I wondered if sex with him would always feel this way.
If I decided to give in to the sensible and safe thing to do, like always, was this the kind of life I was in for? A relationship with Scott would be stable and approved of by my parents, but it would be completely boring. I would tire of him quickly and the last thing I wanted was to add that sort of burden in my life. As he let out guttural sounds of pleasure, sputtering into my ear, it all clicked.
This was not what I wanted, no matter how much I tried to make sense of it. I wanted to experience real feelings. I wanted a sense of adventure and excitement in life.
I wanted what I actually wanted, not what everyone told me I should want.
“I- I can’t,” I said suddenly, pushing him off me.
“What?” He looked shocked.
“I just can’t. This is- this isn’t right,” I said, wrapping my blouse around me as I bolted across the hall and into my condo.
Chapter Seventeen
Jenny
Two hours later I was sitting in my office. I didn’t have any appointments, so I was enjoying the silence. As much as I hated it, Johnny was my first client. I pulled out his file and stared at it. I felt completely ashamed of what I did with him. I had let things get completely out of hand.
I felt utterly lost. On top of that, I couldn’t shake the pain I felt. It wasn’t until I was sitting in my office, staring at his file, that I started to wonder if he would even show up to his appointment. The moment I felt a tear slip down my cheek, I dabbed it with a tissue paper and pulled myself together. I looked at the clock and realized if he was going to show up, he’d be there any minute.
As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. My heart started to pound, but I stared ahead without saying anything. It couldn’t be Johnny. He never knocked. Why would he suddenly start doing that now? There was another knock, this time louder. I stood up and straightened up my skirt before walking to open the door. Sure enough, Johnny was standing on the other side. The instant I was face-to-face with him, I felt unbearable tension fill the air. I could hardly breathe.
“You knocked,” was all I managed to say.
“I’m making progress,” he said with a faint smile.
I stared at him. Was he really going to pretend like nothing happened? Was he really going to show up for his appointment and make his cheeky comments as if he hadn’t gone down on me just 24 hours earlier right there in my office? Was he going to pretend he never stormed out of my house after we had sex? It didn’t make any sense and it all just made me feel even more like the biggest idiot in the world. I took a deep breath and walked back to my desk without a word. I opened up his file and wrote a note, trying to act as if he were any other client. But when he sat across from me and stared, there was absolutely no way for me to feel like he was just any other client.
“Did you write it down?”
“Excuse me?” I asked, caught off guard.
“Did you write down that I knocked?”
“Johnny, these notes are for my reference.”
“I’m not stupid. I know that,” he deadpanned.
I looked up at him and set my pen down. For the most part, I really could say he was acting like it was just any other day. How could he get on with his life so easily. I couldn’t fathom screwing my therapist and then talking to them the following day as if everything was normal. I felt like I was going crazy. My mind was swirling with thoughts so quickly I could barely keep up with them. I wanted to ask him why he had left. I wanted to know what he thought about me telling him that I had loved him. But I couldn’t ask him anything. Aside from it not being professional, I was terrified of the answers. I looked back down at his file and then looked up at him.
“I walked again. I like walking,” he said suddenly.
“Johnny,” I sighed.
“I like the fresh air. Some people like to think but, for me, it’s like a break from all that.”
“Johnny,” I repeated.
“A lot of shit happens to people, you know? And, well, you know what I told you last time.”
“I do recall, Johnny.”
“But, I don’t know, walking is still good. Even when all the shit in the world gets dumped-”
“Johnny,” I interrupted him, speaking a bit louder than usual.
He was caught by surprise. He furrowed his brows and jerked his head back as he looked at me carefully. For the first time since he’d shown up at my office, I felt like I was about to do the right thing. This was what I should have done from the very beginning, but I wanted to pretend like our history didn’t matter. At the time, I thought I was better than what I actually was. I hadn’t risen above. Instead, I sunk further than I ever had in life. I couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t good for me. Or him.
“What?”
My pulse raced, but I had to get the words out, “I think it’s a good idea for you to start seeing another therapist. I can refer you to a colleague of mine. One of the best, actually. You’ll be in great-”
“I don’t fucking want to see another therapist.”
“Johnny,” I said, averting me gaze, “I don’t think I can help you with your… needs.”
He looked confused, but it was obvious he was trying to hide his emotions. My first thought was that it meant something, but I quickly drove that away. I thought back to him slamming my front door. I felt that sinking feeling in my stomach all over again. He couldn’t make me feel bad for my choice. He had just as much fault in this as I did. I started to feel anger. Did he really think he could say all the vulgarities in the world to me, seduce me, leave my condo in anger, and then come back and be treated so I could sign off on the terms of his prison release? I looked away from him when I felt my arms start to tremble.
“So, you’re giving up on me.”
I turned to look at him and sighed, “I never said that. I merely stated that I don’t believe I am best suited to meet-”
“My needs. Whatever,” he scoffed, shaking his head, “I expected more from you. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t be surprised.”
“Excuse me?”
“I never begged you, Doctor Jenny Lin, to just ride my cock and then push me off onto someone else.”
I gripped me pen. My entire body was shaking. I felt humiliation, anger, shame, guilt, and confusion all at once. It was too much to experience and, once again, he was pushing the boundaries and I was allowing myself to cross those lines with him. Maybe we weren’t getting hot and heavy in my office this time, but the direction this conversation was going wasn’t appropriate at all. I knew for a fact that I would have never let any other one of my clients get away with a statement like that. Then again, I never would have had sex with any of them either.
Johnny shrugged, “It’s cold, but I get it.”
“What exactly do you ‘get,’ Johnny?”
“Turns out that for being such a fucking prissy bitch in the office, you like cock as much as I like pussy. It’s all right. I get that.”
My jaw clenched tight. What Johnny was saying wasn’t the case at all. He was turning things around after he had been the one to just up and leave. For all the crass things he said in the past, now he was crossing the line. He had no right to speak to me like that, and I wasn’t going to just let it slide.
“Who do you think you are to speak to me that way?”
“I’m the guy you fucked more than once yesterday and now you’re trying to pawn me off. Not such a little prude bitch after all, but definitely a-”
“Get out of my office,” I demanded, standing up from my chair.
“I can’t,” he responded nonchalantly, “It goes against my parole.”
I scoffed, “Your parole. Of course, that’s… Fine. Then I’ll leave. I can’t even sit in this office with you anymore.”
I stood up to storm out. I was pissed. He had gone way too far as if the pain and embarrassment he already put me through weren’t enough. I crossed the office with a long stride without so much
as a sideways glance at him.
“So that’s it,” he said quietly.
“I do not expect to see you in my office tomorrow. I will personally call your parole officer and have him arrange a transfer,” I said right before walking out of the office.
Chapter Eighteen
Johnny
I was left alone in her office where things had been so different just twenty-four hours ago. I looked at the empty chair and felt the silence in the room weigh on me. I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t bring myself to stand up. I was floored. I stared at her empty chair and replayed our conversation in my head.
I cleared my throat and turned to look out the window. Despite the fact that I was completely alone in the office, I still refused to show any emotions. Keeping them bottled up and hidden from the world had always suited me best. Still, I was trying to make sense of it all. I stood up and walked around to the side of the desk, tempted to read whatever notes she wrote about our sessions. I looked at her chair for a long second. Things were so different the day before when I was standing in that exact same spot. I shoved her chair away. It swiveled, turning in circles and letting out tiny little squeaks.
“This wouldn’t have been good for me anyway,” I muttered under my breath. She was far too needy for me to deal with and I had always been a loner. There was no reason for that to change now. I looked around her office for a few more minutes. Seeing things that reminded me of her was starting to make me feel even more anxious. Another minute later and I was storming out of her office and down the road, determined to find something to take my mind off of everything.
***
I had no idea what I was doing there, but that hadn’t stopped me from walking to Jenny’s building later that day and making it to the hallway where her front door was. I stood in front of the elevator and stared down the corridor. I tried to stay away. I had spent the entire day convincing myself that I wanted nothing to do with her, but failed. I stood in front of the elevator and stared at the door.
As much as I wanted to deny it, I knew there was something between us. She had to feel it too. She was probably fighting it just as much as I was. I turned around and punched the button for the elevator, but when the doors opened, I didn’t step on. I just stood rooted to the spot. I clenched and unclenched my fists, thinking about what to do. My body wanted to go in two directions at once. Finally, I turned around with a huff and started to walk toward her front door.
I was just about to ring the doorbell when the door behind me swung open. I didn’t have to turn around to know who was standing there. I could already feel the irritation building up. I didn’t have the patience to deal with this moron.
“Oh,” said a deep but slightly grating voice, “It’s you. I’m surprised you would even dare to show your face around here after what you did to Jenny. Then again, you’re probably the type of man who has no shame.”
I turned around slowly to face Scott, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I said through clenched teeth.
He laughed, “Of course you’d say that.”
“Stop talking to me like you know and mind your own fucking business,” I threatened, making sure he caught a glimpse of my fist.
It was clear he was worried, but thought I was bluffing. He took a step back and cleared his throat. He looked down the hall and then behind me at Jenny’s door. Suddenly, that poorly disguised expression of concern on Scott’s face turned in to a smirk.
“Don’t worry,” he said, “It wasn’t anything I couldn’t make all better…”
“I don’t-”
“After all, she does deserve better. She deserves someone like me, an accomplished doctor, and not some low-life asshole.”
Fury took over. Everything Scott was insinuating made me see red. I was holding my hand so tightly clenched it was shaking. Without a single word, I launched myself toward him and punched him right in the face. All it took was that single hit to knock that arrogant asshole out. I stood over a half-conscious Scott in the hallway as I shook my hand and my head. I didn’t want to believe what he was saying was true, but there was doubt that lurked inside of me. Just then, I heard Jenny’s door open. I froze.
“What is going-”
Jenny stopped speaking abruptly. I turned to look at her, but her eyes were locked on the unconscious and bleeding man on the floor. She finally met my gaze, but she looked completely shocked.
“How could you?” She shrieked as she rounded me and knelt by Scott.
I watched as she lifted his head and examined him. She placed her hand on his chest and I felt my own tighten. I hated the sight of her touching him and caring for him. My rage was starting to build even more.
“What have you done?” She asked when she looked back up at me.
I looked at her, then at Scott, and then back at her before shaking my head. I felt something other than anger swell up in my chest and overtake my body. It was an emotion that I wanted to stuff in a box and pretend didn’t exist.
“What have you done?” I muttered.
Jenny looked at me confused. She was so rattled she could barely talk. I shook my head and stalked off toward the elevator without another word. If she wanted to tend to the precious doctor so be it. It was clear that’s what she wanted. Scott’s smug smile before I clocked him in the face was seared in to my head, but what hurt the most was watching Jenny comfort him.
I wanted to believe that prick was just jealous and trying to get a rise out of me, but after seeing Jenny’s reaction, I wasn’t so sure. I could just imagine her cleaning up the blood that was pouring out of his nose and attending to his every need. I felt my entire body shake as I walked out onto the street. Even the cool night air couldn’t calm me down.
As I walked home, I replayed that moment over and over again in my mind. I couldn’t get the sound of Jenny’s angry voice out of my ear. I hated the way she ran toward him and the accusing glance she gave me, like I was the most horrific thing she had ever seen in her life. I couldn’t believe I had opened up to her as much as I already had. How could I have been foolish enough to think it would be okay to trust someone, especially when that someone was Jenny Lin?
Jenny wasn’t someone I could trust. It wasn’t until I passed the jewelry store that I was yanked out of my thoughts. I stopped and looked at the gold necklace I wanted to steal weeks ago.
Without much thought, I ran across the street and picked up a brick before throwing my arm back and taking aim at the window.
Chapter Nineteen
Johnny
My hand was clenched around the brick and my arm was ready to chunk it through the glass window. The blood pumped through my body and my pulse thundered in my ears. Everything was so loud despite the street being deserted. The necklace called my name. I held the brick even tighter in my hand until its edges started to cut in to my skin.
Even though my thoughts had been silenced for a moment, they all came swarming back the minute I imagined the glass shattering. Feeling the cool edges of the gold chain would never compare to feeling Jenny’s skin. I knew it was ridiculous to even have those thoughts. She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. She had made that perfectly clear long, long ago.
As I stood on the sidewalk in the dark and lonely street, I vividly remembered the night she left me standing on the porch with nowhere to go. She had never been there for me. She never truly wanted me. I was always a fun adventure and distraction for her. I wanted something real, but she thought so little of me.
She had always blamed her parents for everything. She claimed to be against the way they thought. She always said she hated the things they said about me, because she knew the real me. But that night, so many years ago, she made it quite clear that she would always choose the way of her parents. Maybe she wasn’t able to help me back then so many years ago, but she had been so cold and cruel. Ending things between us when I needed her the most… That was something I never forgot.
“She deserves a doctor,” I re
peated Scott’s words in an angry whisper.
It was clear that she felt the exact same way. I was just some lowlife criminal. She was probably ashamed to even have a past with me. I scoffed. She wasn’t too proud to fuck me. I shut my eyes. I dropped my arm, but still clutched at the brick. It hadn’t felt like just fucking, at least not to me. I hated that. I hated that I actually felt some connection to her. I always knew being alone was for the best thing for me. That was the reality of my entire life. Why did I expect things to be different now?
Breaking All the Rules Page 11