by Sarah Bailey
Chapter Two
I’m not sure why I’d not wanted Meredith’s brother to leave the moment I realised he’d found me crying in the toilets at school. It’s not like I knew very much about Jonah. Only a few things Meredith had told me like his age and how he was planning to study psychology at university next year.
Jonah raised his eyebrow at my statement as he sat back in his chair. He and Meredith looked alike except his hair was blonde and hers more coppery. He had a strong jawline and was slightly taller than me. I’d always avoided looking at him too much since I didn’t like the way he gave me an odd feeling in my chest. Considering I already felt like an outcast, it didn’t help matters. I didn’t want alien feelings for random people I didn’t know very well. Jonah wasn’t completely random, but he wasn’t someone I ever thought I’d have a conversation with. A real conversation, that is. Not the bullshit small talk we made whenever we crossed paths before.
I gripped my cup in both hands and stared down at the tea in it, feeling distinctly out of place and like I’d said something I shouldn’t to him.
Why did you even open your mouth?
“I guess you’re right. Sometimes I wonder if the world is really as progressive as people like to think it is.”
I scoffed.
“Hardly. People call my mother a slut to my face for her relationship with my dads. I can only imagine what they say to you.”
Looking up, I found Jonah raising his mug to his lips, watching me with a spark of interest in his eyes. I hadn’t put my foot in it.
Thank fuck. Don’t want him thinking I’m weird. Enough people think that already. Hell, I think I’m weird.
“Probably not worth repeating.”
Neither was what set me off earlier. You’d think hearing people talk shit about your family your whole life would have given me a thick skin. No such luck. Sometimes what they said hit far too close to home. Especially after what my parents had told me before the summer holidays started. I shivered, not wanting to think about that shit again. It’d plagued me for months already and nothing made it better.
“Can… can I ask why you offered to keep me company?”
Most days one of my parents picked us up after school, but I’d wanted to get a head start on homework. I told my dad I’d make my own way home. Kind of lucky I guess because Miles Anders and his idiot friends gave me shit. I’d snapped and ran away like a coward which had only made them laugh at me.
Usually, I’d find Duke if Miles and his gang started on me, but he’d already left for the day. It had me hiding in the toilets in floods of tears like a baby instead. Having Jonah find me crying was possibly the most embarrassed I’d been in a long time. I didn’t want to look weak and pathetic in front of him. Only Jonah hadn’t looked at me with anything other than compassion and friendliness since we’d left school. Maybe he didn’t think I was one gigantic baby.
I hope not.
Jonah’s green eyes darted away. They were light in colour. And kind of beautiful. When he blinked, his blonde lashes fluttered across his cheeks, drawing my attention to the light dusting of freckles across his nose. The weird sensation I got in my chest when I looked at him for too long started up again.
This is so disconcerting. I don’t understand it.
“I don’t like seeing people suffering,” Jonah said in response to my question after a moment, his voice just above a whisper.
“I’m not—”
“You are.”
I frowned.
How does he know that?
No one knew how I felt inside. I’d become adept at hiding it, especially from my parents. Well, most of them anyway. You couldn’t get anything past Rory, but he never pried. He waited for you to come to him. Dad hadn’t noticed the way I’d withdrawn into myself since they told me about their past. How every taunt I got from kids about them became magnified because of the knowledge of what they’d done in the past. The tidal wave of misery overwhelmed me at times. Like today.
So how did Jonah, who knew next to nothing about me, know I was suffering? He’d said it with such conviction as if he could see inside my mind.
I didn’t ask. Instead, I sipped my tea and tried to work out why I felt uncomfortable around him. Perhaps it was the way my skin itched with urges I couldn’t understand nor wanted to acknowledge.
Jonah dragged the other plate of cake towards himself and took a bite. My eyes fixed on his hand, admiring his long fingers and noting the way they trembled. Was he as nervous as me about this? Or uncomfortable with hanging out with his little sister’s friend?
“Meredith told me you want to study psychology,” I blurted out, wanting to fill the silence.
His eyes fell on me, curiosity in them.
“Yes, hopefully far away from here.”
I cocked my head to the side, fiddling with my glasses.
“Oh, you don’t want to study in London?”
His eyes turned haunted for the briefest of moments.
“No.”
I didn’t think he’d want me prying any further. I decided not to ask the question burning on my lips. However, I had little else to say. What did I even talk to him about? Why had I agreed to this?
I snagged some more cake, stuffing it in my mouth. As I chewed, I stared at his hands again. He had one curled around his coffee mug and the other resting on the table, tapping the wood. The noise mesmerised me, keeping my gaze pinned to the drumming of his fingers. I’d never understood why I felt this way about Jonah. From the few times I’d spoken to him before, he seemed nice enough and was always polite to me.
“I don’t think my mum would be happy if I moved away from London to study or anything,” I mumbled, looking up at his face again.
Mum would hate it. She didn’t want any of her babies moving out of our house. Personally, I couldn’t wait to get away. It would mean I didn’t have to face the horrifying nature of their past every single day when I looked at them.
“No? Have you decided what you want to do?”
The curiosity in his eyes had me answering honestly.
“Environmental sciences. People think that’s a bit geeky, but I like nature, you know. The city is so… oppressive.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling. It’s like you can’t escape from anyone here no matter where you go.”
“Is that why you want to leave?”
Idiot. You just told yourself not to ask that question. What is wrong with you?
My curiosity about Jonah had got the better of me.
His eyes turned sad and his expression caved in. I felt like shit for causing him any distress.
“One of many reasons. I mean, you must know our dad died last year. Things haven’t really been easy for me and Mer since.”
I hadn’t forgotten about his dad having a heart attack a year ago. Meredith had been withdrawn for months after it happened. She seemed to be coming out of herself a little more these days, but she was still guarded around everyone. It’s like she had this wall up and no one could get past the barrier except Celia and clearly, Jonah.
Is he going to try to break through my walls too? I can’t show anyone what’s inside me. Those demons need to stay where they are.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
He canted his head as his hands gripped his coffee mug.
“It’s okay, guess it’s still a little… raw.”
I nodded. No one close to me had died. I didn’t know how it must feel. Thinking about death only reminded me of shit I fought hard to forget about. Why did everything always come back to that? I needed to quit thinking about it.
I took a sip of my tea to distract myself from the way Jonah was looking at me. It felt like he could see right through me. I didn’t like it.
“Do you have anyone to talk to about what’s going on with you?”
I jumped, my eyes flicking up to his again.
“Not really. I guess I could talk to Duke,
but he’s got his own shit going on with… you know.”
Duke’s troubles were way worse than mine. What he’d gone through six months ago was fucked up and he’d changed because of it. Sometimes events in people’s lives could derail everything and make you think about who you really are. It had shaken all of us on some level. But not like Duke. It was as if he had a personality transplant, at least, outwardly. He was the same Duke with me, even if he didn’t like to talk about it. We’d always been close, what with our dads being together.
“Yeah, that shit was…”
“Tragic and fucked up?”
Jonah gave me a sad smile.
“I was going to say it must have been devastating for him.”
“Yeah, well, he’s not okay. He doesn’t talk about it, but I know he’s not.”
“It’s not like anyone can relate, you know, if they’ve not gone through it themselves.”
I sighed and dug into my cake. Honestly, I didn’t know how to get through to my brother. I’d tried, but I was only met with a wall of anger over the whole thing. If he didn’t want to talk to me, then I wouldn’t force him. I suppose it’s why I was reluctant to talk about my own shit with him. He didn’t need me piling my insignificant worries on top of his own.
“Guess you have to let him work through it himself.”
I wished I didn’t, but Jonah was right. Duke needed space. Besides, he wasn’t completely alone. He had Kira. If anyone could reason with Duke, it was her.
“Yeah, he tells me to stay out of it, so I do.”
Jonah’s eyes softened. My hands trembled at the sight of it. I hid them under the table, hoping he wouldn’t notice how his presence affected me. It’s not like he would talk to me after this, but I didn’t want to make a shit impression on him.
“Well, it’s like I said, if you need someone, I’m willing to listen.”
I didn’t know what to say to that this time. Imposing on my friend’s older brother didn’t feel right, but if Jonah was offering then should I really turn it down?
“Um, thanks,” I muttered, looking away because I couldn’t take his staring. It’s like the longer Jonah looked at me, the more my skin prickled and my heart started to race.
The two of us fell silent, both finishing our slices of cake. I looked around the café, wanting to find a way to make this less awkward, but failing miserably. My eyes fell on my watch, checking the time. My parents would probably be wondering why I wasn’t back yet. It’s not like they kept tabs on me, but I had told Dad I was only staying a little later to catch up on homework.
“I probably need to get home,” I said, finally meeting Jonah’s eyes again.
I picked up my cup and swallowed a mouthful of tea.
“Okay… should we go then?”
I nodded. We finished our drinks and got up, walking out of the café together. I glanced around, knowing I’d have to catch the bus because there was no way I was walking. Mum would hate it. She’d tell me I should have called one of them to pick me up. I rubbed the back of my neck, unsure of how I should say goodbye.
“I need to go catch the bus.”
“I’ll come with you.”
I stared at him. Jonah stuck his hands in his pockets giving me a half-smile.
“You don’t need to do that.”
“I want to. Let me at least make sure you get home okay.”
I shuffled my foot on the pavement.
“I mean okay, if that’s what you want.”
I didn’t know how to say no to him, to be honest. I let Jonah walk me to the bus stop and get on the bus with me when it arrived. We sat together near the back. I tried not to flinch when his thigh brushed up against mine. The odd sensation in my chest was back, but this time it was joined by my heart racing out of control. I didn’t understand what it was about this boy, which made me all kinds of nervous.
Jonah rested his hand on the seat in front of us, tapping his fingers on the fabric. His green eyes were fixed outside whilst mine were on him. Why I couldn’t look away was a mystery to me.
“You must have a big house if all nine of you live there,” he said, startling me.
“Um, yeah, we do. Thankfully our bedrooms are downstairs so we don’t have to hear my parents.”
I watched him smile.
“I can imagine there being five of them makes that a bigger issue for you all.”
I snorted. My parents had no shame when it came to their relationships. The number of times us kids had to put up with them being all loved up was not okay. No one wants to see their parents all over each other, especially not when there’s five of them.
“Just a bit.”
We lapsed into silence again until we reached my stop and the both of us jumped off. He walked along beside me. It took a concerted effort on my part to not look at him too much. Not the way his blonde hair glinted in the sunlight, nor at his beautiful hands.
What is wrong with you? Since when did you start finding hands attractive? Jesus, get a grip!
By the time we got to my house, my need to be away from him was making me anxious. My palms had got all sweaty and my clothes itched against my skin.
“Um, this is me,” I told him, waving at the house. “Thanks for… everything.”
“You’re welcome.” He put his hand out to me. “Give me your phone a sec.”
I dug it out of my pocket, unlocked it and handed it to him without considering why he wanted it. Jonah fiddled with it for a moment before handing it back to me.
“If you need to talk, you let me know, or if you just need company, I’m here.”
I looked down at the screen, finding he’d added his number to my contacts.
“Um, okay.”
Jonah gave me a smile, which made my heart rate spike. I hurried up the steps to my house, digging my keys out of my bag. I unlocked the door and turned back to him before I opened it.
“See you at school, Raphael,” he said, giving me a wave.
“Yeah, see you.”
No one called me by my full name these days. It was always Raphi. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him saying it. I opened the front door and hurried in. Shutting it behind me, I leant against it, taking a few deep breaths.
“Oh good, you’re home, Mum was about to send out the cavalry,” came Duke’s voice.
I looked up, finding my brother leaning against the doorframe of the living room, eying me with a raised eyebrow. I shoved off the front door and rolled my eyes.
“Shut up, no she wasn’t. She would have called if she was worried about me.”
“You okay? You look kind of pale.”
I walked along the hallway and past him to go to my room.
“I’m fine, long day.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yeah, Duke, I’m sure.”
I didn’t want to talk to him right now. Not after the weird reaction I’d had to Meredith’s brother. Duke thankfully didn’t follow me to my bedroom. I shut the door behind me after I walked in, dumping my bag on the floor and collapsing on my bed. My phone was still in my hand. I looked at it.
Jonah Pope.
Why had he been nice to me? It seemed odd for him to offer to keep me company. I was two-and-a-half years younger than him. It didn’t make any sense why he’d want to hang out or anything. Guess it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to take him up on the offer. I shouldn’t have let him take me out today.
I threw my phone down and dug my hands into my eyes, pushing my glasses up on my forehead. No point dwelling on it. Besides, I needed to change and make sure Mum didn’t start hassling my dads to go searching for me. Duke might have been making a joke, but I wouldn’t put it past her to do something like that. She constantly worried about us, especially after what happened with Duke. I couldn’t blame her, but her overbearing nature drove me insane. It was bad enough having Quinn on our cases and now Mum was at it too.
I just wished my parents would le
ave me alone. Maybe I’d be able to deal with all the shit going on my head if they gave me some space. Especially since I had yet to really deal with my feelings towards them regarding their past. I’d have to do it eventually because I couldn’t keep running away from it. Or I could and hope to fucking god I could bury it deep and never address it again. That would be easier than accepting reality… wouldn’t it?
Chapter Three
The fact I’d spent the entire weekend staring at my phone, willing a notification to appear to let me know he’d texted me went to show I was an idiot. I don’t know what had got into me. It’s not as if I wanted anything from Raphael. Not really. He seemed so sad and it tugged at my heartstrings.
Why am I doing this to myself? He clearly doesn’t need me.
I didn’t know why I wanted to help him. It’s not like he was my friend. He meant nothing to me. He was just a boy who hung out with my little sister. That’s it. Anything else wasn’t my business.
Why are you wanting to make it your business, huh, Jonah?
I sat out on the benches outside the sixth form block since it was break time, staring down at my phone and wondering why I couldn’t get a grip. He’d probably forgotten all about me and my offer to be there if he needed someone. I couldn’t imagine why he’d want me as a friend. It’s not like we had a ton in common.
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
“You look like someone just kicked a puppy,” came a voice from next to me.
I looked up to find Olive and Teddy taking a seat next to me.
“Do I?” I muttered, shoving my phone back in my pocket, irritated with myself and my inability to stop thinking about why he wasn’t taking me up on my offer of help.
“Good weekend?”
I shrugged, sitting back and watching the kids milling around, wondering if he would be outside right now.
“Just slept and did homework.” And worried yourself sick about a boy you shouldn’t be thinking about. “You?”