by Sarah Bailey
The two of them looked at each other with a secret smile. Olive and Teddy had been together since forever or at least it felt like it. I didn’t think anything could split them up at this point.
“Yeah, it was good,” Olive said.
I snorted.
“Yeah, I bet it was.”
She shoved me in the arm.
“Some of us are allowed to be loved up, J, even if you aren’t.”
I rolled my eyes.
“I have no interest in being ‘loved up’, got more important shit to do.”
Olive gave me a look.
“Yeah, because you’re a right nerd who only cares about school and making sure your sister stays out of trouble.”
“Mer doesn’t get into trouble,” Teddy put in. “You don’t need to worry about her so much.”
That wasn’t the reason I worried about Meredith. Our mother had fallen into a pit of depression since Dad died and had neglected us. Grandma wasn’t any help either. She kept telling my mum it had only been a matter of time before our father worked himself into the grave. I ignored the two of them arguing all the time. At least it meant my grandmother wasn’t on my case. She might say she didn’t have an issue with my sexuality, but she did. The snide remarks pissed me off. I did nothing about it. Wasn’t much point since she was stuck in her ways and wouldn’t change.
Meredith hadn’t taken our father’s death very well. That’s why I worried. I wanted her to smile again. It took a lot for her to smile at anything these days.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
I didn’t talk about it with Olive and Teddy even though they were my friends. To be honest, I’d never had what I’d call close friends. The person I was closest with was my sister. We didn’t fight or argue in the way siblings usually did. We relied on each other, especially since Dad died. Our mother had never been the maternal type, which meant we had to fend for ourselves a lot of the time.
Being close to people meant I got sucked into their drama and emotions. I couldn’t afford that. It hurt too much when it all went to shit.
This is why you should not be worrying about Raphael. Resist the urge to check your phone again. It’s not worth it.
I wanted to drop my head in my hands but Teddy and Olive would ask me what was up with me. A conversation I didn’t want to deal with.
What the fuck was it about Raphael which had me feeling this way? I’d felt comfortable in his presence. Like we could sit in silence together, watching the world go by and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Most people liked to fill the void with noise, but I liked the peacefulness of being next to someone without the need to talk.
It’s how I’d felt when the two of us sat on the bus together on the way to his house. I imagined he didn’t get much quiet time with his family. Not that I’d actually met his parents, but I’d seen his brothers around school and was in the same year as Aurora.
“You want to come bowling on Friday after school?” Olive asked.
“And get my arse kicked by Teddy? Hard pass.”
She grinned and Teddy flexed his hands.
“I’ll take it easy on you, J,” he said. “You can always have the barriers up.”
I stuck a finger up at him and turned away, glancing towards the main school building. I noticed my sister and Celia huddled together with some other kids. My heart rate spiked when I spied some very familiar chestnut hair. He nudged his glasses up his nose as he dragged his foot across the tarmac. I wondered if he was okay after Friday and what was bothering him.
Stop it. You shouldn’t care about that. It’s none of your business.
So why the fuck couldn’t I look away?
“You sure, J? You never come out anymore,” I could hear Olive saying, but my attention wasn’t on them any longer. It was fixed firmly on Raphael, who’d looked up and caught me staring. Even from this distance, I could see his cheeks flush. He rubbed his hands against his sides. I should look away. I should stop this in its tracks, but apparently, my rational side had gone to sleep.
“Yeah, okay, I’ll come. It could be fun,” I replied to Olive on autopilot because it was probably a good idea for me to get out. I needed the distraction.
“Oh great, we’ll make sure he has a good time, won’t we, Teddy?”
Their words faded into the background as they discussed plans. All I could think about was this boy across the fucking playground whose verdant eyes had drawn me in. Raphael hadn’t looked away either. I didn’t know what to make of it. Nor when I watched him take out his phone. His eyes flicked down as he fiddled with it. When they rose again, he cocked his head to the side. My phone buzzed in my pocket. I tugged it out, knowing it must be him.
Unknown: Thank you for Friday. I appreciated it.
Jonah: You’re welcome.
I watched him check his phone again. His lip twitched.
Raphael: You didn’t tell Mer about it, did you?
Jonah: No. I won’t if you don’t want me to.
Raphael: She doesn’t need to know.
It’s not like I had planned on saying anything to her. It wasn’t my place. I wasn’t the type to betray someone’s trust. Didn’t matter if I hardly knew Raphael, his secrets would be safe with me.
Jonah: My lips are sealed.
I watched a slow smile spread across his face as he read the message. He looked up at me again, biting his lip before he stuffed his phone in his pocket and turned back to his group.
“So, we’ll meet you at the school gates, yeah?” Olive said.
I turned to her and Teddy, having no idea what they’d said before.
“Yeah, school gates on Friday,” I said, my eyes flicking back to Raphael one last time.
Perhaps that would be the end of it. Perhaps not. I just had to wait and see if Raphael reached out again. Maybe he needed someone outside of his circle to talk about the shit going on in his head. And I knew if he asked it of me, I’d be that person for him. Because, apparently, I cared about what happened to him and whether he was really happy… or not.
Chapter Four
All week I’d thought about why I’d texted Jonah the day I caught him staring at me. The way his eyes bored into me like he was seeing right through me. Beckoning me with them and telling me I could trust him with all my secrets if I dared. It made me throw caution to the wind.
It sounded crazy.
Hell, it felt fucking crazy.
My mind ran rampant, considering all the reasons how it could be okay to unburden myself to my friend’s older brother.
Would it be cathartic? Would it help me? Would I feel a sense of relief afterwards?
Stupid thoughts I should not be entertaining.
The whirlwind of emotion inside me wasn’t something anyone should have to deal with. I’d been raised to be open and honest about my feelings by my parents, but that had been shattered the moment they told me the truth about themselves.
A part of me wanted to unburden myself to someone I could trust with the truth. Jonah had offered to listen. No one had given me the option. Then again, no one knew anything was wrong. My parents were worried about Duke’s wellbeing. I didn’t want to give them more shit to fret over. And every part of me was ashamed over the whole thing.
It wouldn’t be right to go to Jonah, would it? He owed me nothing. He was Meredith’s brother. Why the hell would he even want to help me?
Fed up with feeling all this shit, I left my bedroom to go in search of one of my dads. I needed to get my mind off everything. They could distract me for a while. Not like I had anything better to do. I had friends, sure, but I never invited them back to mine. My family could be a lot and we got so much shit over it. I didn’t feel like giving anyone further ammunition to use against me and my siblings. No one would get it. How could they unless they lived it? Unless they saw the way my parents worked. How they’d walk through fire for each other. They were my heroes because of how they loved and cared little for anyone els
e’s opinions.
At least… they used to be.
I passed by Duke’s bedroom. The door was wide open and the light was on. My eyes were drawn inside, finding my brother sitting on the end of his bed, his hands resting at his sides as he stared down at the floor. My feet came to a standstill.
“Duke?”
He didn’t raise his head. If anything, he looked defeated.
“You okay?”
His lack of response was telling. I walked into his room, shutting the door in case someone else came by. Duke didn’t like anyone seeing him show emotion. He liked to make jokes the same way his dad did, but he was also incredibly aloof. Kept his walls built so high, I didn’t know how anyone could scale them. The only person other than me Duke ever opened up to was his best friend.
I sat down next to him, noting the way his shoulders sagged. Seeing him like this made my heart ache. My brother wasn’t as strong as he liked to make out, but given what had occurred six months ago, I couldn’t exactly blame him. I’d defy anyone to go through it and come out unscathed.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
His fists enclosed around the covers.
“No,” he murmured.
“Do you want me to go?”
He shook his head. Then one of his hands uncurled from the duvet and he rubbed his face.
“Why is everything so fucked up, Raphi? I feel like I grew up too fast when…” he faltered.
Neither of us wanted to voice aloud what he was referring to.
“I don’t know why. The world is cruel for no reason. Chews us up and spits us out when it’s done torturing us.”
Duke’s ice-blue eyes met mine. He frowned as if he wondered where the hell I came up with that idea. If only he knew what kind of fucked up shit went on in my head.
“Since when did you get so smart about the world?”
I shrugged.
“I’ve felt that way for a while… people giving us shit about our family is draining.”
Duke was the only one I’d admitted what being bullied felt like for me. No matter how many times he came to my defence, it didn’t stop the idiots. I didn’t even tell my friends about it. I wasn’t ashamed of my family or anything, just my inability to keep people’s barbs from getting to me.
“Are those fuckers still on your case?”
“What do you think? Doesn’t matter what you say, they just start up again. Like it’s our fault we have five parents. Didn’t ask to be born. I’m just tired, Duke.”
He looked away, nodding slowly.
“Me too. Tired of it all. It’s times like this I understand why she did it.”
His words prompted me to wrap an arm around his shoulder as his body shook.
“Hey, it’s okay… it’s not anyone’s fault that happened. Especially not yours.”
He turned his face into my shoulder.
“Why does it feel like it is?”
I didn’t know how to answer his question. It’s not like I could relate to his pain. At least not this type, anyway. I put my other arm around him and stroked his back. Duke didn’t hold back, wetting my t-shirt within minutes as he silently cried out his agony.
“I’ve got you,” I whispered. “Always.”
It didn’t matter what shit my brother was going through. I’d always be here for him even when he pushed me away. He’d withdrawn into himself for the first couple of months, refusing to talk about it. Then the personality transplant happened. He went from being this kind, upstanding guy to someone who didn’t give a shit any longer. And it had resulted in him using a lot of girls. No to mention the increasingly reckless shit he and Kira got up to with their so-called dares. I didn’t judge him by any means even if I didn’t strictly agree with it. Everyone dealt with their pain in different ways.
When Duke pulled away, he rubbed his eyes with his sleeve and looked at the floor.
“Thanks,” he mumbled.
“You know you can come to me if you need to.”
He nodded. I felt the change in him, the way the shutters came down, sealing away his emotions. It’s not like I could push him into opening up to me further. It would only make things worse.
“You want to be alone?”
He nodded again. I got up to give him some space, patting his shoulder.
“Okay.”
He didn’t acknowledge me as I walked away, opening his bedroom door and closing it behind me. I leant against the wall outside, rubbing my hand across my mouth. It reminded me of why I couldn’t talk to Duke about my own feelings. Not the ones I held deep inside. The bullying, sure, but everything else? Not so much. He was too lost in his own misery. I didn’t want to pile mine on top of his.
I walked away to my bedroom, not wanting to be around anyone else then. Not after having my brother cry on me. My heart felt heavy and my mind was in disarray.
I lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling and wondering when life had got crazy difficult. When did everything get this fucked up? I was only fifteen, but I felt a lot older. The weight of the world was on my shoulders.
Maybe it’s why I reached out and grabbed my phone from my bedside table. And maybe it’s why I stopped caring about the reasons I shouldn’t lean on someone I had no business being friends with.
Everyone needed someone in their corner. Someone who had an outsider’s perspective.
Raphi: Do you ever feel so lost you don’t know what’s up or down any longer?
Chapter Five
I regretted agreeing to go bowling the minute Teddy, Olive and I met up with what felt like half our year at the school gates. The number of people made me anxious. My hands were all sweaty. My pulse had spiked. I couldn’t deal with the onslaught of overwhelming emotions hitting me from every side.
This was my idea of hell.
Olive and Teddy knew I was an introvert, but I’d never told anyone other than Meredith about the way crowds affected me. How it made me uneasy. I’d end up withdrawing into myself rather than being social. I couldn’t exactly blame them for inviting other people even though it made me want to run far, far away.
We took up four lanes next to each other at the bowling alley. Thankfully, I was on a lane with my two friends and could sit in the corner without garnering too much attention. I pulled out my phone and sent a text to my sister.
Jonah: Half of sixth form is here.
She’d understand what I meant. I glanced around, checking to see if I was up next or not.
Meredith: You okay with that?
Jonah: Not really.
Meredith: Didn’t O and T tell you loads of people were coming?
Jonah: They might have, but I wasn’t exactly listening.
I suppose it might have been my fault for getting distracted by Raphael.
What are you doing thinking about him?
I hadn’t stopped. I’d attempted to stop looking around for him at school and wondering how he was all week. Attempted to but failed miserably. I didn’t understand why I felt compelled to help him. Perhaps a part of me recognised the pain in him. The suffering. And my idiot-self wanted to soothe him. To make him smile again because his smile was kind of beautiful.
You need to stop thinking like this.
Meredith: You? Distracted? Who are you and what did you do with my brother? Did someone steal your phone?
Jonah: You really aren’t funny, you know that right?
Meredith: I made you smile though.
I realised the corners of my lips had turned up. Meredith hadn’t been in the mood to make jokes for a while. I was happy to see her doing so now.
Jonah: You did. Thank you.
Meredith: Just try be social, yeah? I know you hate it, but you have to put yourself out there or you’ll end up alone with twenty cats.
Jonah: At least cats are antisocial so wouldn’t be harassing me every five minutes. The perfect pets.
Meredith: Jonah…
Jonah: I k
now. I know. Putting the phone away.
Meredith didn’t respond. I tucked my phone back in my pocket, noticing it was my turn to bowl. I needed to stop being such a recluse, but my dad dying only made me want to retreat further into myself. It was the suddenness of it which got to me the most. Even a year later, I still missed him.
Our home life pretty much sucked as Mum didn’t seem to give a shit. I’d felt like it was down to me to keep it together. To make sure my sister got what she needed. Meredith hadn’t noticed our mother’s attitude quite yet, but it would only be a matter of time. She’d need me more than ever when it happened.
I got up from my seat and picked up a bowling ball.
“You sure you don’t want the bumpers up?” Teddy quipped.
“I’m sure.”
Having never been any good at sports or anything involving hitting targets, my aim when it came to bowling sucked. I didn’t want to look like a complete wuss though. People already gave me enough side-eyes as it was. The poor gay kid whose dad died of a heart attack.
Got to love those labels people brand you with.
I took aim, walked forward, swinging my arm back before throwing the ball down the lane. For once in my life, it actually stayed in a straight line and hit some of the pins.
“Have you been practising without us, J?” Olive asked as I picked up another ball.
I threw her a smile and a wink.
“Nope, an absolute fluke. Watch, bet this goes straight in the gutter.”
True to my word, it was a gutter ball. Olive gave me a pat on the shoulder and said better luck with the next one. I was proud of myself for getting any pins down in the first place.
The rest of the game was much of the same with me hitting very few pins, Teddy getting several strikes and Olive not far behind him on the scoreboard. A couple of the other kids who were with us did well too.
“Just going to get a drink,” I told Olive before the next game started.
She gave me a nod. I ambled off in the direction of the bar area and ordered myself a soft drink. As I stood there drumming my fingers on the bar, my phone buzzed. I slid it out of my pocket and stared down at the message. My heart thumped hard against my chest.