by Sarah Bailey
“I don’t want you to think they’re bad people. What they did was to protect themselves.”
He shifted, dropping his arms from his legs and digging his phone out of his pocket. I reached over and grabbed the remote, pausing the film since we weren’t watching it. Raphael fiddled with his phone and then held it out for me. I took it and looked down at the webpage and article he’d brought up.
Frank Russo.
“Who is this?”
“My mum’s… well, I guess you could call him her stepfather. She was raised by him and thought he was her real father until she was twenty-one. That’s when she met my dads and my real grandfather, Viktor.”
My eyes scanned over the page, seeing things like crime family and most powerful man in the criminal underworld.
“He sounds like a monster,” I said after reading further details about his penchant for beating people to death with brass knuckles.
The more I read, the more I thought the whole thing was like something out of a true crime documentary. Frank Russo had met his demise twenty-one years ago, which I couldn’t exactly be sorry over if half of what was said about him was true.
“It says his killers were never found. His death and everyone else’s at his building was a massacre. Wait, is this what your parents are responsible for?”
I glanced up at Raphael who looked resigned.
“Yes.”
“But why?”
This was way more fucked up than I’d ever imagined. I didn’t think when Raphael told me his parents had done something illegal it would involve corruption, crime and murder.
“Well, the way my parents tell it, their whole lives had been affected by his empire. My dads parents’ were involved with the Russo family in one way or another. Their childhoods were violent and unforgiving. My dads wanted to destroy Frank and his legacy so he couldn’t spread his corruption any longer. They made their own fortune to combat Frank. Not all of it was legal and they had to do things they weren’t proud of. They didn’t tell me all the details, only that they took my mum from Frank to use as leverage. It’s how they met and somehow fell in love. Things got complicated, she switched sides and together, they took down Frank and his empire.”
He fiddled with my covers, not meeting my eyes.
“I understand if this is too much for you to handle and you don’t want to talk to me again, but I’m going to ask you to keep it a secret. No one else can know. I don’t want the past dragged up and for them to get in trouble. I love my parents. They’re good people. They’re kind and would do anything for me. Please… please promise me you won’t tell anyone.”
His voice shook on the last words as if he thought I might actually betray him. Yes, the whole thing shocked me and I didn’t know what to think, but it didn’t mean I was planning on going to the police and turning his parents in. I couldn’t prove it and I wouldn’t want to do that anyway. Why on earth would I dig up something that happened so long ago?
“I promise.”
He looked up at me then.
“You do?”
“Yes. You can trust me, Raphael. I would never betray you.”
A sad smile appeared on his face.
“You can call me Raphi like everyone else unless you want to be like my parents and call me monkey.”
“Monkey?”
He shrugged.
“When I was a toddler, Xav called me a cheeky little monkey because I ran circles around him and the rest of my parents. The name kind of stuck. Sometimes it’s cheeky monkey, but usually, just monkey.”
Holy shit, that’s so fucking cute.
I could picture him when he was small and it did things to my heart. He had to have been the most adorable kid imaginable with those green eyes and chestnut hair.
“Are you freaked out by what I told you about my parents?”
My hand reached out, finding his fingers and holding them.
“A little or maybe a lot. I don’t know what to say about it in all honesty, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“How you feel about me?”
Had he not been listening to anything I’d said to him?
“Nothing you say or do would make me like you any less.”
He shook his head, his eyes darting away.
“You can’t say things like that.”
“Why not? It’s the truth.”
He pulled his hand away from mine. It felt like rejection and it hurt way worse than it should have.
“It just confuses me even more, Jonah. I’m already fucked up from all this shit with my parents, the bullying at school and now this…” He waved a hand at me. “This with you. I don’t know how to feel. How to even begin to work out what it is I actually want when everything is all just so messed up.”
He shifted further away from me and the distance made my chest burn. I wanted him right next to me where I could touch him. Where I could feel him against me. I just plain wanted him. He kissed me. He made me feel alive. I didn’t want to shove it back in a box. And I couldn’t let him do it either.
“You said you like me… you kissed me.”
“I do and shit, I want to kiss you again, but I won’t when I can’t make you any promises about what this is.”
I want to kiss you too. Fuck. I really want to.
“I’m not asking for that.”
He stared at me.
“Then what are you asking for?”
“Nothing. I’m not asking you for a single thing other than to be honest with me.”
I couldn’t exactly force him into doing anything with me. It wasn’t fair. Not when he looked at me with distress written all over his features. As if this whole thing made him agitated.
“Honest? You want me to be honest?”
“Yes, that’s it. Nothing’s changed. We’re still friends, Raphi.”
He blinked and I realised I’d finally called him by his nickname. It fell out of my mouth like it was natural.
“I can do honesty. I’ve been nothing but honest with you, but are you going to be honest with me? I don’t think you’re saying everything you want to say right now.”
There was a level of challenge in his eyes as if he was daring me to tell him what I really wanted. If I was expecting him to be honest, then I had to do it too. And when I said nothing had changed… it was a huge fucking lie.
“Fine. You want the truth? I want to kiss you.”
His eyes darkened at my words like it was exactly what he wanted me to do.
“Then why don’t you?”
“You said you won’t kiss me. I’m not going to force myself on you.”
“How would it be forcing when I also literally just said I want to kiss you again?”
We stared at each other for a long moment. This conversation wasn’t getting us anywhere. I don’t know how we even reached this point either.
“I’m going to kiss you.”
“Then kiss me.”
So I did. I leant towards him and I planted my mouth on his. His hands went to my hair, digging into my scalp as he pulled me closer. It wasn’t gentle. It wasn’t sweet. It was like a fucking bomb going off between us. The messy, uncoordinated dance only made me crave more. I couldn’t help the way I reacted to it. The way it flooded me with want and need.
You’re not going to let it go further than this. It’s just a kiss.
It didn’t feel that way. I attributed it to teenage hormones. Or something like that anyway. I reminded myself how old he was and whatever was going on between us, there were lines we couldn’t cross. I pulled back, panting. He opened his eyes, gave me this sort of half-smile before reaching up and smoothing my hair back down where he’d tugged at it. I adjusted his glasses for him as they’d become a little askew in our desperation to be closer.
“You say nothing’s changed, but I think everything’s changed,” he murmured.
He was right. Things had changed. You couldn’t f
ake this kind of intensity between two people. At least, I didn’t think you could.
“Where does that leave us?”
He sat back, putting some distance between us.
“I don’t know. Depends on what you want.”
I swallowed. He said honesty. I couldn’t be anything but at this point. Might as well lay my cards out on the table.
“I want you.”
A pained look flashed across his face.
“I can’t give you that.”
I knew he was going to say it, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. My heart squeezed in my chest at the rejection. I’d felt his want and need in his kiss. He wanted me back even if he couldn’t admit it.
“I’m too messed up, Jonah. It wouldn’t be fair on you.”
“I don’t care about fair. I care about you. I just want… you.”
I sounded desperate, but the truth was I’d never felt this way about anyone. I could help him. I could save him. Nothing else mattered but that. He’d become important to me even though it hadn’t been very long. Perhaps it was all the deep conversations we’d had which accelerated this. I knew what I wanted. And it was Raphael Nelson.
“No, you don’t. You don’t want this.” He waved at himself. “Not when I don’t know who I am. Not when things are so fucked up. I can’t even look at my own parents without seeing them as murderers even though I love them. All I want is to be normal. A normal kid who doesn’t have five parents who have this really fucked up past. Who I’m actually shit scared of now I know the truth. When I said to you I’m scared of what they’d do to the bullies, this is why. They do whatever it takes to protect their family even… even kill people, Jonah. How the hell do you think that makes me feel?”
He dragged his hands through his hair. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him. Take away all of his pain.
“I feel like shit and I hate the fact I can’t tell them about the bullying. If I did, it would hurt them as much as it hurts me. They never wanted that for us. Never. But I’m fucking lost and alone. I hate that I can’t go to school without getting people saying shit about me. It’s made me hate myself because I’m not normal. And now there’s this… confusion I have over who I am. What if they find out? What will I do then? They would give me so much more shit if they knew I was dating a…”
The words hung in the air. I knew he didn’t have a problem with anyone’s sexuality. It wasn’t about that. Raphael wanted to be normal so badly he wasn’t willing to entertain the idea of me and him.
Despite all of that, I couldn’t help reaching out and cupping his face in both my hands. He didn’t stop me. His eyes were full of caution and sadness.
“I don’t care,” I whispered. “I don’t care if it has to be a secret. I still want you anyway. Whatever way I can have you.”
“Jonah…”
I couldn’t hold back. All my thoughts and feelings bubbled up to the surface. The ones I’d been repressing when I thought he wasn’t into me. They couldn’t be restrained any longer now I knew for a fact he was.
“You wanted honesty, Raphi. This last year has been miserable for me since my dad died. I closed myself off to the world, but you… you came along and I told you things I’ve never told anyone. You made me feel like I wasn’t drowning any longer. You make me smile every day. I look forward to seeing your name pop up on my phone. I’m happy because of you. I think you are beautiful inside and out even if you don’t see yourself that way. So no, I don’t care about other people. I don’t care about any of that shit. I just care about you.”
He searched my face as if he was trying to work out whether or not I was being serious. If I truly felt that way about him. Then he put his hands on mine, pulling them away from his face.
“I care about you too.”
“I’m not asking you to decide right now… just think about it. I’m not going anywhere.”
I hoped he would. It wasn’t asking too much.
After a long moment, he let out a sigh.
“Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Thank you.”
“I think I kind of ruined movie afternoon.”
I smiled.
“We can still watch one if you want, but I understand if you want to go.”
He shook his head. It made my heart fucking hurt in a good way.
“No, I don’t want to go yet.”
I sat back against the headboard again, grabbing the remote and deciding we should watch something different. Raphael sat next to me, rubbing his arm with one hand. I picked a new film out and put it on. It was a romcom this time. I figured we needed a laugh. He didn’t object. No, he reached out and took my hand, entwining our fingers together. I tried not to smile, but I couldn’t help it. His little gesture gave me hope. Maybe this would work out the way I wanted it to.
I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t care about it being a secret. I’d keep Raphael’s secrets until my dying day if I had to.
The truth was… I was falling in love with him with every moment, every conversation, every touch. And I’d do anything for him.
Chapter Sixteen
I hadn’t spent much time alone with Jonah since the whole kissing and revealing the truth about my parents’ incident. Partly because I didn’t trust it wouldn’t happen again, but mostly because of him being busy with schoolwork and taking care of his sister. I’d been thinking a lot about what he’d said. Probably too much. Going over and over it in my head about what I should do. And even weeks later, I was still no closer to a resolution.
The bullying hadn’t stopped. My feelings about my parents hadn’t disappeared. My confusion about my sexuality still remained. But somehow I felt lighter because I had him. He was still there for me just as he promised he’d be. He responded to my texts straight away. Kept me sane whilst I tried to sift through my thoughts, feelings and fears.
I thought about the kisses I’d shared with him all the time. They proved to me I wasn’t completely straight, but a part of me still couldn’t accept it. I was getting in my own way with my need to be normal. To not suffer with all these self-doubts. To not hate myself any longer. No matter what Jonah said, it wouldn’t be fair of me to pull him into this mess. To force him into keeping a relationship with me a secret. We were already secret friends. It would only get worse if we were involved further.
I was walking down one of the hallways in school when I almost ran into someone. When I looked up, I found it was Jonah himself. He steadied me with his hands on my shoulders. The warmth of his palms seeped into me, making me want things I couldn’t have. Like him.
“Hey,” he said with a smile.
“Hey… you okay?”
“Yeah, you?”
I nodded, wondering why he’d not dropped his hands yet.
“We still meeting up after school?” he asked.
I bit my lip. It would be the first time we’d be properly alone together in weeks and I’d been looking forward to it.
“Definitely.”
His smile widened and I couldn’t help smiling back.
“Good. I’ll see you later then.”
We stared at each other for a moment longer. I would never get over the way his light green eyes glinted. Jonah was so handsome. He would make anyone who was with him the happiest person alive. And for a moment, I wished it could be me. I imagined what it’d be like to hold his hand in public. To kiss him. To be honest and open about how I felt about the boy in front of me. The kindest and most caring person I’d ever known with the exception of my dad.
I don’t know when it started. It crept up on me and slapped me in the face with its intensity. He’d found a way past my barriers without even trying. He saw me as something more than I was. Jonah made me feel like I was worthy. My heart went wild whenever I was near him. I longed to be closer, to hold him tight and never let go.
It didn’t matter if he was a boy. That doesn’t matter to your heart when it wants the p
erson it wants.
I’m in love with you, Jonah Ethan Pope.
And even though I felt that way, all of my conflicting emotions held me back. They prevented me from telling him the truth. From being open to the possibility of us.
Jonah dropped his hands from my arms and stepped back, letting me go on my way. I walked a few steps along the hallway before turning my head back. He was watching me with affection in his expression. My heart lurched.
Maybe I could be open to it. Maybe… just maybe I can be brave and admit to the truth.
When he looked at me like that, I didn’t feel so alone. He was here for me if I needed him. I gave Jonah a smile and turned away again, making my way towards my next lesson. And for the rest of the day, I was feeling on top of the world. I hoped I could get through this shit I was feeling. I had him. Jonah. He’d make sure I was okay. If I let him, he’d take care of me in all ways I knew he could.
I was happy up until I stepped out of the building at the end of the day only to be confronted by Miles Anders and his gang of idiots. I found myself hustled away to a quieter part of the playground behind the school by his friends. I swallowed hard when I looked up at Miles, not wanting any trouble.
Why are they doing this now? I’m going to be late to meet Jonah.
“Well, well, here I thought you were just a freak because of your parents but clearly I was wrong,” Miles spat, pressing a finger into my chest.
I tried to back away but Clive was behind me, keeping me from running.
This is bad. Really fucking bad.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, unsure if I even wanted to know.
“I saw you with that gay kid with the dead dad.”
I swear my heart just about stopped in my chest. He’d seen me with Jonah. And where did he get off calling him the gay kid with the dead dad? That wasn’t Jonah’s whole identity. He was kind, sweet and caring. Wasn’t his fault his dad had died. And him being gay wasn’t something to be sneered at in the way Miles had done.
“You two were getting a little cosy. Something going on there, freak? Something you want to tell us?”