I looked down at the brick in my hand. Then I looked over at the window in front of me. All the jewelry shined under the display lights. If I just threw the brick and let the glass shatter, I could have anything I wanted. I gritted my teeth and threw my arm back, ready to throw the heavy red brick with all the force I could muster.
I let out a primal and anguished scream.
Then I hurled the brick down to the sidewalk. It made a loud crack and broke in to a few pieces.
My chest heaved up and down with each breath. My eyes were fixed on the brick, but my mind wasn’t. Deep inside there was something brewing in me. It was a feeling. It was an urge, but for something I never thought I would feel. I had gone through life convinced desire was a word just linked to fucking to get momentary pleasure. I never imagined it would have to do with a single person, a person whose face would never be erased from my memory.
I hated that I still had Jenny on my mind and in my heart, despite everything that had happened between us. A part of me still blamed her for the way my life turned out. She seemed completely unaffected by our past. She didn’t even act all that bothered by what had happened between us recently. It was almost like I imagined the whole thing. I had wanted to feel intimacy with her, even though that was the very thing I had been fighting against my entire life. Jenny, on the other hand, was prepared to treat me just like any other patient that walked through the door.
I leaned against the wall of the building and looked up at the night sky. I shut my eyes and shook my head. It couldn’t have all been in my head. There was just no way. I had felt something between us and that was the sort of thing that had to be real. I remembered the way she looked at me and talked to me. I would never forget the way she touched me. I wasn’t just anybody to her, was I? I tugged at my hair before doubling over and taking deep breaths.
I was going to go crazy if my mind kept racing like this. A decision had to be made. I stood up and looked to my left, in the direction of Jenny’s building.
I needed to decide if I was going to go back and face her or if I would be that young kid on a dark doorstep all over again, left out in the cold, alone to wonder what was to become of me.
Chapter Twenty
Jenny
Scott was splayed on my armchair holding an ice pack to his bruised nose. I had tended to him and gotten the bleeding under control. I got him cleaned up and made sure he iced the nose to minimize the swelling. Plus, I felt like it was my responsibility to make him feel taken care of. After all, I was pretty sure it was thanks to me, that Johnny had punched him. I wanted to ask what happened, but was too much of a coward. I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to know the truth. Maybe the punch had nothing to do with me and I was just flattering myself. Perhaps it had been because of me, but it wasn’t for a reason that would make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I bit my lower lip and looked over at Scott, who was whining in the chair and acting as if being punched in the face was the absolute most painful thing in the world.
“You didn’t have to do this,” he finally said, “I am a doctor, you know. I am well aware of how to treat a bloody nose. I know what to do when someone gets hit in the face with someone else’s unruly fist.”
“I know, but you didn’t have to come in.”
Scott gave me a look and shrugged, “I figured this was the least…”
“The least what, Scott?”
“You ran out on me this morning. We were… And you just…” he shook his head.
“Are you angry?”
“Am I angry? Am I angry?”
“It seems like it,” I responded coolly.
I felt a bit guilty for leading him on. I shouldn’t have let things go as far as they did. At the same time, though, I knew I didn’t owe him anything. And after going over the morning’s events in my head, I came to the realization that Scott wasn’t as nice as he wanted to make himself out to be. I still remembered, with disgust, how he pawed at my body. The desperate look in his eyes as he touched me was still burned in to my memory. He had taken advantage of my vulnerability and that was not okay. I looked at him and considered telling him all those things, but decided against it. I didn’t have the energy to launch a heated discussion. It would be completely pointless anyway.
“I’m not angry,” he told me.
“Well, tell me what you are feeling or thinking then.”
“I’m not one of your clients, Jenny.”
I scoffed, “Maybe it’s time for you to go home then.”
Scott sat forward and threw the ice pack onto the coffee table, startling me. I leaned back and stared at him. He was shaking his head and muttering something under his breath, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying.
“Would you be happy, Jenny? Would you be just fine if I had pulled that stunt?”
“I wasn’t pulling a stunt, Scott. I just realized… I realized it wasn’t right. It wasn’t what I wanted so I put a stop to it.”
“That’s fine. It’s all fine, but it was the way you-”
“Scott, I-”
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” he interrupted, “I’m not what you want? I’m a doctor. You’re a doctor, too. You should know better than to screw around with a low life piece of shit like that guy.”
I looked away from him. I didn’t want him to see that what he just said really hurt. He had no reason, no right to get involved in my business like that. I didn’t care how much he liked me nor for how long, this was none of his business. I looked over at him and saw the dried blood on his face with the bruising.
“You don’t even know him,” I finally responded, my angry tone betraying me.
“I don’t need to know him and neither do you. I thought you were smarter… Better than that.”
He was acting like a complete prick and I was starting to think he deserved getting punched after all. On top of everything, he was now being snarky with me. He didn’t bother hiding how superior he felt like he was over everyone else; including me. I stood up and snatched the ice pack up from off the coffee table before pointing at my door. He looked over his shoulder and huffed.
“It’s time for you to go,” I said, voice quivering, but tone stern.
“Have it your way,” he spat before standing up and straightening up his shirt.
He walked over to the front door and slammed it shut behind him. Just a couple seconds later I heard his door slam too. I knew he was angry, but I could care less. He was being a complete jerk. He was arrogant, entitled, and completely inconsiderate. I could hardly stand him before, much less now. I sat back down on the couch and sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose and pinching it for a little bit of pressure. I needed a break from everything. I wanted to go away and hope when I came back everything would be normal again, but I knew better. That was impossible. I felt like I had been a lifetime’s worth of irresponsible in the space of twenty-four hours.
I leaned forward and buried my face in my hands. For the life of me, I still couldn’t understand what had come over me to let things get so out of hand. It felt like the weight of everything was crashing down and eating up my insides. It was just too much to bear. My eyes clenched tight as tears started to roll down my cheeks. My entire body shook and I my whole face was wet. I couldn’t keep from crying and shaking, feeling like everything had fallen apart from one day to the next. I had nobody to blame but myself.
Between my loud sobs, I heard the door open. I took a couple deep breaths and tried to wipe my face, but I figured it was Scott coming back to bother me. Maybe he was going to apologize if only to get back on my good side so that he would one day have a chance at being with me. Perhaps he was coming over to tell me off some more and make me feel even worse than I already did. Either way, I wasn’t up for it.
“Just go away,” I said without looking up.
I didn’t want to hear it. Whatever he had come over for was of no interest to me. He was the last person I wanted to see—or so I thought.
“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
> It was a voice that made my heart race. I gasped and looked up to see Johnny standing by my front door. I didn’t want it, but more tears streamed down my face. I turned away and wiped them, but that didn’t stop a few more from coming down. I couldn’t believe he was there. After everything that had happened, he was actually in my apartment. Why was he there? What was going on?
“You shouldn’t be here,” I croaked.
“I know that,” he said quietly, “I know I shouldn’t be here. I didn’t want to be here. I don’t know what I’m doing here or why I even came. But here I am and you’re telling me I shouldn’t be here. I know why, but I want you to tell me.”
“What?” I asked, extremely confused.
It felt like he was speaking to me in riddles. Nothing made sense and I was tired of trying to figure things out. My head spun. My chest felt tight. I thought Scott was the last person I wanted to see, but in reality, it was Johnny. If only because I had absolutely no idea how to deal with him.
“Why shouldn’t I be here, Jenny? It’s your turn to tell me.”
I looked at him, “If Scott sees you-”
Johnny scoffed and looked away as he muttered, “Scott.”
I looked carefully at him. I pieced together his reaction with the look in his eyes and it finally clicked– Johnny thought there was something going on between me and Scott.
“No, Johnny, it’s not-”
“You don’t owe me any explanations,” he said, obviously hurt.
“It’s just that he’ll probably call the police.”
“What?”
“Scott. If he sees you, he’ll probably call the police and I don’t think that would go over very well with your parole officer.”
Johnny silently mouthed, “Oh.”
“I just don’t think that’s a good idea. Scott, he’s… I don’t want you to get in to any trouble for no reason,” I admitted.
Johnny’s smirk didn’t disappear. He looked at me and his gaze softened. At that moment, I felt a bit of the tension I had been carrying in my shoulders dissipate. Everything was such a mess, but he still had a strong pull on me. I couldn’t deny it no matter how much I wanted to.
“I’ll risk it,” he said, walking toward me.
“What?”
“It’s not for nothing, Jenny,” he said quietly as he knelt in front of me.
I felt the rough skin of his hands gently wipe my tears away. In spite of myself, I leaned in to the touch. It hadn’t been long, but I already missed him. Once again, I was giving in. I felt powerless. There was a moment of silence while I processed everything and finally gathered the courage to ask the question that had been bothering me for so long.
“Why did you do it?” I whispered.
“I came, and he was standing there. He started saying some shit. He told me-”
“No,” I interrupted, “I’m not asking why you punched Scott. Why did you leave me after last night? Why did you do it?”
He looked at me for a long moment before finally speaking, “because I was scared. Terrified even.” He admitted. The hurt and pain in his eyes were unmistakable.
I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks as I listened to him open up to me. “Why were you scared?”
“All my life I’ve been tossed aside by the people I thought loved me. Because of that I’ve learned to bottle up my emotions and never feel anything for another person. You had already left me before. I couldn’t stomach the idea of that happening again. I was kicking myself for getting as close to you as I did.”
It hurt too much to look at him, so my eyes quickly fell to the ground. “I’m so sorry Johnny.”
“When you said you had loved me, it twisted inside of me like a knife.”
I looked up at him with watery eyes, “Why?”
“It forced me to confront what I already knew about myself. So many years ago, I had loved you too Jenny.” My heart felt like it dropped. “And I love you now.”
He leaned up and softly pressed his lips to mine. I didn’t pull away. Every fiber of reason in my body was telling me not to give in again. Every logical thought was screaming that I was going down a bad road and I would end up regretting it. But I didn’t listen to any of that. The voices of doubt inside my head were silenced the longer his lips were on mine.
Johnny continued to kiss me softly as he pushed me back until I was leaning back on the sofa. He was standing over me with his hands on either side of my head. He pulled back just enough to look into my eyes and smiled. It was the softest smile I had ever seen on him. It was surprising, but I liked it. It was genuine, and I knew in my very heart of hearts that he was being fully vulnerable with me.
“Johnny,” I said, “I don’t want you to think I was trying to pawn you off on another therapist. It’s like you… It was something I had to do. At first, I wanted to treat you. When you first came to my office I thought about reassigning you. There was just so much history between us.”
“Jenny, you don’t have to explain-”
“But I do. I want everything out in the open. Johnny, I decided to keep treating you because I convinced myself that I could be purely professional. I, um, I honestly felt partially responsible for how your life turned out, so I thought that maybe I could help make a difference in a good way. I wasn’t abandoning you again, Johnny. When I finally told you we couldn’t work together anymore, it was because I knew it would be unethical for me to be your therapist after we had… And with all my feelings.”
Johnny nodded and thought about what I said before kissing me on the cheek.
“Every time I think of that night years ago it hurts so much, Johnny. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you. I’m so sorry about the way-”
“We were kids, Jenny. We were kids. There was only so much you could do. You’re not responsible for all the poor decisions I made after that night.”
“I’m still so sor”-
“Shh,” he pressed his index finger to my lips, “It’s in the past. I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I want to look to the future… With you.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Jenny
The next morning, I was fast asleep in bed when something jolted me awake. There was a loud knock at the door. My heart thumped in my chest. I wondered who would possibly come to my door and knock that way. There was another loud bang and I jumped up out of bed. I pulled my robe from the hook near my closet and wrapped it around me, placing my hand on my chest to try calming down before I went to open the door. I took a deep breath and opened it only to find a police officer standing there.
Before I even had the chance to wonder what in the world was going on, the officer surveyed me, “Are you Jenny Lin?”
I gulped and nodded, “Yes, I am.”
Just then, I heard shuffling behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see Johnny, who was shirtless, walk up. I felt even more concerned than I already had. This was a scary situation and having him there didn’t help. It especially didn’t help when he slipped his arm around my waist and stared directly at the police officer, who looked rather affronted.
“Can we help you, officer?” Johnny asked in his typical snarky tone.
The officer cleared his throat and stood up straight, drawing himself to his full height. He looked Johnny up and down. The man made no effort to mask his distaste.
“Are you Johnny Santos?”
“Yes, I am,” he responded without hesitation.
“You have been accused of assault,” the officer told him sternly.
Before Johnny had the chance to say anything, I spoke up, “I’m sorry, officer, but that must be a mistake.”
I didn’t want him to get in to any more trouble and this would land him in hot water. I placed my hand over his and squeezed it. I was nervous and there really wasn’t any way for Johnny to reassure me.
“I assure you I am not mistaken,” the officer explained, “A Mister Scott Brantner has filed an accusation. The charge is that you attacked him.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I said suddenly.
The police officer looked at me in surprise just before Scott’s door cracked open. I wanted to launch myself at him and shriek that he was a sore loser, but that would only make the situation much worse. I could see the anger and disappointment in Scott’s eyes when it was obvious that I chose Johnny over him. I motioned for the officer to approach me.
“This is a misunderstanding, officer,” I said quietly, “That man across the hall is angry because this man is standing beside me. He grew irrationally upset when Johnny came to my place last night, so Scott attacked him. Scott is behaving like nothing more than a spurned lover, even though we were never together.”
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