twisted his arm about going to the dance. But then you came back.”
“It doesn’t matter. There’s too much between us to ever marry. Just too much heartbreak.”
“He must have told you about that night. About the fight.” Lucy shrugged. “So he stood up for you.”
“I guess you could say that, but he took it too far. Josh didn’t come home that night.”
“He would have if Sadie hadn’t stepped in.”
The name was unfamiliar to Kathleen. “Sadie?”
“Yes. Sadie and Josh.”
A knife wedged in Kathleen’s chest. “Don’t…” she whispered.
“Garrett left that part out, didn’t he?”
“Josh…was with another woman?” She’d known he’d been drinking more, spending more evenings away. But she hadn’t known he was seeing someone.
“When Garrett broke Josh’s nose, the fight ended and Josh was ready to go home. Garrett walked over to the bartender to get a cloth for the blood, and in that moment Sadie Darnell sidled up to Josh. Your husband grabbed a bottle of whiskey and left—leaning on Sadie.”
“I didn’t know….”
“Course not. Garrett knew it would hurt you.”
Kathleen straightened. “It doesn’t change anything. Garrett’s been looking out for Lily and me out of guilt. He would marry me…out of guilt over what he’s done. Marriage is hard enough without doing it for the wrong reasons. It’s better I don’t see him again. There’s too much that’s happened. Too much to ever put things back together again.”
“Not if you love him.”
She looked up to heaven. Stars blurred in the cold night sky. “I don’t even know what love is between a man and a woman! It sure wasn’t the way Josh treated me! All I have is Lily. And I’m trying to do the best by her.” She was shaking, and not from the cold. Where had that outburst come from? She’d never told anyone about the way Josh treated her, never said anything bad about him. She was falling apart here. Coming back to Clear Springs had been a terrible choice.
Lucy pressed her lips together and then stepped forward and hugged Kathleen. “Don’t be too hasty in making this decision. You won’t get another chance—not from Garrett. Besides, it’s Christmas. A time to remember, but also a time to forgive. Soon it will be a new year.” She turned and headed back to the small knot of people left in front of the church.
Kathleen swiped the tears from her eyes and stood there, piecing together all that Lucy had said.
“Mama! Mama!” Lily ran up to her and tugged on her hand, leading her back toward the Sheridans. They were the last people Kathleen wanted to see just now.
“Honey. We need to head back to Molly’s. It’s getting late.”
“Grandmother told me to get you. She wants to give you something.”
She let Lily drag her toward Barbara, girding herself for the moment. Like Lucy had said, it was Christmas and should be a happy time—at least for children. She’d take Lily back to the house and make some hot cocoa. It would be okay. She’d make it be okay for Lily.
When she neared, Barbara smiled hesitantly. “Merry Christmas. I…I want to invite you and Lily and Molly out to the ranch tomorrow to spend the day with us.”
It was a lovely invitation, and Kathleen wondered whether or not Barbara and Brent knew what had transpired between her and Garrett.
“Thank you, but Lily and I have other plans.” She saw Molly’s surprised expression from the corner of her eye.
Barbara’s shoulders slumped. “Oh. I see.”
Did the woman really want to spend the day with her?
“Well, then, since we won’t be seeing you, I have a gift for each of you in the carriage. Brent?”
Her husband stepped to the boot and withdrew four packages.
Why? Why were they being kind to her after so long? Had she been mistaken five years ago? Had she only seen what she wanted to? Had her own shortcomings with Josh distorted what had really happened back then?
Each present was wrapped in white paper and tied with a red ribbon—all save one. Barbara handed them out, giving two to Lily. “Please, if anything changes your mind…you are welcome tomorrow. I’ll hold on to the hope that you’ll come.”
Kathleen shook her head. She couldn’t even speak. Confusion roiled like yesterday’s breakfast in her stomach.
Brent helped his wife into the carriage and then climbed in after her. He glanced at each one of them in turn, and in his quiet gaze, Kathleen could see Garrett’s patient look. There wasn’t a bit of condemnation in it. Just…caring.
“Merry Christmas,” Barbara said, and squeezed her
husband’s shoulder. Brent took the hint, flicked the reins and set off toward the ranch.
* * *
Kathleen couldn’t sleep. Molly and Lily had been asleep for an hour when she tucked the covers around her daughter and left the bedroom. The parlor fireplace glowed with the last of the embers. Blue moonlight filtered through the crack in the window curtains. She pushed the heavy fabric aside and looked out to the road. A new dusting of snow had fallen since they’d returned from church, but now the clouds had passed over and the sky was clearing. The world seemed changed somehow, in these hours between dusk and dawn. An illusion. Only an illusion.
How could she stay in Clear Springs with how things were? She couldn’t bear to see Garrett at odd times in the bakery or in town and not speak to him. Couldn’t bear to know he was as close as the ranch. Was it really as simple as Lucy said?
Restless, she stirred the embers and added a few small sticks from the wood box. She tiptoed quietly back to the bedroom and to the foot of her bed. Lily’s soft breathing broke the silence pressing down all around. Kathleen opened the large trunk and wedged the dowel to hold the lid. Digging down in the far right corner, she searched until her fingers brushed against the ear of the stuffed bunny she’d made for her daughter. She pulled it out, straightened the silk vest and fluffed its tail. Her gift to Molly came next. Warm slippers she’d knitted whenever Molly had been gone to her quilting group.
She placed the bunny and the slippers under the tree with the gifts from Barbara and Brent. The lone one from Garrett pulled her gaze. What was he giving Lily? She could open it and then rewrap it. Molly might know, but Lily wouldn’t know any better. Still, that seemed dishonest. It was dishonest.
She settled into the rocking chair and picked up her needlepoint. She rocked back and forth. Back and forth. All the while, staring at that present.
“Enough!” she muttered under her breath. She grabbed the package and untied the string before her good sense could stop her. A book. A simple book! She sat down and stared at it. No title, nothing on the outside to suggest what it was about. On the inside cover Garrett had written the words, “For my niece, Lily Sheridan, on her first Christmas in Clear Springs.”