by Sarah Bailey
I shook my head, knowing it was better to keep my mouth shut. Miles laughed and pointed at me again as he looked around at his friends.
“Pity, I don’t believe you. So, not only do you come from a sick, fucked up family, you’re also into dick, huh?”
“I’m not,” I mumbled. The fact Jonah was a boy had nothing to do with why I liked him.
“Look at this freak, trying to deny he’s a little pussy boy who wants to get fucked raw. Aww, isn’t it so sweet? Are you all loved up? Why didn’t you tell us, freak? We’d have been happy for you.”
I didn’t believe a word coming out of his mouth. The disgusted look he was giving me told a different story. The same look they were all giving me. I wanted to curl up into a ball and make them go away.
“He’s just my friend.”
Miles laughed and the others joined in.
“Oh no, no, I don’t think so. The looks you were sending each other’s way tells a different story. You’re just a sick, little pussy boy desperate for dick.”
My worst fears were confirmed. They weren’t going to let this go. His taunt made tears well in my eyes. He made the fact I liked Jonah sound like it was wrong. Like I was some kind of abomination for feeling this way about someone of the same sex. It wasn’t wrong. It didn’t make me a freak nor did it Jonah. Miles was a bigoted piece of shit who didn’t want to understand anyone who differed from him.
“Shut up,” I whispered. “That’s not true.”
Why couldn’t my voice sound stronger? Why was I this weak pathetic excuse for a human being cowering from my bullies? I felt useless staring up at the people who’d tormented me for so long, I couldn’t remember when it started.
“Aw, look, he’s trying to say no.”
I felt sick to my stomach. The tears behind my eyes burnt. I couldn’t take this. I needed to be away from them. My hands curled into fists, trying to keep my emotions from overflowing.
“Shut up,” I all but growled at Miles. “Just shut the fuck up. You’re wrong. All of you are wrong. I’m not like that. You know nothing about me.”
Miles’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline.
“What’s that you say? Telling me to shut up.” He gave me a cruel smile. “Look at the freak, he’s grown a backbone.” He waved a dismissive hand at me. “Pity really. Too fucking little, too late.”
It was then I realised this time I wouldn’t be able to talk my way out of things like I had done before. This time things were going to be worse. Much, much worse.
As Miles raised his fist, I tried to take a step back, but Clive held onto my shoulder, forcing me to stay where I was. The crunching sound of his fist connecting with my glasses made me flinch. The pain radiated outwards from the impact the next second. I tried to raise my hands to stop another blow, but he was too fast. He socked me in the jaw, making my head snap back. Next thing I knew, another kid had punched me in the stomach. I almost doubled over, but Clive threw me on the ground. There were some kicks for good measure as I curled into a ball, trying to protect myself.
Everything hurt from the blows and I knew my glasses had shattered under the impact of Miles’s fist. Everything went still for a long moment. I peered out from behind my hands, finding them all standing over me with evil smiles on their faces.
“Let that be a fucking lesson, freak.”
Miles laughed then indicated with his head they should go. He and his friends slopped off, leaving me on the ground like I was nothing to them. Nothing and nobody.
I didn’t move for a long moment, trying to assess what hurt. Trying to work out how things had escalated to the point where they’d actually physically hurt me.
I tugged off my glasses. One of the lenses was broken. I had a few spare pairs, but they were at home. I touched a hand to my eye, wincing. My jaw hurt. My stomach did too from where they’d punched and kicked me.
I sat up, holding my ruined glasses in one hand. I wanted to burst into tears, but I didn’t. No, I had to pick myself up. All I wanted to do was to go home and curl up in a ball under my covers. And I knew then I couldn’t hide what was happening to me from my parents any longer. It was all very well having Miles and his friends verbally abuse me, but to cause me physical harm was a different matter altogether. They’d done it on school grounds and it meant they could get in trouble. Real fucking trouble.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled a number, still trying to hold myself together.
“Hello, monkey,” came my dad’s voice.
My heart burnt at the sound of it. Everything just fucking well hurt.
“Dad, who’s picking up Cole, Duke and Rora today?”
“Me, why?”
“Are you still here?”
“No, I left five minutes ago.”
I realised he must still be in the car since we lived twenty minutes away.
“Can… can you come back and get me, please?”
I tried to keep my emotion out of my voice but it was almost impossible.
“I thought you were making your own way home later as you had things to do.”
I’d told him that because I was seeing Jonah. Now, I wanted my mum and dad. All I wanted was my parents to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I didn’t care what they’d done any longer. I didn’t care about anything but having them right here with me.
“Dad… I… I need you.”
My voice broke then. I sniffled as a tear fell down my cheek.
“Are you okay, Raphi? Did something happen?”
“No, I’m not,” I choked out. “Please, Dad.”
“I’m turning around now. I’ll be there soon, okay?”
I could hear the worry in his voice. It made me feel worse, but in all honesty, I really needed my dad more than anyone else right then.
“Okay.”
Knowing he was coming made it possible for me to put the phone down and haul myself up off the ground. I’d have to go wait by the school gates and hope no one saw me because fuck knows people would question why I looked like a mess right now. I smoothed my hair down and straightened my uniform as best I could. Not being able to see that far ahead of me properly would have made things difficult, but I knew my way around the school well enough.
As I rounded the corner of the building, I found the playground mostly empty which I was thankful for. I walked across it and scraped a hand across my face, wiping away the tear that had leaked out of my eye.
A hand landed on my shoulder and I almost jumped out of my skin.
“Raphi?” came Jonah’s voice.
I turned around, finding him behind me with concern on his features. My heart lurched. The dam almost broke when he looked me over, his features falling further.
“Are you okay? What happened to you?”
I shoved his hand off me, not wanting to be touched right then.
“No, I’m not fucking okay,” I ground out. “I just got hit in the face and kicked, so I’m not okay.”
I felt like absolute crap for snapping at him, but my emotions were all over the place. I was done with everything. The world could just go away as far as I was concerned.
“What?”
“Miles Anders hit me in the face because I tried to talk back to him. He was giving me shit because he saw us in the hallway earlier. He saw us! He thinks we’re a thing and we’re not. Fuck. He called me a fucking pussy boy desperate for dick. I told him to shut up. He didn’t like that. He hit me and then they shoved me on the ground and started kicking me. And now… now I fucking hurt everywhere all because of… of this shit between you and me.”
Jonah looked horrified. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but I’d lost all sense of a filter and rational thought. I was angry, upset and overwrought. And the person I didn’t want to see because it hurt too much was standing right in front of me.
“They hurt you for that? Oh shit, I’m so sorry, Raphi.”
He tried to reach out to me. I did
n’t want his comfort. I wanted nothing from him. My heart was heavy. Nothing felt good. Everything just felt wrong.
I backed away, staring into the eyes of the boy I’d fallen in love with. The one who was kind, caring and deserved someone who could give him everything. Who wouldn’t make him hide in the shadows. Who would be there no matter what. He didn’t need someone like me. A messed up boy who didn’t know who the fuck he was. I should never have allowed this to happen in the first place. Him comforting me. Him making me feel okay. Him being there for me. It was wrong of me. So. Fucking. Wrong.
I couldn’t have Jonah Ethan Pope. I didn’t deserve him. I deserved nothing. And I was going to make sure he knew that. Then he wouldn’t try to make me change my mind.
“Don’t. Just don’t, Jonah. I can’t… I can’t do this with you any longer.”
Chapter Seventeen
I had been wondering where Raphi had got to when he didn’t appear straight away after school finished. I waited, thinking he was probably running late. It’s only when I saw him striding across the playground with his glasses gripped tight in his hand, I knew something was wrong.
Discovering he’d been hit in the face was like a punch to the gut. I could see the redness around his eye and his jaw was colouring up too. I hated how cruel kids could be. Hated that he’d been attacked for being himself. That wasn’t the worst part though. Not by a long shot.
It was him telling he couldn’t do this with me any longer. It was as if he’d reached into my chest, grabbed hold of my heart and tore it out. He held it in his hand as it fought to keep beating, the bloody mess coating his fingers, leaving me hollow and empty.
“Can’t do what?” I asked almost dumbly because I already knew what he meant.
“Whatever the fuck we are.”
My heart wheezed in his hand, trying to pump blood but failing miserably.
“We’re just friends, Raphi.”
He shook his head. Each movement brought a fresh round of pain. Each denial made my chest burn.
“No, no we’re not, and you know it. You know this is more than that but we’ve been refusing to admit it, walking on eggshells around each other, skirting around the fucking truth.” He waved a hand around, wincing at the action. “I’m not the person you want, Jonah. I’m not that boy. I’m not like you.”
I took another step towards him, unable to let him go because I wanted him too much. The fucked up, crazy part of me had believed for a second he would let me in. Let me be there for him as more than just a friend. I wanted him to be mine because I was already his.
“You are that boy. You’re everything to me.”
He blinked. It was strange to see him without glasses. They were still clutched in his hand.
“No. Don’t say that. Don’t make this harder. You barely even know a thing about me and if you did see me, truly see me, you wouldn’t like me. You’d hate everything about me. So don’t say that. Don’t.”
I took another step, closing the distance. I didn’t care about us being school grounds any longer. No one else was around. He sucked in a breath when I cupped his face, stroking my thumb down the bruise forming on his jaw.
“I could never hate you, Raphi. I do see you. I see every part of you. And I want all of it.”
I could see in his eyes he hated that I could. He hated it because it was breaking him on the inside. All of his pain was destroying him. I wasn’t helping. I was pushing and I knew it. Somehow, I couldn’t stop. My future was rapidly disintegrating before my eyes with every ragged breath he took.
I knew what he was going to say before he said it. I didn’t stop him. And it killed me.
“I don’t want you.”
He said it like he meant it even though I could see in his eyes he didn’t. He didn’t mean a single fucking word of it.
“Don’t lie to me.”
He knew how to hit me the hardest. Raphi was aware of what my mum had told me. Him saying it now wasn’t lost on me. It fucking well stung.
“I’m not. I don’t want any of this. None. You make me too fucked up. I can’t be who you want me to be.”
“I’m not trying to change you.”
I wanted him the way he was. He was beautiful, kind, funny, and he made me happy.
He wrenched away from me. His green eyes were full of torment and it cut me deeply. Raphi held my heart in his fist and squeezed. My chest lit up with agony all over again, his words and his denial ripping me to shreds.
“You are trying to make me into someone I’m not so you can have me. I’m not that person! I’m not… I’m not like you. So just stop. Stop pushing. Stop trying to fix me. I’m not fucking well yours to rescue.”
I took a step back as if his words had physically hit me this time. My hand went to my chest. It hurt. It just fucking hurt. I had been trying to save him and he threw it back at me like all of my help had meant nothing to him.
“You don’t mean that.”
His expression shut down. Raphi shut down on me.
“I mean every single word.”
The conviction in his voice decimated me.
“Believe me when I tell you this is the last time I’m ever going to let you come near me. I’m not what you need so just leave me alone. Let me fucking drown because that’s where I belong, in the fucking gutter with the rest of the dregs of the world. I’m not worth saving. I’m not fucking well worth rescuing.”
He sucked in a breath and I knew this was the final blow. I wasn’t ready for it. Not at all.
“Everyone is better off in this world without me, especially you. I don’t want you, Jonah. I can’t afford to. I just… can’t.”
Then he turned and walked away. The blood trail he left behind him as he carried my bleeding heart away soaked into the tarmac of the playground, staining it crimson red. I stared at his back. Stared at the boy who I’d stupidly fallen for. Who I thought I could rescue. Turns out I couldn’t rescue him at all. He was too far gone. And what happened today had only pushed him over the edge. Forced him into saying all that shit to me to make sure I couldn’t go after him. He’d hurt me to force me into leaving him alone.
I hated knowing exactly what he was doing. Hated it so fucking much. He didn’t mean any of those words. He didn’t mean a single damn thing. And yet it killed me because he’d said them. We’d come to the point where he felt like he had to lie to me to make me stop. He used my mother’s words against me knowing how much it would destroy me. He’d done it so I wouldn’t go after him.
The horrific truth was we’d brought this on ourselves. I’d tried to save someone I had no business saving. He leant on me when he felt like he had no one else. We had no reason to be near each other. Yet we’d been drawn together. Drawn into a fucking web of our own making. Now Raphi had ripped himself out of it.
I let him go. What was the use of fighting the inevitable? Knowing what I did hadn’t made it any easier. My heart was still broken. The hollow cavern of my chest echoed with its emptiness. I raised my hand and rubbed it, hoping the ache would lessen. It didn’t. Nothing would stem the flood of my agony. I bit the inside of my cheek to stop tears from spilling down my face. No way in hell I could cry at school even if no one was around.
I took a few steps towards the school gates when I couldn’t see him any longer, but I froze a second later when I spied him again. This time he was with someone. Someone who looked exactly like him. I watched Raphi and his dad stride across the playground and into the school building, then I walked out of the school gates and went home. I didn’t have to question what was happening. Raphi had told his dad about the bullying. There was no way he could hide it any longer when the evidence of it was on his face. In that regard, I was happy because he needed to deal with it. He needed it to stop.
The whole way home I was fighting with myself. Fighting to keep my emotions in check. Fighting against everything. The dam was breaking. Nothing I did could stop the flood. I knew it was going to dro
wn me. Drag me under and keep me there whilst the waves of pain washed over me again and again.
When I got in the door, I tugged off my coat, kicked off my shoes and chucked my bag on the floor. Then I trudged up the stairs. Instead of going to my bedroom, I went to my sister’s. Meredith was laid out on her bed flipping through the TV channels. She eyed me as I walked in and crawled onto her bed.
“Jonah?” she said when I wrapped myself around her, burying my face in her chest. When I finally let my tears fall.
I felt her drop the remote and then stroke my hair, wrapping her other arm around me.
“Jonah, what’s wrong?”
I let out a pitiful sob. How could I explain it to her? Just because he’d broken my heart, didn’t mean I was about to reveal everything. Tell her all his secrets. I couldn’t do that to him. I wasn’t vindictive. I wasn’t the type to want revenge.
I want him. I just want him and I can’t have him.
“Hey, hey, J, what happened?”
“You were right,” I whispered into her clothes.
“About what?”
“About me liking someone… and… and he rejected me.”
It was the most I could say. It wasn’t far off the truth. Raphi had rejected me.
“Oh, J, I’m so sorry. That’s awful.”
She kept stroking my hair and I kept crying. It was like I couldn’t stop now I’d started.
“Will you tell me who it is?”
I shook my head.
“It might make you feel better.”
I only cried harder. Telling her it was her friend made me feel like absolute shit considering we’d kept our meetings a secret from her. As if I didn’t feel bad enough already. The whole thing was absolutely fucked up.
“Raphael,” I sobbed, unable to stop the name spilling from my mouth.
“What? Raphael… you… you mean my Raphi?”
I nodded, clutching her tighter.
“Oh, J. I could have told you he was straight if you’d asked me.”
She had no idea he was struggling with his sexuality. I wasn’t going to tell her.